Jams

It's constantly building - jam today and more of jam tomorrow...

There’s an awful lot of talk about the traffic in Dubai, but next door things are quietly getting pretty damn grim.

The closure of the middle and upper stretches of Sharjah’s main road, Al Wahda Street has been accompanied by roadworks on, as far as I can see, pretty much every major road in the city – particularly those leading East. There are major diversions in place on Book Roundabout (Officially Cultural Square, because as eny fule no, roundabouts are square – at least they all are in Sharjah), the road that connects with Dubai’s Beirut street, the Ajman road (and the connecting road past Swiss Cottage/the Al Owais Majlis) and the roads past the vegetable market.

The result has been absolute chaos, particularly in the mornings. Here’s the rub: when you ‘plan’ a city so that all the schools and universities are located outside the main city, to the east, you may want to think about having some roads open that lead - errr – east. But there’s one. A single, sad little road. The route in question, the Dhaid road, has been expanded (it took ages) to become a three-lane highway. But that’s nowhere near enough to cope with the volumes of traffic it’s being asked to handle right now. It’s the major, and only unencumbered, access to the Emirates Road, the 611, the airport and to the Universities, as well as to anywhere in the interior and the East coast.

The only alternative road, the Mileiha Road, leads from the Emirates Road at the infamous National Paints roundabout, so it’s pretty much inaccessible for much of the morning due to the massive volumes of traffic clogging up the entire road network around that area. Including all the saps that bought the Ras Al Khaimah '45 minutes from Dubai’ line. And there are roadworks on that road, too!

If something happens, then, on that one clear road East (which is fast clogging in multi-kilometre snarl-ups up of its own accord as early as 6.15am and getting earlier daily), the consequences are disastrous. We’re looking at people spending two hours and mlre in traffic before leaving Sharjah: schools where classes aren’t starting until an hour after they should because parents aren’t able to get through the snarling, aggressive lines of awful traffic and at multi-kilometre tailbacks that make the Ittihad Road look attractive.

And then, compounding all this, we have the added delight of Sharjah’s drivers. Arguably Less rigorously held to account than drivers are next door, these boys just love the hard shoulder, push their way around using sheer weight and will instantly create six lanes of traffic at any point whenever two lanes are narrowed to one. And because the Dhaid road leads to the University, you can chuck in a couple hundred FJ cruisers driven by hotheads with dangerously high testosterone levels every morning, too.

Nope. You lot in Dubai have got it easy, right now.

Books

I have previously ranted about Authonomy, the HarperCollins alternative to the publisher’s slushpile. I am glad I discovered it for any number of reasons, but one has been the chance to read a hell of a lot of original fiction that you, the consumer, are not and possibly would not otherwise be exposed to. It's Web 2.0 thinking at its best: the site is completely populated by content from its participants. And what content!!

It’s interesting that you have a chance to participate in this new egalitanariasm: if you’re a keen reader, you can sign up for Authonomy yourself and vote the type of books you like to the top of the chart, to the HarperCollins Editors’ Desk. Each month, the top five books are plucked for a read by HC editors. As I have said before, most authors would wax their bits in public for a chance to get that sort of attention.

So you can actually influence the kinds of books that are being sorted and selected. If, like me, you wander around bookshops wondering why there’s so much mediocrity there, Authonomy actually has the potential to act as a barometer of public opinion.

So here’s some of the writing I have encountered in my journeys around Authonomy: writing that has delighted me or otherwise convinced me that there’s more good and interesting work in all this unpublished stuff than there is in my local bookshop.

Incidentally, most people would expect me to use this as an opportunity to plug my own book, Space, on Authonomy. But I’m above that. It might be the No. 1 thriller, No. 2 comedy and No. 3 sci-fi on this site, but I’d hardly expect you to click on this handy link and read, laugh at and back my own book first. I am simply not that kind of chap.

Right. Here’s my guide to a tasting of smart new literature from unsigned UK, Australian and American authors.

The Banjo Players Must Die by Josef Assad is one of the more original and challenging books on Authonomy. It’s as mad as a hatter’s convention and insanely creative and funny.


Evil Unlimited by my mate Simon Forward is one of the top ranked books on Authonomy, a funny and madcap sci-fi comedy that somehow makes you think of the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and then feel ashamed of yourself because it's an original book with its own life and style to it. Do try it!


Going to the Mountain, by JW Reitz. A luscious book about growing up as a settler in Xhosa country, about looking back on your life’s action: guilt, as the author says, and sex and death.


Sunday’s Child by Anne Lyken-Gardner is a dark but beautifully told tale of a childhood of abuse in Latin America. It’s a haunting and lyrical work that some will find traumatically evocative. It's one of my favourite things on Authonomy.


The Girl on the Swing by Ali Cooper is a book that attracted me for all the wrong reasons: not my kind of book at all. But its clever, dense language and descriptive prose soon turn into a book that captures you.


You want action, Asian gogo bars and big gun, move fast thriller stuff? This is the book for you, Hunting Buddha by Jamie DeBaisio is a really fast paced gangsta book set in Hong Kong. Guaranteed riveting read from Ch1.


How about a bit of ‘classic’ sci-fi? Bob Pickup is a train driver by day who composes intergalactic science fiction that’s about as ‘out there’ as you’d want and highly readable, too.


And, of course famed blogger Keefieboy's new (and timely!?) financial crash book, Tybalt and Theo, which time-switches between present day disaster and a distant, simpler past...


There’s loads more out there – well over a thousand books are now on Authonomy and anyone can go along, dip into them, chat to the authors and generally have an influence on the way new writing in the UK is shaping up.

And I, for one, find that exhilarating. Give it a whirl – and don’t forget Space!!!

Traffic

If you've got a 4WD, there's a sandy snicket between Sharjah and Dubai that lets you miss all that nasty, snarled up traffic in the mornings; the roadworks, the congestion, the Salik gates and all that other 'orrible commute to work unpleasantness that are part of the miserable day for thousands of people.

I've been waiting to snap one of these boys for a while, but I got 'im this morning.

It's bad isn't it, when even the 'solution' has to avoid the 'problem'?

(Note for puzzled non-UAE residents: the logo on the car belongs to Dubai's traffic regulator, the RTA...)

Sammy

Gulf News has really got the bit between its teeth.

Today's FREE SAMMY THE SHARK campaign kicks off with considerable style: readers are offered a free 'Free Sammy the Shark' badge inside. Amazed at this new munificence (it was only last week that our two Gulf News 'Save the Planet' Jute Bags arrived), I was delighted to see that said badge is indeed printed inside on the paper's Page 3, along with instructions to Make your own Free Sammy the Shark badge! All you have to do is cut out the badge from Gulf News, affix it to a piece of cardboard and then cut out the shape from the cardboard. Then carefully attach a safety pin to the back and hey presto! You too can then show your support for the campaign by emailing a picture of yourself wearing the badge to Gulf News! If you live overseas and don't have a GN on paper, never fear! You can download a badge to print here!

(Environmentalists have come out against The Atlantis Hotel in Dubai keeping a whale shark, which was found in distress off Jumeirah some time ago and added to the hotel's aquarium. It's the latest in a growing string of PR nightmares being experienced by the hotel and the GN campagin won't be helping. Right thing to do? Free the shark, fast.)

Geekdom

For such a smart company, Google can be incredibly daft at times. Do you ever get an Arabic interface on www.google.com because you've been redirected to www.google.ae which automatically decides you're an Arabic speaker?

Yes?

Then prepare to wire me Dhs 100 for I have the answer to your woes. Go here. Now click on the third link down (Google: no country redirect) and click OK. A plug-in will be installed that fixes the Google "I assume you're an Arabic speaker because you're browsing from the Middle East's biggest international jet-set hot spot, tourist hub and international community" tomfoolery.

No, no, don't thank me. Just wire the cash or go to Authonomy and read Space. Did I mention it was now at number 9? Oh, OK. Sorry...

Link

Here's a link to the official Death of Satwa website.

I have previously alluded to my deep fondness for Satwa, the last outpost of real 'organic' community living, where you can truly live out your dreams in a realistic and not unpleasant mix of cultures and communities. Since November last year, it's been clear that Satwa is going to become Squishwa.

Now we can see the whole awful thing in 3D renderings and gushy newspaper stories about the wonderful Dhs 350bn megaproject. The coverage is unsullied by a single critical word.

There's no doubt that the plans are amazing. The buildings are breathtaking. And I'm sure we all feel suitable astounded and dwarfed by it all. We're all pretty impressed down here, I can tell you.

The project will, according to Gulf News, 'redefine living in one of the most popular neighbourhoods of Dubai'.

GN doesn't go on to say why Satwa is one of the most popular neighbourhoods of Dubai: it's one of the few places where many people can afford to live. It's 'real' and has great places to wander around, eat and shop in real streets, not malls. It's close to the beach and sits bang between Deira and 'new Dubai'. It's got location, location, location without the mad rental price tags.

The new project will certainly be redefining things for all of us currently living and working in Satwa. It'll be redefining us the hell out of here to make way for some nice, planned, communities just like Jumeirah Beach Residence.

I am so very happy.

Terminal

You saw it here first. This is Emirates' new Terminal 3 building, opening on October 14th and featuring lots of lights and steel and things. The Terminal includes Concourse 2, an area of lounges, spas and retail outlets that is equivalent to 120 football fields. How DO those pesky PRs do their football field calculations? It's always so many football fields of this or swimming pools of that!

At least it'll see an end to the misery and chaos that currently greets weary travellers at the over-packed and construction-riddled terminal one.

Be interested to see if this release from EK cuts through tomorrow's slew of iconic lifestyle enhancing dare to dream announcements... Any bets?

Real

Help! I'm drowning in iconic luxury living!

Dubai's CityScape exhibition starts today and the normal background levels of iconic luxury living that reflects who you truly wish to be are now escalating to a dangerous degree. Gulf News came with a foil bag that screamed REALITY INSIDE, containing a bunch of deeply surreal leaflets.

The mindless hyperbole is incredible. You want to stick your fingers in your ears and cry lalalala until it all goes away. The radio's stacked with end to end soapy voices (why do agencies think the sound of some sarf London bird sounding like she's just taken in two bottles of Moet and a hard hit of amyl will make people believe the dream) and the press is pumped to bursting with insane, blissed out exhortations to dare to dream, live the life, love your dream, dream your dare.

Some examples for those of you unlucky enough not to be assailed by the constant high volume feelgood psychobabble today:

Let the love affair begin. Enter a sumptuous garden paradise that will invigorate the heart and the soul, and recapture the ultimate passion for life.

Unique lines and curves, terracotta roofs, warm colours and cobbled driveways...a stunning architectural concept in a background of perennial blue skies.

For as long as you refuse to compromise on your dreams, we will see eye to eye.

Sensual, expressive, opulent... all about living with a truly fashionable elegance.

Strategically cushioned on the iconic shoreline of Dubai...a home for the privileged few in refreshed luxury.

Prosper in life. Prosper in business. Prosper with one of the finest properties in Dubai. A place where prosperity beckons naturally.

the perfect destination where you can relax peacefully, bond with family, and enjoy life at its fullest.

Argh! Refreshed luxury? What the HELL is 'refreshed luxury'? Let alone a 'strategic cushion', an 'iconic shoreline' and we're not even going down the road of prosperity beckoning naturally!

Rather brilliantly, one developer is offering, in huge type across the page, "A lifestyle of excesses."

I quite like the sound of that one...

Siam

There was a wonderful little moment during my stint with Brandy Scott on the Business Breakfast last Thursday: we were talking about the US presidential candidates and their public relations and communications strategies, particularly in the light of the excruciating McCain/Letterman affair. John McCain blew Letterman out claiming that he had to fly to Washington to focus on the financial crisis and then Letterman cut live, during the McCain-less show, to the same McCain being made up for an interview he’d granted to CBS’ Katie Couric. An infuriated Letterman let rip throughout the show and, in fact, has been doing so since.

So we talked about this, about interview management and planning communications strategies on the theme of what we can learn from the US presidential candidates’ management of their communications.

At one point, the delectable Brandy asked me what I thought about Sarah Palin and my response was something along the lines of “I know! I mean, here you’ve got this mooseburger eating, hunting shooting fishing NRA-head who believes that polar bears aren’t under threat and that global warming isn’t a product of human activity and she’s come from being the mayor of some village and suddenly she’s potentially the most important person in America!”

And then Brandy, who is (unlike your correspondent) really rather good at her job, looks across the mikes at me and deadpans, “I meant her PR.”

My father once taught me the Siamese national anthem. You sing “O” then “my watan” and then “a’s Siam”. Put them together in one fluid chant and repeat. It’s the kind of thing that my father used to do to me, a traumatic childhood.

Nowadays I occasionally have cause to remember it and chant it to myself...

Gig

There were glaring, pumped-up thugs walking bad-temperedly through the crowd last night at The Stranglers’ gig at Dubai’s Irish Village. And they were the security team, not the punters. In fact, probably the most genuine ‘70s touch to the evening was the good old fashioned ‘in your face’ heavy-handed security. This was quite amusing, given that the vast majority of the crowd was far too middle aged and well-heeled to even think about causing trouble. But the evening’s only stage diver seemed to get a really tough time of it from the security boys.

The Irish Village was selling hooch in glass bottles, an amazing thing to see at a Stranglers gig. Bet they don't do that in the UK venues!!!

At about 8.45, a complete dunderhead from Coast FM took to the stage and managed to alienate the entire crowd in a matter of seconds. Babbling excitedly about The Stranglers being an ‘80s band (which they most certainly are not) and trying to organise crowd cheering games, he managed to destroy much of the atmosphere of joyful excitement in the packed venue and provoke mass irritation instead. Finally, to jeers of ‘off off off’, the goon slunk off the stage and a gig organising type announced the departure of the ‘face for radio’ and the imminent arrival of the band.

At the last minute, word went round the crowd that drummer Jet Black (who is, incidentally, in his ‘70s now) was ill and his drum tech would be playing in his place. So the idiot and the bad news didn’t really set this all up well.

Taking to the stage to the sound of ‘Meninblack’, the group launched straight into a pumping ‘Toiler on the Sea’, and suddenly all was right with the world. We were in for a wonderful evening of high energy, brilliant music and I spent the next two hours grinning like a maniac in a sea of moving, dancing, happy people. The group did a brilliant run through a serious back catalogue, ‘Grip’, ‘Peaches’ (“Oh no, I’ve missed the charabanc! I’m gonna be stuck here the whole summer, well what a bummer! I can think of a lot worse places to be, like being stuck in a back room at the Irish Village waiting for some fat twat to get off the stage” got singer Baz Warne a huge cheer); Golden Brown (not my favourite track by any means, but a massive crowd pleaser), Nice and Sleazy and Tank through to Always the Sun. In all they only played one new track, which surprised me: I’d been expecting Norfolk Coast at least.

A cheering, dancing crowd was the most animated audience I’ve ever seen at a Dubai gig, but then they were in seasoned hands as the group played a tight, driving high energy, set. They’re a great live act, singer and guitarist Baz Warne is energetic, good-natured and very bald. Burnel, the near-legendary karate kid bassist, prowls the stage, always a powerful, brooding presence (although he was.. gasp... smiling a lot) pumping out those punching, rolling basslines supported by spot on drumming from the drum tech doing a masterful job of filling in for Black. And, of course, the oddly Asiatic face of a Dave Greenfield pokes up behind a trio of massive swelling organs: the keyboards that have always been so central to The Stranglers’ sound swirling and driving the pace throughout the night.

I couldn’t have asked for more, except perhaps for them to keep going all night. I wanted Genetix, Down in the Sewer, Raven and... well, just more.

But I was a happy little bear and all the other little bears with me in the bear garden were happy too.

This date was the first in a long tour: November will see the band playing across the UK and then Australia in December, followed by a European tour in January and February. If you can, get to see them: The Stranglers are sounding better than they ever have before and you’ll have a brilliant night of it.

*PS. Yes, the picture was taken with my phone. In the old days, hippies and saddoes used to wave their lighters. Now we wave our phones.... *sigh*