Internet Worse Than Smack Shock Horror

Image via Wikipedia

I know, I know. Barely a post in two weeks and now here I am flooding the damn blog. But Gulf News today contains so much joy that I feel I have to share...

A story on Internet addiction graces The Newspaper That Tells It Like It Is today. 'Forget H1N1, it's all about the smartphone virus sweeping across universities these days' squawks GN in an article that reveals many shocking truths about today's young people, including the fact that they are looking up questions in class using their BlackBerries. Good God! What is the world coming to? What we need around here is a good dose of National Service, I'm telling you!

The piece (linked begrudgingly here) contains a neat questionnaire designed to test whether or not you are addicted to technology. It contains telling, brilliant questions specifically crafted to test your levels of addiction to technology such as, "Do you stay online longer than originally intended?".

I propose an alternative test. Read these questions to your children and loved ones and mark down their reactions. Do look for signs of lying, such as shifty eyes, rubbing noses, being foreign and masturbation.

If you answer 'Poonloop' to more than three of these questions, you may need help. Do feel free to consult Dr Kimberly Young, whose questionnaire in Gulf News inspired this infinitely more useful and sensible list of questions.

1) Do you want to grind broken glass into your eyeballs if you are kept away from Twitter for more than 24 hours?

2) Do you use the Internet rather than traditional media for the following purposes:

• To wrap your chips in.
• To pack breakable items when moving house
• To clean glass.

3) Do you believe anything you read on the Internet which is not substantiated by Gulf News?

4) Do you send and receive e-mail regularly? Do you feel inadequate if other people get more 'spam' than you do? Have you ever replied to a Nigerian's business proposal?

5) Do you think that 'spam' is a) An unsolicited email b) A type of processed meat?

6) If you cannot for some reason access the Internet, do you lollop around drooling and screaming out random swearwords at scared passers-by?

7) Have you ever talked to a girl on the Internet? Did it make you feel good or give you a feeling of momentary satisfaction followed by unbearable, suicidal guilt?

8) Have you ever lied to anyone about how old you are over the Internet?

9) Do you think putting 'tw' in front of words is funny?

10) Have you ever destroyed someone's life using the Internet in a cold-hearted crime of premeditated identity theft?