Gross Stupidity

144 posts by me. Gross stupidity indeed...

Poetic Justice

I do hope you remember the story of Jordanian expatriate blogger Husain (Who-Sane) and his father, who was so appallingly treated in an Amman hospital that he is still recovering over a month later.

Husain's blog post on the affair started a hue and cry that made it to many other blogs and so to the daily newspapers and eventually resulted in such significant word of mouth and consequent broad public awareness of the tragic plight of his father and his ill-treatment at the hands of the hospital's staff that the King himself became involved.

Well, the director of the hospital has now been sacked.

Which is by no means the end of the story, but probably an appropriate stepping point.

Clarity

I suppose I’m going to have to word this one very carefully.

The head of Dubai police is quoted extensively today in Gulf News ‘warning against misinterpretation of the instructions concerning banning of detention of journalists working in the country’. The language, I hasten to add, is GN’s, not mine.

Lieutenant General Dahi Khalfan Tamim is quoted by GN: ‘…jounalists who do not do their job according to the norms of their profession will not be immune from punishment as per the law. And those found abusing the immunity will not be tolerated.’

Gulf News also reports Tamim as saying that journalists who undermine others and distribute baseless accusations against people and slander their reputation without the support of substantial evidence will be punished in accordance with the law.

Just in case someone out there finds this confusing, the piece ends with the following quote from the good general: ‘The immunity against imprisonment is limited to journalists doing their job when they report factual incidents. The immunity will not be enforced in case they harm others while expressing their personal views.’

For some reason this ‘clarification’ wasn’t splashed by every newspaper, as was the original statement from His Highness. This is a shame, as it is an important statement from the head of the police that should leave nobody in any doubt as to where they stand.

Cry Freedom!

His Highness Sheikh Mohammad bin Rashid Al Maktoum, vice-president and prime minister of the UAE and Ruler of Dubai, yesterday issued instructions that journalists were not to be jailed for doing their work.

This news leads every newspaper in the UAE today and rightly so, because it is important news and a huge step forwards. The news, incidentally, followed two days after the announcement that two Khaleej Times journalists were to be jailed for libel.

Interestingly the newspapers were all silent on the subject the day after the libel case was announced. All apart from Emarat Al Youm, the Arabic language daily newspaper published by government-owned Arab Media Group, which also publishes the English language Emirates Today. Emarat Al Youm published an excoriating three-page piece on media freedom in the UAE, detailing issues and investigations that had been faced by many of the dailies published in the Emirates.

Emirates Today, silent on the issue of media freedom yesterday, takes great pains to splash the Sheikh Mohammed today - and to claim the credit for the move coming after its 'sister newspaper condemned the decision to imprison two journalists... the report categorically criticised the sentencing of two journalists...'

And so it did, but many will find Emirates Today riding on the back of the widely recognised strong editorial standards of its Arabic 'sister' paper just a little rich.

There's some interesting ambiguity in the reports. Making the announcement, Sheikh Abdullah Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, chairman of the National Media Council (NMC) said that no journalist is to be jailed for reasons related to his work, adding (according to Gulf News which is itself very careful to attribute the quote to WAM, the national news agency) that there are 'other measures that may be taken against journalists who break the press and publication law, but not jail.'

If you want to wade through it, then here's a link to a copy of that law. It's a fascinating read if you're anything to do with media in the region and is in PDF format.

The KT case, if it was heard under the publishing law (likely as the case was brought by the public prosecution and looks like it might have followed an earlier civil case in which KT was exonerated) appears to have been an argument between article 47, which permits the quotations of arguments and pleading which take place in the courts and article 79, which prohibits publishing details of an individual's private life. I may just be wrong there, it's difficult to tell because of the paucity of information in the media reports of the trial.

If we are reading the announcement about the publishing law right, this would also mean that the stipulated one to six month jail terms for offences under clauses 71 to 85 (too numerous to reproduce here, but worth looking through, believe me!) are also out. And that's really interesting.

The press and publication law is due to be replaced by newer legislation. However, it has to be said that this new legislation has been awaited for a long time - arguably since the announcement that Dubai Media City was to be established.

The two KT journalists have been freed on bail. It is only to be hoped that their case will, indeed, be covered by this directive and that this is a step on the road towards a more open media. However, the new media legislation - a huge task and a complex one - is really going to define that: as is the way it is implemented by the courts.

Incidentally, Gulf News' editorial today rumbles on about press freedom and makes the point that Sheikh Mohammed's move proves that the press truly is the fourth estate. I found that interesting, as here in the UAE it is not the fourth estate nor could it be. So that was a silly thing to say, wasn't it?

Mahmoud Ahmadinajad Rocks

I do wonder if I'm the only person who found Mahmoud Ahmadinajad's performance at Colombia University a compelling one. I do wonder if I'm the only person that thought his introduction and the official speech of welcome was insulting and immensely skewed. And I wonder if I'm the only person who finds the way that an American academic institution's officers treated a visiting head of state was appalling by any standard.

And yet Ahmadinajad put in an impressive performance. Sure, he was a bit too Godly for secular Western tastes at times. Sure, he wasn't going to take questions like 'Do you oppose a Jewish State of Israel?' head-on. But he did a damn good job, overall. He pointed out that his country couldn't equip civil airliners because of sanctions: that America, the UK, Germany and others had defaulted on contracts, had provided material assistance to Iraq in attacking Iran, had worked to destabilise his country's elected (for better or for worse) government. It wasn't a bad case to make and he made it pretty well.

What a shame he wasn't a lunatic demagogue with no sense at all of rhetoric or public speech. That would have made it so much easier to continue to mindlessley demonise him.

I do wonder what Georgie boy will do tomorrow against a man who is brighter and more charismatic than he is. I'm not saying Mahmoud isn't dangerous. But he's damn smart and, as he pointed out in his address, comes from a cultured and capable people.

Not bad. The jury's out, for sure... But you had to have watched the entire performance... How many of us got that chance?

And at the end, he waited for his host (he had already made the point that in his, the Middle Eastern, culture - and as an academic who had invited speakers to his university - you didn't insult a guest: it was a very pointed point in view of his embarrassing reception by the Colombia staff) to walk across the stage and shake his hand. Alone and suddenly small, he waited. And finally, long tens of seconds after the announcement that he had to leave and couldn't take more questions (and yet stood on the stage, not going anywhere), he got a brief, grudging touch of palms.

Mahmoud 1 America 0. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

The Finger

So we upgraded our server at work, which involved many technical things that are of no interest to anyone at all in the world whatsoever. One of the things that the upgrading man did was migrate my user profile to a new user profile (without, of course, telling me what he was about to do). This was lovely of him, but of course resulted in all sorts of personal data being misplaced and/or lost and some of my favourite apps requiring re-configuring and even partially reinstalling. I’ve lost all my Google Earth landmarks as well as a whole load of other stuff including Netvibes, Digg and other toolbar buttons on my browser. Oh, did I ever mention that I use the vastly superior and generally rather smashing Mozilla Firefox browser? I do commend it to you most highly.

Anyway...

Perhaps interestingly, the move also resulted in something of a logical conundrum. I use a ThinkPad (Lenovo is a client but, trust me, I don’t endorse client products lightly), which is a truly brilliant machine in so many ways. It has a biometric password system, so I am the only person who can use the machine and just swipe a finger rather than keying in a password. Which is cool.

When our number one software engineering and server migrating expert migrated my user profile, I became another person to the computer, which is now refusing to accept my index finger as a valid fingerprint because it was registered under the old user profile and therefore, as far as the computer is concerned, is the finger of another person.

So I can’t use my index finger to log on any more. I have to use my middle finger. I took great delight in showing the upgrading man which finger I am now using to log on as a result of his actions.

He didn’t seem impressed for some reason…

Ramadan Kareem

The Luddites at the Sharjah Electricity and Water Authority (SEWA) had messed up our bill payment because their payments are managed by Empost and therefore you can pay your bill outside their billing cycle. Once you’re there, you are guaranteed a ever-increasing stay in Outworld, with everything screwing up more and more as each month goes by and each payment getting credited in the wrong place at the wrong time. The only solution is to go down there physically and talk to someone with direct access to their prehistoric computer system and command of a UN recognised language. The latter is usually the big problem.

SEWA’s offices in Ramadan are a listless, torpid place: you can actually physically feel the effort as everyone flops around trying to conserve energy. Come to think of it, SEWA’s offices are like that outside Ramadan, too…

I was waiting to speak to the head of the front office, a laconic Palestinian bloke, who was dealing with an agitated local. The conversation tickled me pink, and went (taking up from when I rolled up, obviously) like this:

“The bill’s not paid and the computer has you down for disconnection. That’s why we disconnected it.”

“But the boss pays the bill and he’s not here.”

“I can’t help that. Your boss has to pay the bill.”

“We’ve been without water for two days. Just give me the key for the water!”

“I can’t do that. You have to pay the bill before we can reconnect it. It’s on the computer.”

“You’re a dog and so’s your computer!”

At which the local turned on his heel and strode off. Now calling someone a dog in the Arab world is not generally considered to be polite, to put it lightly.

“Ramadan Kareem” retorted the SEWA chap. It was delivered impeccably: a perfectly timed mixture of remonstration and effyewtoo. Ramadan Kareem is a traditional wish at Ramadan and means ‘Ramadan is generous’. The month is not only a religious observance but is also meant to be a time of piety, reflection and community and using bad language or being naughty are no-nos.

The local turned at the door. “And you know what you can do with your Ramadan Kareem, too!” He shouted.

I felt I had witnessed a moment of true humanity and was still grinning as I left a few minutes later, despite being considerably lighter in the pocket.

The Du Test

So Du announced it has reached 850,000 subscribers this week. I do find that interesting in view of the continuing consistency of the results I am receiving from applying The Du Test.

The Du Test is designed to gain a holistic view of the comparative penetration of mobile operators in a given market as a ratio of deployed client side devices in customers’ terminal prehensile upper organs. See?

It consists of giving your mobile number to people without the prefix that the TRA has insisted on introducing to differentiate the two operators. Etisalat’s is 050, Du’s is 055. So you talk to a hotel reservation service, or the electronics shop to arrange a delivery, or the bank to complain (invariably) or the taxi company. And you give your number as the last seven digits only.

Now, if something like a fifth of all people in the UAE (pre-amnesty) are using a Du mobile, you’d expect at least one of those conversations to contain the words: “Is that 050 or 055, sir?”

And not one, not.one, has done so yet.

Nobody I know uses a Du mobile. Some people registered and bought the sim because they could. Others bought in and rejected the service. But nobody I know, personally or professionally, uses it.

Where are they, then? Hands up, you 850,000 brave subscribers! Be heard! Wear it on your shirts with pride! Let us know that you DO du! Run round the malls singing Dudududududududuuu at the top of your voices!

Hmmm. Funny. Silence so far...

Ramadan Sparkles

There seems to be glass everywhere, for the last few days there have been small swathes of it on the roads: little sparklings at every U-turn and intersection. I’ve never seen so much glass.

And now, as I get to the head of the tailback on the Awir Road, there’s more glass than usual. It’s scattered across the road, a dragon’s treasure trove of scintillae glittering in the sunshine, a slight blue-green tinge to the little jewels, piled up like a Swarovski display cabinet. And in the middle of this sea of glass, an old Nissan Patrol, short wheel-base, lying on its roof, every window popped, the roof crushed. The Indian man lying flat on his back up along the concrete divider is wearing a pink shirt and brown trousers and he’s horribly still. The man in the blue shalwar khamis doesn’t quite know what to do: he picks the man’s head up in his arms, lays it down gently, stands up, crouches down, looks around.

The glass is crunching under the tires now, the feeling of fingers on dishwasher-dry squeaky crystal: the piercing squeak of glass on glass and occasional pop of shards squeezed into flight. A horrible, nails on blackboard shudder passes down my spine.

Another Ramadan evening drive home, then.

Beating the UAE Content Filter

Emirates Today led today with the story that a Saudi-based company is offering a UAE content filter beating package that installs a personal proxy for its customers. UAE telecom regulator the TRA has, predictably, said this is illegal and that people who use it will have their fingernails taken out and be bastinadoed with dried pasta until they cry.

OK. So I made up the fingernails and pasta bits.

But I found ‘illegal’ an interesting use of words. I think a telecom regulator can say that something is contrary to regulation, but can they claim it as illegal without the backing of an actual law to enact? I thought that something enshrined in statute was law and that the application of that law and precedent through the courts defined legality or illegality. And UAE law (I will rapidly say that I am no expert and invite anybody who knows better to please contradict/clarify this) wouldn’t appear to be particularly hot on the whole issue of cyber-legislation, let alone the application of any such legislation in the courts.

Although you could try applying the UAE publishing law to the Internet and the whole issue of what content is acceptable or not, you’d have a hard time squeezing that round peg into the square hole that is the WWW. As far as I’m aware, Etisalat’s proxy server and content blocking/filtering system was wholly unilaterally implemented and was not a legislated requirement. As others have pointed out in the past, the Etisalat filtering system not only filters content that would be considered offensive in a Muslim country, but also does a neat job of blocking Israeli sites (handy: you can’t actually get information from moderate Israeli voices or even research Israeli companies investing in areas that are of commercial interest to the Arab World), IP telephony providers such as Skype and, the great crime to my mind, a number of social networking sites such as Flickr and Twitter.

A digression. Given that the latter are core components of the Web 2.0 revolution that everyone’s bibbling about, I like to save up some anger about that whole decision that social networking is ‘dating’ and therefore unacceptable. I have pointed out before (not least when speaking at conferences) that the human race has been able to ‘get it on’ for some considerable time before Twitter was introduced. I don’t think blocking Web 2.0 networks will stop that boy meets girl thing from happening, do you?

Getting back to the point, then: although there are laws governing the creation, possession and sale of offensive content, and these define what constitutes offensive content in the UAE, I am not aware of laws that govern blocking competitive service providers or social networking sites. That would be a highly advanced (more advanced than anywhere in Europe, the USA or Asia) piece of legislation indeed. So there's potentially room to question the legal basis for blocking any of this stuff. I'm not talking morality or desirability: just the existence of a law. And, again, I’m not expert so please do take a pop if you know better.

So given the above holds water, you have to question the TRA’s ability to use the law, as it so readily threatens, to pursue people who sign up to this new proxy service. Of course, once content is physically present on a machine/storage in the UAE, other, highly effective and easy to understand laws come into play. But access alone… that’s a difficult one, no?

A small thought: the Internet is not blocked in Jordan or Egypt, as well as other Middle Eastern countries. Society has not crumbled as a consequence. Quite the opposite, both countries lead the region in ICT-based value creation and talent building.

Incidentally, the Emirates Today headline screams ‘INTERNET BLOCKER BEATER’ and is directly underneath an Etisalat strap advertisement that says ‘Wherever you go, we extend your reach’.

A nice piece of flat-planning and a beautiful last thought. :0)

Strange Searches

I’ve done this type of thing before, but remain amazed at the ongoing results from searchers of things on the Internet wot end up here. So here here are some of the stranger and more persistent search strings used by people in order to find this furtive and exclusive blog in the recent past. Some of them really do have me wondering…

Tollgate how to destroy tollgate
It's probably furious Salik victim Half Man Half Beer. Whoever it is, they're obviously looking for hints and tips on how to make your own Salik-beating RPG or something…

Aquafina water horror
Quite a few people have come by to the Aquafina post. I’m glad. I hope more see it.

Fake spring water
Fake Plastic Chickens
Fake Chicken
It seems that you get directed here by Google if you search for pretty much anything fake. I’m not sure how to take that… I am consistently amazed by how many people get here searching for Fake Plastic Chickens. They must all be terribly disappointed when they get here. So, because I'm a cutie really, here’s a link for all you fake plastic chicken seekers!

Metallic sea-green truck
I am really not sure what’s going on here, but I reckon if you can’t find one of these in the Sharjah car souk, you’re done for. I once bumped into a Detomaso Pantera there, BTW. Amazing thing to find in a hot dusty Gulf backroad...

Camps naked
Spare a passing thought for Nigel the Newbie Nudist, searching away for some furtive fun and getting a daft post from me instead…

Syria acid attack irish girl souk
Russian girl face slash
These are the two most worrying ones, particularly the latter (as I’ve reported before), which really unsettles me because of its frequency – whoever you are…

Yes but no but yes
I can only imagine its Matt thingy searching for himself…

Pink pepper tabloid Gulf News
I like that one. It’s got something hippy 1960s Syd Barrett lyric to it… I wonder what the hell the searcher was looking for?

Russian girls in Dubai
You have to SEARCH for them?

Burj Dubai Tilting
Burj Dubai Collapse
Shame on you! It’s not collapsing – it’s a great step for mankind!!!

Blue fig basil fakes
Had to add this recent one. I cannot begin to wonder what the eagerly anticipated result was supposed to be...

History Rises! Earth Bedecked With Jewel! Hyperbole Rules!

The Emirates Today did three things today that amused me. The newspaper's front cover story, which shrieks, tabloid style, 'One more step for the UAE, a giant leap for mankind!' is, of course, about the increasing height of the world's tallest building, the Burj Dubai.

Although cynics would perhaps remark that this is overselling the whole thing in an embarrassingly conformist way, there's no doubt as to the scale of this engineering feat. Whether it is, indeed, a giant leap for mankind (the last one was man reaching the moon, just so that you have a comparative scale to work with) would perhaps be something for debate.

Inside, the story continues under the chucklesome headline: 'History is rising into skies bit by bit and day by day'. We can only assume that ET's sub didn't get to write this one because of the missing definite article, something commonly associated with Arabic speakers writing English. One suspects the intervening hand of something darker and more senior than a sub. But it might just be that the sub was overwhelmed by the content and just lost the run of himself...

And then, on page 26, we have a double page feature on former stripper and 'burlesque' Dita Von Tees, a dubious subject for such a conformist organ to run in Ramadan, but rendered at least visually acceptable by the lovely black t-shirt super-imposed on the young lady's upper body (as usual, squeezed by whalebone into that 'two ice creams held in one hand' shape). I haven't seen that type of gloriously cack-handed image editing since Sarah's tailor in Karama used to import Malaysian fashion magazines for use as inspiration by his customers.

Thanks, ET, for starting my day with so many smiles!

Petrol Companies Revolt Against Credit Card Surcharges. Consumers to Get Stuffed. Again.

Although Gulf News reported in a news story that ENOC was collecting a 1.65% credit card transaction fee from customers, Emarat only got fingered in an editorial feature. Which is funny, because they also started passing on the 1.65% fee to customers on the 1st September.

Interestingly, ENOC didn't mention its move was due to any increase on the part of banks when it talked to Gulf News, but Emarat's explanatory leaflet to customers says the move comes 'due to increase in Bank Administration fees' and goes on to say that Emarat 'will add the 1.65% bank imposed fee to all credit/debit card payments...'

So Emarat is giving the clear impression to consumers that this move comes as the result of a new increase in fees from the bank. ENOC did not make that claim when it spoke to Gulf News, attributing the move to the loss it already makes selling fuel.

Charging consumers for the use of credit or debit cards is expressly against the merchant agreement that merchants enter into with the card networks. In fact, the card companies got all bellicose with GN when it was contacted by the newspaper regarding the ENOC move and both Visa and Mastercard made vaguely threatening 'this is not on and we're taking action' noises.

Banks contacted by GN called the move, apparently, 'unilateral'. Although if Emarat is also passing on the charge it would tend to suggest the move is 'multilateral'.

Passed over in the main by our brave news media, then, is the fact that a pitched battle is breaking out between petrol companies and the credit card networks and their acquiring banks. As usual, the people that are going to get royally screwed are the consumers. Sure, it's only a couple of dirhams in every hundred. But it's also yet another unwelcome price rise among a number of insidious little increases.

I do think the papers have missed the significance of this little standoff. You see, if these petrol companies get away with this (and there's no reason to suppose that they won't out here in the Klondike), you won't be waiting long for everyone else to join in. If Visa and Mastercard don't nip this in the bud soon, we might well be seeing a broader revolt breaking out. Which, although interesting to watch, is going to hurt consumers as merchants start surcharging us left, right and centre.

Sharjah Electricity and Water, as well as Emirates Post already charge a card handling fee - again in contravention of the card networks' stated policy - and Dubai Electricity and Water makes a 2.5% credit card surcharge at its cash collection points, although Internet card transactions are free of charge. In the UK, the world's most intensive credit card economy, merchants are specifically allowed to surcharge by law: although most don't, some (like low cost airlines) do. In many US states, regulations prohibit surcharging (nice bit of lobbying, card companies!).

In the UAE, the legislature has taken no stance - nor is it likely to any time soon. So it's down to the forces of 'laissez faire' and the 'market economy'.

Whoopee.

Blog Gets Action, Justice

Jordanian expat blogger Husain (Who’s-sane) posted up the appalling story of his father’s disappearance in Jordan on September 2^nd. His ageing father had gone missing and the frantic family spent a week looking for him, finally tracking him down to a hospital which they had been calling constantly to see if he, or anyone like him, had been admitted. Husein reports that by the time they found him, his father was critically ill because of the abusive treatment he had received at the hands of the wilfully negligent staff of the hospital

The full story is here. It’s been viewed over 3,700 times and drawn over 200 comments, the vast majority from truly horrified people who undoubtedly sparked major and widespread word of mouth awareness of this appalling situation. The story was also picked up by ‘conventional’ media and ran widely. The combination of word of mouth, blog and media resulted in Jordan’s Minister of Health, Dr. Salah Al Mawajdeh, getting involved and, yesterday, visiting the hospital on behalf of King Abdullah, promising action against the staff and the best possible treatment for Husain’s father. That post is here.

As pal and passionate social media advocate Gianni will tell you, over 40% of journalists surveyed in the UK said that social media affected their work. Over 60% cite blogs in their articles (and over 70% read blogs). In short, this shows how blogs - even in the under-Internetted Middle East - are capable of breaking major stories into national media as well as driving significant word of mouth.

Husain’s blog helped to get action and will, hopefully, also get justice for his father and the family. Which I, for one, find really quite cool.

Dubai Company Develops Horse Powered Cars

What if you could design a vehicle that was truly environmentally friendly and powered by, say, horses? Wouldn’t you want to share that invention with the world?

This is certainly the case with UAE company Fleet Horse, which has invented a new category of environmentally friendly vehicles powered by horses. You think I’m messing with you. No. Here’s a picture:

And here's the prototype:

And here’s some intro text from the site:

Greater and wealthy economies are those, witch are aimed to achieve the comfort and the growth of their people within the society. What make such economies, great and successful, is that, as well as concentrating on the actual growth, they also take in to consideration, the slightest damage to the environment. Naturmobile, in its own distinctive way, is designed to achieve both growths in economy and save the environment at the same time. The first and the most important factor that has been taken in to consideration, in building and designing this vehicle, is that, in no way, it has any threats what so ever to the environment.

This website is either the work of a comic genius or a lunatic. My money’s on comic genius, but you never know.

I give you the following short extract from the site’s FAQ:

Q: What is this Naturmobil?

A: This is a vehicle, just like any other vehicle, but with no engine, and in fact, is run by a horse.

Q: Does this vehicle perform like an Automobile?

A: The answer to this, would be, yes and no, by this we mean, where it concerns a very high performance in terms of speed, the answer, no is applied, because it is only designed to have a speed of 60-80km. and yes, we may say, because just like any other vehicle, it runs on wheels, has a chassis, body, clutch, gas pedal, break system and so on.

There is a great deal more where this comes from, including answers to critical questions such as ‘What if the horse refuses to walk?”.

Sent to me by old pal Roger, this website had me in hegs of helpless, snotty, tearing, sniveling laughter. I do hope it does the same for you. It’s here.

Do watch the video: it’s worth the short download…

Death Stalks Ras Al Khaimah

Mr. Ghulam, our regular taxi driver, knew the driver who was murdered last week in Ras Al Khaimah. He's a little sad and puzzled by it: the victim was a gentle, gentle man with a family, according to Mr. G.

Apparently taxis taking long fares like to lodge the passenger’s ID with the police just in case they refuse to pay for some reason (with a Dhs200 fare, if the passenger doesn’t give it up, the driver pays – and that’s a helluva lot of money for a cabbie here) and a Sharjah taxi, a pal of Mr. G’s, had declined the fare after the two passengers refused to lodge their IDs and were angry and threatening. He watched another taxi pick them up and never saw the driver again – his body was found the next morning, as the newspaper reports.

The man that refused the fare is currently feeling a sort of guilty relief.

Mr. G. is a little worried that people have taken to stabbing taxi drivers: this is a new and unwanted abuse being heaped on the heads of a bunch of people who already have it pretty hard. His least favourite night-time fare isn’t Ras Al Khaimah, though: it’s Fujeirah. “I won’t take the fare. Past Masafi it’s dark and lonely and if they are two and you are one, what can you do?”

Sharjah taxis are also currently doing all they can to avoid Dubai fares: it’s increasingly hard for them to make their money when they write off two or more hours on the return journey in an empty cab. They aren’t allowed, of course, to pick up in Dubai. This means that lots of people are shouting at them now.

Mr. G. remains phlegmatic…

Pronouncing GITEX

It’s jee tex. Not gheetex or jittex or, God forbid, Gittex. It was originally called GITE (pronounced jeet as in French holiday home), for Gulf Information Technology Exhibition. Some bright spark thought of adding the X a few years on.

It's lie-nux. Originator Linus Torvalds is called lie-nuss. Not Linn Us. See Charlie Brown.

It's router as in trade route. It re-routes signals. Not router as in the rout of the Byzantines or as in grooving tool. Or, indeed, as in hunting for truffles.

Oh. And while we're on the subject, it's Jebel Ali as in Jebbel Alley. Not Gerbil Arlee.

Just so's we're clear...

GITEX - A Dull Show?

It’s day three of The Show To End All ShowsTM, GITEX, and there’s barely an inspiration to share. The papers are talking about the TV screens on display, which speaks volumes. Only yesterday’s Al Eqtisadiah has broken ranks so far and been publicly highly unimpressed in its front page story.

It has to be said that GITEX is looking like a show that is heading fast down the same road as Which Computer, Comdex and the world's other major horizontal IT trade shows. You don’t go GITEX to enter the Middle East market any more (at least not if you’re a multinational key brand). And you don’t do GITEX if you haven’t got a channel but would like one (there are a million other ways to recruit a channel – besides, everyone who matters has an establishd channel). And you surely don’t do GITEX just to stay ‘in’ with the government (that’s just naïve, no?). The increased frequency of today's product life cycles also means that companies are less willing to hold back products to launch at exhibitions.

And so more and more organisations are realising that they don’t actually have a solid reason to spend the very considerable amount of money it takes to put on a display at the show. This is something that could well be construed as a call for the organisers to significantly re-invent the show: and, in my view, it’s going to take vision, creativity and really smart management to keep the GITEX exhibition relevant to pretty much anyone that matters.

The transformation should arguably have started three years ago. I do wonder if they can compress that into the coming 12 months. If they can, then perhaps there’ll be a show worth attending next year.

How ironic, then, that GITEX should become a victim of its own success. Let's hope they rethink it before it's too late.

Headline of the Year

This has to be headline of the year. Today's Gulf News:

Do not watch TV while driving, police warn motorists

Isn't that simply brilliant? According to GN, the place where the real news happens, Dubai Police have warned residents that television screens in the front of cars are 'hazardous and distract motorists'.

Wait for the followup warning stories: Do not run carrying scissors. Do not set fire to own hair. Do not jump off tall buildings.

Caught in the Tide

The guy two cars in front of us swerved and then suddenly there was an old man in the road, bewildered and scared. The car in front jinked left, right, left. The old man moved, too, but in the same direction each time, a macabre mirror-dance with an inevitable finale. His hands were held up in supplication, or rejection, as the car hit him and then suddenly he was high in the air, a ridiculous flight.

He landed next to us, then was behind us as we lurched to a halt. I got out of the car, the old man sitting in the road, his bloody head in his hands, but I was transfixed by the realisation that there was little I could do, here in the middle of the dusty road off the Alex highway. There were men running everywhere and a group of four lifted the old man from the road as I stood, useless and bewildered. He was stiff in his sitting position as they lifted him and I realised with a shock that I had seen this position before, a dead old beggar being lifted out of the gutter of the covered souk in Halab. Sometimes Cairo reminds me of Halab in its relentless, remorseless movement of people and goods in the pursuit of marginal gain. And this old man reminded me of that old man, a victim of the tide.

His sandals were still in the road, being run over by passing cars, lorries and buses filled with curious faces pressed to the windows. Our driver and I darted into the traffic to get them back, I saw the old man’s keys, two of them tied together on a keyring with a see-through plastic die on the fob and walked out to get them. I handed the keys to one of the men huddled around the old man, sitting by the road in his dusty kandoura, a horrific wound in his forehead where he’d smashed it into the corner of the car window, I remember thinking stupidly how there was remarkably little blood, although his face was streaked with red. They were giving him water and then a traffic cop turned up. There was nothing more we could do, so we drove off: three silent people in a car together with nothing to say.

Ten Things To Take You Outside Dubai.

It’s coming up for the visiting season: that time of year when the weather’s just peachy for barbecues and beaches. And that will bring the inevitable influx of visitors, Christmas Aunts and others. So what can you do with them to get everyone out of the house and celebrating some of the richness and diversity around us? And no, I’m not being sarcastic. There’s loads here, if you just know where to look for it. It really riles me when so many people don’t even bother to go out and explore, just sit in their gated gardens whining about how little culture there is etc etc.

So here’s a starter for ten: all fascinating and all linked to the culture and history of the UAE, so mixing pleasure with perhaps even a little edukashun. And a nice antidote to those fake plastic souks!

Warning: Megapost

I woke up with the idea of doing this, for some reason, and started with the intention of doing one a day because they’re each longish. And then I had a flight to Cairo and real work to do, so I did these instead and thought I might as well just chuck ‘em all up here. Please do feel free to cut and paste, but if you paste on the web, do link back here, ta! You never know, perhaps these will inspire young Bluey to get snapping again instead of lazing around on the beach…

Ajman Museum

The home of the ruler until 1967, Ajman Museum is situated in Ajman Fort and is probably in line for a UNESCO award for being the most charming, eclectic and generally just eccentric collection of historical artefacts and household junk in the Middle East (yes, they’re virtually indistinguishable), but it’s a fascinating insight into life in the Emirates before traffic and features some marvellous displays. For some odd reason they get funny about photography but will issue a permit if you ask ‘em nicely. By no means as slick or sophisticated as Dubai Museum, which is really why it’s such an appealing place. One amazing, if simple, display is the date store, showing how they used to collect the date syrup from the pressed jute sacks in runnels that led to an underfloor tank, out of which they used to ladle the syrup, straining it through a palm fibre funnel to get rid of the wasps. Other displays include the Ruler’s suite, a souk, crime and punishment (including real stocks and some graphic stuff about shooting criminals) and a medical display.

Find it by driving to Ajman and asking anyone where Ajman Fort is. They’ll lie to you, but the diversion will be fun…

Once you’ve done looking at old furniture, house displays, boats, souqs and so on, then turn right out of the museum and right again at the roundabout and you’ll find yourself, after a couple of hundred yards and a left turn off the traffic lights, in Ajman’s Iranian souk, which is well worth an evening’s wander.

Sharjah Desert Park

Originally built under the eagle eye of amateur zoologist and long term UAE resident Marijke Joengbloed (hope I got that right, did it from memory), who wrote a letter to His Highness Dr. Sheikh Sultan Al Qassmi, the ruler of Sharjah, to complain that the Bedouin were decimating the breeding grounds of the spiny tailed lizard (or Dhub, in Arabic) as it is considered an aphrodisiac. The good Dr. responded by suggesting they build a wildlife park and conservation centre, which they duly did. Joengbloed, a delightfully eccentric woman, took great pleasure in the fact that the larger animals are outside, while the humans are kept inside looking out at them: effectively reversing the accepted zoo visitor/animal relationship. The park and museum are fascinating, with super displays on the geology and natural history of the UAE’s desert biome as well as examples of the very rich flora and fauna of the Emirates' deserts and wadis. The stars of the show are the Arabian Leopards, who are just big, lazy, arrogant tarts.

You’ll find the park on the Sharjah/Dhaid highway.

While you’re there, try not to look at the awful thing on the other side of the road. It’s a monument to Sharjah being nominated UN culture capital or something like that.

Al Ain Oasis

Lush, verdant palm groves surround you as you walk through the pathways that twist around the plantations watered by a traditional falaj (waterway) irrigation system. It’s a delightful place to wander whatever the weather and is a photographer’s dream. When you’ve done wandering around the oasis (go to Al Ain and just ask around. You’ll get there eventually), then have a stab at visiting the museum, which is great. Alternatively, you can visit the Umm Al Nar tomb in Hili Park (well signposted) or take a trip up the 13km or so of winding road to the top of Jebel Hafit (or Gerbil Halfwit if you have the sense of humour of a weak-minded 8 year old, as I do) and take a gander across the rolling stretches of dunes that mark the start of the Rub Al Khali desert, crossed in the 1950s by Wilfred “The boys’ wet young thighs glistened in the sun” Thesiger.

While you’re there, look up BSS and BRN for tea. Just leave a comment on their blog and they’ll have the kettle on, I’m sure! >;0)

Jazirat Al Hamra

This little coastal village was totally deserted after the family that predominantly inhabited it fell out with the local sheikh. They decamped to Abu Dhabi in the main, leaving the village literally deserted behind them and it remains pretty much in that state today, old coral-walled houses with henna trees in their central courtyards, wired with basic electricity and three-figure ‘phone numbers installed in the richer houses. It’s a little slice of transitional UAE and it stands today. There’s a new village of Jazirat Al Hamra just on the road, just before you get to the Al Hamra Fort Hotel on the Umm Al Qawain/Ras Al Khaimah coastal road. Turn left just as you arrive at Jazirat Al Hamra and drive towards the coast and you’ll find the old village. It’s great to take a wander around and have a good old fossick: the mosque, in particular, is wonderful. The beach here is beautiful, but sadly is usually dirty with litter. After the first storm of winter, you’ll find the distinctive egg casings of the paper nautilus washed up on the beach – if you’re lucky: they’re really rare.

Khasab

Something of a hidden jewel, Khasab is the small town in the Omani enclave that sits at the tip of the Emirates promontory into the Straits of Hormuz. You just need a passport with a UAE residence visa in it and a few dirhams and you can get through the border post in minutes flat (life’s potentially a bit more complicated for visitors from overseas who should, ideally, get an Omani visa processed from their country of origin. This saves any hiccups on the day, believe me.) There are two hotels in Khasab at the time of writing, the Golden Tulip which is a slightly overpriced 3* and the Khasab Hotel, which is a clean but functional caravanserai type of affair. They’re building a new extension, so that may have changed but we’ve stayed in the old one and it’s OK for a night. They even let us cook our own barbecued dinner and breakfast as we didn’t really fancy the menu on offer!!!

Why go to Khasab? For the drives around the mad, fjord-like coastline, for the drives up into the mountains that overlook the legendary heights of Wadi Bih and the fossil fields up there. And, ultimately, to hire one of the local boats (they range from speedboats to traditional dhows) and motor out into the fantastic seascapes, passing by telegraph island (in 1886 the Brits established a telegraph cable link through the Gulf that passed through Bahrain, telegraph island then out to Bombay. A couple of Brits were stationed there and apparently used to go bonkers waiting for the 6-monthly supply ship to hove to around the corner, originating the phrase ‘going round the bend’. No, I don’t really and truly believe it either, but it’s too great a story not to tell your wide-eyed visitors!). At the end of the boat trip, you can then play with the schools of dolphins that stream through the water in the boats’ wake. A great afternoon out.

Mahatta Fort Museum

To my immense surprise, this slice of colonial history was preserved by the Sharjah Government just when it was crumbling to pieces and seemed set to be knocked down. It stands today as a great little museum to the history of flight in the region, from the Handley Page biplanes (and seaplanes) that used to connect Croydon to Queensland in the old days when a chota peg jolly well meant a chota peg.

The restoration of the fort, built originally by the ruler of Sharjah to offer protection to the passengers on the Imperial Airways route as they overnighted in Sharjah, is true to the original in every detail and is most impressive. There’s a great display of ‘planes in there, including some of the first Gulf Aviation planes (the precursor to Gulf Air) and the curators usually allow people with kids to get up in one of the riveted aluminium exhibits. Given that I occasionally have issues with trusting Airbus 321s (are you listening, Al Italia?), I can’t imagine flying in those things, really. Amaazing.

The Mahatta Fort was immortalised, incidentally, in the 1937 documentary Air Outpost by London Films under the aegis of Alexander Korda (and with a soundtrack by William Alwyn). “Thanks to the achievement of modern flight,” the soundtrack gushes in a truly Cholmondeley-Warner voice, “It’s possible to fly from Croydon to the desert Kingdom of Sharjar in just four deys!”

Imagine.

The documentary is held up as an early example of ‘true’ documentary, where the film-maker takes an unscripted approach to showing life as it truly is, which is a little dubious, but it shows not only life in the fort but Sharjah’s people and souk in a fascinating and unique piece of footage.

Mahatta is just around the corner from the ‘Blue Souk’, the Saudi Mosque, Ittihad Park and ‘Smile You’re in Sharjah’ roundabout (known to us for many years as ‘Smile You’re Insane’ roundabout). You can tell when you’re on the right road, it’s straight as a die – that’s because it is in fact the old runway. It’s the road that runs parallel to Feisal Street, going from Ittihad Park to Wahda Street, just round the corner from Mega Mall.

The Masafi Friday Market, Dafta and Bitnah

Drive from Dhaid, the inland town of Sharjah, to the mountain village of Masafi (where the water comes from) and you’ll find yourself passing through the village of Thorban as you approach the foothills. There’s an Eppco station and then, a few minutes after it, there’s a roundabout. The next turning right will lead you to the Thorban pottery – well worth a visit to see the traditional Indian kiln and the potters working away at their wheels. They export the pots from here, believe it or not!

Going on up into the mountains will take you inevitably to the Masafi Friday Market, a spontaneous growth of stalls that sprang up around the speed bumps here which sell everything from odious pots and rugs to plants and fresh fruit and vegetables from the surrounding farms. Despite the name, it’s open every day and makes for an interesting wander.

Go on up to Masafi and sling a right at the roundabout (a left will take you past the Masafi factory and then onto the delightful Indian ocean town of Dibba) and you’ll come to a village with shops either side of the road. This is Daftah. Take a left and drive up through the houses (you’ll need a little trial and error) and you’ll eventually find the track that leads up the wadi to the old deserted village of Daftah. Sadly, the great wadi here has been drained of water, but the village is worth a view.

Carry on down the road towards Fujairah through the mountains and you’ll come to the village of Bitnah. There are two things worth stopping off to see here: Bitnah Fort (drive through the village and down into the wadi bed and head right – you can’t miss it once you’re in the wadi. I’d recommend a 4WD, but a 2WD can do it if you don’t care too much about your suspension), which is an ancient looking fort (it isn’t really that old, but it’s picturesque) and the megalithic tomb. To get to the megalithic tomb, head for the base of the huge red and white telecom tower: it’s directly in line between the tower and the wadi and is protected by a fence and covered with a corrugated tin roof. You can’t get in, but this tomb is important in its way: excavated by a Swiss team in the ‘90s, it shows that the wadi from Fujeirah to Masafi was, indeed, part of a 3000 year old trade route and is one of the oldest burial sites in the UAE. It is, sadly, neglected.

Hatta

Hatta is to Dubai what Dhaid is to Sharjah (and Al Ain to Abu Dhabi): the inland oasis town that the semi-nomadic peoples of the UAE (Trucial States then, but that’s another story) used to escape to in the hot summer months. In Hatta’s case, it’s super-cool, high up in the Hajar mountains and always relatively fresh and lush compared to the arid desert plains. Hatta’s marvellous track, which led from the mountain town across the range and down to Al Ain, has sadly been turned into black-top, but it would still be a fantastic drive and you can still access the pools and side wadis.

Hatta also has an interesting Heritage Centre, which is well worth a visit, with displays of old mountain housing and the like. On holidays and high days they put on displays of dancing and stuff like that.

The Hatta Fort Hotel is well worth an overnight stay. A tiny, delightful and extraordinarily well-run hotel (kept by 19 staff – you’ll find the day’s pool attendant is the evening’s sommelier), the Hatta Fort’s food is great when they’re on their best classical fine dining form, but I wouldn’t go mad for the buffet nights. It serves the best breakfast in the Middle East.

Do ask them to knock you up a curry if you eat in the restaurant: it’s a great undiscovered wonder. And do have a drink in the unintentionally uber-funky walnut and gold ‘70s Romoul Bar upstairs from the restaurant (mourn the passing of the old cream leather sofas while you’re there). Sadly, they’ve started to renovate the hotel for some reason all of their own and the rooms have been overhauled with tacky gold-sprayed tin dog ornaments and faux leapordskin wraps stapled to the furniture, but just because that spoilt it for us doesn’t mean it has to for you!

Dibba and Wadi Bih

Dibba is a sleepy town on the Indian Ocean coast which belies a bloody past: it was here that the final great battle for the consolidation of Islam on the Gulf peninsula was fought. Get there by leaving Sharjah on the airport road towards Dhaid, and driving through to Masafi, then turning left at the Masafi roundabout.

Turn right at the dolphin roundabout in Dibba and you’ll be on the way down the East Coast road, through Khor Fakkan and down to Fujeirah. You’ll also pass the Hotel JAL Resort and Spa just as you leave town, a new development by the Japanese airline. It’s worth a stay: we went when it was soft launching and they had some teething troubles, but it seemed to have great promise and very good service indeed.

But turn left at Dolphin roundabout and you’ll be set for a trip up into the mountains. Sadly, I haven’t got space to give you infallible instructions, but find someone (or an offroad book) that will give you directions to Wadi Bih and take a drive up the most awesome wadi track in the Emirates, curling far up into the hills at the top of the Hajar mountain range. The geology alone, the mad folding rock formations and misty valley vistas, is worth the trip – and includes a drive through the largest area of denuded, uplifted seabed in the world. So there. They’re building a spa hotel by the village of Ziggi so by the time you read this they’ve probably asphalted half the track, but go anyway.

You may get turned back at the UAE/Omani border post towards the end of the track (give yourself a good hour to drive it), but if not you come out in Ras Al Khaimah.

The Souk Al Arsah

The Sharjah government started to renovate the Souk Al Arsah in the ‘90s, turning an area of broken down old coral-walled buildings into a dramatic and pretty faithful reproduction of the original Sharjah souk. Delightfully, they then let the shop units to the families that had originally owned them although many of these have now been leased out to Indian shop-owners. Some have remained as locally owned and run bric-a-brac (sorry, ‘antique’) shops and are fascinating visits. I cannot recommend a wander around this souk highly enough. Many of the old trading family houses around the souk have also been restored and are open to visit and there’s a maritime display put together by the heritage association, too, reflecting some of Sharjah’s history as a pearl diving centre. When you’ve done wandering, wander over to the Sharjah Fort, again a huge renovation project (there was only one round tower left of the original fort) that has resulted in an interesting building: although it could be a richer display than it is currently, it’s still well worth a trip to see.

Right. If that lot doesn’t get you out of the house, nothing will!

Dubai Traffic

I’m a giant, lying on a bed of cars, thrashing in my nightmare and rolling over, crushing roofs, glass splintering. I’m staggering through the traffic, snaking lines of it spiralling into a smoking, choking infinity. Effed up on something: a nasty acid badness and a metallic taste in my mouth. Sudden awareness: you don’t taste in dreams. A fear rush, then; not good on acid. Calm down before things get really twisted, you’re centred. Think of trees, sitting under trees. Woodlands, birds singing; the hills and Julie Andrews.

Shit, that was a mistake. Julie Andrews has ripped me out of slomo and brought me in a rush back to realtime like a webcam taped to the front of the Kyoto Bullet train and I’m back, staggering in the grey smog, cars jostling around me.

It’s bumper to bumper and they’re aggressive: I can see one face snarling out of a window at me, blank-eyed, lycanthropic and dripping streams of saliva from the yellowed teeth revealed by its drawn back lips. I stumble backwards in fear, hit another car moving slowly behind me, a horn loud and piercing my ears as I start to lose my legs and drop to my knees. I can hear an insane keening, a banshee howl of pain and realise it’s my own voice, faltering now that I'm collapsing, choking on the thick, billowing fumes. I’m down on my belly trying to get up but I can’t move. I can feel it looming over me and the bumper nudges the back of my head as the wheel starts to roll up my leg. I can feel the slow, rolling pressure crushing my ankle, squeezing my calf muscle and veins popping...

It’s true, you know. Dubai’s traffic is a nightmare…

The Winds of Change Blow Forever Strong

Well, change IS afoot in the Middle East! The UAE moved to an official Friday/Saturday weekend last year, reversing an earlier decision that had explicitly laid down that government ministries and associated private sector organisations (such as schools) should follow a Thursday/Friday weekend. The move to enforce the 'traditional' weekend followed a long, slow de facto movement to a Friday/Saturday weekend by the private sector, principally led by media and ICT companies in the UAE.

The latest move to a Friday/Saturday weekend was very good news for those of us married to teachers. Now we have the same weekend and that's a nice thing.

Jordan and Egypt, lest we forget, have Friday/Saturday weekends, too (and Lebanon has Saturday/Sunday, just to be, euft, different). With Bahrain and Qatar having made the same move as the UAE last year, those following the 'old fashioned' Thursday/Friday weekend were in the minority.

So now comes the news that Kuwait has made the move, despite some localised opposition, to a Friday/Saturday weekend. And even business people in Saudi Arabia are, according to Gulf News' correspondent, pushing for the weekend to change.

Despite the assertion made by some that the change is pandering to the West (because, of course, the West gives a hoot what weekend we have) the new weekend preserves the Muslim Holy Day of Friday as well as giving the region an extra days' effective trading with partners in the US, Europe and Asia.

What's perhaps interesting is that the 'traditional' weekend that the new Friday/Saturday weekend replaces was in fact a 1 1/2 day one: Thursday afternoon and Friday. So, of course, many companies still continue to work the 'old' weekend - because they don't want to give their staff the extra half day off.

Update: Those Lucky Workers!

Here's the link to that wonderful story in Xpress about labour accommodation.