Giving a Hoot

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So what are your brand values, then?
Loyalty, Quality, Customer Service, Care, Innovation

Did you ever stop to think that everyone picks those?
Well, no, not really. We did a flip chart thing in a hotel with our ad agency. They said we were a dominating tiger but that we really cared about our customers and that’s why customers admire us more than our competitor. We agreed with that. It was a pretty insightful analysis, actually.

Do you really live those values?
Of course! We put them on posters and everything! We even made a T-shirt after the workshop!

What, with Loyalty, Quality, Customer Service, Care, Innovation on it?
Yes! We took our hand paintings from that day out and used them along with our logos and our values. It's cool.

Do you wear that T-shirt?
Are you quite mad? I’d look like a delivery guy or something!

Do you see the problem here? This is not realistic. You don’t really live these values, they’re just lip-service. You’re not loyal, you just let staff go. You don’t really care about quality, you shaved product specs to save cashflow. You don’t care about your customers, your call centre sucks royally, has an average 25 minute wait time and is staffed by minimum wage students that hate you as much as your customers hate them. You only care about your shareholders and investors. And you don’t innovate at all, your whole structure is about a strategy of safety and sucking up to management.
Sorry, are you the PR guy or McKinsey? Because if you’re McKinsey, I don’t recall paying you $100k for this. And if you’re my PR guy, I’m not about to pay you to tell me something obvious, right?

Look, I’m the PR guy alright and I’m just about to tell you that you are in no way ready to take on social media.
Oh, what crap! We’re going to do some really cool social media campaigns. We’re going to show people just how damn cool we are and let them win some great prizes for jumping around and pulling faces every time we Tweet BIGCORP! You’ll see!

But we, as consumers, don’t want to do that. We don't want to jump around for you. We want to understand more about how you operate, engage with your people - even help to shape the products and services you offer us.
What? Stuff that! Mind your own business! How we operate is our affair, not yours!

Well, if you want me to engage with your brand, how you operate is important.
What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of pinko sicko ARE you? Buy the product because we care about you, right? Don’t worry about the stuff under the bonnet. You’re not qualified to look under the bonnet. We love you. Now shut the heck up, guy. Really. Before you really piss us off. You don’t want to piss us off.

But I am qualified. I’m a customer!
Shut up, right? Shut up. If you don’t shut up, I’ll shut you up. You understand me, you jumped up little punk?

Okay, it’s okay. I’ve calmed down just fine. Right. Why don’t you just go see Lisa who’s got some press releases about our staff development programme we want featured in the New York Times, the British press and all the Middle East papers. And PETRA. My kid says PETRA is important.

Umm, PETRA is the Jordanian national news agency. Maybe your kid meant PETA?
What, you can’t deliver or something? You don’t get what the kids get? If you don't have strong relationships withe media and make them run our releases, you can't be doing the job right.

But that's just pushing out one way messages! What about dialogue? Whatever happened to “Loyalty, Quality, Customer Service, Care, Innovation”?
You’re way off track here, pal. You’re a trouble maker. I’ve got nothing more to say to you. Lalalalala. Speak to my PR agency.

I am your PR agency.
Right. We’re pitching the account. We need an agency that understands us; believes in us. We need that empathy before we can move forwards...