Dubai Radio Ads

This is not a radio ad, but only marginally less annoying.

This is Cynthia Dreamy Whingy Breathy Voice. Come to extravagant opulence, indulge in timeless elegance and experience sumptuous flavours from the mystical past of a bygone age. Be the person you always knew you could be, share the finest things the world can present to you on a golden platter bedecked in shinies. Otiose effulgence, pastoral impedance and acrostic tintinnabulation await your very fulfilment in a symphony of exotic flavours and oubliette laden senescence. While away the evening and taste asparagus as you've never tasted it before at Pinglies, the new signature destination from the Wawawoo Resort and Spa in Satwa, the new face of Jumeirah One.


Dynamic Simon? Hi, it's Drippy Pete. How are you?
Hey! I'm Great Pete! Good to see you! And, yes! I'm Dynamic Simon Alright!
I was wondering, Simon. What makes you so much more dynamic than me?
Well, Pete! Good Question! I'm Dynamic because I Brush with Sploid!
Brush? With Sploid? What's that?
It's the New Minty Fresh Breath Oral Health Solution From Organon Labs! Here!
What's this?
Your Own Tube of Sploid to Try Free of Charge!
Free of charge?
Yes! Free Samples are Available From Branches of Plaster Pharmacy!
Wow! I can't wait to try it!
You'll Love It, Pete. Or my Name's not Dynamic Simon!
this ad is regulated by the ministry of health and a baby racoon called dennis and contains no promise of future investments going up or down all situations portrayed are purely hypothetical and do not reflect reality perceived or promised. terms and conditions apply


WEEOOOSCREEEE! GNAAAAARRRRR! WOPWOPWOPWOP! WYEOW WYEOW! SHNIIIIISSSSTTTTTTOOOOO! WOOOOOARRRRGH! SNEET! SNEET! SNEET! SNEET!
Did you hear that? That's the sound your back makes when you sit at your laptop every day. Did you know your desk could be killing you? Avoid splayed prostate syndrome and the awful bone crushing side effects of bad posture by sitting on Dr Foster's Orthopedic Cushions. Sweat absorbing, hygienic and available in a range of coruscating colours including Windows 10 wait state blue.


Sorry. I forgot to turn the radio off after the news this morning and ran into the ad break. It was almost over before I realised and switched off.

Worth Its Weight In Gold?

English: A 1st generation Apple iPad. This is the 32GB WiFi model and shows the home screen. Please check my Wikimedia User Gallery for all of my public domain works. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Back in the distant past, when Dubai was all sand and mobile phones a novelty (and dinosaurs ruled the earth), we were regularly beaten down with offers to win a bar of gold. It was all Dubai's ad agencies could seem to think of, win gold was a sort of promotional catechism and nothing else seemed to matter.

'We want an ad campaign.'
'Sure. How much gold can people win?'
'We were thinking of five ten tola bars for runners up and a kilo as the first prize?'
'That should do it. We'll get cracking on the creative.'

The 'creative' usually included The Dubai Radio Ad, where Bob would meet Jim at the lights and wonder where Jim was in such a hurry to get to. Jim would reply that the Khara Centre is giving away a bar of gold. It is mandatory at this stage to have Bob and Jim repeat the phrases 'A bar of gold?' and 'Yes, a bar of gold!'. Preferably breathlessly and in the excited tones of someone who has just discovered that snorting cocaine and breathing helium are quite fun when done in unison. Bob would then speed off, with Jim wondering where he is in such a rush to get to. The Khara Centre, of course.

I once knew a successful ad executive who come here from Hong Kong. Over the months I watched his slow decline into chronic alcoholism as every idea, scheme and stunt he came up with was met with, 'Yes, that's all very nice. And the bar of gold?'. I had to stop meeting him in the end, my liver couldn't take the lunches. I lost track of him, but believe he eventually left. It's the only time in my life I've sympathised with someone in advertising.

Now there's a worrying trend emerging. I'm starting to hear those self same radio ads again, but this time there's no bar of gold. It's iPads. Yes, win an iPad! An iPad? Yes! An iPad! What do I have to do?

It's confirmation that the iPad is now widely seen as a Most Desirable Thing, as desirable in fact as a bar of gold. You'd have thought that was all a bit behind the curve, but then look at the increasing number of stupid ways people are finding to try and have some of that Apple 'halo brand' spangle dust stick to their sloppy brands.

I posted a short while ago about the pointless restaurant that doled out iPads instead of menus. Colleague Carriington reports of a restaurant in the Ramada that goes one step further than using an iPad as a like for like dumb replacement for paper - this restaurant lets you select what you want using the iPad and the application has an 'order' button so your order can be placed with the kitchen. Guests are asked not to press this button but hand the tablet back to staff so they can place the order. Brilliant.

The Worst Radio Ads In The World

Image by bunky's pickle via Flickr

I'm not sure what made the marketing team over at the UAE's National Bonds corporation think people wanted to hear the sound of women committing suicide, couples arguing bitterly or men drowning but that's certainly what their new radio ads present to listeners. I may well be totally alone in this, but I find it unbelievably unpleasant and invariably turn the radio off when these ads come on. There are a number of other ads which trigger the same reaction in me. This is becoming increasingly a problem for my radio listening life, as I often forget to turn it back on again - and I generally enjoy listening to Brandy and Malcolm talk business and bicker on the radio during my drive to work.

I have railed against the awfulness of Dubai's radio advertising before. (for instance, take this example of egregious sexism from LG) I'm sure I will again. I am assured that it isn't an issue unique to Dubai, that radio ads all around the world are also completely pants, but I can't help but feel we're in a league of our own. Of course, in my own weekly forays to the studio, I can't switch the damn things off and have to sit, tied down to the squeaky high chair, and listen to them. One day I'm sure the mic will go live as I'm in the middle of one of my not infrequent 'I hate all radio advertising' rants at hapless co-host Desley.

So are we really being subjected to the worst radio advertising in the world today? Mark Makhoul over at Kuwaiti blog 2:48AM thinks he's got the world's worst eample, linked here. It's certainly special.

This one from a company called 'SuperScreen' in the UK is pretty dire, too. The last, triumphant call of 'free parking!' rounds it off nicely. Here's another contender, a radio ad that can only have been produced by a group of people incarcerated in a highly secure institution for the long term mentally challenged. This one (the one at the top of the search) is introduced by advertising commentator Dan O'Day, and features a burger and a sausage being burned to death. What's remarkable (and the reason I included a whole search for Kingsford Charcoal's advertising) is that it is by no means a standout moment of fail for the company's advertising - it's all utterly woeful. Take a look at the third one down and then the seventh if you really want to wallow in other people's total failure to communicate at any meaningful level beyond deep irritation.

This ad from the UK's Flintshire Motors takes it to a new level though. This is nothing less than the product of an incestuously conceived drooling nincompoop with a mental age of six who has been given a massive dose of LSD. I couldn't even finish listening to it. It's contagious - your draw drops and you start to shake your head and wail as the insanity infects you. It is undoubtedly the worst radio spot I could find on the Internet.

What worries me is it wouldn't stand out if you played it on radio here. None of the ads linked above would. They'd just sink slowly into the puddle of odiferous mediocrity with a viscid 'plop' and never be seen again.