Monday, 25 February 2008


I do enjoy having the occasional peek at the searches that have ended up referring hapless wanderers of the Internet to this lonely little blog and I like to share the cream of the crop now and then. So here are some more of the searches that ended up getting decent, law abiding people misdirected to this dusty little corner of the internet. You do wonder sometimes what on earth people are up to.

Anyway. I have also appended the best advice I can think of, just in case the disappointed searchers ever try and repeat the search. I feel bad they should have wasted their time here instead of finding the thing they most sought in the world at that moment...

ideas for making fake human kidneys for a project
Let’s, for a second, put aside any natural concern about quite what project we’re talking about (I mean, is this project biology lecture or project scare the hell out of your little sister by filling her wendy house with body parts?), I’d maybe look at using balloons filled with sand. You’ll have a hard time getting a balloon that’s the same colour as a kidney if you don’t live in the Middle East, but my local Lal’s Supermarket sells some really dodgy party balloons and you’re sure to find a couple of kidney coloured ones in each bag. They’ll also be deliciously, realistically, squishy. Now just cover them in lots of tomato ketchup. Don’t let any policemen find you wandering around with a bag full of human kidneys. For some reason it makes them suspicious.

Are there big parks in Ajman
Yes. But there are bigger ones in Sharjah and Dubai.

Are Russian girls grumpy
Generally only if provoked, I find. Otherwise they’re often really quite lovely. However, all girls can be grumpy for no particular reason for a few days every month and so consequently they’re generally always best approached with caution.

Is traffic in Dubai bad?
Are you kidding me? Is there someone in the world that really hasn’t appreciated this, the one abiding truth in the city of a thousand cranes? Yes the traffic in Dubai is bad – gut-wrenchingly, heart-achingly, distressingly, road-rage-inducingly bad. It’s about as bad as you’d want to get: hours of sitting around in pointless, aggressive, lane-swapping lines of epic proportions, the crawling lines of cars laced with belching fumes as they stand on shimmering tarmac. People regularly pitch late for meetings: events are planned around traffic patterns or alternatives found to avoid dragging people through the misery. I do hope that starts to give you some idea of the picture here. And no, the traffic regulator, the RTA, isn’t really helping very much as far as I can see – although we can only hope that its long term vision and plan are better than its short term communications.

Note to RTA: putting up roadside advertisements trumpeting your achievements in areas where the traffic has been rendered immobile by your actions is not the way to people’s hearts.

Dubai lalaland
You pretty much nailed that one on the head.

You need to leave Dubai and look up towards the sky.
If you like. I hear more and more people talking about quitting Dubai as prices go through the roof and the traffic makes each day a grind. The whole rental/property thing isn’t much fun, either. And it’s about as multidimensional as a poster of Victoria Beckham, but personally I’m still highly amused by the place.

Strangled chicken
Strange one, this. I can’t shake the nagging suspicion that this search is somehow linked to some strange perversity that I haven’t yet encountered. But maybe I’m just being a little too salacious.

Is a promotional stone valuable?
Not if it comes from Acer! LOL!

Sad cat
Some little things make all this worth doing, honestly. I am relatively proud of the fact that if you search Google Images for the image ‘Sad cat’, which several people appear to have done, you get to me on the second page of rather sickening results (yeah, it would be better if it were the first, but you takes what you can get). Sadly for those beguiled by the cutesy kitten, you get the following text directly underneath:

“Am I the only person in the world who thinks that the only thing less funny than the much discussed LOL Cats is being boiled to death in your own tears? I freely confess to failing to see the purpose or humour in this most pathetic of memes. Cutesy, dumbed down and with little originality or witticism, they synthesise the worst of ‘Ahhh, look at kitty!’ with a touch of ‘Who loves the naughty kitty then?’ It’s enough to make you puke.”

Take that, cat lovers! :)

1 comment:

nzm said...

We got googled for "is there a synagogue in Dubai" - that was the most amusing one for a while, but your list is extreme!

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