Somme

It's become a battle of wills, the War of the Snicket.

The sandy short cut between Eastern Dubai and Sharjah has been dug up on the Sharjah side, trenches laid across all the accessible areas and earthworks pushed up either side of them. Another tranche of trenches were added to the open desert areas yesterday and sand piled up against any breaks in the fence With the berms and trenches snaking through the landscape, it looks more like the Somme than a short cut out there.

But there were a couple of routes through last night, a group of young nationals camped out by the more difficult pass, whooping with delight when people got through and waving encouragement when they got into difficulties. I must say watching a Hummer get into a stuck is quite impressive: it's the weight of the thing, a massive, slo-mo belly-flop.

There's a certain spirit to it all, a sort of "We've got a short-cut and you're not gonna block us!" indefatigable defiance. They can keep on piling up sand and digging trenches, but you'd be surprised at what a good 4WD can do in careful hands. Quite who is behind this is a mystery, though. If this is the hand of officialdom, surely a couple of bad-tempered coppers and a book of tickets would achieve in a day what this comedy has failed to achieve all week. Although I'm not sure that a 'driving on the sand' charge would stick, would it?

Having said that, the car workshops will be having a field day this weekend. There are an awful lot of car parts sticking out of the soft sand these days as tens of cars get bogged down or screw up in their quest to stay out of the long lines of traffic that glitter across Dubai and Sharjah every morning and evening.

Trial

I’m sorry to go on about the traffic, the last resort of a blog scoundrel, but I can’t help it. It’s been a fact of life ever since we first moved out to the Emirates, back when the Sharjah/Dubai road traffic could get so bad that you could be held up in queues for at least 15 minutes. Scandalous, eh?

But today’s traffic. Now, that’s really traffic. We’re talking about two hour bumper to bumper snarl-ups that are starting at 6am and lasting 3 or 4 hours. Aggressive lane-swapping, frustration and general bad-temperedness make the whole process, for those that endure it, a twice-daily joy. It’s the world’s ‘Dubai talking point’, although poor old Sharjah is fast eclipsing Dubai for sheer traffic hell, despite the RTA’s efforts.

Now Sharjah Police has closed the exit from the infamous National Paints roundabout, forcing any traffic wishing to exit the Emirates Road at that point to take the Mileha Road, which is already partially blocked by roadworks and reduced to a single lane. This then feeds up through the Univesity City, a road restricted by frequent large speed bumps. An alternative is the U-turn in front of Sharjah English school and the feeder road that goes from the previous Emirates Road junction through the industrial area and past the school. Result: a school mired in awful, dangerous levels of confused traffic. It was madness as people tried to muddle through, jostling for some way to get back to their route home.

According to Gulf News’ story on the move today, it is a ‘trial’ to ‘estimate traffic movement’.

So it was ‘a trial’ to see what would happen if you closed the congested National Paints roundabout and re-routed the traffic through roads themselves blocked by roadworks.

An experiment.

I wonder what’ll happen if I bash myself on the head repeatedly with this large meat tenderising hammer? *whamwhamwhamwham*. Interesting. It appears to be causing not inconsiderable pain...

Am I the only person around here thinking that perhaps if they had told people they were going to do this first, if they had proper signage announcing and directing the diversion and if they had announced the move to the public with an awareness campaign, then the initial consequences would have been at least slightly less traumatic?

National Paints is a fine company and its products are most excellent. But avoid its roundabout...

Revenge

The sandy snicket that provides daily relief to hundreds of 4WD owners dragging their sorry asses between Sharjah and Dubai was blocked over the weekend. Piles of sand, cones and tape and trenches have been placed across the open areas of sandy hillocks between the two emirates. Many people only found out about it on their way in to work today. And golly, was the result impressive or what!

The whole area was reduced to a scene of the most marvellous chaos you have ever seen in your life. Cars all over the place, more stucks than the Gulf News Fun Run and an incredible, huge collection of frustrated, pissed-off people bashing about in an area of increasingly churned-up, soft sand.

So that's a couple of thousand more cars joining the daily car parking fun on the Ittihad, Emirates and Dubai by-pass roads. I can't see what harm they were doing using the snicket, but who's to question the unseen hands that have decided to cut the short cuts?

There's no chance this had anything to do with me outing the guy from the RTA who uses the snicket is there? No? Oh, OK. Good. I wouldn't want that on my conscience...

Thanks

A hearfelt and awed thanks to everyone who helped out on the great authonomy adventure. Last night at around 4.12am UAE time, I sat here and watched the screen change and Space get marked out as one of the five books selected to go to a Harper Collins editor.

I'm grinning like an idiot and I think you're all wonderful.

I'll be back to my normal snarky, irascible self by tomorrow: don't you worry.

Cheers, all!

12

12 hours to go on authonomy before the top five are culled for spanking by a Harper Collins editor...

And if you haven't read Space yet, then please feel free to do so now, before it's too late!

You can read Space on authonomy by clicking on this handy, easy to use hyperlink. And if the book makes you laugh and looks like something you'd buy and read, then you can 'Bookshelf' it and vote for it to stay in the top five books to be 'cherry-picked' for review by Harper Collins' editors at midnight tonight. Believe me, your vote counts right now!

Incidentally, there's a load of other fiction by new writers in the UK, US, Europe and Australia up there, so have a poke around too and see what takes your fancy!

Try Stalking the Widowmaker by Greg Horbay for instance, or MM Bennets' epic 1812. MM Trevalean's Tartare is certainly an interesting, if unsettling read and then there's Dan Holloway's Songs from the other side of the wall, a work of literary genius. Also try Peter Booth's Their Name is Legion or Lauri Shaw's wicked Servicing the Pole! And last, but by no means least, Peter Morin's Diary of a Small Fish or Simon Betterton's Doubts.

Yes, I lied. That last post wasn't the last post. But this post is - honest! :)

Last

It's the last Post! Well, the last book post. Back to business as usual tomorrow, promise. Meanwhile, here's another shameless attempt to interest you in reading, and of course backing, that glibbest and most delightful of books, Space. Tuesday Belgravia, in the last interview she conducted during the writing of Space, talks to 'hero' Ben Johnson just before the end of the book.

Hi, Ben. Thanks for taking the time to see me. How’s it been going?
Well, as you know, I’ve been labelled Dr Death the Terrorist, my new girlfriend has died in my arms, I’ve been chased across Europe by two intelligence services and a gang of psychotic hoods, MI6 is trying to kill me, I’ve just made symbiotic love to a murderous American intelligence operative and been bombed by a stealth bomber. Apart from that, a regular day at work, I guess.

You’re just about to start writing the scene where you finally meet Kenneth Spamp, AKA Bruce Tyburn at a massive underground complex under Salisbury Plain. How are you feeling about that?
Well, I’ve obviously just discovered how much fun killing people really is, so I think at least a part of me is looking forward to putting a bullet in the bastard, but I guess we have to see how that bit goes, don’t we? At the end of the day, he’s been behind this whole mess and I owe him at least a life for Kylie’s.

You were quite fond of Kylie, weren’t you?
I was and I do think it’s a bit much of Alexander to have her coughing up her last life’s blood down my shirt. It’s no way to treat a popular character.

She was quite sexy, wasn’t she?
Yes, and a bit scatty too but I found her endearing – and of course her practicality saved my skin more than once.

Did you feel guilty that you had got jiggy with gun-happy American intelligence agent Neon when Kylie died in your arms?
Well, not really, because you have that whole symbiote thing going on, so I was seeing it through Neon’s eyes and emotional responses as well, so I really felt more like a detached disgust. Which is a shame, really.

Some people have said that you really don’t develop that much as a character. What do you have to say to that?
Well, I can’t really see that myself. I’m the central character in the book, as you know, and I do think that I am shaped by the events and circumstances around me; I’m characterised in terms of responses to situations. Let ‘em go to hell, actually. I’ll kill them.

You can’t just kill everyone, you know! You used to be a doctor!
Oh yeah, Mr. Goody Two Shoes. Stuff him, too. I enjoy killing so much more than I used to enjoy patching people up. It’s simpler and quicker, for a start.

Thank you, Dr. Ben Jonson.
Actually, you know what, bitch? Take that!

Ah! I can’t believe it! You shot me!
Ha! The end!

You can read Space online on authonomy by clicking on this handy, easy to use hyperlink. And if the book makes you laugh and looks like something you'd buy and read, then you can 'Bookshelf' it and vote for it to stay in the top five books to be 'cherry-picked' for review by Harper Collins' editors at the end of the month! There are three days to go and, believe me, your vote counts right now!

Incidentally, there's a load of other fiction by new writers in the UK, US, Europe and Australia up there, so have a poke around too and see what takes your fancy!

Try Stalking the Widowmaker by Greg Horbay for instance, or MM Bennets' epic 1812. MM Trevalean's Tartare is certainly an interesting, if unsettling read and then there's Dan Holloway's Songs from the other side of the wall, a work of literary genius.

Booked

In the penultimate post in a series of slightly embarrassing 'teasers' intended to recruit readers and backers for that glibbest and most delightful of books, Space, Tuesday Belgravia talked to one of the more charming characters in the book, Lysander Cullinane, the head of a shadowy British government disinformation operation, The Space Agency. She caught up with the posh spook in his trailer on the set of the book, during a short break in writing his final scene...

So you’ve been quite a popular character in Space. Who’s your own favourite character?
Oh, it’s got to be Eva Bartholdy. Of course, she plays a great deal greater role in the book than it seems at first. She’s a charming lady, although she does have quirks. But then we all have quirks, don’t we?

Things haven’t been going terribly well for you, have they?
No, I have to confess they have been better, old thing. It’s odd to have to admit it, but I’m even a little sad that I ever got involved with young Dr. Ben Jonson, although this really isn’t all his fault. Things have unravelled a tad, though. For a start the Russian mafia have been bugging my office, then I’ve lost a good operative in Ian Beresford. Having young Neon seconded from the Americans went pretty wrong, too. She’s a little too, um, trigger-happy, isn’t she? But she does look absolutely marvellous in a black leather catsuit, one has to admit!

And then there’s the virus...
Yes, the virus. Well, we’ve always run campaigns here at The Space Agency that have worked well in terms of disguising what’s actually going on. We’ve had some great successes: stories that have diverted attention away from the real machinations and intent of those in government. It’s important to do that, sometimes. As you know, we invented the Loch Ness Monster, spontaneous combustion, UFOs, out of body experiences. All that paranormal claptrap originated from the teams of young creatives and the massive archives we have here. We’re running most of the Internet, these days. Authonomy was one of ours, you know. Web 2.0 thinking is so exciting, don’t you think? Put the writers where you can see ‘em, that’s what we say!

You mention your archives – aren’t they based on Nazi research?
Yes, found by Kenneth Spamp in the closing weeks of World War Two. It was a treasure trove of strange stories and odd tales. The Nazis were so into that sort of astrological mumbo-jumbo! So we used it to weave our own little web of disinformation!

It's all rather complicated!
Well, the chap had over 350 pages to play with and he certainly filled them up with words. Mostly 'gun', 'blood' and 'dead' from what one can discern...

So, getting back to this virus. It’s got a bit out of control..
It has, rather, hasn’t it? Not a good day.

And the suicides.
Yes, and the suicides. Quite a few of those, aren’t there? This interview’s going to look pretty negative in print, I have to say. Well! Have you ever seen a Yeti? I have!

You’re killed in the next scene.
Yes, on a park bench by the Thames near Richmond. It’s quite a nice place to die.

Any regrets?
What? Apart from being responsible for the virus that’s locking up the country’s computers, telecoms, power and road networks; the multiple murders created by my out of control ‘minder’, the suicides of my second in command and my computer expert and the fact that the man who founded my agency is not in fact dead at all but running a super-powerful cabal of shadowy international power freaks who are reverse engineering two millennia old spaceships?

Yes.
No, no regrets at all, dear heart! It’s been a spiffing day!

Thank you, Lysander Cullinane.
Any time, my dear. Now. Have you seen that wretched Russky, Litvanoff?


You can read Space online on authonomy by clicking on this handy, easy to use hyperlink. And if the book makes you laugh and looks like something you'd buy and read, then you can 'Bookshelf' it and vote for it to stay in the top five books to be 'cherry-picked' for review by Harper Collins' editors at the end of the month! There are three days to go and, believe me, your vote counts right now!

Incidentally, there's a load of other fiction by new writers in the UK, US, Europe and Australia up there, so have a poke around too and see what takes your fancy!

Try Stalking the Widowmaker by Greg Horbay for instance, or MM Bennets' epic 1812. MM Trevalean's Tartare is certainly an interesting, if unsettling read and then there's Dan Holloway's Songs from the other side of the wall, a work of literary genius. Also try Peter Booth's Their Name is Legion or Lauri Shaw's wicked Servicing the Pole!

Plug

In the latest in a series of pathetic 'teasers' trying to recruit readers for that most wonderfully amusing of books, Space, Tuesday Belgravia caught one of the book's most popular and controversial characters, Véronique the housemaid from Vientiane, during the writing of her final scene in the book.

So you’re quite a complex character, really, aren’t you? Because you’re not a housemaid at all, really!
Yes, that’s right. I’m actually working for the Russian mafia and I’m actually spying on Dr. Ben Jonson because Ivan Litvanoff thinks he’s connected to Eva Bartholdy.

Ummm. Your accent is... well, very English! In the book you sound Asian.
That’s because I’m a RADA trained character, obviously. Did you really think that all Asian people spoke like that? I suppose you can’t tell us apart, either.

Well, no, it’s not like that, really...
I mean, you probably thought I came off the last sampan! Oh, lookie! It’s a Chinky-wink! Do that funny thing do you with slanty eyes, Derek! You want love me long time, Johnny? Ooh look, it’s Ting Tong! I mean, give me a break.

No, no, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any offense!
Make her say L! That’s always good for a laugh, isn’t it round-eye? Herro rovery rady!! Eh? Vis chicken’s rubbery! Why is it always chickens with you people as well? Like you hap chicken is you good ruck! See? You’re laughing!

Well, that is one of your lines from Space, isn’t it?
Yes and I’m less than happy about it. They’re making it into a bloody T-shirt now, you know.

Changing the subject, you get shot in this scene.
It’s scandalous. Everyone in this damn book gets shot. There’s just guns and dead people all over the place. I’m surprised anyone can write in here for the blood and gore and stuff. And, as usual, it’s not a nice clean bullet in the heart, oh no. I get my damn face blown off. I’ve worked for better authors, I can tell you!

Like who?
I just have, right?

A last question, in character if you don’t mind, what’s your favourite bit of the book?
You for real, are you? In character?

Well, yes.
Me no hap like best bit. I am fink vis whole damn book sirry. I finding vis arrixandar, I mess him up good piece rong time. There. Happy?

Thank you, Véronique
I don’t think.

You can read Space online on authonomy by clicking on this handy, easy to use hyperlink. And if the book makes you laugh and looks like something you'd buy and read, then you can 'Bookshelf' it and vote for it to stay in the top five books to be 'cherry-picked' for review by Harper Collins' editors at the end of the month! There are three days to go and, believe me, your vote counts right now!

Incidentally, there's a load of other fiction by new writers in the UK, US, Europe and Australia up there, so have a poke around too and see what takes your fancy!

Try Stalking the Widowmaker by Greg Horbay for instance, or MM Bennets' epic 1812. MM Trevalean's Tartare is certainly an interesting, if unsettling read and then there's Dan Holloway's Songs from the other side of the wall, a work of literary genius.

Camp

Tuesday Belgravia talks to Nigel, the terribly camp chap that looks after the M15 safe house that briefly shelters hero Ben Jonson and First Lady Neon Wilcox as they embark on life on the run. She caught up with Nigel as he finished the dusting preparatory to the writing of his final scene in manic comedy thriller Space.

Hi, Nigel, I understand you’re about to start on the writing of your final scene. It looks painful!
Oh, you’re telling me! It’s simply awful, really. I’ve been tied to the floor using high tensile nylon fishing line that’s been looped around my piercings and then tied to brass hooks screwed into the woodwork. And I can’t really move, to tell you the truth. It’s all very Jonathon Swift around here, I must say.

Umm. Why?
Because the Russian baddies, led by a very unpleasant chap called Ivan Litvanoff, want to know where Ben and Neon are going next. So they’re torturing me. I must say, it really is something of an imposition! I mean, I hadn’t even finished the dusting!

So where are they going?
Well that’s the problem, isn’t it my dear? I know they’re going to find someone called Rene Levesques in Paris. But that’s all I know!

Why are they going to find Rene Levesques?
Because Eva Bartholdy sent them there. I’ve known her for years, of course. She was in British intelligence in the war and she’s been something of a grand old dame to us in the ‘community’ ever since. I think she’s just wonderful and she loves my baking!

Are you going to tell the Russians where Ben’s going to, then?
Well, that would be telling, wouldn’t it? Let’s say the acid test will be whether Litvanoff finds my Prince Albert!

Prince Albert?
Honestly, I’d really rather leave it there!

Thank you, Nigel!
Oh, no, thank you. Always nice to have a chitchat!

You can read Space online on authonomy by clicking on this handy, easy to use hyperlink. And if the book makes you laugh and looks like something you'd buy and read, then you can 'Bookshelf' it and vote for it to stay in the top five books to be 'cherry-picked' for review by Harper Collins' editors at the end of the month! Incidentally, there's a load of other fiction by new writers in the UK, US, Europe and Australia up there, so have a poke around too and see what takes your fancy!

Book

I thought I’d just post up some bits and bobs from/about Space for the rest of the month just to give people a wee ‘amuse bouche’ of all the fun and frolics awaiting them if they go and read Space, that most wonderful cure for a broad spectrum of common ailments.

It's up on Harper Collins' authonomy new writer's website and I would encourage you to 'Back the book' and add your vote if the book makes you laugh and you'd buy it in a bookshop.

While you're there, take a look at Keefieboy's Tybault and Theo!

Today, reporter Tuesday Belgravia talks to Kylie Smith, sex shop worker and the love interest in Space during a break from writing the book on location in Paris.

So you’re just taking a break from writing and I think you’re just about to find Rene Levesques at a cafe in Paris, in the Marais district...
Yes, that’s the idea, I think. He’s a nice old bloke, a French gentleman, so I’m looking forward to meeting him actually. But I’ve just discovered this French drink called Montalow, at a cafe near the Pompeedoo Centre, and it’s like washing your teeth only much bigger. Sort of like doing lots of Crem de Menth shots. Have you ever had a Crem de Menth shot?

Umm, no. You’re on the run with Ben Jonson. What’s he like?
Oh, I like Ben, see. I mean, he’s not exactly the most exciting bloke in the world and everything, but I usually pull blokes with pitbulls and gold teeth what hit me, so he’s much nicer. He’s a doctor, see? I sort of fancy him. But he’s very jumpy on account of things appearing around him with a pop and some sort of secret from the war that only Mr. Levesques knows about. So Ben has to see him. It’s all very exciting for a girl like me, I only usually see sort of ASBO stuff, you know? Not international crime and that!

Fancy Ben? But didn’t you fancy Detective Inspector Ocelot?
Mr. Oscelot? Nah! Don’t be daft! I was just winding him up a bit ‘cos every time he saw my boobs he got all sweaty. He was nice, though, like a proper TV detective an’ all! Though he didn’t have a housekeeper. Do you like my boobs?

They’re very nice. Moving on, is it true that you’ve featured in a sex film?
Who told you about that? I’m not talking about that! I said I wouln’t talk about it!

Apparently you were very good in it!
(Laughs) I won’t, I was very bad in it. But I said I wouln’t talk about School of Sex!

Was that the title?
Ummm. Yes.

And what happened in it?
(sighs) Oh, you know, the usual. BJ, DP. Usual.

DP? Dom Perignon?
What? No! Look, it was just one of them arty house movies. Can we just move on?

You're a popular character in Space. Do you mind dying in the book?
Do I?

Yes. Actually, quite a lot of people do!
Oh. That’s put a bit of a damper on things, then, hasn’t it?

Didn’t you know?
Know? Of course not! Wouldn’t have taken the job if I’d known that, would I?

Thank you, Kylie, for your time.
Yeah right. Thanks for telling me I’m gonna die. Not in this scene, is it?

No
Oh. That’s alright then. I can finish me montalow at least.