Joke

Image via WikipediaWhen was the last time you were told a joke? Ages ago, right? You get texted jokes or emailed jokes, but we seem to have given up actually telling them.

And even when someone tells you a joke, it usually comes in the form, "Someone mailed me this great joke the other day. There's a bishop, an actress and two watermelons, right?"

The other thing is people forward really, really bad jokes with an invariable, "I never usually forward these things, but..."

Which is precisely what I'm doing now. I'm forwarding a joke I got by email (from pal Derek as it 'appens). but it did make me laugh:

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair', walks into a busy Dublin pub. "I'll have a pint o' Guinness," he tells the barman.
"Sure," says the barman. "That'll be a Euro."
O'Leary can't believe it. "Christ almighty, but that'll explain how busy this place is! A Euro for a pint!"
He hands over the Euro with glee. The barman waits.
"What?" says O'Leary.
"Will ye be wantin' a glass wit dat?"

Darwin

For those of you unlucky enough not to be on the mailing list, the 2008 Darwin Awards are now out. I shall treat you to one of the runners up before letting you follow the link to the winner.

The Darwin Awards are given annually to someone whose death was so utterly pointless that it considered thoughtful of them to have removed themselves from the human gene pool. Sure, it's cruel humour. But then we kill animals for sport, don't we?

2008 Darwin Award Runner Up: A ONE TRACK MIND Confirmed.

July 2008, Italy | Gerhard, 68, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche Cayenne sportscar. Before one reaches the light, there is a railroad crossing, and Gerhard had not let the queue progress forward far enough before he drove onto the tracks. As you might imagine, given Murphy's Law, a train was coming.

The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped on the rails. According to witnesses, it took the driver awhile to realize he was stuck. Finally he jumped from the car and started to run--straight toward the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his sportscar!

The attempt was partly successful. The car received less damage than its owner, who landed 30 meters away. Attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.

The moral of the story? Momentum always wins.

The Darwin Awards website is here while this year's award winner is here.

Email

Got this in the mail. Thought I'd share it. If the originator wants to claim responsibility, please do just email me...


Dear Excellent Friend:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion USD. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gramm, lobbyist for UBS, who (God willing) will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a former U.S. congressional leader and the architect of the PALIN / McCain Financial Doctrine, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. As such, you can be assured that this transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully,
Henry Paulson
Minister of Treasury
Department of the Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20220

Complaining

This will be the last extract I offer from the greatest guide to letter writing ever compiled, the compendious 1111 Letters for Al Occasions, the magnificent octopus orchestrated by K. Malik and published by New Light publishers of New Delhi. Because I'm bored now, that's why.

That K. Malik's advice in the matter of petitions is offered in a long and largely unsuccessful correpondence should not detract from the close study of this most fascinating chain. That he believes a causal link between mosquitoes and influenza should not, in this modern day, cause you to question this most learned man's sanity. That question, I think you will agree, was settled between us some time ago...


Public Petitions
Public Petitions are joint applications for a common cause. These should be signed by a large number of citizens to impress upon the authorities the urgency of the matter.

Growth of Mosquitoes
To
Lieutenant-Governor
Delhi

Dear Sir
The population of mosquitoes and flies has assumed unprecedented malevolence this year in West Delhi because the Corporation of Delhi has not sprayed the area with DDT and other pesticides.

There is great danger of malaria, flu and other epidemics breaking out.

We request that immediate steps should be taken to terminate the mosquito and fly nuisance and hazard in West Delhi.

Yours Faithfully
Ram Kumar
Karam Singh
Din Mohammed
Joseph Stephen
And other residents of West Delhi.

Reply to Above
Your application dated ...... has been forwarded to the Chief Secretary, Delhi Administration, for necessary action.

Reminder
To
The Chief Secretary
Delhi Administration
Delhi

Sir
We have the honour to draw your kind attention to our petition forwarded to you by the Lieutenant-Governor regarding the over-population of mosquitoes in West Delhi.

Kindly arrange to terminate the nuisance.
Yours faithfully,

Reply to Above
Your application has been forwarded to the Chief Health Officer, Municipal Corporation of Delhi, for necessary action.

Another Reminder
The Chief Health Officer,
Municipal Corporation of Delhi
Delhi

Sir,
Please state what has happened to our petition to the Lieutenant-Governor, forwarded to you by the Chief Secretary for ending the mosquito menace in West Delhi.

Reply to Above
I am personally visiting your locality on May 10 at 11am with necessary DDT staff to spray the mosquito-breeding pockets.

Reply to Above
You did not turn up on 10th May as promised. We had prepared tea and garlands in your honour, but you did not come.

Since you are too busy to come, please pass on our application to the mosquitoes themselves.

Letter of Apology
Dear Sir

I regret that I was unable to visit your locality on 10th May because I was urgently called to the Corporation meeting regarding your application to the Lieutenant-Governor.

Rest assured, my staff will soon be visiting your area to terminate the mosquito menace.

Yet Another Reminder
The Lieutenant-Governor
Delhi

Sir
We have the honour to draw your kind attention to the our petition dated .....

Mosquito menace continues as usual.

Reply to Above
Dear Sirs
I understand that the Health Staff did visit your area with pesticides to destroy the mosquitoes.

Reply to Reply
Yes, the Health Staff of Delhi Corporation did indeed visit the locality with pesticides.

They simply passed on our petition to the mosquitoes and sold the pesticides to a chemist.

And the mosquitoes lived happily ever after!

Inflation

I know inflation's spiralling, but what's the world coming to when even truck drivers like Ali have to resort to such practices in order to make ends meet?

(I am weak minded and too easily amused, I know)

Sorry

Firstly, an apology to New Light Publishers of New Delhi: I have previously attributed the incorrect number of contents to that most compendious collection of letters for every occasion, 1111 Letters for Every Occasion. I had previously referred to the book as '111 letters' and I am sorry. To err is human, but to do so by a factor of 10 is regrettably all too human.

Many businesses need to advertise themselves and one popular way of doing so is by issuing a circular. It is upon this very subject that I wish to regale you today by presenting some more extracts from that guide to life, 1111 Letters for Every Occasion. This section, be warned, gets pretty strange.

Mechanical Educational Toys
Dear Sirs
We are manufacturers of mechanical educational toys that are the rage of the younger folk all over the world.
Catalogue and trade terms enclosed herewith.
Yours faithfully...

Pure Drinks
We are the manufacturers of pure drinks from fresh fruits in Kulu orchards.
Enclosed herewith is a catalogue and our trade terms.
Yours faithfully...

Dolls for Daddies
Dear Sirs
We produce easily digestible dolls for daddies in colourful wrappers, suitable for presentation to old folk on their birthdays.
Details and trade terms enclosed herewith.
Yours faithfully...

Pocket Computer
We are the manufacturers of pocket computers that solve all your day-to-day problems wherever you are.
You find herewith a catalogue and trade terms.
Yours faithfully...

Speak to Your Beloved Dead
We are the inventors of an eerie telephone that can put you in touch with your dead friends and kinsmen. Enclosed you will find the illustrated catalogue and trade terms.
Yours faithfully...


As always, I must point out that I have not changed a word from the original and that this is not my invention but an extract from an honest to goodness book. Honestly. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. If anybody out there knows that a doll for daddies is something other than the unthinkable, I would dearly like to know...

Next week: diplomatic correspondence...

Birthday

I am a man of my word. I said I'd post more extracts from 1111 Letters For Every Occasion, that indispensable and encyclopaedic guide to every letter you will ever have to write. For anyone that missed earlier examples of the genius of this book, or the explanation of quite why New Light Publishers of Delhi came to be the proud promulgators of this peerless epistolic peregrination, the original post is here and more examples are here, here and here.

Today, we celebrate the boss's birthday. And then, just as a bonus, we seek a recommendation for a suitable groom. Both are of the usual high standard. Please do not forget, as you read them, that these have been earnestly suggested as templates for serious correspondence. For therein lies their charm...

Greetings to Boss

Dear Sir/Madam

Dear Honourable...

May I have the honour to send you my heartiest greetings on the celebration of your birthday this month? I know that you are far above these mundane matters and flowery tributes mean nothing to you but your birthday is a great and golden occasion for your friends and admirers who owe so much to you for your earnestness and sincerity in your crusade to promote public causes.

You have invested the better part of your life in selfless causes which the future generations cannot forget and the historians will write with genuine appreciation about the objectives you have realised against the heaviest odds in the most crucial days of history and a leader should be judged not merely by what he achieves but the circumstances in which he accomplishes the dim objectives beyond the blue horizon because he might well be sowing the seeds of better karma for a bumper harvest to be finally reaped by others who are not yet even born.

Congrulating you once again on your birthday,

Yours faithfully...

Confidential Report

What do you think of Mr. J.S. Stuart, the proprietor of Stuart Agriculture Company?

I am planning to marry my daughter with him.

Positive Reply

Mr. Stuart is an excellent young man belonging to a very respectable family of Hongkong.

I strongly recommend him for marriage.

Negative Reply

Mr. Stuart is a sharp-fingered man who has failed in business because of false pretence.

It is better to keep your daughter away from him.

Marriage

Last week I promised some more extracts from that most compendious guide to every letter you'd ever have to write, 1111 Letters For All Occasions, published by New Light Publishers of New Delhi. I might have forgotten to tell you that I paid Dhs 12 for it, but I'm sure it's cheaper if you fly to Delhi and buy it. If you buy a number of copies, the savings will only increase. The ISBN is 81-85018-57-X and no, Amazon doesn't sell it.

Chapter 28 deals with matters marital and I am sure that if you only put some of this sensible, good advice into your own marriage, harmony will rule your home. Do not under any circumstances contact me as a consequence of this guidance. I shall deny everything.

I don't know about you lot, but I was crying by the end of the introduction...

Anyway. Here goes:

Mighty Marriage Matters
Marriage is not a bed of roses. Many thorny problems crop up between the husband and wife which need to be carefully tackled. If angry, the wife often goes away to her parents and can only be approached through correspondence.

Staying with parents
Dear Subhash
It is now three months that I have been staying with my parents and expecting you to come and take me home.
Is there anything in the matter?
Yours
Lilly

Positive Response
I regret that I could not go over to Calcutta to take you home because of pressing business problems.
I am coming next Sunday and will return home the same evening by air.

Negative Reply
I do not find you happy in my house with my parents. Therefore, I have no option but to let you stay with your parents as long as possible.

Reply to the above
That is no solution of the problem. We have to find a house of our own where we can live peacefully away from people's problems.


Coming of a Baby
You will be pleased to hear that I now carry a baby in my womb.
What provisions should we make for him?

Positive Reply
I am coming to bring you to Delhi and take you to the Jeevan Nursing Home on the Pusa Road for proper advice and care.
We shall reserve accommodation in the maternity ward.

Negative Reply
Since you are now pregnant, I suggest that you should continue to live with your father and mother till the new arrival.

Illness of the New Baby
I regret to inform you that Enu is ill and needs your immediate presence.
Come immediately.

Positive Reply
(Telegram)
ARRIVING ELEVENTH. SHAM KUMAR.

Negative Reply
If the baby is ill, let the doctors take care of her.
I am no doctor.


More next week...

Mushroom

Right, I was going to stick to my guns on this until Chris Saul starting sending people over here to check the 111 letters out. So, purely in Mr. Saul's honour, another excerpt from 111 Letters for all Occasions.

But that's it. No more until next week. No. No. No.

Asking Forgiveness

I am mushroom on which the dew of your grace drops now and then.

Let us harbour no thoughts of revenge, for revenge proves its own executioner.

Ours are the silent griefs which cut the heartstrings. Let us shake hands with time. Let us drown our differences in a cocktail at Ashoka Hotel tomorrow at 6.30pm.

Yours,

More

I don't know why I'm so weak, I really don't. Here, then. But I'm not posting up any more of these until next Sunday. You'll just have to put up with the same old dross until then.

So. More excerpts from That Great Work, 111 Letters For Every Occasion.

Letters of Divorce

Divorces are not yet as common in the East as in the West, but the poisonous wind blowing around the world is infecting Indian youth. And we must do our best to protect our heritage of harmonious marital relations.

To the Mother

I am not feeling happy with Manmohan. He is given to liquour and has illicit sex relations with his brother’s wife.

O God, what should I do?

Positive Reply

Please have patience. Keep courage. Pray. Try to win Manmohan back from the part of evil.

I am sure God will help you.

Negative Reply

Your letter is shocking.

Really I do not know what to do.

Shall we consult a lawyer?

Consulting a lawyer

My husband and his mother are maltreating me and my life is very miserable. I am really living in hell. It is now for more than six months that we are separated.

Will it be possible for me to get divorce?

Positive Reply

I think it is possible for you to seek divorce under the circumstances that you have mentioned.

Please come to my office for further action.

Negative Reply

My gentle lady why must you hurry for a divorce?

Take time to cool down.

Letters

I have a number of prized possessions, for which I am thankful. Some of them are relatively valuable, like my first edition Seven Pillars of Wisdom and The Mint. Some have no value, like a neem leaf from a Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka or a rhododendron leaf from Cloud’s Hill. Some of them have a different value, like my 1845 copy of Household Management, an early cookbook. And some of them are simply beyond value. Into this last category falls my copy of a book called 1111 Letters For All Occasions. It is a work of insane genius. The authors are K. Malik, Anand Sagar and JS Bright. To them, and to New Light Publishers of New Delhi, I am eternally indebted. The book is intended to be a template for every letter you will ever have to write in life. All you have to do is pick up 1111 Letters, flick to the appropriate section (Matrimony, employment, commercial, official and others) and look up the letter you need. Although occasionally tempted to use one, I have always allowed wiser counsel to prevail.

I found 1111 Letters in an old stationery shop in Sharjah. It was lying, unloved and unwanted inbetween some Islamic esoterica and some charts for small children to learn how a tooth is formed. I idly picked it up, was instantly enraptured and bought it on the spot regardless of cost, considerable or otherwise. I simply had to have it.

“This must be regarded as the unique book of its kind. No author has ever attempted to write such a large number of letters, covering every walk and talk of correspondence.” Say the authors modestly in the preface, noting that when the publisher commissioned this great work the authors were hesitant to take on a task of such enormity. But, luckily: “When we proceeded deep into the woods of the correspondence, we found the jungle both fascinating and rewarding.” They finish their introduction with an assurance. “The reader will reap the fruits which the authors sowed and we are sure he will relish it.”

You can sing that one, boys. Never has one relished so much as I. The book’s charm lies partly in its strange and colourful language but mostly in the fact that its authors have simply made up a number of scenarios and written letters to suit these. We are therefore introduced to a whole fictitious universe, the lives of Manmohan, Singh, Prabakher, Lal and others are exposed as they quarrel, seek appropriate daughters, ship goods to each other, fall out and then go to court. Their strange correspondences give a new insight into an odd and wonderful world.

The following is a typical slice of the genius on offer in this most compendious and compelling of works.

Failing to keep appointment

You had promised to meet me in the Stock Exchange but you never turned up.

What is the fun of having any appointment when one does not have the capacity to keep it.

Reply to the above

Dear Mr Lal

You are mistaken. You had promised to meet me in the bank and not the Stock Exchange.

I fear your memory needs some training.

With best wishes

Yours sincerely

Sohan Kumar

Reply to Reply

Nonsense!

You are a dirty liar.

We had an appointment in the Stock Exchange and not in the bank.

Final Reply

Please don’t lose temper.

There could have been some kind of misunderstanding between us.

Let bygones be bygones.

The above is carefully typed and verbatim. It is only a scintilla from what is, to steal a certain Dubai Shopping Mall’s catchphrase, a rare collection of wonderful things. I shall offer more on a weekly basis, I think.