Oh Noes, My Shiny!

"Hi. I've come to collect my Shiny."
"Ah yes, it's you. Come in. Sit down. Tea? Coffee?"
"Neither thanks. Just my Shiny."
"Sure, sure, no problem. Just give me a second to get organised here. You sure you wouldn't like a drink? Mirinda? Teem?"
"No. No drinks thanks. Just my Shiny."
"Ahahahaa. Yes. Right. One tick then. Judith? Judith? Oh, where has that blasted girl gone. Here. Try one of these."
"What are they?"
"Dates. Traditional welcome from the mystical orient. I've got some ghawa around here somewhere. Just so that you can taste a little Arab hospitality."
"Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't want tea or coffee, Mirinda or Teem, dates or khawa. I just want my Shiny."
"Yes, yes, I know. Everyone gets so excitable about these things. I don't know. Ah! Here she is! And there you are!"
"Thank you, what's this?"
"Why, it's a nmkl pjkl ftmch of course!"
"But I don't want a nmkl pjkl ftmch. I want my shiny."
"That is your shiny. It looks like a shiny, feels like a shiny doesn't it?"
"Well, no. It looks like a nmkl pjkl ftmch. And feels like one. It's not as shiny. And why is there a string attached to it?"
"So we can stay attached to it. We'll take it back if you try and alter it or do anything with it we don't like. that's the big difference between shinies and nmkl pjkl ftmchs, really."
"But I bought a bloody Shiny from you, a proper shiny Shiny with 'Dare to dream' and 'Live to love in a graceful fairytale' and 'Your desert paradise comes to life' plastered all over it."
"It's the same thing, stop being so obdurate. It's no different."
"Except it's called a nmkl pjkl ftmch and it's got strings attached to it."
"Stop complaining."
"I will not stop complaining. I bought a Shiny from you, where is it?"
"I don't think you're making things any better for yourself you know. You'll be running out of time soon."
"Out of time?"
"Yes, you can only stay here two minutes at a time. After that we have to jab you with needles and take money from you."
"But I bought a Shiny!"
"No you didn't, you bought a nmkl pjkl ftmch. And if you don't like it..."
Omnes: "You can always leave!"

(If you want more Shiny dialogues, they're here and here and even here.)

Dubai

“Hello. I want to get a refund on this Shiny.”
“We don’t give refunds.”
“Well, I want one. It’s no good.”
“No good? What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s not shiny anymore. It was just painted with an incredibly thin layer of shiny stuff. It’s all dull underneath and my kids have become ill playing with it.”
“We never told you it was shiny all the way through!”
“You said it was iconic and dared me to dream of a new future.”
“That was our advertising agency. They made us say that.”
“You didn’t mean it?”
“Yes! No. Well, we meant it at the time.”
“At the time you painted this Shiny with a thin layer of cheap paint that you knew would wear off.”
“Well, yes. But we didn’t make you buy it.”
“You promised it would stay Shiny!”
“We didn’t! We just showed you what it would be like if it stayed Shiny!”
“You didn’t tell me it wouldn’t stay shiny and that it would make my family ill. And you didn’t tell me I’d have to pay lots of extra money every year, either.”
“You didn’t ask. Anyway, nobody else is complaining!”
“What about all the people holding broken Shinys in the queue behind me?”
“They’re not complaining. They’re queuing for identity cards.”
“I want a refund.”
“Look. If you promise to shut up about your damn Shiny and causing trouble with the people behind you, we’ll re-spray your Shiny.”
“But it’ll just wear off again!”
“No it won’t. We’ve got a new type of paint. It stays Shiny for ever.”
“Really?”
“Yup.”
“How can I trust you?”
“We’ve got a regulator now. We were a free market laissez faire economy before. Now we’re a regulated market. You can trust us.”
“Oh, OK then. I’ll go for the respray.”
“Cool. Great. When do you want to give us your kidney?”
“My kidney?”
“Sure.”
“But why should I give you my kidney?”
“Well, dah, numbnut! You didn’t think Shiny resprays were free did you?”
“But you just said you’d respray my Shiny if I didn’t make trouble!”
“We changed our mind on account of the global recession.”

Dubai Real Estate Boom Bubble Flashback

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"Ah, there you are! Come in! Come in! Have a seat. Fancy a Fanta? Teem? Mirinda? Sprite?"
"I'll have a water please."
"Sure. Masafi do you? Sorry about the bottle, it's one of those annoying flimsy new ones that's worse than a paper bag. There, see? You've got water all over yourself now. Those skinny lids don't fit too well, I know."
"That's fine, thanks. Look, it's about this new Shiny you're selling."
"Oh, yes. Shiny 2.0! It's brilliant. You can dare to dream of a fulfilment of your desert lifestyle as you tantalise your ultimate desires with an abundance of urban satisfaction."
"Yes, that's the one. How is it different to the old Shiny?"
"Different? Oh, my dear boy, it's a leap - a quantum leap, I should say. We're back and it's official - there are crowds of people scuffling to get their hands on the new Shiny 2.0. Simply flocks of them. We've had to put pit bull terriers on our stand at Cityscape just to keep the masses in check. Shiny 2.0 has got what the market wants, no doubt about it. We've made a few changes along the way as we've refined the product for today's discerning buyer, of course."
"Like what?"
"Well, we've dropped the Falkirk Wheel and the life sized model of Mount Everest and the working volcano with real lava. It's a simpler, more effective product. And it's regulated, look."
"You've just put on a cap that says 'regulator' on it."
"That's the one. Your quality guarantee."
"So what about the bubble?"
"What bubble?"
"The one that burst in 2008 taking away the aspirations, hopes and dreams of thousands of unwary investors who rushed to buy something they didn't understand from people that weren't interested in helping them understand anything beyond how to write a blank cheque?"
"Hahaha! Oh, you're such a cynic and I do like that in you. There was a global financial crisis dear chap, not a bubble. There was no bubble. It never happened. Lalalalala. Anyway, moving on, how many Shiny 2.0s do you want?"
"Well I swore I'd never buy another one after the first one went dull and my kids got sick and you stopped me from watching my TV or planting red flowers in my garden..."
"Ah, those were the times, eh? All water under the bridge now. Shiny 2.0 is going up 50% in value year on year, you know. It's got a fingerprint sensor, too. You'll need to get in quick before you lose out to the rest of the market. Have you seen the skyline? Isn't it marvellous? The cranes are back!"
"But what about how it was before? The mad traffic, the groaning infrastructure?"
"It's all coming back! Isn't it just glorious? We're going to make fortunes! We're back at the brunch tables and they're simply groaning! Nomnomnom as they say. Here - have some Bolly! I'll get the hog saddled up."
"You learnt nothing didn't you? It's as if the past five years never happened."
"What five years? Here you go, just sign here. It's a perfect plot, right next to the lakes and near to the shopping centre we're building on top of that old monument thingy that had to go. We'll move the plot on you by the time it's built and it'll be a three bed instead of a five bed, but you know that this time around. You'll have so much less to complain about, in fact."
"Okay, I signed. What about my old Shiny?"
"Rent it! You'll be living off the rental income and then some the way things are going. Through the roof, rents are! Do you want us to tell you who you can rent it to, how much you can charge and what your tenants are allowed to do in their home?"
"No, not really."
"Shame, that. Because that's precisely what we're going to do. Have a nice Shiny!!!"

(Old Shiny posts linked here for your listening pleasure)

A Buffed And Shiny Shiny

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"I thought I told my secretary..."
"It's okay, I lied. I told her there was a ladder in her stockings and while she was checking, I popped in."
"So what's the problem now?'
"No problem. I called in just to say thank you so much for selling me my Shiny."
"Ah, here's my secretary now. No, it's okay, Joyce, you can tell security to stand down. We'll only be a minute here. Yes, I know he lied. No, there isn't a ladder in your stockings. Right, what's this about being pleased with your Shiny? You've done nothing but complain since the day you bought it."
"Well, let's face it, you've done nothing but move the goalposts since the day I bought it. But I haven't come to talk about that. I've come to say thank you."
"Well, I'm speechless. What can I say? It has been our pleasure."
"And I brought you these chocolates. There's no need to look so suspicious, they're not poisoned or anything. Honestly, you can try the first one on Joyce."
"So what's gone so right then?"
"Well, for a start property prices are on the up! Almost 22% this year, the highest rise in property values in the world! Isn't that great? If this keeps going for another couple of years, my Shiny will be shiny again and worth what I paid for it!"
"That's great news. Of course, we always knew that would happen. Just stick with us and you'll be alright, laddie. Live your dreams out in your sunshine lifestyle and leave the rest to us."
"And if that's not good enough, it's official - we're in the fourteenth happiest place on earth! Isn't that cool?"
"Very cool. Just dream of happiness and your exclusive tailored community dream can live rampant again in your most fruitful fantasy. I'm overjoyed at your pleasure. Would you like to buy another Shiny?"
"Umm, no thanks. I'm pleased but not that pleased."
"Go on. You know it makes sense. Live to love to dream to beam! The value can only go up and they're undervalued at the moment. Plus, you know exactly what you're getting now. Ensure your family's enchanted rapture in a celebration of being! We've got regulation and everything."
"Look, enjoy the chocolates. I'll just nip off now. Thanks for everything."
"Come on! Special offer on Shinies! Roll up! Roll up! Dream pleasure sensual relax lovely muffins! Extra shine and a free Duster! It's a car, you know, not those yellow clothy things."
"I've got to run. Cheers all the same. Bye!"
"Funny chap. Everyone else is clamouring for new shiny Shinies. Oh well!"

My Shiny

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

(You might find it helps to read this first!)

"What's that on your shiny?"
"It's a flag. It's because the World Cup is on. I'm supporting my team."
"That's not allowed. Take it off."
"Why? It's my shiny. You sold it to me. You said I had to dare to dream, live to love, enjoy a new lifestyle of freedom and joy with my family. You said that I would build my dreams of the future in an iconic luxury community that redefined living."
"It's the rules."
"But it's mine! You said I was free to hold it. I'm a shiny owner, not just a borrower. I paid you good money to own a shiny!"
"They're not that expensive, you know."
"They're not now, but they were when I bought it. But bought it I did, outright and it's mine! I know my rights, I do!"
"Have you seen those Sharp Quattron ads on the TV? The really annoying ones with the smug looking guy from Star Trek?"
"Yeees. What's that got to do with me having rights?"
"Just imagine the way he says this: Well, actually, you don't. We can tell you what to do. What TV you watch, what colour you paint your shiny. Whether you put flags on it. Even what newspaper you can read, if the whim or fancy takes us. All sorts of stuff, in fact. That's the deal."
"The deal was freehold."
"The deal was shut up. You've got a shiny. Be happy. Now go away and blow a vuvuzela. But quietly. And not after 9pm."

A Shiny Car No More

"Oh hello, it's you. My secretary said it was a Mr Brown."
"I gave her a false name. You were busy for three days solid when I was using my real name."
"She said you wanted to buy a Shiny. But you've already got a Shiny."
"Like I said. You wouldn't see me."
"So you're not buying a Shiny."
"No."
"You're just coming to complain about your old Shiny, aren't you?"
"On the nail, I must say."
"Right. Out with it then."
"You've arrested my gardener for washing my car."
"I should hope so, too. If he was washing cars, he should be an accredited car washer."
"Well, he's not. He's a gardener. But he washes cars on the side. It's been a perfectly satisfactory arrangement for years now and I don't see why a real estate developer is able to dictate who does and does not wash my car."
"We've only got your best interests at heart, you know. This sort of criminality usually starts small, but there's no knowing where it'll end up. Nip it in the bud, we say. Gardeners garden, car washers car wash."
"But there are no car washers. I'd have to take it to a petrol station and pay Dhs30 to get it washed. The gardener washes it every day for a hundred dirhams a month. Why are you even getting involved in the who or how of washing my car?"
"We're the developer. We're responsible for contractors and services."
"But you're just restricting us all the time. You said we could dare to dream and live to love with an executive lifestyle in the heart of the new economic miracle! You said it was about the freedom to live a life of dreams. But I can only have my shiny painted Dubai beige, I can't have my own satellite dish, I have to use your telecom provider, your gardeners, your contractors and your maintenance company. Where are the freedoms? I can't even get my car washed the way I want."
"I'm sorry, but the law's the law. He's an illegal car washer moonlighting out of company hours and we won't have it. You're lucky we don't fine you for employing illegal labour."
"I suppose you'll be telling me I can't plant this tree in my garden next."
"What tree?"
"The new palm tree my gardener's planted."
"Oh, that'll have to come out. He's not an approved gardening contractor."
"HE'S MY GARDENER!"
"I thought you said he was washing your car?"
"He was."
"Well, he'd be a car washer, then. Right lads, come on, back it up. We'll have this thing uprooted in no time! You'd better pop indoors and have a nice cup of tea and calm down. Meanwhile, we'll have your grassy patch back to the approved uniform green sward in no time."

(Blame this story here)

Shiny Maintenance

Image via Wikipedia
"I've met some other people with Shinies and they're not happy either."
"Take no notice. They're just trouble makers and whingers. Stand for your individuality, that's what we say. In fact, it was one of our advertising slogans."
"You mean along with 'Dare to Dream', 'Live Life Lavishly' and 'Sequestrate Your Passions'?"
"Yeah, all that too."
"Well, fact of the matter is we want to form an association. What's so funny?"
"Ohh, wow, forgive me. Sorry, hang on a second. Just. Need. To. Regain. Control."
"I'm not joking, you know, so you can stop that laughing right now."
"Sorry, sorry. Just something caught in my throat. An association? You've got no right."
"Yes we do, under the Strata Law."
"Oh, that old hokum. Forget it, it'll never happen. Why do you want an association anyway? Far better to deal with us direct. I could do you a special discount, you know. As long as you don't tell the others."
"Discount? You've just put up the maintenance charges by over 100%! I never even knew when I bought my Shiny that I'd have to pay you through the nose - and whatever you arbitrarily decide to charge me, at that. Now the recession's cut down on revenue from new buildings, you're just gouging us to make up for it!"
"Hold it right there, hot-shot. You bought a Shiny from us fair and square and signed a contract to boot, so don't go saying we didn't tell you this or we didn't tell you that."
"You didn't tell us that when you said freehold it really meant youarefruct."
"Usufruct."
"Whatever. You didn't tell us that you were going to set what colour we had to paint our flats, what TV channels we could watch or what phone provider we had to have. And you didn't tell us you were going to charge us so much for maintentance, either. There's plenty more you didn't tell us, too. How about-"
":Look, is this going anywhere? You're constantly complaining about your Shiny, but there it is, good as new. And Shiny, too!"
"It's not Shiny anymore. Not since you painted it that Dubai Beige colour."
"Alright, alright. You can have your association, okay? Now can you just leave my office?"
"When?"
"As soon as possible. We'll start working on the paperwork right away."
"Really?"
"Really. Trust us. We won't let you down. Just leave your passport and we'll take care of things."
"Wow! Thanks!"
"Don't mention it."

(More info on today's GN story here!)

Overhead At The Radio Station

Big Shiny Tunes 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"Hello, didn't expect to see you here!"
"Well, you know, like to pop in and say hi now and then. How's tricks?"
"Fine, thanks, bumping along quite nicely, actually."
"How's the Shiny?"
"Oh, you know, can't really complain. Because every time I do your secretary drops the line."
"Oh, gosh. Sorry to hear that. I'll have a word with her. Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about Shinies."
"Oh, right?"
"No. I came to talk to you about Ferris wheels."
"Ferris wheels? You mean like big wheels? The London Eye and all that? Why are you wincing?"
"If we could avoid talking about The Competition, that'd be great."
"Competition? For what?"
"The Dubai Eye of course. The world's largest Ferris wheel. It's going ahead. 210 metres of rotating circular wonderfulness with a ginormous LCD screen displaying premium advertising. It's a beezer scheme. We reckon it's worth a good three million tourists a year. What a marvel, eh?"
"Well, yes, I suppose so."
"Only there's a problem."
"Really? I'm not sure how I can help with that sort of thing. I do radio, not Ferris wheels."
"Well, that's the point, actually. It's your radio station. We can't have two Dubai Eyes, you see? And I'm afraid 103.8 is going to have to, well, you know, rebrand."
"Rebrand? But we're Dubai Eye Radio! The UAE's first and only talk radio station! We're news! Talk! Sport! We've been called Dubai Eye for simply ages! We were here first!"
"Yes, yes, all very interesting. But we've called the big wheel Dubai Eye and you're going to have to change. You can't have two Dubai Eyes when people Google us, let alone look us up on Google maps. We want 'em to be offshore from JBR, not hooning around out by Arabian Ranches."
"Call it something else. Weren't you going to call it the Great Dubai Wheel? Call it that again!"
"Look, that's a project that got cancelled. We don't go raking up Projects That Got Cancelled, right? It might remind people of the Shinies that didn't get finished. You're just going to have change your radio station's name and that's that. In fact, we want to help, so we've picked a name for you. You don't have to thank me, it's all part of the service. They're putting up the new signs outside now, actually."
"This is all rather out of the blue, I must say. Change our name to what?"
"Dubai Ear."
"Are you mad? Dubai Ear? That's the worst thing I've heard since the last ad break!"
"Well you are a radio station. Never quite saw eye to eye with the whole Dubai Eye thing myself. Dubai Ear is much more appropriate for a radio station. The listeners will be all ears! Hahaha! Geddit? "
"What if we hate the idea?"
"Oh come, come. Here are your new business cards. You'll get used to it. We've had a production company in London do you all new sweepers and stuff. 'Dubai Ear. You'll love what you hear!' Great isn't it?"
"You're barmy, you are. Completely barmy."
"Calm down, now. You'd hate to find your Shiny's been painted pink again because of a new Mandatory Pinking Order. Have a nice day. And give my best to the team at Dubai Ear, will you?"

(Part of an occasional series of Shiny dialogues. What's a Shiny? You'll have to read these to find out! :)

30 Days

"Hi. Thanks for coming in to see us."
"Well, I was coming anyway. My Shiny's going dull again."
"That was actually the reason we asked to see you."
"Oh, cool. You're going to respray it again like last time it went dull?"
"Umm, no, not in so many words. We want it back."
"What do you mean, you want it back? No. It's mine. I bought it from you in the first place."
"Yes, but we want it back. You have to leave now and we want the Shiny back."
"But I don't want to leave. I invested everything I have here when you sold me the Shiny."
"That's the rules. What can we do?"
"But you said the Shiny would be a dream for life. That it was my gateway to new possibilities. You said I could relax in an iconic oasis of calm and dare to believe in my prosperous future. You said that I could dream a dream of dreamy dreams!"
"That was before the credit crisis. Now we all have to face economic realities."
"You said the Shiny would be mine forever!"
"We didn't. It's here in the small print, under redundancy. See?"
"But you didn't tell me that."
"We did. It's your memory at fault, that's what it is. Unless you've got something in writing?"
"No, of course not. Nobody even thought about redundancy when you sold me the Shiny."
"Well, we don't like to lecture, but perhaps you'd be better off by planning for the future rather than wandering around with your head in the clouds dreaming."
"What am I going to do now?"
"To be honest, that's not really our problem. We only work within the law."
"What law?"
"Our law."
"You're making it up as you go along."
"Right. That's enough. You're having a negative impact on the economy now. Give it back and toddle off, there's a good chap."
"I'll go to the newspapers."
"Jolly good idea. That'll give you something to pack with. Don't forget to leave the car at the airport."

Is the Emirates the Safest Place on Earth?

Seen in Mirdif City Centre...

Now, I'm the first to admit that I've drunk the Kool Aid. I reckon that most expats in their first couple of years are ambivalent about this place, those that make it to five years are generally going to be pretty much in favour of it all. Get to ten years, buy a villa in the Ranches or whatever expat ghetto suits you best, and you're probably raving about how marvellous it all is - despite your Shiny perhaps being a tiny little bit less sparkly than you were promised. It's a Shiny, after all, and that's shiny enough for most people.

We perhaps tend to forget sometimes how, far from Shiny, home was grimy. Rain, tax, tea, in that order. That's why we're here, no?

I admire those that came out here with a game plan. Two years, five years, once you've got that deposit on a flat in Richmond or a sixteen bedroom mansion in Leicester or whatever it was that you wanted to get done, you've done it and gone back. That's great, but it was never for us. We just liked the place and we meandered - we never had an objective, as such. A vague idea that we'd go home one day, perhaps, but that was as concrete as anything got.

I remember saying to Sarah just after we arrived that we'd been £1,000 in debt every month in the UK and now that we'd been in the Emirates a while, we'd bought the household things we needed (and could never afford back home) and had a thousand quid in hand. If we did a year here and went home a thousand quid better off, we'd have done a year in the sun and have £2,000 more than when we arrived. That, I said, would be just as true if we did 25 years and went home two thousand quid better off. And it is, at that.

I'm very well aware that there are those who don't - for whom the Emirates hasn't been as kind or who have just found themselves out of step with the whole place. There are people who have found themselves trapped in a job they've hated, been bilked by a dodgy employer or who have just generally hated it and everything it stands for. There are those who have left here and re-cast their old home in the sun as a horrible, empty place (funnily enough, many who have done that seemed happy enough when they were here).

But, clearly, over 25 years later something's keeping us here - we like it, very much so in fact. Is that a bad thing?

One of the very many things I like about here is the sense of personal security. I've got used to keeping my wallet in my back pocket, to leaving the car open as I nip into the shop - to having loose change in the little pot thing by the handbrake (I'm reliably informed I wouldn't have a side window if I did that in the UK - I still find that hard to believe, but you tend to listen to the locals).

Walking past charity collection boxes in the malls stuffed with notes and noticing that a) they're not chained down and b) they're still there two seconds later, one is occasionally reminded that the crime rate here is so low as to be almost negligible. Sarah's safe out walking alone or with a friend, day or night. You forget that until you have to wise up when you're on holiday back in Europe. Until you hear the horror stories.

The photo above was taken in a jewellery shop in Mirdif City Centre. Even being as used as we are to the safety and security of here, we found it was an amusing 'where else in the world?' moment...

Shiny Happy Poop

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

"That'll be two hundred dirhams, mate."
"What are you on about? I'm just enjoying my shiny! Two hundred dirhams for what?"
"Dogs, that's what. We've introduced fines for having dogs off the leash and not cleaning up their poop. So give me two hundred dirhams."
"But I haven't got a dog!"
"What's that over there, then? Scotch mist?"
"Well, it's a dog, but..."
"So. Two hundred dirhams. I'll take cash or we'll just add it to your cooling bill. Of course, if you don't pay it, we'll cut off your electricity and water..."
"But who gave you the right to introduce and levy fines? You're a property developer, not a legal system!"
"As well as your cooling."
"But that's not my dog."
"Well I don't see anyone else around here, do you? So it's your dog, matey."
"I want to appeal!"
"There's no appealing this. Blimey, you're a callow one, aintcha? You can appeal if you're dealing with a properly constituted legal system, but this is a series of totally arbitrary regulations foisted on you by a property developer. Not that we'd ever say that in public, you understand."
"So whatever happened to 'dare to dream of a new future of freedom and choice' and 'iconic living that expresses your individuality'?"
"Oh come on, nobody takes that stuff seriously. Anyway, we never expressly said you could keep dogs at all. You should be glad we're tolerating your odiferous canines."
"I keep telling you, I don't even have a dog! This is outrageous! My Shiny never had the bathroom you promised, you keep putting up the maintenance fees, then you tell me what colour I can paint it and tell me which telco I have to use. You stopped me hanging a flag off it for the world cup and refuse to allow me to change the exterior. You even tried to tell me what newspapers I can read. This is just more abuse of my rights by a developer that seems to think it owns me! All in the name of FREEhold?"
"Now don't go giving me attitude, Sir, or I might have to invoke the abuse of development company staff regulation that allows me to mace you and then take your car away."
"But that's not even my bloody dog!"
"Think we're Peter Sellers, do we? Right. I'll add it to your cooling bill. Oh dear, oh dear."
"What is it now?"
"It's just done a poop. That'll be another two hundred."

(Shiny posts passim)

Shiny New Access Control System at International City

(Photo credit: Donna Cymek)

"I can't get to my Shiny. The door's locked."
"Really? Try using a key."
"What are you doing with that magnifying glass?"
"Inspecting you. Right, thanks for dropping by for this little chat. Always lovely to see you."
"No, hang on. I'm not talking about the key to my own door. The door to the whole building is locked."
"Yes, that's right. It's to stop overcrowding and illegal subletting. Only one person per 200 square feet will be allowed to occupy any apartment or villa."
"But this is my freehold property. If I want to share it, that's entirely up to me."
"Not according to the accepted practice of nmkl pjkl ftmch. That's what we're applying here."
"Hang on. When you sold me this Shiny it was freehold and then you said it was usufruct and now it's nmkl pjkl ftmch. What does that mean?"
"It means we have the right to inspect you, to use CCTV cameras to monitor you and an access control system to stop people coming to your apartment. And to fine you if you or your tenants don't comply with our regulations what we make up every now and then."
"Why don't I go and live in a concentration camp?"
"We just branded it differently. We hope you're daring to dream and loving life itself."
"So where's my access card then?"
"You can't have one until you've been properly inspected."
"Well you just said you were inspecting me."
"And so I have. Here's your satisfactory inspection form. Now remember, inspections are daily and you'll be fined Dhs108 per square metre if you decide to let the property and your tenants overcrowd it."
"You mean I'm responsible for policing my tenants' adherence to your arbitrary regulations if I rent my 'freehold' flat out?"
"Of course. That's only fair, isn't it?"
"So where's my access card?"
"You have to apply for it. Right. Super to see you again, do give my regards to everyone."
"Where? Where do I apply for it? What do I need to apply? How long's the queue going to be? What's it going to cost? Where do I collect it? How long does it last for? What about visitors who want to come for tea and cakes? How do I apply for an access card if I want to let my apartment to a tenant?"
"Lalalalalalalalalalalala. Gone yet? Lalalalalalalalalala."

* International City is installing an access control system.

Who Moved My Shiny?

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"Oi! You! Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm moving in to my new place. I've got a Shiny, I have!"
"Not without a moving in/moving out form you haven't! Where is it?"
"I haven't got 'it' whatever 'it' is!"
"Well then, you can't move in, can you? If you haven't got a moving in/moving out form, duly completed and submitted five days before you move, you can't move. It's quite clear."
"What's quite clear? Nobody told me about this!"
"It's in black and white, in the regulations. Duly available to any member of the public who presents himself to the regulation archive and requests a copy."
"Where's the regulation archive?"
"We don't know. We lost it. We'd have put it in The Archive, but we're turning that into a shopping mall. Anyway, that's beside the point. No moving in/moving out form, no move."
"But this is mine. I bought it. Freehold."
"Usufruct."
"I'm sorry?"
"Usufruct. Not freehold. That's in the regulations, too. Which gives us the right to insist on you completing a moving in/moving out form before you move in. And tell you what colour you can paint your Shiny and all the other stuff we get up to when we conjure up daft new schemes and ideas."
"In the advert, it didn't say 'Dare to dream, live to love, enjoy a scintillating lifestyle in paradisical sunshine by the way it's usufruct so you can't even move in without filling in some arbitrary form to pander to some odious jobsworth who couldn't even organise a shawarma stand."
"Okay, that's it, mate. You can't say shawarma to me like that. I'm only doing my job and I won't have random strangers throwing obscenities at me. I'm calling the law, I am."
"What about this lorry and all my stuff?"
"Take 'em back. You'll not need 'em for a while anyway once the law get hold of you. Your feet aren't going to touch the floor. 'Hello, police? I'd like to lodge a complaint against someone who just said 'shawarma' to me. I know, I know. I am indeed grievously insulted. Right away. Thank you, officer.' Right, mate, I'll give you shawarma, so'n I will."
"Have you seriously just called the police and complained I said 'shawarma' to you?"
"You can pick up a copy of the moving in/moving out form on your way down to the nick or you can fill in the online form and print that out to submit an application for the moving in/moving out form at the same office. You can suit yourself, I've had enough of standing around being insulted by the likes of you. Good day to you."

In case the above doesn't make much sense this link to the moving/in moving out form story might help and this one to the shawarma insult story may shed further light in the gloom. 

Blocked

road_block.jpg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(This here piece is wot started me off)

"I'm trying to park my car, but the parking bay's been blocked."
"Yes, that's right."
"What on earth do you mean? The parking bay came with my Shoreline Shiny!"
"Control and regulation of the Shoreline car parks is essential for the protection, security, safety and wellbeing of residents."
"What in heaven's name are you babbling about? I've got a car full of shopping and I want to get to my Shiny!"
"You can't. It's been blocked."
"Look, I know that, it's why I'm in your office talking to you! Unblock it!"
"Careful with that temper now, sir - remember last time I had to mace you."
"Unblock my parking space, for pity's sake! Whatever happened to a distinguished life of leisure and relaxation by the blue waters of the Arabian Gulf?"
"We can't. It's the regulations. We have the right to regulate car park access and will take all legal steps to do so. Owners who have paid their service charges and collected their cards have nothing to worry about. However, as we have said many times before, people who have paid their service fees cannot be expected to continue to subsidise those who have not."
"Why are you reading from that piece of paper?"
"I'm not. Look, I sympathise, really I do, but your landlord has clearly not paid his maintenance obligations, so we've had to block your space to make him pay."
"I don't get this. How does hurting me get him to pay?"
"We're obviously depending on you hurting him in turn."
"I can't, can I? He doesn't even live in Dubai. What can I do? Refuse to pay the rent? Then he'll evict me."
"Not our problem, really, is it? Anyway, car parks are not part of the sales agreement."
"You mean like the beaches? What about the roads, do I have the right to use those or are you going to withdraw them as well?"
"There's no call for sarcasm, sir. You'll have to lobby your landlord."
"What if I lobby you? Because you're here and he's not and I really don't see why your dispute with him should involve me!"
"We're only the master developer. You'll have to talk to your landlord. Now move along, sir, there's a queue of people behind you who want to complain as well - as we have said many times before, we don't see why one tenant complaining should expect to stop other tenants complaining who have not."
"Unblock my parking space!"
"Lalalalalalala."

(Shiny posts passim)

Shiny Satisfaction Survey

Image by Tracy Hunter via Flickr"Hello. I'm calling you from Dubai Ltd. We're conducting a satisfaction survey. As you likely know, 82% of customers are happy with Dubai.ae according to Khaleej Times and we just wanted to know if you're satisfied with your Shiny too."

"Well, as you mention it..."

"That's great, well thanks for your feedback, we'll just add you to the 'totally delighted' column and then we won't need to bother you again."

"But I didn't say I was delighted with my Shiny."

"But you are now, aren't you?"

"Well, actually-"

"See? I mean, who could want for more, eh? Sun, sea, sand. The cooler weather and dusting off the barbecue, the woman of your dreams at your side and an iconic lifestyle where you can dare to dream and come back for more."

"Well, yes, but-"

"Secure and safe, well paid, fat and coddled in a nice warm cocoon of feelgood. So well off you'd almost feel guilty about whingeing about the downsides..."

"True, but..."

"Look, I tell you what. I'll put you down as "pretty delighted".

"What are the other categories?"

"Umm, fairly delighted and delighted."

"And what about rising visa costs, greedy developers sucking me dry with insane maintenance charges, negative equity and an electricity bill that defies quantum physics?"

"We've got Modhesh. Brand equity like that doesn't come cheap, me bucko. Come on now, time is money."

"Sigh. Put me down as delighted then."

"Nice to talk to you. 'Till the next survey, then."

"Bye."

Sky

The Sky News team is in Dubai for the week, which was why Sarah and I sat open-mouthed watching the box last night as anchor man and long-time respected broadcaster Jeremy Thompson extolled the virtues of this global downturn-beating economic miracle, this city of iconic developments, this miraculous, visionary place with the 'go for it' attitude.

The tallest tower, the biggest mall, the most expensive firework display and, of course, the Palms all came in for a mention. It was odd to see them talking about de old place like dat!

Welcome, Jeremy and team. We look forward to a week of insights and revelatory reporting that gets beneath the microns of goldy paint to give us all a better understanding of what makes the Shiny tick.

(A shiny tick to me, a buffed parasite to you)

Green and Greener

Image by Sky Competition via Flickr

I know I'm a bit hard on Gulf News occasionally and it does, believe me, make me feel guilty. But sometimes the chaps over at the Newspaper That Tells It Like It Is do stuff that has me shaking my head in incredulous disbelief.

Today's 450g slab of papery joy contains a shiny supplement titled 'Go Green'. It's one of those special supplements so beloved of newspapers here - the ones where you get a page of the uncritical, slavish blether of your choice printed about you as long as you advertise. The ones nobody in their right minds reads. Ever.

In fact, 54 pages (including covers) of shiny, high-ceramic glossy paper are dedicated to the green message - and, of course, not even a nod to the concept of carbon neutrality or perhaps the advantages of not wasting something like 11 tonnes of paper (if my calculations are correct, 100g per supplement, 112,000 claimed run by GN) to produce something that is purely a vehicle for printing advertising for profit. Its informational value or the fact that it is in fact a genuine attempt to educate and inspire people is something I would love to see someone try and defend.

This next bit isn't going to make me popular among a number of people, including those I count as friends.

The same issue of GN (which, incidentally, also covers the IRENA summit in Abu Dhabi) also illustrates its tabloid section with the headline 'Green Day' and a cover image of a Toyota FJ Cruiser churning up the green desert like a little blue plough, following in the tracks of many others that have destroyed the delicate plant life on the side of the dune. This car would have been one of the thousand or so cars that annually plough a great scar of tracks through the desert in the name of the Gulf News Fun Run.

The desert here is a delicate biome and never more so than when it greens after rain. To show it being destroyed by hundreds of cars, the carpet of tentative life torn up and mashed into a muddy gash next to the words, 'Participants... enjoyed the unique sight of the desert in bloom.' shows a most definite lack of understanding of the word irony.

Now I have to admit I'm deeply conflicted here. A long term resident, I often drive in the desert and have done so for many years in parties of varying sizes.

I have always had a mild aversion to the idea of a thousand cars churning up the desert, believing (probably wrongly) that smaller parties of drivers would have a lesser impact than hundreds at a time. At the same time, the Fun Run is a much-loved annual event that brings a large number of people together in their enjoyment of the outdoors - and I have to record that the marshals do ensure that litter and the like are not left behind.

But today's Gulf News gleefully slaps the word GREEN on two activities that are most definitely negative in their impact on our environment. I guess it's one thing to proselytise in naggy 'go green' editorial campaigns, but quite another to truly practice what you preach.

The Citadel Of Sigiriya - Lion Rock

 "Right lads, I'll have a palace up there and some pleasure gardens please. 

Quick as you like now. Chop chop!"

Sigiriya is an ancient palace built by a king who decided that if you're going to do 'palace', then it might as well be a gigantic, sprawling moated complex topped by a 200-metre high rock with a pleasure garden, pools and harem at its top.

The guy certainly had style, I'll give him that. 

Fighting off the insistent and rather seedy-seeming gentleman who wanted to be our guide to the sight, we bought our tickets (Rs3,900 for foreigners, Rs50 for Sri Lankans). These were expensive by UK standards, let alone Sri Lankan and our Sri Lankan friends felt shamed by the difference in prices. Oddly enough they seemed more annoyed by it than we were. 

But to be honest, we were a little taken aback. Understanding we earn more than Sri Lankans do, put in a system of concessions for schoolkids and the aged then find ways of presenting the experience that wealthier European or Asian travellers would pay premiums for rather than out-and-out gouging. There was no guidebook to the site and no audio guide on offer. There were no official guides and little evidence of any attempt to structure the experience as a value-added one beyond 'pay up and go up'. 

In some ways, this adds to its charm - it's not slick and over-developed. But then in others it detracts - the pestering freelance tour guide, the lack of any facilities or information. Even the availability of cold water until you get to the stalls in the drivers' car park at the exit. That apart, the site itself is splendorous.

I'm sure there was more information in the museum, but that was 500 metres the wrong way away from the site and we decided to skip it and get on with what looked to promise a hot, gruelling climb.

You travel through the ruins of glorious water gardens and what once must have been an amazing citadel towards the rock towering above you. You can see the steps stretching up to the foot of the rock, then the gantries and walkways stuck to the side of it and vertigo already cuts in. We chose a hot, sunny day and it was certainly warm going. There are delightful signs all over the place telling you to stay silent to prevent hornet attacks. Shame they weren't in Korean or Japanese. 

The hornets, presumably unable to speak Korean or Japanese themselves, let the babblers pass. 

The climb up, taken with care, is not onerous if you are relatively fit. Many choose to go as far as the 'lion's feet' and leave the final - and most vertiginous - part of the climb to more foolish folk. 

The Mirror Wall. No, it's no longer shiny. 

Not even Dubai could be shiny after 2,000 years...

On the way up you pass the Mirror Wall, a porcelain wall once apparently so burnished the king who built his palace atop this 200 meter-high boulder could see his face in it. You also get the chance to clamber up a spiral staircase to look at the remains of the frescoes some experts believe once adorned much of the rock. We passed, it was too hot, too busy and none of us much liked the look of the buttressing holding the viewing platform together. 

It's only when you're traversing rock a couple of hundred feet from the staging point below looking out over vistas of Sri Lanka's forest carpet that you realise you're standing on a flimsy structure nailed to a rock and maintained by the Sri Lankan Office of Public Works (or some such). The presence of a broken strut on the ground below doesn't add to any vestigial feelings of confidence.

It's not until you're on the way out you get to see what you've been walking on. 

Which is lucky, really...

Struggling to the top (not because of the climb, but negotiating the press of people coming down - even a section which had two walkways, clearly intended to be one for up and one for down, was crammed with people going both ways), you're rewarded by an amazing view of the lush countryside, as well as a scramble through the stepped ruins of the palace, complete with a huge cistern and water pools. 

Apparently yer one had 200 wives and liked to disport with them here. You can't blame him. If I were the King Of All I Surveyed, I'd be tempted meself...

Mind, it didn't do him much good - he was defeated and fell on his own sword in AD495. 

This is where Sri Lankans discover why their ticket only cost Rs50...

Delightfully, once you've struggled to the top and wandered around a bit, you come across a sign that says 'GOING DOWN IS DANGEROUS'. Thanks, you might have mentioned that before...

Sigiriya is a true marvel. Suck it up, cough and pay the inflated fee. Give this at least half a day. Do not, under any circumstance, pass it by.

The Great Meltdown

I'm not sure what it is with me and technology right now, but following on from the recent Great HTC Self Destruct, my PC has now decided to pine for the fjords.

It all started yesterday with some strange behaviour over a hotel's WiFi network. Whether it was triggered by malicious software, a failed AVG update install or the Will Of The Gods will forever be a mystery, but the machine descended with great rapidity into a constant cycle of great meltdowns, gibbbering fits of tearing around the room pulling its hair out and screaming obscenities followed by curling up in the corner and wailing silently to the heavens before lapsing into long periods of insensibility. It is not, to boil the situation down to its essence, well.

I have long been a fan of IBM laptops, a product choice originally made because of the inevitable sound of indrawn breath through teeth that would accompany every presentation at my lovely client's premises. It got wearing eventually and I succumbed to the black keyboard with the little red button. The move was propitious - these babies are reliable, take a pounding without complaint and just, well, deliver. I have no reason to think that Lenovo has let quality go, but there's little doubt that my current machine, a T61, has for some time been End Of Life. Its hard disk is almost full, the keyboard's worn shiny and MacBook Air users titter when I pull the great slablike wodge of scratched matte black plastic with shiny edges from my enormous laptop bag.

It's a bit like breaking up with a girl you've come to dislike but can't quite muster the energy to go through with the scene. It's a huge relief when she takes the plunge before you. So it is with my PC - it actually feels good to be letting go. The pain has been considerably lessened by the agency's move to Google mail and Docs, although I hadn't quite managed to wean myself away from Office. Now I'm going to see how far I get using the iPad, although I know it's not going to deal with the heavy lifting terribly well - and especially not the video editing or book stuff.

The PC, in the meantime, is sitting curled up in the bathroom, occasionally spitting at passers-by but mostly just staring at the tiles with a lunatic fixaty. I've got the data off it, so I don't care any more.

Anyway, it never really understood me...

Shiny Happy ID Card

Day 70 - Marmoset (Photo credit: zzathras777)

"Hi. I'm here to apply for my Shiny ID card."
"Have you filled in the form using the online application application?"
"No."
"Well, you have to do that."
"Can I just not apply here?"
"Yes. As of yesterday you can apply here, but not tomorrow."
"So why did you tell me I had to do an online application application?"
"The requirement for an online application application applies to online applications."
"So what do I do?"
"Join that long, shuffling queue of listless people there."
"The one headed for the door marked "Nowhere"?
"That's the one. Do you have three photographs of yourself countersigned by a marmoset?"
"No. I was hoping you'd tell me what I'd need as the website is very confusing and changes every day."
"You'll need those pretty sharpish, there's a deadline you know."
"What is it?"
"Yesterday."
"But there's no point in me applying then!"
"Yes there is, you'll incur fines of Dhs25 a day to a maximum of Dhs1,000. That'll be Dhs25 please."
"What for?"
"Your first day's fines."


"Okay, here we are. Three photographs countersigned by a marmoset."
"Don't be silly, marmosets can't write. We changed that requirement oh, at least an hour ago."
"Just take them. What else do you need?"
"Your passport, passport copy, visa, visa copy and the online application printed out. Two copies of a copy of your copy copy and three pinches of peppermint snuff."
"There we go!"
"Right. Join that queue then. You've got plenty of time."
"I thought there was a deadline?"
"It got extended again."
"So what happens now?"
"Join the queue. At the end of the queue is a man who'll send you to another queue."
"Can't I just join the other queue straight away?"
"No. There's a system."


"Okay, I've queued for hours, punched and stamped my papers, I've been bioscanned and now I've finally got the card. What can I use it for?"
*blank look*

Amazing backstory linked here.