Shiny Happy ID Card

Day 70 - Marmoset (Photo credit: zzathras777)

"Hi. I'm here to apply for my Shiny ID card."
"Have you filled in the form using the online application application?"
"No."
"Well, you have to do that."
"Can I just not apply here?"
"Yes. As of yesterday you can apply here, but not tomorrow."
"So why did you tell me I had to do an online application application?"
"The requirement for an online application application applies to online applications."
"So what do I do?"
"Join that long, shuffling queue of listless people there."
"The one headed for the door marked "Nowhere"?
"That's the one. Do you have three photographs of yourself countersigned by a marmoset?"
"No. I was hoping you'd tell me what I'd need as the website is very confusing and changes every day."
"You'll need those pretty sharpish, there's a deadline you know."
"What is it?"
"Yesterday."
"But there's no point in me applying then!"
"Yes there is, you'll incur fines of Dhs25 a day to a maximum of Dhs1,000. That'll be Dhs25 please."
"What for?"
"Your first day's fines."


"Okay, here we are. Three photographs countersigned by a marmoset."
"Don't be silly, marmosets can't write. We changed that requirement oh, at least an hour ago."
"Just take them. What else do you need?"
"Your passport, passport copy, visa, visa copy and the online application printed out. Two copies of a copy of your copy copy and three pinches of peppermint snuff."
"There we go!"
"Right. Join that queue then. You've got plenty of time."
"I thought there was a deadline?"
"It got extended again."
"So what happens now?"
"Join the queue. At the end of the queue is a man who'll send you to another queue."
"Can't I just join the other queue straight away?"
"No. There's a system."


"Okay, I've queued for hours, punched and stamped my papers, I've been bioscanned and now I've finally got the card. What can I use it for?"
*blank look*

Amazing backstory linked here.

Qatar Fire Arrests.

English: Entrance number 3 of Villagio Mall, Doha. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The appalling tragedy at Qatar's Villagio Mall has caught people's attention for a number of reasons. Thirteen children died in the fire, nineteen in total. There are heartrending human stories still emerging - including the firefighter found dead with two children in his arms and the teacher who texted her aunt to tell her she was dying.

Many of the injured were firefighters, who point to a faulty sprinkler system, a lack of maps showing emergency exits and other issues with the mall's safety procedures. Part of the regional resonance of the story is few people here believe that health and safety is taken seriously in malls and other public places.

Yesterday, Qatar's attorney general ordered the arrest of the mall's owner, the owner of the nursery in the mall and the mall's manager, assistant manager and assistant director of security.

The chairman of Villagio Mall is Mr. Abdul Aziz Mohammed Al-Rabban, a widely respected local businessman (a partner in Virgin Megastore retail group Azadea) and Undersecretary of the Emiri Protocol at the Emiri Diwan. The owner of the Gympanzee day care and play centre is Iman Al Kuwari, the daughter of Qatar’s Minister of Culture, Arts and Heritage.

With enormous global media attention on the fire, Qatar's authorities are under pressure to act in this matter and the arrest of two major public figures is an interesting development. While it is conceivable that the mall owner could be held responsible if it is shown that he deliberately cut corners, ignored warnings from staff and so on, it's more likely reasonable to assume that a management team in place would be responsible for these details.

Similarly, Al Kuwari apparently threw herself into the blaze to try and rescue children from a daycare and activity centre she set up very publicly in January 2009 - the Socal Affairs Ministry and Supreme Education Council have been quick to wash their hands of it (yet had three years to ask any questions they might have found relevant), but the business appears to have been duly licensed by the Ministry of Business and Trade to be 'a centre for children's amusements'. It's hard to see how she's put a foot wrong.  (One interesting side show is that a very slick and well-orchestrated pro-Al Kuwari campaign has started, possibly so well orchestrated that it could just backfire!)

If these high profile figures are exonerated, I can see the howls of 'whitewash' ringing out. And yet surely the answers are likely to be found lower down the food chain, with the people entrusted with the day to day operation, security and safety at the mall?

It's certainly a wake-up call for mall managers and operators here in the UAE. It's such a shame it took nineteen deaths to make it.

It's All About M.E.

Sheikh Saeed Al Maktoum House at night (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, not me, M.E.. Gulf News describes him as a 'social media activist', but it would appear the mysterious M.E. is more active at getting himself into hot water by flaring people.

Newspapers here refer to those standing before the majesty of the courts by their initials to protect their identities. It's all part of the Emirati culture of respect, which is also the reason why insulting someone here can land you in very hot water indeed. Coming from the UK, where respect has pretty much been kicked off the national agenda, people sometimes find it hard to get their heads around this one, so for instance we have the expat who spent a month in chokey followed by deportation (tax free career over) for flipping the digit at the police patrol that'd pulled him over. He'd obviously never heard of mirrors.

M.E. is the chap who spent a couple of months in nick accused of defaming Dubai Chief of Police Dahi Khalfan Tamim. With a keen eye for an exquisite revenge, Dahi pardoned the man as his case finally came to court. Now he looks set to go back behind bars after a Facebook flare-up with journalist  D.H.

Dubai Court was told, according to triffic tabloid 7Days, that M.E. had told D.H., formerly (as was M.E.) a worker at Dubai Municipality, "You developed from sewage to a critic". M.E. counter-charged that D.H. had said, “Behave or I will wipe your dignity on the floor." and also "Know your borders and don’t force me to publish your laundry on the internet, facebook, Twitter and BlackBerry. Don’t lie and don’t try to become a hero.”

Now I don't know about you lot, but on the Greatest Insults Of All Time scale and applying the Trollometer, I wouldn't have ranked that little spat as court-worthy, or even noteworthy, but then you do have to bear in mind there is a very different cultural agenda at work here. Despite several attempts to arbitrate between the pair, the judge finally threw up his hands and sent 'em to Al Slammer to cool down.

One is rather left wondering if perhaps M.E. will now tread a more moderate path on Facebook...

ADNOC To The Rescue!

English: Emarat gas station, Masfut just west of Hatta city, UAE (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Remember PetrolGate, the amazing story of how an oil-producing nation ran out of petrol? And the embarrassing silence of ENOC/EPPCO regarding the closure of its petrol stations in the Northern Emirates?


It's linked here for your viewing pleasure.

Now there's a new and fascinating twist to the tale. The Abu Dhabi National Oil Company, ADNOC, has signed an MoU with major retailer Emarat to acquire 74 of its 100 petrol stations across the Northern Emirates (Sharjah, Ajman, Umm Al Qawain, Ras Al Khaimah and Fujeirah).

ADNOC is the only fuel company in the UAE to refine its own petroleum, so it can sell petrol profitably at the UAE's subsidised prices, while the others have to buy their petrol on the international market. This means they were actually losing money for every litre of fuel they pumped.

Just in case readers living elsewhere in the world are interested, we currently pay Dhs 1.72 per litre or $0.47 or, if you prefer, £0.30. It's why I like chatting to London cabbies about how much it costs me to fill a Shogun (the Pajero is called a Shogun in Europe, one suspects because of a little Spanish accident). They're always cheery souls and it does them good to hear me chat about filling a 4WD for under twenty quid.

ENOC found it preferable to close its 51 petrol stations in the Northern Emirates rather than go on selling motion lotion at a loss. That loss cost the Government of Dubai (which owns ENOC) a cool $1.5 billion up to the end of last year.

ENOC's handling of the whole thing eventually led to the Government of Sharjah taking the unusual step of closing down all of ENOC/EPPCOs retail operations in the Emirate.

Amusingly, The National reports the news on the front page of its business section today, adding the detail,

"Like Emarat, Enoc has responded to losses by cutting its exposure in the Northern Emirates. It handed over its petrol stations outside Dubai to Adnoc last July."

This news was actually 'categorically denied' by ENOC last year when Gulf News originally ran the story of ENOC's Northern Emirates stations being taken over by ADNOC. The categorical denial was unusual, coming from a company that had maintained a policy of mendacity followed by radio silence.

Meanwhile, ADNOC will now operate a total of 224 petrol stations throughout the UAE. Profitably.

Lazy Words

Words have a power all their own (Photo credit: Lynne Hand)

One of the things you have to try and avoid if you have a nasty writing habit like mine is becoming a Word Nazi. When words become so much a part of your life, it's hard to maintain your sense of perspective I can tell you (in fact, this whole post is probably proof I'm losing mine!).

It's amazing what a difference they can make to our understanding of a text and, indeed to our emotional response to text. I spoke recently at a two-day seminar at the UAE University in Al Ain on narrative and was fascinated to hear of the projects being undertaken by two members of the Humanities faculty in the cognitive impact of words.

I'm currently editing Beirut, the step before unleashing it on 'beta readers' and then on my long-suffering editor, Robb Grindstaff. And I've just been doing a search and replace on the lazy words in the text. What are 'lazy words'? They're the words you use when you haven't really thought about the text, the words you dash down as you rush to get that scene on paper (well, storage) while it's still fresh and vibrant.

Take, for instance, 'looked'.

Lynch looked up into the hills, the sky above bright blue above the dusty foothills dotted with gnarled trees. The clean air smelled of heat, an unseasonably warm Mediterranean spring day.

How about:

Lynch stared into the hills, the sky above bright blue, the dusty foothills dotted with gnarled trees. The clean air smelled of heat, an unseasonably warm Mediterranean spring day.

Looked up is common too. They're hills, of course you'd look up into them, so you can lose the up. You can usually find better words or ways of communicating that he walked, stood, went, came and sat, too.

Some lazy words point to a bigger problem than just finding a better descriptor and lead to a sentence or two actually being cut or changed drastically to make the point better. Realised and remembered are two good examples, both are words that often point to a lazy 'tell not show' sentence, as does understood. Comprehension dawning is so rarely mundane as 'he understood'. The daddy of them all is 'suddenly' - there's a word that almost always points to a sentence that needs rethought.

Most sentences can be improved by exterminating that. It's remarkable how much we use this word and how little we actually need to use it. It's the gluten of vocabulary.

the keys to a political career that Michel had lost no time in developing.

the keys to a political career Michel had lost no time in developing.

Try it. You can get rid of a lot of that's before finding that you actually need one.

None of these are by any means hard and fast, but they're good words to search out and reconsider. Does your sentence really fizzle or does it just 'make do'?

As I'm on the subject, I'm also struggling with the book's title. Like Olives before it, Beirut has always been called just that and I'm finding it very hard indeed to find any other name for the book. Which is a shame, because there's not only already a book called Beirut (Samir Kassir's excellent history of that fine city) but a reasonably popular band too. So Beirut's SEO is going to suck.

And I fear there's little I can do about it...

Poo Smells Shock Horror

English: The Sewage treatment plant next to International City (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blog posts are like taxis, I find. You sit around for ages waiting in the wilderness and then fifteen come all at once.

Among the many sources of amused inspiration today come two very different stories inspired by Dubai property developer Nakheel. The company is, by no means for the first time, embroiled in negative coverage of its iconic Palm devlopment, where tenants are yet again having facilities withdrawn from them by the developer because the owners of the properties haven't paid service fees.

I did a 'shiny' post about this one before, but it seems insane to me that tenants should bear the brunt of the developer's ire when they are clearly not to blame and in no position to influence owners. The police came along and told the developer's people not to be silly and so calm was, at least, temporarily restored.

The kicker for me was Gulf News' story about residents of International City (another Nakheel development) complaining about the smell from the Al Awir Sewage Works.

Hang on. You decided to move to a location that is quite clearly smack bang next to Dubai's biggest poo farm, just downhill (and therefore downstream) from a ginormous great landfill and now you're complaining that it's smelly? The 25 year old plant manages over 300,000 cubic metres of waste a day. This is the place where, in the mad boom years, hundreds of tankers would queue up for kilometres to unload. There's no mistaking it - it's quite clearly a place that does what it says on the label.

The plant's management has been working gamely to reduce the odour from the works and claims they have made a 98% reduction through various upgrades and odour-reducing technologies. And there's little doubt they are to be warmly applauded for that effort.

One resident told GN, "The smell has reduced, but still it has not stopped. We hope that the authorities are able to stop it from all sources in this area and we are able to breathe fresh air."

So there we have two sides to the coin. One bunch of residents being treated unfairly through no fault of their own. And one bunch whingeing about something they must surely have been aware of from the first moment they arrived in the area for a 'look see'.

Incidentally, and apropos of not very much, I once lived near a place called Billing in Northamptonshire. A natural depression in the English Midlands means the average rainfall on Northampton is higher than elsewhere in the country. It can be a dreary, awful place in the Winter months. Billing was notable for two things. A very large sewage treatment plant and the Billing Aquadrome, which was a caravan park.

I always wondered how awful the place you lived in must be in order that you'd consider a caravan in a land-locked, rainy depression wafted with the constant, awful miasma from a shit farm  as a holiday destination. And then, one day, it hit me. They must all live in tropical paradises and Billing was their 'change is good as a rest'...

Kidon - You're Kidding!

Nightscape of the high-rise section of Dubai, Unitd Arab Emirates. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When the facts of a matter are uncomfortable, you can always give them the Hollywood treatment.

7Days reports today on the making of a new film set in Dubai, called 'Kidon'. The film is a fictionalisation of the events around the now infamous 'hit' on Hamas' Mahmoud Al Mabhouh, carried out in Dubai by a large team of Israeli intelligence operatives using third country passports.

Mossad got caught with its pants truly down by Dubai police, which operates a large and sophisticated camera network - from the second you land to the moment you leave here, you're under some sort of surveillance, as the boys and girls from Tel Aviv found when their fake identities were compromised following Mabhouh's extra-judicial murder. Dubai police amassed almost 650 hours of footage as it tracked the movement of the gang. This caused a great deal of embarrassment to Israel, which had previously undertaken to stop using third country passports - of the 29 suspects Dubai Police identified, 12 had British, six Irish and four Australian passports. All three countries subsequently expelled Israeli diplomats. In the case of the British passports, all were found to belong to Israeli residents with dual nationality. In all, a great deal of information was unearthed about Mossad's operations (including the payment systems they used), much of which we must assume has been kept private and quietly used as currency between various agencies.

And so now we have 'Kidon', an Israeli-French film by Emmanuel Naccache which will dramatise the killing of Mabhouh, including the interesting plot twist that he wasn't actually killed by Mossad but by a 'small time gang' which is attempting to frame Mossad. Kidon (Hebrew for bayonet) is the name of Mossad's assassination and kidnap arm.

Neatly, the plot twist maintains that precious 'purity of arms'. At the same time, the story's also been changed to have Al Mabhouh lured to his end by a seductress. So he gets nicely smeared, too. In fact, as the film (which is set post-hit) unfolds, we find that Mossad was completely innocent and the shadowy forces behind the gang that actually carried out the operation are... Iranian.

The film, tellingly, is not being shot in Dubai. Oh, no. It's being shot in Eilat with an all-Israeli cast. So you can expect lots of fake sheikhs, idiotic Arabs and camel-riding caricatures. And, most wonderful of all, it's a comedy. About a murder. Nice.

School Holidays Clarified With 'Flexibility'.

passport stamps from the UAE. Entry via Dubai, exit via Abu Dhabi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As predicted in my previous post, we now have 'clarity' on the school holidays ruling, at least in Dubai.

Today's papers carry the news that Dubai's elegantly named educational regulator, the Knowledge and Human Develpment Authority or KHDA, has clarified its stance on the unified holiday previously announced by the Abu Dhabi based Ministry of Education. That announcement, the clarity of which was discussed here, meant international schools in the UAE would have been forced to follow the same holidays as the UAE's government schools. This was not particularly workable, not least because international schools have different exam dates, curricula and, in the case of Indian schools, even school years.

Of course, consulting the schools themselves before announcing draconian changes would have perhaps saved some time and effort (other Emirates still await clarity, let us not forget - the KHDA regulates Dubai alone), but would have far less entertainment value.

To sum up the KHDA's 'clarification'? "Ignore the previous announcement".

Right. Thanks for that. Moving on...

Five

Birthday Cake (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It's the Arab Media Forum 2012 today. So what? I hear you mutter.

Well, this silly little blog was born five years ago during the Arab Media Forum 2007, with this post in fact, 'Lebanese Takeaway'. The eagle-eyed among you will spot the post was, in fact, dated the 24th April rather than May 8th, but that's a minor detail. It's the Arab Media Forum Calendar rather than the precise date we're following here.

For the benefit of anyone wot gives a hoot, this here post on how to speak Arabic in ten words is the most popular thing I've ever posted here and the post still gets a smattering of hits every day from people searching for "What does Akid in Arabic mean?" and similar queries. It means you're never going to see that shipment, mate. That's what it means.

I'm mildly amazed I've kept it going this long, to tell you the truth. I started out originally because I missed writing and was in an 'in-between' phase with the nasty book writing habit. That and I was getting increasingly interested in digital media at work and had been experimenting with Wikis and other online things. I had a mild dislike for the 'anonybloggers' of the time and felt quite strongly that if you had an opinion, then you should have the guts to express it openly.

In all this time I have never been cautioned, 'yanked' or otherwise approached or pressured by any entity, government or commercial. This has also been a source of mild, if pleasant, surprise - and a glance back at the archives tells me that I have on occasion been more intemperate on occasion than I recall today!

Anyway, there it is. Thanks for dropping by and for wiping the handbasin when you've finished for the convenience of other passengers.

Blocked

road_block.jpg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(This here piece is wot started me off)

"I'm trying to park my car, but the parking bay's been blocked."
"Yes, that's right."
"What on earth do you mean? The parking bay came with my Shoreline Shiny!"
"Control and regulation of the Shoreline car parks is essential for the protection, security, safety and wellbeing of residents."
"What in heaven's name are you babbling about? I've got a car full of shopping and I want to get to my Shiny!"
"You can't. It's been blocked."
"Look, I know that, it's why I'm in your office talking to you! Unblock it!"
"Careful with that temper now, sir - remember last time I had to mace you."
"Unblock my parking space, for pity's sake! Whatever happened to a distinguished life of leisure and relaxation by the blue waters of the Arabian Gulf?"
"We can't. It's the regulations. We have the right to regulate car park access and will take all legal steps to do so. Owners who have paid their service charges and collected their cards have nothing to worry about. However, as we have said many times before, people who have paid their service fees cannot be expected to continue to subsidise those who have not."
"Why are you reading from that piece of paper?"
"I'm not. Look, I sympathise, really I do, but your landlord has clearly not paid his maintenance obligations, so we've had to block your space to make him pay."
"I don't get this. How does hurting me get him to pay?"
"We're obviously depending on you hurting him in turn."
"I can't, can I? He doesn't even live in Dubai. What can I do? Refuse to pay the rent? Then he'll evict me."
"Not our problem, really, is it? Anyway, car parks are not part of the sales agreement."
"You mean like the beaches? What about the roads, do I have the right to use those or are you going to withdraw them as well?"
"There's no call for sarcasm, sir. You'll have to lobby your landlord."
"What if I lobby you? Because you're here and he's not and I really don't see why your dispute with him should involve me!"
"We're only the master developer. You'll have to talk to your landlord. Now move along, sir, there's a queue of people behind you who want to complain as well - as we have said many times before, we don't see why one tenant complaining should expect to stop other tenants complaining who have not."
"Unblock my parking space!"
"Lalalalalalala."

(Shiny posts passim)