Monday, 15 December 2008

Car

Let's just assume for a moment that someone you dislike intensely is humming 'Scarborough Fair' in a really, really annoying and insistent way. And that you react by shoving a broken child's plastic descant recorder up their nose with some considerable force so that it is stuck there. And that you then plug their mouth with a dead stoat.

Now let us postulate that you have recorded the subsequent attempt to continue humming that tune using a microphone without a pop-shield that is in turn fed through a fuzz-box. And that you crank up the amplified result of the whole wonderful set-up through a hundred-watt Marshall guitar amp.

You are starting to get an idea of just how unbelievably annoying Al Habtoor Motors' Sharjah Service Centre's music on hold is.

Once you get through the frantic parpings of Simon and Garfunkle's VL-Tone Greats, you get automatically routed to an extension that is permanently engaged. Dialling zero means being routed to a resentful-sounding individual who will then consign you, with no sign of having a guilty conscience, to whole minutes of Scarborough Hell. And then you get the service centre man. Which is where the fun really starts.

"Hello."
"Hello."
"Hello."
"Hello."
"Look, let's just take the hello as read, shall we?"
"Sorry?"
"Never mind. I want to book my car for a service."
"AC not working?"
"No. Service."
"Yes, this service centre."
"I know that. I want to book for service."
"You want for service?"
"YES!"
"OK. You must call to make booking."
"I AM CALLING TO MAKE A BOOKING!"
"Hello?"

You get the gist. But let me assure you that this conversation goes on for a long, long time. I do love it when service time comes around. Not.

12 comments:

Mockingbird said...

Pajero hell then hunny, I'm a Solihull product woman myself... particularly like the fact that you are supposed to be able to fix it by the roadside with a couple of spanners and a screwdriver.... with a really big hammer for emergencies!

Mars said...

hehe. love customer support in dubai. as long as i'm not the one needing support.

redstar said...

The constant 'hello hello' thing is bizarre. Every time there's a pause in conversation, they should 'hello'. Drives me crazy too.

Please let my washing machine never break again. That involved at least 1,000 pointless hellos.

Even luxury car showrooms are useless when it comes to booking cars in. I can only assume most owners have people to do it for them. If I were a millionaire Ferrari or Range Rover owner, I would not appreciate constantly being put on hold, being put through to the wrong person and generally having to leap through hoops, just so I could give the garage some more of my money ever 10,000Kms.

Keefieboy said...

I used to use Triple A. They weren't cheap, but at least the guys who answered the phone could handle English (even the Scots guy who owns the place). And when they fixed something, it stayed fixed.

Seabee said...

The 'hellooo?' even pops up during conversations. They're speaking but if you don't make a comment at the end of each sentence ...'hellooo?'


What gets me here is that for what they like to call 'a major service' they need the car for two or three days. I've owned many different cars in many different cities around the world and never have they needed the car for more than the one day.

the real nick said...

Forget dealer service unless you plan to sell within two-three years with "full service history" (Not sure if you should include this blog post in that history.)

I recommend Off-Road motors in Al Quoz. 'Free' courtesy car (1987 Cherokee), not cheap, but reliable and quick.

Rose in Dubai said...

Love the "hello" thing! Its even funnier when they phone you and do it ... if you have a couple of houyrs to spare that is!

The best ever customer service message was on ADCB a couple of years ago. After being led round the houses with the "press 1 for..." for about 5 minutes the final message was "Thank you for calling ADCB. Our phone number has changed. Goodbye" Hysterical!

Rose in Dubai said...

Love the "hello" thing! Its even funnier when they phone you and do it ... if you have a couple of houyrs to spare that is!

The best ever customer service message was on ADCB a couple of years ago. After being led round the houses with the "press 1 for..." for about 5 minutes the final message was "Thank you for calling ADCB. Our phone number has changed. Goodbye" Hysterical!

halfmanhalfbeer said...

You have got an awfully vivid imagination haven't you!!

HMHB

alexander... said...

Yes.

:)

Jones. Bridget Jones. said...

I know, this is not funny, but you made Bridget laugh!

She's had similar phone encounters, in all wakes of that remote concept called 'customer service'.

Oh wait, you made that up? Ha! ;)

rosh said...

hahaha! *Hello*! I hear ya Alex :) About 11 years ago, my first car was a Pajero 2-door sport. I've had my share of heartburn, courtesy, Habtoor folks at CS.

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