Sunday, 6 July 2008


This will be the last extract I offer from the greatest guide to letter writing ever compiled, the compendious 1111 Letters for Al Occasions, the magnificent octopus orchestrated by K. Malik and published by New Light publishers of New Delhi. Because I'm bored now, that's why.

That K. Malik's advice in the matter of petitions is offered in a long and largely unsuccessful correpondence should not detract from the close study of this most fascinating chain. That he believes a causal link between mosquitoes and influenza should not, in this modern day, cause you to question this most learned man's sanity. That question, I think you will agree, was settled between us some time ago...

Public Petitions
Public Petitions are joint applications for a common cause. These should be signed by a large number of citizens to impress upon the authorities the urgency of the matter.

Growth of Mosquitoes

Dear Sir
The population of mosquitoes and flies has assumed unprecedented malevolence this year in West Delhi because the Corporation of Delhi has not sprayed the area with DDT and other pesticides.

There is great danger of malaria, flu and other epidemics breaking out.

We request that immediate steps should be taken to terminate the mosquito and fly nuisance and hazard in West Delhi.

Yours Faithfully
Ram Kumar
Karam Singh
Din Mohammed
Joseph Stephen
And other residents of West Delhi.

Reply to Above
Your application dated ...... has been forwarded to the Chief Secretary, Delhi Administration, for necessary action.

The Chief Secretary
Delhi Administration

We have the honour to draw your kind attention to our petition forwarded to you by the Lieutenant-Governor regarding the over-population of mosquitoes in West Delhi.

Kindly arrange to terminate the nuisance.
Yours faithfully,

Reply to Above
Your application has been forwarded to the Chief Health Officer, Municipal Corporation of Delhi, for necessary action.

Another Reminder
The Chief Health Officer,
Municipal Corporation of Delhi

Please state what has happened to our petition to the Lieutenant-Governor, forwarded to you by the Chief Secretary for ending the mosquito menace in West Delhi.

Reply to Above
I am personally visiting your locality on May 10 at 11am with necessary DDT staff to spray the mosquito-breeding pockets.

Reply to Above
You did not turn up on 10th May as promised. We had prepared tea and garlands in your honour, but you did not come.

Since you are too busy to come, please pass on our application to the mosquitoes themselves.

Letter of Apology
Dear Sir

I regret that I was unable to visit your locality on 10th May because I was urgently called to the Corporation meeting regarding your application to the Lieutenant-Governor.

Rest assured, my staff will soon be visiting your area to terminate the mosquito menace.

Yet Another Reminder
The Lieutenant-Governor

We have the honour to draw your kind attention to the our petition dated .....

Mosquito menace continues as usual.

Reply to Above
Dear Sirs
I understand that the Health Staff did visit your area with pesticides to destroy the mosquitoes.

Reply to Reply
Yes, the Health Staff of Delhi Corporation did indeed visit the locality with pesticides.

They simply passed on our petition to the mosquitoes and sold the pesticides to a chemist.

And the mosquitoes lived happily ever after!

1 comment:

nELitA. said...

LOL! this is a very good read for a very good laugh. *still laughing and can't seem to stop*

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