Phew!

Gulf News back up to a healthy 1.2kg this morning.

So there isn't a recession after all!

Weighty

I have often referred to that most marvellous of newspapers, the leviathan Gulf News, as a 'weighty tome' or a 'multi-kilo wodge'.

It looks like that's changed. Today's GN was so light in the hand that I thought it had been home baked by the legendary Mrs Gleeson of Ballybrista.*

Being a little bit of a picky bear, I thought I'd take a look at a few past copies and see what's been going on around here. And so with the help of a micron-accurate scientific weighing instrument (a Dhs19 scale from Lal's) I was able to track back a handful of copies from the last couple of weeks. And this is what I found:

26/11 1300g
30/11 1200g
1/12 1000g
3/12 800g
11/12 690g

I draw no conclusions here. I merely present the statistics.


*Mrs Gleeson lives around the corner from Sarah's homeplace in Tipperary and cooks cakes and pastries so light that they float away. She does this using a massive iron Aga kitchen range that looks like you'd only really be able to roast whole cows in it, but somehow she conjures up amazing things from the monster.

Effical

I thought I'd share something that has really livened up our Christmas shopping.

It's Oxfam Unwrapped.

You buy a gift that benefits a community in need of help somewhere in the world, from assisting olive farmers through to buying a duck for a Balinese rice farmer, training a teacher, improving a community's water supply or a number of other things that will make a difference to someone who needs help more than we do.

And then Oxfam sends your friend/family member a card (or e-card) explaining that you've given them something perhaps a little more special than just the usual gift of something that, if they really wanted, they'd buy themselves.

I know you'll all think I'm being soft in the head, but I rather thought that it was all more in keeping with the spirit of the thing.

Jolly

A rather jolly little Facebook group has started to protest Emirates' smashing new policy of revoking business class lounge access for Skywards Silver and gold members travelling from its new, dedicated Terminal 3.

Why? Because the sparkly new lounges they bashed on so much about when they were launching the new terminal are 'too busy' apparently! So now all those nice, loyal Skywards frequent flyers are sent down to the old lounge in Terminal 1!!!

How potty is that? Thanks, Emirates! Join the Facebook group here.

Revisited

Arabian Business reports on the jolly news that Satwa hasn't quite had its chips. So does the Caro-Van. The Jumeirah Garden City (sounds SO much nicer than nasty 'Satwa', doesn't it?) development is to be 'revisited'. Nice choice of word. Not cancelled, downsized or rethought. Nope. Revisited. Whatever - it's potentially a reprieve from the ravages of the Death of Satwa.

It is an ill wind that blows no good, isn't it?

Clarifying the move today, a spokesperson for Death of Satwa developer Meraas told Arabian Business: "In a worldwide economic downturn, any corporate must analyze the market and ensure its business strategy is aligned to make the most of new opportunities, as well as ensure risk management strategies take account of the new financial landscape with a focus on new market and investor demands."

Quite.

Writers

In the first of a series, "Writers Discuss the Future of Publishing", London-based journalist and writer Lauri Shaw talks to a stellar cast of writers and publishing industry figures about the future of publishing.

You're getting where this is leading, aren't you?

Yup. Yours truly joins a panel of people with a great deal more experience, savvy and general wit about them in an interesting article that starts an exploration into the future of creative writing, novels and fiction in general.

I do sneak into some very odd engagements, sometimes. Don't ask me how...

Jokers

As Dubai's "integrated response" to the "challenges of the traffic issue" kicks in, we are seeing increased regulation of our lives on the roads. It's likely that nowhere else in the world are motorists subjected to such regular doses of radar - the fixed cameras are everywhere and the mobile ones are where the fixed ones aren't.

We're being charged to use some roads, thereby 'encouraging' us to use others. Seemingly random roadworks dot the city, adding extra excitement to the congestion. We're not allowed to share our cars unless we have registered to do so. Dubai trarn-sport has replaced the private sector cabbie solution with a modern integrated trarn-sport solution and now we can't get cabs when we need them - increasingly a problem at certain times, even if they're pre-booked through the call centre. Those cabs are increasingly expensive: including a Dhs20 surcharge to go to Sharjah.

They're also replacing Dubai's traditional (and much loved) abra water taxis with a fleet of modern, air-conditioned customer-centric boats that nobody seems to want.

I reckon working for the RTA must be tough. The poor guys must rank below investment advisors on the unpopular job chart. You can just see the kitchen at the party.

"I'm an interior design consultant. What do you do?"
"Oh, you know, import/export kind of stuff!"
"Alan? Why did you say that? You work for the RTA, darling!"
"Shhh!"

They do have my sympathy. Altogether now? Aaahhh.

Which is probably why I am amused by RTA cars negotiating the sandy snicket that lies between Sharjah and Dubai of a morning. Given that their job is to deal with the problem, it seems unfair that they're not eating their own dog-food.

But insult was added to injury the other day when an RTA car sped past me pulling upward of 120kph on the infamously mobile-radar infested Academic City Road. Really. An insane 80kph speed limit applies on this stretch of tw0-lane each way desert blacktop and the boys in green are such a very regular occurence than nobody dares break the limit there anymore. We just go quietly insane, crawling through the empty desert at a snail's pace. Unless we work for the RTA, in which case we're obviously immune.

And then this morning I found myself on another 80kph road, this time in Sharjah, as another joker in an RTA vehicle slammed past me pulling at least 120 klicks.

And, dear reader, for one awful, vengeful moment, I have to confess my heart was not filled with love towards our 'traffic expert' colleagues. I am, I know, a bad person.

Poo

Of the many things that Grumpy Goat has written that have amused, entertained and even informed me, one of my favourites was this post, which I thought neatly summed up the whole Dubai waste treatment dilemma. It links, in turns, to Seabee's posts on the very same topic. And if you're really into deep background, there's this.

Today, Gulf News tells us (with an exquisite lack of irony) that the 'short to medium term solution' to the problem is to be a big hole in the desert, which shall in time be filled with what fan makers like delicately to call 'the brown stuff'. The gigantic 'La Pooa Pit' will take up to 500 tanker-loads a day and will be 'aerated naturally' which is, I think, waste management speak for 'smelly'.

Watch out for it out there in the sands when you're picknicking, chaps! You really don't want to yarp down the sharp leeward face of a dune and realise that your inexorable progress will land you in the 'soup'...

Critical

Well, this is a turn up for the books - I've been criticised!!!

Was just on the way out of the door last night to have a few jars with a pal when up popped an email from Harper Collins' authonomy, the would-be author's peer-review Web 2.0 gadget thingy, saying that my 'crit' from an HC editor was ready.

For those who were interested, kind, supportive, curious and generally wonderful about the whole authonomy thing, my heartfelt thanks to you all.

For those who would like to see what HC said, it's here. They didn't take any of the books that came top 5 this month as, indeed, they haven't taken any book that's topped out on authonomy so far. Having said that, the journey has taught me much and I'm deeply glad I did it.

Normal service will now be resumed.

Catch 22

Gulf News today has a one page feature titled ‘All you need to know about your ID card’ which doesn’t quite tell me all I need to know, because what I, personally, really, really need to know is why the website has been such a spectacular failure and why it hasn’t been fixed so that we’re all not involved in daily pointless three hour queues. Or why the application application doesn’t actually let me make an application or help me apply for an application. I’ll stop there. We got confused enough last time.

But, ignore my cavilling. Gulf News put its readers FAQ to two officials from EIDA, the Emirates Identity Authority, about the new ID.

One question was ‘It has become impossible to find registration forms or register on the website. Will I be penalised?’ The response? ‘It is your responsibility to register.’

Good. Well that's clear, then.

I also liked the response that said, of the Jan 1, 2009 'deadline' that ‘EIDA obeys government regulations and will demand the ID card from its employees and customers to provide services.’

Great. I can see it now...

Jan 2, 2009
‘Hello, I’d like to apply for an ID card.’
‘You have ID card?’
‘No, I’d like to apply for one.’
‘No service without ID card.’
‘But I don’t have one!’
‘Then no service is possible.’
‘How can I get one if you won’t give me one unless I have one?’
‘This your responsibility.’

But my favourite, out of a wonderful and richly informative piece (thanks, GN!) was this one:

What happens to the ID card if one dies after obtaining it?
‘The card gets automatically deactivated once we receive an automatic update from the government entity that authorises and authenticates this event.’

Authorises? I have to get permission to croak now?

I bet they'll need the ID card before duly issuing said permission.

Sheer magic!