As Dubai's "integrated response" to the "challenges of the traffic issue" kicks in, we are seeing increased regulation of our lives on the roads. It's likely that nowhere else in the world are motorists subjected to such regular doses of radar - the fixed cameras are everywhere and the mobile ones are where the fixed ones aren't.
We're being charged to use some roads, thereby 'encouraging' us to use others. Seemingly random roadworks dot the city, adding extra excitement to the congestion. We're not allowed to share our cars unless we have registered to do so. Dubai trarn-sport has replaced the private sector cabbie solution with a modern integrated trarn-sport solution and now we can't get cabs when we need them - increasingly a problem at certain times, even if they're pre-booked through the call centre. Those cabs are increasingly expensive: including a Dhs20 surcharge to go to Sharjah.
They're also replacing Dubai's traditional (and much loved) abra water taxis with a fleet of modern, air-conditioned customer-centric boats that nobody seems to want.
I reckon working for the RTA must be tough. The poor guys must rank below investment advisors on the unpopular job chart. You can just see the kitchen at the party.
"I'm an interior design consultant. What do you do?"
"Oh, you know, import/export kind of stuff!"
"Alan? Why did you say that? You work for the RTA, darling!"
"Shhh!"
They do have my sympathy. Altogether now? Aaahhh.
Which is probably why I am amused by RTA cars negotiating the sandy snicket that lies between Sharjah and Dubai of a morning. Given that their job is to deal with the problem, it seems unfair that they're not eating their own dog-food.
But insult was added to injury the other day when an RTA car sped past me pulling upward of 120kph on the infamously mobile-radar infested Academic City Road. Really. An insane 80kph speed limit applies on this stretch of tw0-lane each way desert blacktop and the boys in green are such a very regular occurence than nobody dares break the limit there anymore. We just go quietly insane, crawling through the empty desert at a snail's pace. Unless we work for the RTA, in which case we're obviously immune.
And then this morning I found myself on another 80kph road, this time in Sharjah, as another joker in an RTA vehicle slammed past me pulling at least 120 klicks.
And, dear reader, for one awful, vengeful moment, I have to confess my heart was not filled with love towards our 'traffic expert' colleagues. I am, I know, a bad person.
Sunday, 30 November 2008
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Poo
Of the many things that Grumpy Goat has written that have amused, entertained and even informed me, one of my favourites was this post, which I thought neatly summed up the whole Dubai waste treatment dilemma. It links, in turns, to Seabee's posts on the very same topic. And if you're really into deep background, there's this.
Today, Gulf News tells us (with an exquisite lack of irony) that the 'short to medium term solution' to the problem is to be a big hole in the desert, which shall in time be filled with what fan makers like delicately to call 'the brown stuff'. The gigantic 'La Pooa Pit' will take up to 500 tanker-loads a day and will be 'aerated naturally' which is, I think, waste management speak for 'smelly'.
Watch out for it out there in the sands when you're picknicking, chaps! You really don't want to yarp down the sharp leeward face of a dune and realise that your inexorable progress will land you in the 'soup'...
Today, Gulf News tells us (with an exquisite lack of irony) that the 'short to medium term solution' to the problem is to be a big hole in the desert, which shall in time be filled with what fan makers like delicately to call 'the brown stuff'. The gigantic 'La Pooa Pit' will take up to 500 tanker-loads a day and will be 'aerated naturally' which is, I think, waste management speak for 'smelly'.
Watch out for it out there in the sands when you're picknicking, chaps! You really don't want to yarp down the sharp leeward face of a dune and realise that your inexorable progress will land you in the 'soup'...
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Critical
Well, this is a turn up for the books - I've been criticised!!!
Was just on the way out of the door last night to have a few jars with a pal when up popped an email from Harper Collins' authonomy, the would-be author's peer-review Web 2.0 gadget thingy, saying that my 'crit' from an HC editor was ready.
For those who were interested, kind, supportive, curious and generally wonderful about the whole authonomy thing, my heartfelt thanks to you all.
For those who would like to see what HC said, it's here. They didn't take any of the books that came top 5 this month as, indeed, they haven't taken any book that's topped out on authonomy so far. Having said that, the journey has taught me much and I'm deeply glad I did it.
Normal service will now be resumed.
Was just on the way out of the door last night to have a few jars with a pal when up popped an email from Harper Collins' authonomy, the would-be author's peer-review Web 2.0 gadget thingy, saying that my 'crit' from an HC editor was ready.
For those who were interested, kind, supportive, curious and generally wonderful about the whole authonomy thing, my heartfelt thanks to you all.
For those who would like to see what HC said, it's here. They didn't take any of the books that came top 5 this month as, indeed, they haven't taken any book that's topped out on authonomy so far. Having said that, the journey has taught me much and I'm deeply glad I did it.
Normal service will now be resumed.
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Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Catch 22
Gulf News today has a one page feature titled ‘All you need to know about your ID card’ which doesn’t quite tell me all I need to know, because what I, personally, really, really need to know is why the website has been such a spectacular failure and why it hasn’t been fixed so that we’re all not involved in daily pointless three hour queues. Or why the application application doesn’t actually let me make an application or help me apply for an application. I’ll stop there. We got confused enough last time.
But, ignore my cavilling. Gulf News put its readers FAQ to two officials from EIDA, the Emirates Identity Authority, about the new ID.
One question was ‘It has become impossible to find registration forms or register on the website. Will I be penalised?’ The response? ‘It is your responsibility to register.’
Good. Well that's clear, then.
I also liked the response that said, of the Jan 1, 2009 'deadline' that ‘EIDA obeys government regulations and will demand the ID card from its employees and customers to provide services.’
Great. I can see it now...
Jan 2, 2009
‘Hello, I’d like to apply for an ID card.’
‘You have ID card?’
‘No, I’d like to apply for one.’
‘No service without ID card.’
‘But I don’t have one!’
‘Then no service is possible.’
‘How can I get one if you won’t give me one unless I have one?’
‘This your responsibility.’
But my favourite, out of a wonderful and richly informative piece (thanks, GN!) was this one:
What happens to the ID card if one dies after obtaining it?
‘The card gets automatically deactivated once we receive an automatic update from the government entity that authorises and authenticates this event.’
Authorises? I have to get permission to croak now?
I bet they'll need the ID card before duly issuing said permission.
Sheer magic!
But, ignore my cavilling. Gulf News put its readers FAQ to two officials from EIDA, the Emirates Identity Authority, about the new ID.
One question was ‘It has become impossible to find registration forms or register on the website. Will I be penalised?’ The response? ‘It is your responsibility to register.’
Good. Well that's clear, then.
I also liked the response that said, of the Jan 1, 2009 'deadline' that ‘EIDA obeys government regulations and will demand the ID card from its employees and customers to provide services.’
Great. I can see it now...
Jan 2, 2009
‘Hello, I’d like to apply for an ID card.’
‘You have ID card?’
‘No, I’d like to apply for one.’
‘No service without ID card.’
‘But I don’t have one!’
‘Then no service is possible.’
‘How can I get one if you won’t give me one unless I have one?’
‘This your responsibility.’
But my favourite, out of a wonderful and richly informative piece (thanks, GN!) was this one:
What happens to the ID card if one dies after obtaining it?
‘The card gets automatically deactivated once we receive an automatic update from the government entity that authorises and authenticates this event.’
Authorises? I have to get permission to croak now?
I bet they'll need the ID card before duly issuing said permission.
Sheer magic!
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Monday, 24 November 2008
Sky
The Sky News team is in Dubai for the week, which was why Sarah and I sat open-mouthed watching the box last night as anchor man and long-time respected broadcaster Jeremy Thompson extolled the virtues of this global downturn-beating economic miracle, this city of iconic developments, this miraculous, visionary place with the 'go for it' attitude.
The tallest tower, the biggest mall, the most expensive firework display and, of course, the Palms all came in for a mention. It was odd to see them talking about de old place like dat!
Welcome, Jeremy and team. We look forward to a week of insights and revelatory reporting that gets beneath the microns of goldy paint to give us all a better understanding of what makes the Shiny tick.
(A shiny tick to me, a buffed parasite to you)
The tallest tower, the biggest mall, the most expensive firework display and, of course, the Palms all came in for a mention. It was odd to see them talking about de old place like dat!
Welcome, Jeremy and team. We look forward to a week of insights and revelatory reporting that gets beneath the microns of goldy paint to give us all a better understanding of what makes the Shiny tick.
(A shiny tick to me, a buffed parasite to you)
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Sunday, 23 November 2008
Rubbish
Saturday morning, driving down the Academic City Road and watching the wee men in the orange boiler-suits wandering through the sand dunes picking up the rubbish from Friday nights revels. And there sure is a lot of it.
Between Khawaneej and the Awir Road, by the sprawling monstrosity that is Dubai's landfill, the desert around the Academic City Road is criss-crossed with tyre-marks. The boys like to come out here to play, especially in the Winter months, on their quad bikes or in their 4WDs. And they stay out late, lighting camp fires and hanging out - some even pitch semi-permanent tents. Friday night is, of course, the biggest night of the week and the ghaf trees and dunes shake to the constant drone of engines.
Judging from the state of the desert on Saturday morning, there's a whole load of eating and drinking going on, too. We saw six men wandering the dunes, filling up black bin bags and then dumping them at the side of the road. Every few yards along the black-top there was another cluster of bags.
Every weekend, they come up here to clean up after Friday night. And every Friday, the lads gather to tear it up on the sand and drop their papers, cans and containers behind them for the boys in the gitmo suits to clear up.
It's rubbish, isn't it?
Between Khawaneej and the Awir Road, by the sprawling monstrosity that is Dubai's landfill, the desert around the Academic City Road is criss-crossed with tyre-marks. The boys like to come out here to play, especially in the Winter months, on their quad bikes or in their 4WDs. And they stay out late, lighting camp fires and hanging out - some even pitch semi-permanent tents. Friday night is, of course, the biggest night of the week and the ghaf trees and dunes shake to the constant drone of engines.
Judging from the state of the desert on Saturday morning, there's a whole load of eating and drinking going on, too. We saw six men wandering the dunes, filling up black bin bags and then dumping them at the side of the road. Every few yards along the black-top there was another cluster of bags.
Every weekend, they come up here to clean up after Friday night. And every Friday, the lads gather to tear it up on the sand and drop their papers, cans and containers behind them for the boys in the gitmo suits to clear up.
It's rubbish, isn't it?
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Thursday, 20 November 2008
authonoblog
OK.
I said I'd done posting about authonomy, the Harper Collins social networking slushpile writer's group peer-review website thingy. And I lied.
In about 10 days I'll get my very own crit from an HC editor, which will be nice. Not really expecting 'We love you, here's a contract' so much as 'Nice, tidy it up'. We'll see.
Meanwhile, this is the last 10 days of the current month at authonomy, and a number of smart, talented people are now hoping for their own 'top out' moment on the editor's desk. I'd like to recommend you pop over and take a read of these books then add them to your bookshelf so that they get the backing.
There's a lot of debate about this, but one of the things I find so neat about authonomy is the possibility of a new egalitarianism in literature: we're getting to choose the kinds of book we'd like to read from a sample of raw work. There are over 3500 books on authonomy and getting to the top of the pile is some achievement.
Some of you guys were kind enough to help me do it: take a look at these little marvels and see if you agree with me that they should be in bookshops!!!
The Voices of Angels is young adult fiction from Spain-based expat Hannah Davis. It's a magical wee book, about a girl called Lizzie who can see people 'marked' with their own imminent deaths. Her parents send her to stay with her grandmother in Andalucia where she discovers that the veil dividing this world and another, more infinite existence, is so thin that she can walk through into infinity.
Songs from the Other Side of the Wall is an amazing piece of literary fiction, a book whose author is able to paint with language, creating masterpieces of precise word-pictures, colours and wordscapes that have you reading for the sheer joy of consuming Dan Holloway's writing. It's the story of a girl whose lover is killed and who reconnects with her estranged parents, finding love and redemption as she rebuilds her life.
Carry Me Away by American journalist and editor Robb Grindstaff is the story of Carry, a 'GenX biracial military brat' who lives her life in the belief that she is going to die at 20. It's a remarkable portrayal of a young woman, brilliantly executed and deftly paced. It's a very 'American' book in its tone, dialogue and language. And it's eye-poppingly good.
Punchline by Paul Fenton will make you laugh. If it doesn't, you're dead.
Diary of a Small Fish is another very American book. Author Peter Morin has built a tense political thriller, with whip-crack dialogue and a nice cynicism that combines with, somewhere, just a little bit of heart. It's a damn good read, a sort of curl up by the fire with a glass of red sort of read.
Last, but not least, I have to mention Tybalt and Theo. Much beloved Dubai (and now Spanish) blogger Keith Williamson gives his own little spin to the financial crisis by building in a splendid time-shift and throwing in porridge-bowls of silliness. It's rushing the authonomy charts and currently sits at 25.
Did I say 'beloved'? Sorry meant malign hunchback misanthrope. Key got stuck or something...
I said I'd done posting about authonomy, the Harper Collins social networking slushpile writer's group peer-review website thingy. And I lied.
In about 10 days I'll get my very own crit from an HC editor, which will be nice. Not really expecting 'We love you, here's a contract' so much as 'Nice, tidy it up'. We'll see.
Meanwhile, this is the last 10 days of the current month at authonomy, and a number of smart, talented people are now hoping for their own 'top out' moment on the editor's desk. I'd like to recommend you pop over and take a read of these books then add them to your bookshelf so that they get the backing.
There's a lot of debate about this, but one of the things I find so neat about authonomy is the possibility of a new egalitarianism in literature: we're getting to choose the kinds of book we'd like to read from a sample of raw work. There are over 3500 books on authonomy and getting to the top of the pile is some achievement.
Some of you guys were kind enough to help me do it: take a look at these little marvels and see if you agree with me that they should be in bookshops!!!
The Voices of Angels is young adult fiction from Spain-based expat Hannah Davis. It's a magical wee book, about a girl called Lizzie who can see people 'marked' with their own imminent deaths. Her parents send her to stay with her grandmother in Andalucia where she discovers that the veil dividing this world and another, more infinite existence, is so thin that she can walk through into infinity.
Songs from the Other Side of the Wall is an amazing piece of literary fiction, a book whose author is able to paint with language, creating masterpieces of precise word-pictures, colours and wordscapes that have you reading for the sheer joy of consuming Dan Holloway's writing. It's the story of a girl whose lover is killed and who reconnects with her estranged parents, finding love and redemption as she rebuilds her life.
Carry Me Away by American journalist and editor Robb Grindstaff is the story of Carry, a 'GenX biracial military brat' who lives her life in the belief that she is going to die at 20. It's a remarkable portrayal of a young woman, brilliantly executed and deftly paced. It's a very 'American' book in its tone, dialogue and language. And it's eye-poppingly good.
Punchline by Paul Fenton will make you laugh. If it doesn't, you're dead.
Diary of a Small Fish is another very American book. Author Peter Morin has built a tense political thriller, with whip-crack dialogue and a nice cynicism that combines with, somewhere, just a little bit of heart. It's a damn good read, a sort of curl up by the fire with a glass of red sort of read.
Last, but not least, I have to mention Tybalt and Theo. Much beloved Dubai (and now Spanish) blogger Keith Williamson gives his own little spin to the financial crisis by building in a splendid time-shift and throwing in porridge-bowls of silliness. It's rushing the authonomy charts and currently sits at 25.
Did I say 'beloved'? Sorry meant malign hunchback misanthrope. Key got stuck or something...
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Not
Reading today's Emarat Al Youm, one starts to wonder quite what Al Ittihad was on about yesteday.
I'm sure we'll find out in time!!
I'm sure we'll find out in time!!
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Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Banned
Today's Al Ittihad reports that an Abu Dhabi court has ruled against Arabic newspaper Emarat Al Youm in a libel case dating back to October 2006, when the newspaper published an article alleging that a UAE racing stable was doping horses.
Al Ittihad says that Emarat Al Youm (the Arabic daily from Dubai's Arab Media Group and sister title to Emirates Businesss 24x7) is to be suspended from publication for 20 days with immediate effect.
Emarat Al Youm editor in chief Sami Reyami and AMG CEO Abdullatif Al Sayegh have also been fined Dhs 20,000 each, Al Ittihad reports.
The verdict follows a 'not guilty' verdict returned in January 2007 and was the result of a court appeal. Previous posts on this here and here are not awfully interesting.
UPDATE
According to arabianbusiness.com, AMG has not heard anything about any ban and will publish as normal tomorrow. I'll be waiting for the paperboy!
Al Ittihad says that Emarat Al Youm (the Arabic daily from Dubai's Arab Media Group and sister title to Emirates Businesss 24x7) is to be suspended from publication for 20 days with immediate effect.
Emarat Al Youm editor in chief Sami Reyami and AMG CEO Abdullatif Al Sayegh have also been fined Dhs 20,000 each, Al Ittihad reports.
The verdict follows a 'not guilty' verdict returned in January 2007 and was the result of a court appeal. Previous posts on this here and here are not awfully interesting.
UPDATE
According to arabianbusiness.com, AMG has not heard anything about any ban and will publish as normal tomorrow. I'll be waiting for the paperboy!
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Soap
It really is a soap opera. As predicted by a number of people, including august bloggers Grumpy Goat and SeaBee, the national identity card saga has now entered a glorious new phase. The deadline is not being extended, according to Gulf News (whose reporter, Binsal Abdul Kader must have had a really hard time taking notes whilst keeping his laughter under control): people will be able to apply for the card after the deadline but this is not, and the Emirates Identity Authority would like to make this quite clear, an extension to the deadline.
You can apply after the deadline, but the deadline is not being extended.
That this incredible piece of double-speak is not met with tides of withering scorn by GN is a testament to the magnificent restraint that so many have frequent cause to admire the paper for.
The ‘reprieve’ will entail ‘certain inconveniences’ for those applying after the deadline, EIDA’s Ahmad Al Zarouni warns Gulf News, darkly hinting at dire consequences for non-compliance.
As we are told by Monty Python in his most magnificent film, The Life of Brian: “Worse? How can it get much worse?”
One can only imagine what he means! Will they stop the website working on the 1st January so that you can’t apply? Stop stocking forms at the post offices so that you can’t pick them up easily? Hide the registration centres so that you can’t find them? Mess up the registration and appointment system so badly that you have to queue for hours just to get the right to take an appointment to process your application? Under-staff the entire system so badly that there are queues of hundreds at 5am every day? Those would be dire consequences indeed, wouldn’t they?
Gulf News’ story also refers to the popularity of the... gasp, wait for this... new application application. The application application is a PC application that lets you fill out an application so that you can apply for an appointment to make an application. The application application doesn't let you make an appointment for an application: you still have to apply for an application appointment even if you have an application filled using the application application.
I do hope that's clear.
How much sense does it make for this process to be entirely online? For instance, we could all type in our own applications (which would be parsed by some relatively simple software), attach a passport photo and send ‘em online. They could then be checked and the cards issued and collected, when they’re ready, by each individual applicant in person to verify the identity of the applicant. That would be perfect, no? No queues etc etc.
But oh no. The application application lets you type in your data and then print out a PDF document that contains that information and some 3D bar codes so that you can queue up for four hours and get an appointment in two months' time for someone to scan the data into another system using a bar code scanner. Because it’s important to introduce a 15 minute physical process rather than do it online and avoid all the queues.
The application, incidentally, contains some quaint things. You’re asked for your English Grand Father Name and your English Famous Name. You’re also asked for your Clan and Tribe. Clan McNabb, laddie! Clan McNabb!
By the way, just to save you the frustration of having to look for it like I did, if you do decide to use the application application, you’ll find the United Kingdom in the drop down menus is situated between Gabon and Georgia. I’m not sure why. It’s probably something to do with the state of our economy.
Why heads aren’t rolling over this is a mystery to me. Really.
You can apply after the deadline, but the deadline is not being extended.
That this incredible piece of double-speak is not met with tides of withering scorn by GN is a testament to the magnificent restraint that so many have frequent cause to admire the paper for.
The ‘reprieve’ will entail ‘certain inconveniences’ for those applying after the deadline, EIDA’s Ahmad Al Zarouni warns Gulf News, darkly hinting at dire consequences for non-compliance.
As we are told by Monty Python in his most magnificent film, The Life of Brian: “Worse? How can it get much worse?”
One can only imagine what he means! Will they stop the website working on the 1st January so that you can’t apply? Stop stocking forms at the post offices so that you can’t pick them up easily? Hide the registration centres so that you can’t find them? Mess up the registration and appointment system so badly that you have to queue for hours just to get the right to take an appointment to process your application? Under-staff the entire system so badly that there are queues of hundreds at 5am every day? Those would be dire consequences indeed, wouldn’t they?
Gulf News’ story also refers to the popularity of the... gasp, wait for this... new application application. The application application is a PC application that lets you fill out an application so that you can apply for an appointment to make an application. The application application doesn't let you make an appointment for an application: you still have to apply for an application appointment even if you have an application filled using the application application.
I do hope that's clear.
How much sense does it make for this process to be entirely online? For instance, we could all type in our own applications (which would be parsed by some relatively simple software), attach a passport photo and send ‘em online. They could then be checked and the cards issued and collected, when they’re ready, by each individual applicant in person to verify the identity of the applicant. That would be perfect, no? No queues etc etc.
But oh no. The application application lets you type in your data and then print out a PDF document that contains that information and some 3D bar codes so that you can queue up for four hours and get an appointment in two months' time for someone to scan the data into another system using a bar code scanner. Because it’s important to introduce a 15 minute physical process rather than do it online and avoid all the queues.
The application, incidentally, contains some quaint things. You’re asked for your English Grand Father Name and your English Famous Name. You’re also asked for your Clan and Tribe. Clan McNabb, laddie! Clan McNabb!
By the way, just to save you the frustration of having to look for it like I did, if you do decide to use the application application, you’ll find the United Kingdom in the drop down menus is situated between Gabon and Georgia. I’m not sure why. It’s probably something to do with the state of our economy.
Why heads aren’t rolling over this is a mystery to me. Really.
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