Monday, 5 May 2008


I am a man of my word. I said I'd post more extracts from 1111 Letters For Every Occasion, that indispensable and encyclopaedic guide to every letter you will ever have to write. For anyone that missed earlier examples of the genius of this book, or the explanation of quite why New Light Publishers of Delhi came to be the proud promulgators of this peerless epistolic peregrination, the original post is here and more examples are here, here and here.

Today, we celebrate the boss's birthday. And then, just as a bonus, we seek a recommendation for a suitable groom. Both are of the usual high standard. Please do not forget, as you read them, that these have been earnestly suggested as templates for serious correspondence. For therein lies their charm...

Greetings to Boss

Dear Sir/Madam

Dear Honourable...

May I have the honour to send you my heartiest greetings on the celebration of your birthday this month? I know that you are far above these mundane matters and flowery tributes mean nothing to you but your birthday is a great and golden occasion for your friends and admirers who owe so much to you for your earnestness and sincerity in your crusade to promote public causes.

You have invested the better part of your life in selfless causes which the future generations cannot forget and the historians will write with genuine appreciation about the objectives you have realised against the heaviest odds in the most crucial days of history and a leader should be judged not merely by what he achieves but the circumstances in which he accomplishes the dim objectives beyond the blue horizon because he might well be sowing the seeds of better karma for a bumper harvest to be finally reaped by others who are not yet even born.

Congrulating you once again on your birthday,

Yours faithfully...

Confidential Report

What do you think of Mr. J.S. Stuart, the proprietor of Stuart Agriculture Company?

I am planning to marry my daughter with him.

Positive Reply

Mr. Stuart is an excellent young man belonging to a very respectable family of Hongkong.

I strongly recommend him for marriage.

Negative Reply

Mr. Stuart is a sharp-fingered man who has failed in business because of false pretence.

It is better to keep your daughter away from him.

1 comment:

Keefieboy said...

Interesting that the grovelly boss's birthday letter is bout five times longer than any of the others!

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