Sky

The Sky News team is in Dubai for the week, which was why Sarah and I sat open-mouthed watching the box last night as anchor man and long-time respected broadcaster Jeremy Thompson extolled the virtues of this global downturn-beating economic miracle, this city of iconic developments, this miraculous, visionary place with the 'go for it' attitude.

The tallest tower, the biggest mall, the most expensive firework display and, of course, the Palms all came in for a mention. It was odd to see them talking about de old place like dat!

Welcome, Jeremy and team. We look forward to a week of insights and revelatory reporting that gets beneath the microns of goldy paint to give us all a better understanding of what makes the Shiny tick.

(A shiny tick to me, a buffed parasite to you)

Rubbish

Saturday morning, driving down the Academic City Road and watching the wee men in the orange boiler-suits wandering through the sand dunes picking up the rubbish from Friday nights revels. And there sure is a lot of it.

Between Khawaneej and the Awir Road, by the sprawling monstrosity that is Dubai's landfill, the desert around the Academic City Road is criss-crossed with tyre-marks. The boys like to come out here to play, especially in the Winter months, on their quad bikes or in their 4WDs. And they stay out late, lighting camp fires and hanging out - some even pitch semi-permanent tents. Friday night is, of course, the biggest night of the week and the ghaf trees and dunes shake to the constant drone of engines.

Judging from the state of the desert on Saturday morning, there's a whole load of eating and drinking going on, too. We saw six men wandering the dunes, filling up black bin bags and then dumping them at the side of the road. Every few yards along the black-top there was another cluster of bags.

Every weekend, they come up here to clean up after Friday night. And every Friday, the lads gather to tear it up on the sand and drop their papers, cans and containers behind them for the boys in the gitmo suits to clear up.

It's rubbish, isn't it?

authonoblog

OK.

I said I'd done posting about authonomy, the Harper Collins social networking slushpile writer's group peer-review website thingy. And I lied.

In about 10 days I'll get my very own crit from an HC editor, which will be nice. Not really expecting 'We love you, here's a contract' so much as 'Nice, tidy it up'. We'll see.

Meanwhile, this is the last 10 days of the current month at authonomy, and a number of smart, talented people are now hoping for their own 'top out' moment on the editor's desk. I'd like to recommend you pop over and take a read of these books then add them to your bookshelf so that they get the backing.

There's a lot of debate about this, but one of the things I find so neat about authonomy is the possibility of a new egalitarianism in literature: we're getting to choose the kinds of book we'd like to read from a sample of raw work. There are over 3500 books on authonomy and getting to the top of the pile is some achievement.

Some of you guys were kind enough to help me do it: take a look at these little marvels and see if you agree with me that they should be in bookshops!!!

The Voices of Angels is young adult fiction from Spain-based expat Hannah Davis. It's a magical wee book, about a girl called Lizzie who can see people 'marked' with their own imminent deaths. Her parents send her to stay with her grandmother in Andalucia where she discovers that the veil dividing this world and another, more infinite existence, is so thin that she can walk through into infinity.

Songs from the Other Side of the Wall is an amazing piece of literary fiction, a book whose author is able to paint with language, creating masterpieces of precise word-pictures, colours and wordscapes that have you reading for the sheer joy of consuming Dan Holloway's writing. It's the story of a girl whose lover is killed and who reconnects with her estranged parents, finding love and redemption as she rebuilds her life.

Carry Me Away by American journalist and editor Robb Grindstaff is the story of Carry, a 'GenX biracial military brat' who lives her life in the belief that she is going to die at 20. It's a remarkable portrayal of a young woman, brilliantly executed and deftly paced. It's a very 'American' book in its tone, dialogue and language. And it's eye-poppingly good.

Punchline by Paul Fenton will make you laugh. If it doesn't, you're dead.

Diary of a Small Fish is another very American book. Author Peter Morin has built a tense political thriller, with whip-crack dialogue and a nice cynicism that combines with, somewhere, just a little bit of heart. It's a damn good read, a sort of curl up by the fire with a glass of red sort of read.

Last, but not least, I have to mention Tybalt and Theo. Much beloved Dubai (and now Spanish) blogger Keith Williamson gives his own little spin to the financial crisis by building in a splendid time-shift and throwing in porridge-bowls of silliness. It's rushing the authonomy charts and currently sits at 25.

Did I say 'beloved'? Sorry meant malign hunchback misanthrope. Key got stuck or something...

Not

Reading today's Emarat Al Youm, one starts to wonder quite what Al Ittihad was on about yesteday.

I'm sure we'll find out in time!!

Banned

Today's Al Ittihad reports that an Abu Dhabi court has ruled against Arabic newspaper Emarat Al Youm in a libel case dating back to October 2006, when the newspaper published an article alleging that a UAE racing stable was doping horses.

Al Ittihad says that Emarat Al Youm (the Arabic daily from Dubai's Arab Media Group and sister title to Emirates Businesss 24x7) is to be suspended from publication for 20 days with immediate effect.

Emarat Al Youm editor in chief Sami Reyami and AMG CEO Abdullatif Al Sayegh have also been fined Dhs 20,000 each, Al Ittihad reports.

The verdict follows a 'not guilty' verdict returned in January 2007 and was the result of a court appeal. Previous posts on this here and here are not awfully interesting.

UPDATE
According to arabianbusiness.com, AMG has not heard anything about any ban and will publish as normal tomorrow. I'll be waiting for the paperboy!

Soap

It really is a soap opera. As predicted by a number of people, including august bloggers Grumpy Goat and SeaBee, the national identity card saga has now entered a glorious new phase. The deadline is not being extended, according to Gulf News (whose reporter, Binsal Abdul Kader must have had a really hard time taking notes whilst keeping his laughter under control): people will be able to apply for the card after the deadline but this is not, and the Emirates Identity Authority would like to make this quite clear, an extension to the deadline.

You can apply after the deadline, but the deadline is not being extended.

That this incredible piece of double-speak is not met with tides of withering scorn by GN is a testament to the magnificent restraint that so many have frequent cause to admire the paper for.

The ‘reprieve’ will entail ‘certain inconveniences’ for those applying after the deadline, EIDA’s Ahmad Al Zarouni warns Gulf News, darkly hinting at dire consequences for non-compliance.

As we are told by Monty Python in his most magnificent film, The Life of Brian: “Worse? How can it get much worse?”

One can only imagine what he means! Will they stop the website working on the 1st January so that you can’t apply? Stop stocking forms at the post offices so that you can’t pick them up easily? Hide the registration centres so that you can’t find them? Mess up the registration and appointment system so badly that you have to queue for hours just to get the right to take an appointment to process your application? Under-staff the entire system so badly that there are queues of hundreds at 5am every day? Those would be dire consequences indeed, wouldn’t they?

Gulf News’ story also refers to the popularity of the... gasp, wait for this... new application application. The application application is a PC application that lets you fill out an application so that you can apply for an appointment to make an application. The application application doesn't let you make an appointment for an application: you still have to apply for an application appointment even if you have an application filled using the application application.

I do hope that's clear.

How much sense does it make for this process to be entirely online? For instance, we could all type in our own applications (which would be parsed by some relatively simple software), attach a passport photo and send ‘em online. They could then be checked and the cards issued and collected, when they’re ready, by each individual applicant in person to verify the identity of the applicant. That would be perfect, no? No queues etc etc.

But oh no. The application application lets you type in your data and then print out a PDF document that contains that information and some 3D bar codes so that you can queue up for four hours and get an appointment in two months' time for someone to scan the data into another system using a bar code scanner. Because it’s important to introduce a 15 minute physical process rather than do it online and avoid all the queues.

The application, incidentally, contains some quaint things. You’re asked for your English Grand Father Name and your English Famous Name. You’re also asked for your Clan and Tribe. Clan McNabb, laddie! Clan McNabb!

By the way, just to save you the frustration of having to look for it like I did, if you do decide to use the application application, you’ll find the United Kingdom in the drop down menus is situated between Gabon and Georgia. I’m not sure why. It’s probably something to do with the state of our economy.

Why heads aren’t rolling over this is a mystery to me. Really.

Campaign

Campaign Middle East doesn't have a website yet. So I'm going to take to posting my columns up here as and when they happen. That means you'll get a slice of PR advice once every two weeks or so, but I think you'll probably survive.

It’s amazing how fast the climate in which we operate can change: that rich mixture of social, political, financial and moral influences on our opinions. Get it wrong, and you could find yourself in serious trouble.

Regardless of where you think you are communicating, your audience is global. That change in opinion could be taking place, and being influenced, anywhere – and so fast that you’ve got to be fleet of foot to spot what’s relevant, what’s new and what’s being talked about. And then you need to share that information with the right people, fast.

Gauging public opinion is in many ways easier than it ever has been before because of the ‘consumer voice’ out there. Blogs and other social media mean that people find expression more easily than ever before – in fact, a recent Universal McCann survey of some 17,000 global consumers found respondents more ready than ever before to comment on and recommend companies and their products: over 44% of respondents had used messenger or email applications to share information about consumer experiences, 29% had used blogs, 27% social networks. Almost 80% of respondents read blogs, up from 50% two years ago. Something like 82% of consumers are researching products through search.

An article in New York could be impacting your operations in Dubai on the day it breaks: the reaction, information sharing and comment will be starting within minutes. The opinion of your public is often being influenced a good 48 hours before the, usually less than helpful ‘escalate to us’ email comes from corporate communications. An organisation’s communicators need to be using the same tools as consumers to communicate with each other so they can stay up to speed.

Communications has become a discipline where a truly global context needs to be established and constantly refreshed, where the tide and tone of public opinion needs to guide virtually every decision and where constantly listening to the ebb and flow of consumer voice must become a vital part of the marketing communications mix, because the consumer has become empowered with a global voice and a global audience.

Which is good news, no?

Dubai

“Hello. I want to get a refund on this Shiny.”
“We don’t give refunds.”
“Well, I want one. It’s no good.”
“No good? What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s not shiny anymore. It was just painted with an incredibly thin layer of shiny stuff. It’s all dull underneath and my kids have become ill playing with it.”
“We never told you it was shiny all the way through!”
“You said it was iconic and dared me to dream of a new future.”
“That was our advertising agency. They made us say that.”
“You didn’t mean it?”
“Yes! No. Well, we meant it at the time.”
“At the time you painted this Shiny with a thin layer of cheap paint that you knew would wear off.”
“Well, yes. But we didn’t make you buy it.”
“You promised it would stay Shiny!”
“We didn’t! We just showed you what it would be like if it stayed Shiny!”
“You didn’t tell me it wouldn’t stay shiny and that it would make my family ill. And you didn’t tell me I’d have to pay lots of extra money every year, either.”
“You didn’t ask. Anyway, nobody else is complaining!”
“What about all the people holding broken Shinys in the queue behind me?”
“They’re not complaining. They’re queuing for identity cards.”
“I want a refund.”
“Look. If you promise to shut up about your damn Shiny and causing trouble with the people behind you, we’ll re-spray your Shiny.”
“But it’ll just wear off again!”
“No it won’t. We’ve got a new type of paint. It stays Shiny for ever.”
“Really?”
“Yup.”
“How can I trust you?”
“We’ve got a regulator now. We were a free market laissez faire economy before. Now we’re a regulated market. You can trust us.”
“Oh, OK then. I’ll go for the respray.”
“Cool. Great. When do you want to give us your kidney?”
“My kidney?”
“Sure.”
“But why should I give you my kidney?”
“Well, dah, numbnut! You didn’t think Shiny resprays were free did you?”
“But you just said you’d respray my Shiny if I didn’t make trouble!”
“We changed our mind on account of the global recession.”

Identity

Identity is the crisis can't you see
Identity, Identity
X-Ray Spex
Identity

Pal Dom has been trying to get his identity sorted out this week. Tuesday he went down to get an appointment, the website having failed to work. He queued for two hours only to be told, when he asked a guard what was happening, that he was queuing for nothing - the numbers for the day had been allocated and it was 'over' for the day.

He went back, earlier this time, on Wednesday only to find something like 400 people had had the same idea. The bloke at the front of the queue had been there since 2.30am to get pole position. Again, they ran out of numbers by the time our man got to the front.

Dogged, if nothing else, our man went down this morning at 5.25am. At 08:23am it is announced to the waiting crowd that only 50 tickets were being handed out today.

I tried using their mobile booking service. The website crashed. It doesn't work for the appointments service either - so if you want to book an appointment to get an ID card issued, you have to join the queues with my pal Dom and about 400 other hapless souls. People are even driving to Dhaid to avoid the queues.

I'm not playing the queueing up game, myself - I simply can't be bothered.

This is not working terribly well, is it chaps?

Cheap

Flew Air Arabia again today.

Again, no complaints. Sharjah airport is easy to use, efficient and small enough to be just, well, fine. And AA's service is prompt and just, well, fine.

But I can't tell you about the Spandex 50. Or I'd have to kill you...