Goons

I've just taken a 'phone call from a goon called 'Rob' from Dubai claiming to be building a database for British Airways of people who wish to subscribe to "BA's low price offers for Westerners and Europeans".

The colleague who passed the call to me, as most of my colleagues are, was Arab. And so wouldn't qualify.

I think Rob got a bit more than he bargained for when I lost the head with him entirely. That's a racist policy that would, assuming 'Rob' really was calling from BA, have British Airways hung out to dry in the UK media, let alone opened up to action under the Race Relations Act.

Sadly, when I asked to escalate, Rob put me on hold and then dropped the line. Because I'd have loved to have had a few more choice words with Rob's manager, too.

Only in Dubai...

UAE Car Crash Nationality Chart

If you’re tempted to have a car crash, then do keep this handy chart so that you know where you’re likely to stand.

1. Khaleeji
2. Brit
3. Aussie/South African
4. Yank
5. Other Euro
6. French
   
7. Korean
8. Japanese
9. Lebanese/Jordanian
10. Syrian
    
11. Iraqi
12. Egyptian
13. Palestinian
14. Other Arab
15. Sudanese
16. Philipina
17. Philipino
18. Indian
19. Pakistani
20. Chinese
21. Nepalese
22. Bangladeshi
23. Pathan
24. Tibetan
25. Afghan

Notes

Does not take into account relative status ie: British shop assistant vs Chinese Ambassador. This complicates things, obviously.

Does not take into account ethnic origin. So, for instance, South African passport holder of Goan extraction tends to confuse things a little. Nobody’s fooled by a Lebanese name holding a Canadian passport, so it’s probably best not to try.

Does not take into account linguistic ability. If you’re able to speak Arabic, move yourself up a couple of notches.

Does not take recent world events into account. If you’re Pakistani and you’ve just lost to Ireland in the cricket then you’ll probably move up on the sympathy vote.

Does not take personality into account. Move down three notches if you’re an argumentative, arrogant twat. It’s OK, you’ll still be just ahead of the rest of Europe.

Does not take the facts of what happened into account. However, this doesn’t really matter as a) the other person will lie outrageously, b) the copper will in all likelihood refuse to understand the blindingly obvious evidence burnt into the tarmac in front of him and c) nobody really wants the inconvenience of prolonging the whole sorry episode and if you get all dogmatic you’ll just end up down at the cop shop being told you’ll have to lodge a civil suit.

Does not take alcohol into account. You really don’t want to have had a couple of sundowners before this happened. Go to the bottom of the pile instantly and get mentally prepared to dine on biryani.

If your country of origin is not listed above, use the country nearest to yours.