Bank

You’ve issued me with a new Visa card. Can I ask why? The old one doesn’t expire for two years.
You asked for it.

I didn’t.
It’s the new black card.

So’s the old one.
It’s because your wife’s card was taken by the ATM.

No it’s not. Her card’s been replaced, you agreed not to replace mine. And that was months ago.
Pause. It’s a process.

It’s a what?
A process. By the system. It’s the system.

The system?
Yes. That’s it. The System.

Is this because of the security issues you've been having?
No. No. Not possible. I don't know. Yes, it's not. I have to get someone to call you back. Overload. Overload. My mind is going. Dave? Dave? I don't believe you wanted to do that Daaave....

I followed the complaints procedure and faxed a complaint form to my bank after Dubai’s RTA took Dhs750 from me in error and refused to refund it. Over three months later, the bank hasn’t responded.

Almost a month ago, the same bank failed to make a transfer to the UK in good order. The consequence was a botched transfer and an exchange loss, charged for me for some reason, of some Dhs 1200.

Two weeks ago I was suddenly issued with a new visa card, although my old one hadn’t expired. It has a new security number. Concerned, as they have messed up standing payments on the card before and we have, after all, just been asked to change all our PINs because of a security issue, I called the bank to ask them to confirm why they had issued a new card. The conversation above (only the last line is makety-uppity, BTW), is just one of many that ended with me insisting that someone, anyone who could take responsibility and tell me why I had a new card that I didn’t want or need, call me back.

Silence.

For a month I have been leaving messages on the answering machine of my ‘Status’ account manager. For a month I have been leaving urgent messages with the call centre to have someone, anyone call me back to discuss the above. They won’t give me any other telephone number for the bank.

This Saturday I am going to go to HSBC in Bur Dubai in person. Expect to hear about the consequences in Gulf News and other leading daily newspapers. I'll be 'British expatriate A.M.' in case you want to be sure it's me. I’d appreciate if you could all start some sort of ‘Free McNabb’ campaign as soon as the stories break. Thanks.

*Update. We blew this Saturday, so it'll have to be next. The best laid plans of mice and men...

Wasps in a jam jar

I was speaking at the Cards Middle East event yesterday, telling a small audience of bankers why it's not a smart idea to shake up your customers like wasps in a jam jar every time you talk to them or deal with them. How ironic, then, to get home and find that our Visa card hadn't been debited for the airline tickets that will transport us magically to the UK this summer. Well, at least we couldn't see it on the statement. But then two of our statements are missing and the bank has been failing to send us a fax of them for the past two weeks. So it might be in one of those. Or in the new one that hasn't come yet. Or somewhere.

So I call the call centre and get the usual buffoon. This time he starts the call by asking me security questions. I answer three of them, but by the fourth question it's all become too much for me.

"Hang on, pally. I've just entered my unique and hardly memorable ten digit personal banking number and my six digit personal banking security PIN code number identifier to get through here, so why are you asking me security questions?"
"What is your card limit sir?"
"I've told you my PO Box number, my date of birth and the name of the company that I work for. So why don't you answer my question?"
"What is your card limit sir?"
"I don't know. I don't care. Why are you asking me?"
"What is your card limit sir?"
"Are you seriously telling me you're going to deny me service if I don't answer you?"
"What is your card limit sir?"

I swear it's true.

We eventually get beyond this to the point where I get to ask about the missing transaction. Give him the date and value. Nope, he says. Absolutely not. Not there. No such transaction. Nothing for Emirates, nothing for that amount, nothing for that date.

Puzzled, I call Emirates who are, as usual, great. The woman explains (patiently, given that she's obviously talking to a twit) that you can't issue an e-ticket without the Visa transaction being validated and that yes, I hold two valid tickets to fly. I understand that, it's just that the bank swears the money hasn't come out. She's patient but insistent. Perhaps I might like to talk to my bank again?

Perhaps I might. I call them back. A long conversation. I point out that I hold the tickets so the transaction must have gone through. Besides, Sarah's reconciled the Visa card by now. The money must have been debited, although it's hard to be precise as there are so many missing transactions because of the statements we haven't got.

We're about an hour into the investigation by now and I'm reasonably wound up, teetering on the verge of an act of physical violence. The new drooling idiot in the call centre is still insisting that there is no transaction. I make him go over it time after time and then: "There's nothing there for that amount, Sir. Just two transactions on that day with Emirates each of which is for half the amount you have mentioned."
A pause, then I clearly hear him say, in a quiet voice, "Oh."

There's a long, murderous silence which I eventually broke. I shall spare you the rest, but it went something like this...

I've got a new idea for an advertisement for my bank to use. It's a picture of a customer, a picture of a call centre operator, a picture of a call centre operator and a picture of a customer, all side by side. Across them are the words 'Annoyed, Annoying, Annoying, Annoyed'.

I thought of some others, too, but they all use rude words. I'd be happy to share them if someone from the bank would like to give me a ring.