Strangely correct in his predictions regarding the death of the newspaper due to television (we've had to wait for the Internet to do that), the Mighty Malik's words on the matter will remain with me for a long time yet...
Letters of Complaint
Letters of complaint must be drafted as diplomatically as the letters of advice otherwise they lose the savour and bring no good results – often bad results.
Complaint Against Husband
Do you want to know how my newly married husband is providing for the family?
“Is your husband much of a provider?” That is what you asked in your last letter.
He just has not had anything else to do except providing. He promises to get some furniture provided he gets the money. He promises to get the money provided he gets a job. He promises to go to work provided the job suits him. I have not seen such a providing man in all my life.
Some people are complaining that you are guilty of smuggling, but I don’t believe a thing.
At a particularly loud clap of thunder, a woman walked along a street in London during the Second World War with a bag of smuggled goods.
“It’s alright”, said an urchin. “It ain’t Hitler. It is God.”
Need I complain about service in your restaurant? After long waiting, one of your bearers told a customer, “Your fish will be coming in a minute or two now, Sir.” The sad man looked interested. “Tell me”, he said, “which bait are you using?”
If anyone believes that TV will replace the newspaper just let him try to wrap up last winter’s suit in a TV.
The Baltimore & Ohio R.R. Co.
Why is it that your switch engine has to ding and dong and fizz and spit and pant and grate and grind and puff and bump and chug and hoot and toot and whistle and wheeze and howl and clang and growl and thump and clash and goom and jolt and screech and snarl and snort and throb and roar and rattle and hiss and smoke and smell and shriek all night long when I come home from a hard day at the boiler works and have to keep the dog quiet and the baby quiet so my wife can squawk at me for snoring in my sleep?
Next week: Response to Notices