Sunday, 8 September 2013

Diana And Downfall

According to Bullock, Hitler was an opportunis...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I hadn't realised this, mostly because I'm not really into films to the point where I only ever watch them when I'm flying Emirates, but the new and critically panned film Diana which was premiered last Thursday, was directed by none other than Oliver Hirschbiegel. Here's the trailer.

Oliver Whowhatable? German film director Oliver Hirschbiegel is perhaps best known as the genius who gave us Downfall, the film that spawned the meme that is 'Hitler finds out about...'.

You'll likely remember the meme even if you haven't seen the whole film. Hitler raves at his closest aides, racked by Parkinsons, bitter, furious and clearly already defeated. The gag is that it's in German, so all you have to do is add funny subtitles and you've got a hilarious backdrop for dialogues such as Hitler finds out there's no camera in the iPod Touch or the monumental (over 8 million views) Hitler finds his XBox Live account has been terminated. The meme takes us to Hitler's reaction that Twitter is down and, of course, his reaction to the iPad. There's even the rather chucklesome Hitler is fed up with all the Hitler rants.

Someone somewhere is going to get a thesis, by the way, out of the fact that every single one of these have awful spelling or grammatical errors in the subtitles. The Internet, it would seem is highly amusing but woefully illiterate.

It's perhaps a testament to the power of actor Bruno Gantz's portrayal of Hitler and the realism of this rant scene that the meme has run like this - in fact, the studio tried to stem the tide of parodies with a takedown attempt, but in the end you can't turn back the sea. There are hundreds of the things out there, more still - over three years later - being added every day with each new event that someone, somewhere cares about enough to slap a few subtitles on that little piece of film history. Some of the best, original clips succumbed to the takedown. Many are, of course, merely lame. But they generally still have the power to bring a grin to your face.

Much of the humour comes from the fact this man is the most reviled figure in human history. The idea that he wants to tweet about his dog dying, that the AT&T network's no good or any of this stuff is part of its brilliance. But it's the best thing to do to evil, really: laugh at it, no?

So now Hirschbiegel has created a film about Diana which the critics have queued up to have a pop at. The Guardian's reviewer noted that sixteen years after that car crash, Diana has died a second awful death and the gag, albeit a tad obvious and even mildly obnoxious, neatly sums up London's reaction to the film.

I can't wait, personally. I can't wait for the parodies to start. I wonder if they'll have German subtitles?

Meanwhile, do feel free to share links to any notable 'Hitler rants' in the comments!

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Thursday, 5 September 2013

ADNOC Buys Out Emarat Network - Finally

Emarat
(Photo credit: SimonQ錫濛譙)
So it seems that the northern emirates' green gas stations are finally to go blue - ADNOC has announced it has signed an agreement to acquire Emarat's 75 service stations and its Sharjah distribution terminal. The service stations will 'gradually' be rebranded, according to Gulf News today.

This agreement is presumably different in some way to the memorandum of understanding the two signed in May of last year. That was reported at the time to relate to "74 of Emarat's 100 stations in the northern emirates".

I posted about it at the time and thought no more of it, but sure enough there appears to have been a year-long process turning an MoU into an actual deal. Which is not the niftiest piece of M&A work I've seen, I must say. One does wonder what the stumbling blocks were to cause such a hiatus between intent and action.

Just as a reminder, the story's all about the cost of subsidising petrol, because Dubai doesn't have a refinery, its petrol distribution companies have to buy at market rates and then meet a Federally mandated subsidised price point, which loses them significant amounts of money. So both ENOC/EPPCO and Emarat wanted out of the Northern Emirates pronto. Emarat may have negotiated the transition more elegantly. The end result was that most amusing of situations, a petrol shortage in an oil-producing country.

Try as I might, I can't find the story on Gulf News' website. It's not in business, not in oil and gas and doesn't come up in a search of the site. And yet it's front page business in the print edition. I wonder why?

The whole shebang won't really change much for drivers in the north, particularly in Sharjah where queues at the ADNOC stations can get really quite long. The red EPPCO stations have been partly or totally dismantled or just stand idle, as do the light green ENOC ones - unloved, rubbish-strewn and dusty they stand, useless pieces of seemingly unwanted real estate...
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Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Android and KitKat. Genius.

KitKat
KitKat (Photo credit: Nestlé)
As eny fule no, Google is prone to various fits of whimsy and one of these is naming releases of its Android operating system after tasty treats. After Ice Cream Sandwich and Jelly Bean we were to have enjoyed Key Lime Pie, but the team of really cool and crazy guys at Google decided that few people would know what they were on about.

So they decided on KitKat as the name for Android 4.4. It was, Google's John Lagerling told the BBC, because they snacked on KitKats during late night coding sessions. The story's linked here and well worth reading - it tells of how Google put a cold call into Nestlé's London ad agency and how Nestlé 'got it' within 24 hours. The agreement to let this all go ahead was one which is, according to Lagerling, "not a money-changing-hands kind of deal."

Which is pretty stupendous. If you pop over to the KitKat website, you'll find they've made the most of the opportunity. It's all very well done and highly amusing, even to people who enjoy late night coding sessions, extolling the virtues of KitKat 4.4 with features such as portrait and landscape orientation, 'diamond sharp bevels' and unlimited standby time.

The Beeb and other news outlets have done a great job reaching out to 'brand consultancies' and 'marketing experts' to talk about the downside of the deal - how if KitKat has a huge product recall or Google's new Android is crap it'll affect the other brand. I think that's utter tosh - there are no downsides. Today's consumer is smart enough to know what's going on and I'm not about to uninstall my Nexus because a chocolate bar has gone wrong or, indeed, eschew KitKats because my latest install of Android sucks.

I'm afraid the naysayers are lone voices in the wilderness - this deal is brilliant at every level and Nestlé has to be applauded for not only seeing the potential with blinding speed, but getting the zeitgeist pretty much spot on. That's by no means a 'given' with marketing departments and agencies - anyone remember Vegemite's disastrous attempt to rename itself as "iSnack 2.0"?

And the fact that no cash has changed hands is very, well, Google, isn' t it?
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Monday, 2 September 2013

Gay Oman Controversy Spirals Out Of Control


Omani weekly tabloid newspaper The Week appears to be in a great deal of hot water indeed. The paper ran a piece last week on what it was like being gay in Oman which looks to the untutored eye like a well written and balanced feature - if a surprisingly frank and open one. It has resulted in an amazing backlash that has led the paper to issue an unconditional apology on its home page as it faces censure at the highest level and the possibility of action from the country's legislature.

The Oman Journalist's Association has strongly condemned the piece according to Gulf News (which hit a new high today by reporting on a woman who threatened to blow herself up at Dubai's Public Prosecution and failed to mention there was no bomb in her 'bomb belt'*), while also calling for the Ministry of Information to act - and the chairman of the Omani Shura Council, Shaikh Khalid Bin Hilal Bin Naseer Al Maa’wali, has weighed in, promising action by the Council's media committee. In a tweet, as it happens. In fact, in a final confirmation that this is, indeed, a hot story (all today's journalist needs to confirm it's a biggie), the whole thing trended on Twitter.

It's not as if homosexuality in Oman hasn't been aired in public before - the (formerly) excellent Muscat Confidential blog ran a great interview on this very topic back in 2010. Muscat Confidential has in the past been blocked by Omani authorities, but no blocking followed the publication of this post.

But, of course, We Don't Talk About Elephants In This Room and there's clearly a huge difference between a blog post and a tabloid newspaper - and it's worth noting the outrage is clearly community driven, it's not a nanny state government acting against a brave little newspaper. The piece has clearly widely offended Omanis.

The Week's apology neatly paraphrases Father Jack Hackett, but 'the article' - so hot its nature can't even be mentioned in that apology, it seems - lives on. Omani blog Oman Coast has reproduced the piece on those who choose not to reproduce and it's linked here for your elucidation. As Oman Coast says, please read on only if you are a mature reader used to free speech who is not easily shocked or offended.

Meanwhile the messenger, it would appear, has been quite comprehensively shot...

* I suppose in the interest of fairness I should point out that Gulf News has now added the no bomb information to its story online, although not rewritten it in light of the new finding, so the first line still reads, "A mother wearing a belt of explosives who threatened to blow herself up in the Dubai Public Prosecution building has surrendered and has been arrested."

Sunday, 1 September 2013

New Zealand Bacteria Scare. What New Zealand Bacteria Scare?

English: A photomicrograph of Clostridium botu...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Whenever the role of journalism in the social age is questioned, you get the snap answer that breaking news on Twitter is all very well, but 'proper' journalism gives us context and analysis. It has long been my contention that this is one of those qualitative arguments that points to the inevitability of disintermediation.

This was certainly the first thing that went through what passes for my mind as I read in Gulf News over the weekend that 'New Zealand Products Safe To Consume'. This headline inevitably means there is an issue of some kind with New Zealand products, but in the name of 'context and analysis' we're certainly not going to be told what the issue is, just that it's not an issue.

If I read a headline in Gulf News 'Big Gnarly Sabre Toothed Banjax Not About To Eat You', for instance, I know not to turn around. I'd rather not have to confront my impending messy end.

The scare in question is actually quite old by today's standards, dating back to May of last year in fact, when a dirty pipe in one of Fonterra's plants contaminated a batch of whey protein concentrate used in 'Nutricia Karicare', an infant formula product, as well as other drinks including sports drinks, protein drinks and other beverages. 90% of New Zealand's dairy produce comes from Fonterra, a massive agro-business which accounts for something like 7% of New Zealand's GDP. Imagine the lobbying power!.

For some reason the contamination didn't come to light until March of this year, finally causing China to announce a ban of certain products in early August of New Zealand dairy products. The Chinese are, understandably, somewhat nervous about contaminated dairy products and import something like 80% of their infant formula from New Zealand. Recall products are known to have been shipped to China, Australia, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam and Saudi Arabia.

Fonterra's news release on the 'quality issue' makes interesting reading. Eight Fonterra customers had been affected by the 'issue' which 'surfaced' in March but didn't require any action other than 'intensive testing' over the subsequent months until finally, on Wednesday 31st July, a sample tested positive for Clostridium botulinum.

The recall affects some 38 tonnes of whey protein but would appear to have impacted over 2,000 metric tonnes of nutritional products that use the protein product - Fonterra has been pretty cagey about the identities of its customers - and presumably has been depending on the considerable clout it must have in New Zealand to minimise the coverage of a food contamination scare that begs questions about who knew what and when - and how thousands of tonnes of contaminated products can be put on the market but the identities of the companies producing those products be protected.

It all reads a little like the horse meat scare in Europe - one producer's product can contaminate thousands of tonnes of downstream products. There are other whiffs of sulphur around the story, too - scientists questioning how a 'dirty pipe' could have been involved, the timescale of the testing and recall, why expensive tests for Clostridium, not normally required for whey protein products, were being carried out and so on. Fonterra's head of milk products has subsequently resigned.

In any case, New Zealand Government laboratories have now confirmed that the samples tested were not actually contaminated with botulism causing clostridium botulinum but with the just as worrying-sounding but relatively benign Clostridium sporogenes. So that's all okay, then.

All of which has been brilliantly boiled down by Gulf News to a reassuring blue 'don't panic' - in fact there's no problem to the point you don't even need to know what the problem there isn't is.
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Wednesday, 28 August 2013

More Search Madness - Strange Searches Redux

A data visualization of Wikipedia as part of t...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Occasionally I post some of the stranger searches to have landed in these dusty little rooms somewhere at the end of a long, dark corridor in a little-visited subterranean complex somewhere to the west of the Internet.

This harmless pastime is enabled by Sitemeter, a little widget that lets me know you have searched the World Wide Web for Cobblers in Satwa and ended up here as a result. This in itself wouldn't be interesting or strange if you weren't based in Helsinki, googling like a mad thing from the offices of Cargotech Corporation on your WindowsNT Macintosh. Why in heaven's name would anyone in Helsinki want to know about cobblers in Satwa? I've just come back from there, there are perfectly good shoe repair places in Helsinki!

Mind you, anyone using Safari when they've got both Firefox and Chrome installed on their desktop is a worry.

I'm very pleased that three to five-odd searches a day are landing on this post, which tells of how you can turn off the otherwise highly obtrusive Samsung Series 5 Ultrabook touchpad. It was a huge issue for me when I first got the machine and appears to have been blighting others all over the planet. It's easy to fix when you know how - the problem is Samsung won't tell you how. Similarly, a couple of searches a day are landing on this analysis of quite what's in Tim Horton's French Vanilla coffee and that's just as much a public service (the answer boiling down to no vanilla and a lot of ugly goo). And the ingredients of Pringles, tappiness of Aquafina, vileness of chicken rib meat and other food posts are perennially popular.

I should do more of them, actually - the fact that one person found the Pringles post by searching 'Pringles chip lips numb' is something of a concern - I hope they feel better now. Oh, I forgot to mention the post that details what egregious gleet is pumped into Subway's '9 grain wheat' bread. That's always good for a few ews.

Thanks to another nifty technology I use called Zemanta, someone landed here having searched Google images for 'Shaved West Highland Terriers', which is something of a worry. I've never actually posted about shaved Westies, you'll be pleased to know. Zemanta is responsible for the pictures I use to illustrate posts - it contextually suggests images (and links, but I don't use that) for posts derived from copyright free sources. One quirk of the system is that where I have more search 'grunt' than the original image location, people get to the image linked to this blog before they get to the image owner's site or Flickr or whatever. And I used a picture of a Westie to illustrate this here post about Nokia maps and the evolution of PC based mapping in general. I didn't know it was shaved, though. Honest.

Someone from Romania (working at Romania Data Systems, actually) googled nmkl pjkl ftmch for some reason best known to themselves and instead got a silly 'Shiny' post, for which I suppose I should apologise. I wonder if it's Romanian for something? Or is there an underground Young Ones fan scene developing there?

I am delighted to find myself a world authority on how to pronounce GITEX, but am baffled as to why anyone in Turkey should google 'Alexander McNabb Shemlan' - the blasted book's not even out yet!

I would appear to 'own' the search phrase 'rage Indian' which I think is odd. And I do get a grin every time someone googles something like 'what does "what to do yani" mean?', leading them invariably to this old but eternally popular post and leading me to think of someone else who's just been right royally shafted.

You can generally find your way here by appending the word 'fake' to any number of permutations, as the person who searched Yahoo! for 'Fake Boobbies' found out. And, in retrospect, I shouldn't have titled a post about Simian maniac George W Bush visitng Dubai 'Bush tickled' and apologise to the person who searched for that phrase and was so clearly disappointed. Similarly, the person googling 'best Philippine hooker bar in Dubai' must have felt suitably bilked to arrive here at this rant about the Observer's lazy piece on fleshpot Dubai.

And, finally, a raise of the glass to the most excellent individual who searched The Internet for 'Death To Modhesh'. I can only hope they found what they were looking for...

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Tuesday, 27 August 2013

The Passing Of Billy Blues

Satwa Roundabout, Satwa, Dubai, United Arab Em...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Two Dubai landmarks are going to disappear after this weekend - old skool icons Billy Blues and the Cactus Cantina are to close.

First the Red Lion, now these two. What is it with the city's old haunts?

The 8th floor of Rydges Plaza in Satwa has been Spot On's watering hole from the first days back in the mid-'90s. Established by gravel voiced Southern Gentleman Rudy Rivas - the man that brought us Pancho Villa's, Dubai's first Tex-Mex joint (complete with sombrero clad dwarf) - Billy Blues was originally constantly strewn with peanut husks as bowls of the things were snarfed down along with assorted appropriate libations. You get what you pays for in the wood-panelled bar - blues memorabilia, generally bluesy music (with some occasional odd lapses that just add to the charm of it all) and a good ole menu of ribs and the like. It's always reminded me strongly of the many quirky and deeply individualistic bars that line the streets of Hamra - I contend it's the nearest thing you'll find to a Hamra bar in Dubai. Opposite lies Cactus Cantina, the Tex Mex joint that took over where Panchos left off - including the long tradition of 'ladies night'.

When Rydges changed hands and became the Chelsea Plaza, the new owner appears to have decided on a complete refresh. There's a Cactus Cantina at Wafi now, but when the 8th floor closes for business, Billy Blues is a gonner.

I'm off there tomorrow night (Wed 28th August) to say farewell with a few pals from about 7 o'clock onwards. You're more than welcome to join us!
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Sunday, 25 August 2013

A Taste Of Helsinki

English: Aerial view of Suomenlinna, Helsinki,...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
We've taken to going to Northern Europe for a quick break every summer and so decided to follow our trips to Tallinn and Stockholm with a jaunt to Helsinki this year. I'd recommend the city heartily; there's planty to do and see there, from the insanely useless fortification of Suomenlinna (second only in historical uselessness to the Maginot Line) to the many museums and art galleries - it's a delightful place to spend a few days exploring. The hooch, incidentally, isn't as expensive as everyone insists - particularly if you're used to Dubai prices! The Finns' relationship with alcohol is similar to that of the Swedes and for this reason, Helsinki serves the world's smallest Martinis (by law they can only serve up to 4cl of hard booze at a time) - and you can only buy the good stuff from official booze shops, which is a little like finding yourself in a Baltic Ajman, if you know what I mean.

Everything else apart, we ate like kings. The food in Helsinki was glorious - the first surprise being the 'street food' in the central market, where flaxen haired girls handed out food cooked on massive griddles - the rickety plastic-sheeted tables under the orange awnings of their stalls packed with eager eaters. Each stall has a single dining-table sized griddle, split up into various foods, from sides of salmon and piles of whitebait to mixed vegetables and potatoes sauteed with smoked sausage and patties of minced reindeer. The piping hot food is piled into a cardboard bowl and slathered in garlic sauce and eaten with a plastic fork and a bottle of cold near-beer (those alcohol rules again).

At the other end, there are serious restaurants. One such is all-organic micro-restaurant 'Ask'. It had to be done, really. Ask is only about a year old, so it's not featured in the Rough Guide or other tourist maps and things you're given as you wander around Helsinki. The restaurant seems almost to encourage that understated status - you'd really want to know where it is because there's no signage on the exterior of No. 8 Vironkatu (a turn left off Mariankatu, which you'll pick up just past the Presidential Palace at the end of the market square). 

First things first - eating at Ask is a funfair ride, so you have to give yourself up to the experience. You get a four or eight course tasting menu for your 55 or 85 Euro respectively. Asking what was on the menu when I called, I was told 'We don't know - chef's still down at the market'. If you think that response is a good thing, you'll love Ask.

For another 50 (or 80) Euro, you can buy into the wine selection to accompany the menu. That's pricey, even by Finnish standards, but having gone through the wines I'd say it was reasonable value for money. One of our table of two doesn't do fish or game I explained when I booked. No problem, they told us and we chatted about what she does like. We pitched and were sat at a table for two at the back (great - the other one was near the door, which was open to a chilly, rainy August evening) in the almost starkly minimalist restaurant - tiny, with a total of 26 covers.

Drinks? A Vodka Martini ordered, only to find that we were in the grip of the Organic Police. No inorganic Martini although we could have an organic vodka and some wholesome fruit juices. Right, then - we'll take the organic champagne from Vertus instead, which was lovely. The four course menu, which most around us took that night, was brought out by the chef owner himself, with the efficient service from the waitress limited to explaining (at some length) and pouring the wine, clearing plates and offering bread. Each course was introduced, again at length. This is all part of the performance and the best thing to do is sit back and enjoy it.

You order your main and they do the rest. If you're frustrated by the limitation, don't play - you'll just end up angry and muttering. If you're willing to give it all up and go along with the game, fling yourself in with a whoop. An amuse bouche, a vegetable stock foam with herbs. Delicate, surprising and fun but served with clunky wooden spoons that somehow didn't suit the precision of the dish. And now we have a green salad, little leaves and flowers sprinkled on a cut glass dish with little dabs of a rich, creamy dressing and a spray of elderflower dressing pumped by chef as he chatted then sprayed over the collection. Our first wine, German and surprisingly dry for all that. The combination was sensational. One flower was a little camphorous, something medicinal in there, a hint of coal tar. What was it? Yarrow. Of course. Yarrow. Silly me.

The second course, a Riesling (if memory serves) - again, complex and drier than expected - accompanying, was 'egg, roots and buckwheat'. We're playing, of course, it's altogether more complex. A moment of fear from Sarah the fussy eater opposite as an egg yolk is spied sitting on top of the rich and meaty-tasting (but no meat involved) buckwheat porridge. She don't like runny eggs. But no, the sunset-orange yolk was cooked to perfection, just firm and yet tender and yielding. The roots, painfully young (it was a guilty vegetarian pleasure, a little like eating veggie veal. We were giggling about the idea that hard-core vegetarians would be demoing outside this place within the year about cruelty to young beets), were tender and their little sprigs crisp and salty - a parsnip and carrot (both the size of a delicate lady's little finger) along with a tiny beet and some crispy wisps of green and a drizzle of oil finished off the tiny dish. It was grin-inducing perfection, a variety of flavours and textures that absorbed and entertained. You'd almost ask for the Curly-Wurly at this point. A pause, some conversation. The rain started to come down hard and, finally, the front door was closed against the chill.

The main - chicken (rooster, in fact) was served across from me as a result of our chat on the phone. I had the wild duck. It was so wild I got a nice crunch of lead shot as proof. Introduced as wild duck, chanterelle and kale, the dish was a set of pink slices of rich duck breast cooked on the bone and served off, laid on a mild mustardy bed with fried kale and dabs of wild buckthorn. The plate could have been warmer, tell the truth. The rooster was perfection, served to the same accompaniments which didn't quite serve the lighter meat as well. However, a burned butter was poured over the chicken rather than the red jus with the duck and both were glorious. A Puligny Montrachet (organic, natch) with the chicken and a chilled French red - a Beaujolais as I remember, it was all becoming a bit of a procession of things by this point and I'm not quite pretentious enough to spoil a meal by taking notes - were both a welcome change from the German stuff and both were complex, fine wines that sat perfectly with the food.

We're happy and thoroughly relaxed by now, sitting back and chatting about the food. Because yes, it is all about the food. A wee dish of beetroot snow and red berries appears before little tulips of dessert wine appear followed by a dish of warm, crispy waffles surrounded by bilberries and sorrel leaves and topped with a scoop (chef allows himself a flourish by now as he serves it) of burned butter ice cream. Smashing - absolutely smashing.

Coffee (the filter system is introduced, the one time in a night of long introductions when I wanted to switch the patter off), Panamanian and organic of course. The cups are 1950s vintage Arabia porcelain (Arabia is Helsinki's premier porcelain factory and something of a national monument. And no, it's got nothing to do with Arabia Felix). Fine, but don't feel you have to tell us that, dear. By now the intros are wearing thin. The receipt for your bill tonight is printed on handmade organic paper using squid ink from outer Carpathia. Sorry, wandered into over-introduction reverie there.

Petits fours - a meringue, a little cream with a berry (a rare misstep, the cream was floury) and a tiny warm chocolate liquorice cake, the size of a thumbnail and reminiscent for some reason of one of Pierre Gagnaire's crazy little ginger biscuit with salt topping moments. A Finnish apple brandy for me and the evening rounded off by a walk home through the drizzle. I went to the toilet and came back to the brandy, thankfully missing its introduction.

So, in short, if you're going to Helsinki, book this restaurant. Pay the price. Go with the flow, sit back and enjoy the theatre. It's worth every penny and every second. They could pare back the introductions a tad, perhaps. But that's just cavilling - we had no complaints at all really. An altogether remarkable meal.

And if you're thinking about spending a week somewhere interesting next summer, give Helsinki a shot. You could do a lot worse, believe me.
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Thursday, 22 August 2013

The Guinness Storehouse Experience

English: Guinness for strenght
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
We went to Dublin on da trayun to visit Guinness. We'd been meaning to do this for a while and now was our chance.

The Guinness Storehouse could - and should - have been a wonderful display of brewing, the history of Guinness as a company, a growing industrial conglomerate that came to define Irishness and a social phenomenon that grew and developed throughout the C20th.

It's not.

It's a badly organised mess - a machine to process the animals and spit them out, a two-dimensional pastiche that could only have been devised by the ad agency working with a committee of interns from the marketing team. Any interesting or creative idea would have been squeezed out by the committee's messaging mafia, any intelligence sacrificed on the altar of corporate PC.

Mistake the first - it's not all about the visitor, The annoying carbon-based lifeforms that are fed into the sausage machine are subjected to the experience rather than being served up an experience. You stumble into the darkness and, your tickets duly bought, are lifted up by the escalator, greeted by man with microphone, then pushed on and up into the helix. Videos play of a master brewer - who shouldn't have been allowed to be in the video as he has no talent for it - over-excitedly telling us about the Majesty Of Guinness and flitting through the actual brewing process. There's no history on offer here and precious little insight.

You suspect the social history of Guinness has been excised because Diageo's marketing bots were worried about their present day workers asking for some of the same perks. It's strange - there's so much richness in this company's story and yet that story is totally not told here.

The whole thing starts with ticketing in Stygian darkness and takes you up level by level to the bright glass circle of the 'Gravity' bar. Either the plasterwork is very, very bad or someone has intentionally roofed the thing with a white bubbly render. Oh, wait a second, it's a metaphor! The entire Storehouse is a pint of Guinness! Dark at the bottom and light and with a foamy white head! How clever. What a shame the whole scheme offers so little consideration for the saps paying over 16 Euro a head to be force-fed Diageo product messaging as they're herded around the multi-storied wasteland.

As we rise to the top, to the pinnacle of our 'experience', the content thins out. The tactile display of bran and water on the 1st floor gives way to some old mash tuns, barrels and videos together with a cafe style outlet on the second. The food on offer here is most certainly not child friendly, by the way. And packet sandwiches and soft drinks for four (and a Guinness pie, the most child-friendly food on offer) set us back 40 Euro.

Onwards and upwards on our journey to the metaphorical pinnacle we rise like nitrogen bubbles to the third floor, where nothing in particular is happening beyond the Tasting Experience and some dappy 'drink responsibly' stuff. Nobody is fooled by this. Guinness makes daddy silly, no matter what Diageo wants to be seen to be telling us.

The tasting experience aims to elevate drinking Guinness to a oenological catharsis. As we queue for our experience we get the feeling someone's pulling a Blumenthal on us - the Guinnessy scent in the air is strong but just slightly not real Guinness. One member of our little group thought it smelled like a pub the morning after. We're trooped, baaing compliantly, into a white room with four white bin-like things steaming away.

A mildly annoying person with a throat mic introduces us to the four bins which are exuding the scents of malt, hops, cow poo and Guinness. We have to plod around them wafting the scents and guessing which is which. This is to prepare us for the challenges of tasting responsibly.

Okay, so I was lying about the cow poo. Sue me.

Now we're handed tiny shot-glass sized servings of cold Guinness and we troop into room two which is black and has some little multi-levelled plinths in it. We are to place our Guinnessettes on these plinths while a mildly annoying girl with a throat mic yelps at us about how this Guinness is just two days old and represents the pinnacle of the brewmaster's art. She trots out some tired rap about how the hops dance on the top of the palate like Fuggly ballerinas and the malt tantalises the tastebuds or some such piffle. We have cheated and drunk our shots already. We are bored and standing in a black room while someone shouts at us.

I am aware that we have been made to place your product on a pedestal. It has made me more angry that awed. I hate you, Diageo marketing team, by now. Really, really hate you.

In due course we are released, shuffling out with a feeling of mild release and perhaps a little puzzled embarrassment. The fourth floor is perhaps the greatest missed opportunity of all - Guinness' advertising has consistently led the way since the 1930s, with some stunning campaigns and a heritage of iconography that many around the world will recognise. It's not here.

There are some Toucan posters and a chance to pose in a self-conscious sort of way in a poster set-up and get a selfie taken of you by some passers-by or whoever you can convince to hold your mobile. It's crap. We're bored and miserable and pass up the chance to queue for lessons in how to pour a pint of Guinness. Why would I want to learn that? That's why God invented barmen.

There are only restaurants on the 5th floor. There is no sixth floor as far as we can tell. It's a Willy Wonka lift ride above roof level to the pinnacle of pinnacles, the Nirvana of the Nitrogenated - the Gravity Bar. Tadaaa.

It's a bit shit.

The glassed circular area is packed with tourists snarfing down their free end of tour pint. There's no seat to be had and not even a free space around the crowded cocktail tables. It's too hot and is simply unpleasant. We collect two of our free pints (the lovely girls aren't drinking) and drink them quickly as we watch the ebb and flow of uncomfortably pressed and alienated-looking people around us. We don't go for the other two pints. We're pissed off by now and just want to leave. So we do. It's not easy - the lifts are simply inadequate to the task and we have to pummel our way through mildly intoxicated jostling Spaniards who have no manners.

Ten minutes later we're out of there, walking down to the river with a mixture of indignation and relief in our chatter. We invest the next hour in Dublin's most brilliant of public houses, The Porterhouse, where we drink beer we enjoy in comfortable and relaxed surroundings. Their Oyster porter is really quite special. They feck a few fresh oysters into the brew, don't you know. A more fascinating fact than any imparted to us in our disastrous, wasted two hours learning to mildly dislike Guinness - a drink I had up until now always thoroughly enjoyed.
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Friday, 9 August 2013

Leave (ing on a jetplane)

Zahnkranzpakete
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Back from Wales, off to Helsinki. Well, why not?

We've been whizzing around Pembrokeshire on our new mountain bikes - they have silly names like Raptor and Vengeance Is Called Rex and stuff. It's not until you screw up the gearing hitting a hard uphill (the nice chap at Halfords, asked to explain how Derailleur gears work, started, "Right, then. I'll try to be polite but it's not easy...") that you truly appreciate why gym training people make you do squats.

Up until the point where I first skulked into a gym two years ago - and then spent the following week walking like a strychnine-poisoned octogenarian with the staggers - I'd thought squats were what happened when you ate out in Cairo...

The weather's been lovely, all cumulo-nimbus and sunny spells. It's summer and the hedgerows are teeming with life, the air is rich with the smell of cut hay and the buzz of bees. Most of which, I swear, have slammed into my forehead as we've been whizzing along those undulating country lanes.

And now to the Home of Nokia, expensive booze and, apparently, inwardly focused existentialist angst. So far, every arrangement has been made over email with responses so fast they've met our outgoing mails, Tangoed them and made it into our inboxes three seconds before our enquiries left.

This, then, is 'leave'...

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From The Dungeons

Book Marketing And McNabb's Theory Of Multitouch

(Photo credit: Wikipedia ) I clearly want to tell the world about A Decent Bomber . This is perfectly natural, it's my latest...