Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Car

The Nissan Tiida. It’s one of the most annoying little cars on the road. It was launched with a completely bonkers campaign aimed at positioning it as a young and funky motor (rather than as a cheap office workers’ jalopy) which had me thinking for ages it was promoting Tilda, everyone’s favourite branded basmati rice. The final realisation, that the 60’s style funky bunch was actually promoting a low-cost runabout, was something of a let-down. It would have been an interesting rice campaign, at least. Rather than a Tiidious car campaign.

But the Tiida, a stupidly named car if ever there were one, is eclipsed by the Toyota Yaris. I simply can’t believe that anyone would call a car a Yaris. Try it in a Birmingham accent to appreciate just how appalling it is. Can you imagine the conversation their marketing team had?

“Great, team. Let’s brainstorm those names!”

“So, I thought of Viseon. Or how about Smasheon?”

“That’s really cool, Anne! Mike?”

“Well, thanks for that Anne. Sure, Tony: I came up with Avancea which for me really mixed the sort of dream and vision of Avalon with words like advancement and aspiration, you know?”

“That’s really good Mike! Any others? Simon?”

Simon is humble, his voice low. They have to strain to hear him as he speaks. “I thought of ..." They all wait, expectantly... "Yaris.”

The room explodes with excitement. Tony slams his fist down on the table. “Yaris! That’s simply brilliant Simon!”

Mike is sulking. He knows now that Simon’s going to get that promotion to head of market dynamics for the ARS region and Sukie won’t be talking to him tonight.

No, really. What were they thinking about? Anyway, I have some suggestions. I think Ford should launch a small car called the Wolk. Try it: it’s great. Use a sort of throaty American movie trailer voice and imagine a silver car whizzing around the Grand Canyon as a willowy blonde lets her purple scarf go and it flies into the winds above the silver streak handling impeccably along the winding, precipitous road. “The Ford Wolk. The freedom you need to live the life you deserve!”

And then Mitsubishi can launch the Spotch, just to screw them all up and take the market.

5 comments:

Taline said...

you are a silly man:)

Seabee said...

I was buying a car a couple of years ago, thought seriously about a Nissan, everything in the showroom was sold but the salesman told me to come back in two weeks when the sensational new Tiida would be available.

I went back in two weeks, got a few steps into the showroom and saw the awful heap sitting there.

I left.

Grumpy Goat said...

It's either a blessing or a shame (I'm not sure which) that prevents motor manufacturers from using names that actually describe what the product is like:-

The Ford Adequate;

The Mercedes Arrogant;

The Nissan Ennui;

The Lamborghini Ostentatious.

Why would anyone want to own a Ford Maverick, where 'maverick' implies 'unpredictable' and 'unreliable'?

And as for the Mitsubishi Onanist, who would want one of those?

(For those readers not in the know, 'pajero' is a slang term used in Latin-American countries to describe one who, er, engages the services of Mme Palm and her five daughters.)

alexander said...

You've got me bang to rights, Goat: I'm a >ahem< Shogun owner myself!!! :)

In a previous life I spent six joyful years driving Toyota MR2s - a car that can never be taken to France (pronounce emmarrtoo in French and you've got emme errr deux or 'shitty').

I pick 'em, don't I? :)

Rose in Dubai said...

My favourite car misnomer is the Vauxhall Nova - apparently when is was launched in Spain no one bought it. Not surprising when you figure out No Va is "doesn't go" in Spanish!

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