Serendipity

How strange after I posted that leaving HSBC bank in Dubai would be a Day of Joy. The young lady that processed our application for a new bank account at Lloyds was called Joy.

Joy

Note: This post might come across as grumpy. C'est la vie.

I have finally done it. On Saturday I have an appointment to visit Lloyds Bank Dubai Branch to open a local account with them. I’ve had an international account with the branch for over a year now and it’s been great – not a problem. My local bank, on the other hand, has been a different story altogether.

So this move will end 15 years of frustration and anger at a bank whose incompetence and blithering, mind-numbing stupidity at every imaginable level mark it as really quite special. The main thing that's stopped me moving in the past is that I have constantly been told that my lot was no better or worse than anyone else's. Having tried the grass over at Lloyds, I can tell you it's a damn sight greener over there as far as I can see.

I find it hard even singling out instances of my local bank's stupidity to regale you with, which is a shame as I’m sure some of them would be amusing to tell. But there are simply so many of them. My bank can’t be relied upon to take a faxed instruction for an international transfer and execute it. They have sent transfers twice, not at all, lost transfers and charged me Dhs 180 every time for the pleasure. Their call centre is laughable, a joke. You can’t speak to anyone in the branch, you’re routed straight through to the call centre. The call centre don’t have the contacts of the human beings in the branch you might at some stage wish to talk to. The call centre staff are plodding and pedantic. Their music on hold, infuriatingly, is frequently reduced by a technical hitch that has been there for years, to a condition approaching white noise. They always ask if there’s something else they can do for you when they have been unable to help you.

They have frequently blocked my Visa card (invariably just when you actually want it and always because of a security concern over a mundane and obviously routine transaction) without any attempt to contact me prior to instituting the block. They never block it when I do something mad like buy dinner for 15 people in Dubai on the same day as I've hired a car in London.

Their Internet banking service is marred by layers of maddeningly impenetrable ‘memorable questions’ passwords and other daft requirements. Their telephone banking service has a nine figure code that’s different to your bank account number. In fact, in order to use their services, you have to memorise over 30 digits of information.

I find it hard to talk to them now without being assailed by a feeling of deep-rooted loathing. I know that every transaction will, for some reason, turn into a sub-standard and frustrating experience. And yet my expectations, already lower than rock bottom, are never quite low enough to avoid disappointment with every new transaction.

And so, finally, I have been driven over the edge and am moving away. My old bank was the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation – known popularly as HSBC. It was the British Bank of the Middle East when I opened the account. Now I’m going to close it. I should have done it years ago. But damn, it feels good to know I’m finally doing it now!!!

The world’s local bank. LOL!

Minted

As Bill Gates’ visit to the Emirates dominates the newspapers, I’ve dropped my car to Al Habtoor in order that they can gouge me in the traditional, and distressingly regular, gouging spree that is Servicing A Pajero.

Mr. G, our regular cabbie, took me into work and so, as we slowly pushed our way through the choking, aggressive gridlock, he updated me on the dark, subterranean world of the UAE’s taxi drivers. And it’s pretty grim stuff. With all the fuss we’ve seen in the international and even local media about construction labourers and their conditions, it’s strange that nobody’s looked at what the taxi companies are doing. Apparently, drivers are resigning in droves, driven to going back home by a rigidly enforced Dhs 300 per day target and a 16-hour day, 7 day week as well as a system of punitive fines that is surprisingly similar to the labour conditions of industrial revolution Britain. Drivers are fined on a seemingly totally arbitrary basis for not meeting their targets, for any damage to their cars or for pretty much any other reason you can think of.

Their replacements are new labour, recruited fresh from overseas and so not aware of the grim conditions they’ll be working in. And, apparently, a good number are Afghanis carrying (all too easily available, apparently) Pakistani passports.

Mr. G’s particularly upset that 'the company' took Dhs 400 from him recently. When he asked why, it turned out it was the fee for a mandatory training course he had been given. When on leave recently, he’d had a tooth pulled and the operation had gone wrong and complications delayed his return to work. He turned up back in the UAE week late, having faxed to say he would, with a doctor’s report. The subsequent Dhs 1,500 fine was finally reduced to Dhs 500 after much bargaining.

There has been a spate of robberies from cabs in Sharjah, something like 13 car windows smashed in December alone, apparently. No, I didn’t see the headlines, either. But what really got me about this was the fact that Mr. G knows one of the drivers who was burgled and he was robbed not once but twice. For, once the police had come and taken a report then gone, the car company fined the driver Dhs 300.

There was plenty more along these lines as we sat in the traffic. So why stay? I asked him. I’m not, he replied. The second this visa’s up, I’m off.

Fair enough. But if Mr G is to be believed (and he’s an honest cove with no particular reason to slip me a line) there are thousands of these men out there working these mad hours, in a state of dangerous tiredness, for pennies - and being (illegally?) fined at every turn by the companies that employ them.

Unwell

The Emirates Internet has been doing a pretty passable impersonation of the last moments of Hal 9000 for the past couple of days. It's immensely frustrating.

I have a theory. You know how plants will move away from someone that's hurt them? (They will, I saw it on TV) I think it's all tied in with Bill Gates' visit to the UAE. I think the packets have been trying to avoid him.

Headline of the Week

Is it any wonder a bloke gets grumpy? Gulf News today has featured the headline: “etisalat emerges as most recognised mobile telecom operator in UAE”.

I can’t believe it. The monopoly provider of telecommunications to a country for over 30 years ‘emerges’ as a leading brand just over a year after its competitor launched services? Well, I never.

Etisalat’s competitor, the idiotically named Du, has actually achieved 60% brand recognition which isn’t bad, although the Lord alone knows what price tag was attached to that particular achievement. And it’s worth noting that brand recognition alone isn’t much of an achievement – most people I know have a negative or at best neutral reaction to the Du brand. This is not helped by the company’s insistence on making muckle-headed and over-blown announcements about its users or the number of people entering its competitions.

While we’re talking about Du, a minor celebration is in order in Du Towers – for the first time since they launched, last week someone failed the Du Test, asking if my mobile number should be prefixed with 050. Additionally, a highly respected journalist and pal now has a Du mobile. So now I know one person (the other 999,999 are out there somewhere, presumably) who has changed over to the challenger network. I have to record that talking to him is something of an issue as the line cuts constantly, but what to du?

Just to be clear on this: both Etisalat and Du insist on having their names spelt in lower case and I refuse to bow to that demand. It is silly.

Ra Ra Rera!!!

It's a strange, almost guilty feeling to be complimentary about a government agency when we all spend so much time snarling and bitching about the likes of the RTA and the 'responsible authorities' in general. But Rera, Dubai's Real Estate Regulatory Agency, really does seem to be doing a remarkable job of tidying up what was a very messy area indeed.

Dubai has long been in the habit of making a virtue of its 'laissez faire' attitude. In this case, laissez faire usually meant 'we can't be bothered doing anything about it' or 'this threatens some vested interest or another so let's just pretend it's not there'. These days you start to feel that there's a great big spring clean going on out there - and Rera's certainly cleaning up the real estate market.

Today's news is that owners of leases in jointly owned buildings such as flats will be able to set up an owner's association and take joint responsibility for the maintenance of the property and lands. This means that developers can no longer charge the sometimes amazing maintenance fees that they have been leveraging in the past and also gives people the right to pick their own choice of contractors. However, the developer still gets to charge a fee to cover infrastructure maintenance and this may mean the overall cost stays high. That's a wait and see situation. But the right to association is a very important principle indeed to have established.

BTW - another screwed up website (the RTA site is up today): the Rera site's homepage will display a delightful 'Coming soon' splashscreen, so go to this link to actually browse the contents. Judging from the spelling and formatting, it's still very much under construction. Which is rather ironic, isn't it?

Rera has also (to my absolute delight) announced it is to regulate the real estate advertising market to ensure that developers only promote their schemes truthfully. Developers have to submit their advertisements to Rera before they can run. I do believe that government regulation of any form of media is a very bad thing, but I am highly amused at the idea of a room full of harrassed Rera staff trying to find any grain or shred of truth in the tide of insanely hyperbolic real estate advertising that is currently swamping every white space in Dubai. It must be like fighting a path through an enormous cloud of prozac-laced candyfloss using nothing more than a cocktail stick.

Or something like that.

Word of the Week: Sustainable

Take a cross section of a cow's aorta about an inch long, then silver plate it. Now you have an object that looks precisely like the Dubai Award for Sustainable Transport, advertised today to a grateful nation and created for our listening pleasure by the Dubai Roads & Transport Authority or RTA. This follows the marvellous and admirable Blue Communities initiative for sustainable coastal communities from uber-developer Nakheel, launched earlier this week after the usual pointless, sorry I meant to say marvellous, expensive teaser campaign.

What, asks the inquisitive mind as it scans the screen, could the RTA possibly want to award us for? A cynical mind might assert that surely the only award we all want is the ability to travel around the city with at least relative ease.

The award, according to the advertisement with the cow's aorta on it, is to 'encourage organizations and companies to play an active role to implement the most innovative and effective initiatives in the field of sustainable transportation'. How very interesting.

Incidentally, Wikipedia defines sustainable transport, at least in part, as "a reaction to some of the things that have gone radically and visibly wrong with transportation policy." Which struck me as pretty much bang on.

The advertisement points you to the RTA website for further information about the award, categories and evaluation criteria. Sadly, when I went there to take a look at this most fascinating thing this morning, the website had crashed spectacularly.

So I shall have to wait to see how the RTA intends to award me. In the meantime, here are some suggested award categories.

1) Longest wait in morning traffic

2) Longest wait in evening traffic

3) Longest wait full stop

4) Longest run up the hard shoulder to avoid the traffic

5) The Dubai Foot on the Dashboard Award

6) Kerb Crawler of the Year

7) Fastest headlight flasher

8) Arrogant, aggressive, inconsiderate, dangerous git of the year

9) Short cut to work of the year (entry not open to the three RTA cars that use mine every morning: an irony that fills my heart with stuff)

10) The Dubai Darwin Award (for the most pointless self-inflicted death)

I had to stop there, but please don't hesitate to make more suggestions. Maybe, by the time the website is up, we can compare lists...

Yes! The race is on to win that cross-section of arterial matter!

Turning The Air Blue

Here is the link to the Blue Communities website. UAE property developer Nakheel, the company that is building the three Palm Islands and the World and now, today's newspapers reveal, the Universe developments off Dubai's coast, is behind the initiative.

Go here. Please. Watch the videos. Listen to the vision for a smarter, more caring way to work on building sustainable, environmentally wise coastal communities. And then share the link with your friends so that they, too, can marvel at this wonderful effort. Please do feel free to leave a comment here if you were as impressed as I was at the timeliness, sincerity and creativity of this important move from the company that has so carefully rearranged so much coastline.

I have an idea for Nakheel's next project. They must be sitting around wondering what to do after they finish creating the Universe, after all. It's important, I think, to avoid any sense of anticlimax when you're following a move like that.

I think they should look at a new development built on a turtle's back. Probably held up by four elephants. That sounds, somehow, as if it might work...

An Eventful Drive To Work

The sandy snicket has been turned into a scene out of Wacky Races: the rains have meant the sand has compressed and has a delightfully road-like quality - enough for every bus, truck and two-wheel-drive in the country to have a go. Result: you can't get near the place without getting stuck in queues as long as yer arm. So I had to go around the back to avoid 'em all.

And then, as I get into the delicious and generally lavish area of Satwa, the aggressive jerk in the LWB Cruiser who's been gunning his engine, swooping in and out of lanes and generally jinking around behind me in the morning traffic decides he's going to move from behind me, undertaking me at high speed as I pull over, indicating, to the right turn I need to take. And so he hit me.

I got out, a tad stressy, and then he wound down his 90% tinted window.

He's only a copper in uniform, isn't he?

Two hours and a fine later, I'm still fuming. The fine was for refusing to give my license and registration on demand to a policeman. Scrupulously fair throughout the whole incident, the sympathetic (and quite amusing) chaps down the copshop accepted that I am unlikely to give my documents to someone who has just had an accident with me and who could then choose to abuse his position in any number of ways - a position I maintained he was abusing by driving like that in uniform in the first place.

But the rules is the rules, boss, they said.

Which I suppose they are...

Postscript

Driving home tonight, I was caught in evil, snarled-up traffic for two hours. And the snicket was illuminated by hundreds of car headlights - mayhem and chaos that Dante would have recognised as a fitting illustration to his infernal vision. The cops were even there, Sharjah's 'Anjad' traffic police were regulating the flow of traffic back onto the tarmac as hundreds of cars, buses and trucks jostled aggressively - an enormous game of 'chicken' - to get through the partially blocked exits. Cars stuck, cars roaring in every direction, eight lanes of traffic trying to squeeze into a one-car gap, slithering on the churned-up sand.

Quite amazing.

I went round the back again.

:)

Oh no! Weather Post Warning!

Ya gotta blog about the weather sometime...

...and it might as well be when a country is forced to a virtual standstill by it! Yes, the rain has really stopped play in the Emirates as the bad weather continues and everyone looks forward to a second day of absolute chaos. It's been an interesting week so far, what with Dubai shutting down in honour of George W. and his mate Condi (by the way, Gulf News got some great pictures - including this one, image 4 of the 5 on the page, of a berk waving a camel stick around) and then yesterday's traffic chaos as heavy rains caused flooding all over the place, closing the arterial Emirates Road.

Last night the Ministry of Education decided to close all public and private schools until Sunday due to the weather - and we're apparently forecast another day of heavy rain today followed by a couple of days of fog. Way things are going around here, we'll get some showers of grasshoppers and perhaps some frogs as well.

Poor old Sharjah is, of course, worse hit than Dubai: the roads are flooded well above the kerbs in much of the city's Northern area, the inadequate drainage seemingly hardly helped by the multi-million dollar drainage project that followed the last major rains we had a few years ago. Many roads are only barely passable by two wheel drives. As if that weren't bad enough, yesterday's closure of the Emirates road has this morning apparently been exacerbated by Dubai Police deciding to close the Sharjah-Dubai carriageway because (wait for it) the Dubai-Sharjah one is flooded!!!

In short, it's miserable out there and the rain's still coming down as hundreds of thousands of cold, irritable and impatient commuters sploosh through the dirty grey-brown puddles, horns beeping, fan-belts squeaking and hazard lights set to on. Four died yesterday: let's hope everyone makes it in one piece today...