Favourite Things

 (Photo credit: Aureusbay)

I had reason to have a quick rummage around in the blog archives recently and was mildly surprised to find myself being entertained by an earlier incarnation of me writing six years ago.

It's funny how much has changed in that time - and at the same time how little. Here are a few of my favourite things from the early days of that archive. I might find a few more one of the days...

Here's one on 'The Deal'. I was going to post about this the other day and had forgotten discussing the topic before. The Deal is what you sign up to when you become an expat in the UAE. So how has The Deal changed?

Not for the first time, I railed at the quality of local journalism in this post. The ill-fated Emirates 24x7 newspaper had embarked on a campaign to 'save the wadi fish' and I was sore amazed...

"The summer is upon us and the relentless tide of infinite-eyed, grinning evil is around the corner." My first post about the little yellow thingy that accompanies Dubai Summer Surprises. It has to be said, the little chap has been a great deal less prevalent than in years passim, but the "relentless tide of infinite-eyed, grinning evil" phrase has rather stayed with me...

This post about our Green Day themed dustbin made me chuckle, I must confess.

But of the early posts here on FPS, this one here contains the real money shot. The advice at the end of it is priceless indeed...

Book Post - Beirut - An Explosive Thriller Formats

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Someone just found out they could get Beirut - An Explosive Thriller on Kindle. Whaaat? How could anyone in the world not have known that? I really have been under-doing the promotion, haven't I?

Here for your reading pleasure are the formats Beirut is available in - and, for attendees at last nights fab (if somewhat café-noisy) Umbrella Series workshop at The Archive, my reasoning for making these formats available.

Paperback

First and foremost, Beirut - An Explosive Thriller (as well as Olives - A Violent Romance) is available in paperback from all good UAE bookshops, including Kino's, Magrudy's, Jashanmal and book counters at supermarkets, including Carrefour, Abela and Spinneys. Virgin prefers not to stock my books.

Internationally, you can buy Beirut in paperback from Amazon.com for $15.99 or if you want you can buy a copy for just over $30. This is a side-effect of bookseller algorithms going mad.

You can buy Beirut in paperback from Amazon.co.uk for £8.99 with FREE shipping anywhere in the UK. You can also buy it from Amazon across Europe. Alternatively, if you're based somewhere windswept and interesting, The Book Depository will sell you a copy of Beirut in paperback for just £10.34 with free delivery worldwide. Not, ironically, including Lebanon...

If you prefer to support local bookshops, you can order Beirut - An Explosive Thriller from any UK or US bookshop by quoting ISBN: 978-1477586594.

Ebook

Beirut - An Explosive Thriller is available as a Kindle ebook from Amazon.co.uk and amazon.com. You can also get it from other Amazon stores for your Kindle.

If you own a Nook e-reader, you can get Beirut from Barnes & Noble here. Alternatively, if you prefer Kobo, that's linked here. If you want a copy of the book for your iPad or any Android tablet, you can buy the ePub format ebook from Smashwords at this here link. Alternatively, a quick search of Apple's iBooks will yield a gloriously buyable copy of Beirut for your iPad.

Formats

With the above formats, there's no way you can avoid Beirut - An Explosive Thriller - a paperback delivered anywhere in the world, an ebook delivered to any reader anywhere in the world. All with the flick of a few switches. You can now happily let friends and family know where they can get this most thrillsome of books delivered to them within a few days for paperback or a few seconds in any e-reader format. Or even better, you can go crazy and buy them as gifts! :)

If you'd like to browse more formats and 'where to buy' links or generally find out more about Beirut - An Explosive Thriller, the book's website is linked here. There's background info and stuff. And don't forget, you can sign up to my email list using the box above and get free books, updates, info and other wonderfulness.

HSBC Dubai - More Trouble On The Cards?

ATM (Photo credit: Modern Relics)

I am very proud to be the owner of a school report, penned by my harried teacher back when I was eight years of age, which contains the immortal words, "Alexander's cynicism can sometimes be extremely annoying."

I can only say the intervening forty years have intensified that youthful trait, although I do try and preserve some form of occasional blind optimism, just so I can prove I would have been better off sticking to expecting the worst from those around me.

This is rarely more so the case than in my dealings with the bank that has managed to in some way fail in the provision of every banking service I have ever required of it. I'm serious. You name something a bank might do for you and I can recount a tale of how they have at least once goofed it up for me in the past two decades they have been enlivening my life.

So you can only imagine the look of dark suspicion I gave the new sparkly red card that landed on my doorstep some months ago. It has a chip thingy embedded in it and the comforting words HSBC Advance Platinum Debit Visa Paywave printed on its front. This card replaces my ATM card and also acts as a debit card - and will support 'touchless' transactions. You just wave the card at a terminal like a modern Gandalf and smiling retailers are recompensed for the good or service they are providing you.

Huzzah!

I refused to use it. Something's bound to be wrong with it. I just didn't want the inevitable headlong descent into The Call Centre after some transaction had debited the Chilean national debt from my account or given all my money to an oran utan sanctuary in Sarawak. I carried on with my battered old 'analogue' ATM card.

And then comes a missive from the bank. The old ATM cards are on the way out, mate, you'll have to use your new HSBC Advance Platinum Debit Visa Paywave card. They've got an 800 number to change or reset your PIN and so I called it (fear and loathing in my black heart) only to find the process easy, seamless and brilliantly managed.

Gulp.

Then I went to an ATM and used the card. And it worked. Perfectly. First time. I was in a state of shock, I kid you not. A lady had to ask me to move aside as I had frozen in situ and was gibbering softly to myself.

And then I realised. The new card only gives me access to one of the three accounts I hold with them. The old card gave me access to all three accounts. So I now have a new sparkly chip and PIN HSBC Advance Platinum Debit Visa Paywave card that is 33% as functional as the old one in the main purpose I hold an ATM card for - accessing my accounts using an ATM.

That discovering this provoked in me a feeling of grim satisfaction is itself something of a worry...

A Thing About Lifts, Or In The UAE, Elevators.

(Photo credit: Jose R. Borras)

I try not to post too much about lifts (or elevators if you hail from the Land Of The Free And Home Of The Brave) just in case I start getting press releases from Express Lifts and the like, but they really are a unique symptom of the hyper-diverse melting pot that is the United Arab Emirates - that meeting place of the cultural tectonic plates of East and West.

A lot of people here, in the face of copious evidence to the contrary, believe that pressing the 'down' button brings a lift down to you. Not only is this not the case, it also results in you ending up in the basement when you actually wanted to scale the lofty heights of the upper floors. Not unnaturally, having predicted a different outcome to that achieved, you are puzzled. In your understandable disorientation, you neglect to notice that not only has the lift gone in an unexpected direction, it has reset itself. And so you shrug fatalistically and wait for the diversion to be over and the lift to do that which you had originally anticipated.

It is at this point that a second cultural trait plays an important role in proceedings. There is a certain vanity abroad that means any lift fitted with a mirror (and most are mirrored, for some reason. Presumably to alleviate claustrophobia) must immediately be used to admire, stroke and even, whipping out a back-pocketed comb, brush the hair.

And so you find that not only has your lift been diverted to the basement (where you have doubtlessly encountered a rather grumpy looking Englishman who might even, particularly when overdue leave and finding you and many others have actually filled the lift to capacity when it arrives in the basement, ask you quite why you are there) but it then takes you to a completely unexpected floor. You might at this point realise that something is amiss and if you don't take some sort of remedial action you might even die of thirst in there. And so you press the button of the floor you want to go to.

Sadly, however, you're already on the way down and someone else has pressed the 'down' button on the ground floor in order to call the lift. In the basement once more, you will begin - understandably - to be alarmed. You could be in there for days. You dash out and, with a sense of relief, take the stairs - shaking your head at the wonderment of encountering yet another badly programmed lift button.

And that, for the benefit of attendees to The Umbrella Series Writing and Publishing Workshops being held at The Archive in Safa Park, is an example of the second person point of view in writing. Ha.

How To Sell To UAE Bloggers

I'm doing quite a lot of 'how to'ing recently, am't I? Don't worry, this isn't a book post...

This advice doesn't come from someone that runs amazing professional 'blogger outreach' programs because I don't really do very much of that. It comes from the other end of the horse - the blogger at the receiving end end.

While it's lovely to find you have been added to the Cision media distribution list and positively feted by PR people, many of the approaches seem to miss some reasonably basic thinking when it comes to seeking the engagement of people with blogs, popular Twitter accounts or much-liked Facebook pages. So these pointers might be helpful for future approaches.

1) Bloggers are people too.
I almost fell into the trap of labelling this one 'bloggers are not journalists' but this misses the fact that journalists (no matter how it goes against the grain to admit this) are also people. Little I have to say about approaching bloggers doesn't also apply to approaching journalists.

So by saying we're people too, what do I mean? I mean, for instance, that it would be nice if the approach were individual to me rather than generic. Saying you enjoy my thought-provoking blog is all very nice, but that hardly tells me you actually give a hoot or have ever read anything I have written.

If you had, you'd be aware that I'm much more likely to bite you than let you pat me on the head.

I am naturally going to feel more interested in helping you out if you've been a regular reader/commenter on this blog. Even a few words referring to why you think this blog would be interested in your new perfume line for dogs - ideally linked to some content I have posted here - would let me know you've at least had a stab at mapping the relevance of what you do to what I do. Shared interest is good. Irrelevance is bad.

2) Bloggers aren't there to cover your products
I know, it's amazing isn't it? But the majority of what I write in this blog is peculiar to me and the world around me. Inviting me to the Armani hotel to attend the launch of a new range of bamboo shopping trolleys will not have me gushing and bright-eyed at the prospect of going to such a wonderful place. I have never written about bamboo shopping trolleys before and have exhibited no interest in these items in the past (although now I'm quite sure Klout will include it in my areas of expertise and I'll own the category in search).    I don't write about products or review products. Ten minutes spent browsing the blog would mark me as a non-target for shopping trolley launches.

Fashion and food bloggers are more susceptible to these types of invitation if they relate to fashion or food and if they are somehow interesting and/or innovative. Food product launches are not likely to cut it. Fashion bloggers are (sorry guys, but you are) incredibly spoiled and will need something out of the ordinary or a great relationship having been established.

3) Bloggers have day jobs
There are few people in the Middle East making money out of blogging to the extent they don't have to earn money by doing something conventional like, say, working. So a Tuesday afternoon event is likely to be out of the question - an all-day gig mid-week, even if it's exciting and deeply tempting, will likely not cut ze mustard. We have jobs to go to. That means if you want to organise an amazing all-day event targeting bloggers, you'll probably have to work on a Friday. Altogether now? Aaaahhh.

4) Slowly slowly catchee monkey
An individual approach that is contextual will be much more likely to reap rewards than scatter-gun event invites. A great example here is how Nokia's PR agency, d'Abo & Co, used my recent highly public Twitter meltdown with my HTC Android mobile (there's nothing like a mobile perma-crashing and telling you it's 'quietly brilliant' every time it staggers back to its feet to get a chap's goat) to slip a Nokia Lumia into my life. It was a risky strategy, they had to have had real confidence in that product - but, having the expectation I'd hate the Lumia I actually loved it and didn't mind saying so. I don't feel beholden to them for lending me a mobile, but I did think their timing and smart approach was very well managed. I don't mean to be difficult, but I am generally brand antithetic. Some bloggers I am sure will love brands. Love 'em to death. Positively fawn over  'em. Let me know when you find one, eh?

So it's a matter of monitoring conversations (blogs, Twitter, Facebook, whatever) and mapping out your influencers (who IS an influencer?) before making an approach that is generally, as with any conversation, led by a contribution of some sort. Give forward to earn a place at the table.

By the way, most UAE blogs have relatively small readerships.

5) Build a community by being a member of the community
What is an influencer? A Klout score? Number of followers? Number of comments? You need to establish some metrics to decide at what level of influence it's worthwhile bringing someone onside - because you'll need to invest in the relationship. It's not a one-hit thing, the key word is the R one - relationship. Approaching a person, inviting their involvement and engagement with you, facilitating that engagement and maintaining a respectful (ie not 'we're targeting product messages at you because we think people listen to you') dialogue. That way you can bring influencers on board, typically one by one, and maintain that conversation to the point where you actually could organise a tweetup or other event and people would be happy to come. That'll take time and investment, but it's so much more effective than pumping out generic materials in the hope that bloggers will slavishly act as botnets for your product messages.

That's my 2p worth. I genuinely hope marketers out there find it useful.

How To Find An Agent? How To Self Publish in the UAE?

 (Photo credit: jm3)

Or, in short, what to do? You're in the United Arab Emirates and you're thinking of writing a book. You may have started. You may have finished it. But now you want to know what to do next. You have two options - find a publisher (which pretty much means get an agent) or become a publisher.

I can help. For a start, I know exactly how NOT to find an agent, I got rejected over 250 times. Believe me, I can tell you how to withstand the knock-backs. I signed with Robin Wade of that finest of London's literary agencies Wade & Doherty. How did I do it? What was the secret to my success? More to the point, how can YOU do it for yourself?

This Wednesday night, from 6-8pm at Dubai's gloriously funky uber-hangout The Archive, I shall share.

Promise.

I'll also be taking workshop attendees through how they can 'go it alone' and self-publish. Once the stuff of vanity and now an increasingly important avenue for writers, self publishing can be a road to riches, a source of immense satisfaction or an eyeball full of broken glass. How you approach it will, in many ways, define which of these is your most likely outcome. From picking platforms through formatting your manuscript and getting word out there to printing a physical edition, I'll take attendees through the easiest possible ways to get their work in people's hands.

Places are really, really limited - the room was full last time and most people booked for all four of the sessions in the Umbrella Series of wordy workshops, so do call or email Sarah at The Archive and ensure there's a place for you - sarah@thearchive.ae or phone The Archive on 04 349 4033.

If you want to get your hands on the presentations, resources and other stuff from the workshops, sign up to the emailer list using the form to the top right of this 'ere blog and I'll be sharing links an' stuff.

Sharjah's Big Bus Tour. An Odd Little Thing...

London bus - London eye (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So a friend has her mum out for a couple of weeks, right? And she decides to take her on the Big Bus Tour of Sharjah (only it's not called that, it's called something else. But you know what I mean). So she nips down to that most classic of Sharjah hotels, The Coral Beach, and she asks 'em if they've got any information on the big bus tour thingy.

She was given a piece of paper with, her words, my face on it.

Disconcerting stuff, eh? In fact she was given a printout of this here post I did on the City Sightseeing Tour of Sharjah. Being one of the few people in the world who don't avidly log in every day to see what half-thought I've jotted down and flung at the wall of this very blog - in fact, being unaware that I even had a blog - she found the whole experience bordering on the alarming.

I think it's quite charming, really. The post wasn't by any means a gushy endorsement of the tour - in fact I went to some length to point out the things it should encompass but in fact misses out. And yet that's what they're using to promote the gig.

I'm thinking of a book now. 101 uses for a marginal blog...

Overhead At The Radio Station

Big Shiny Tunes 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"Hello, didn't expect to see you here!"
"Well, you know, like to pop in and say hi now and then. How's tricks?"
"Fine, thanks, bumping along quite nicely, actually."
"How's the Shiny?"
"Oh, you know, can't really complain. Because every time I do your secretary drops the line."
"Oh, gosh. Sorry to hear that. I'll have a word with her. Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about Shinies."
"Oh, right?"
"No. I came to talk to you about Ferris wheels."
"Ferris wheels? You mean like big wheels? The London Eye and all that? Why are you wincing?"
"If we could avoid talking about The Competition, that'd be great."
"Competition? For what?"
"The Dubai Eye of course. The world's largest Ferris wheel. It's going ahead. 210 metres of rotating circular wonderfulness with a ginormous LCD screen displaying premium advertising. It's a beezer scheme. We reckon it's worth a good three million tourists a year. What a marvel, eh?"
"Well, yes, I suppose so."
"Only there's a problem."
"Really? I'm not sure how I can help with that sort of thing. I do radio, not Ferris wheels."
"Well, that's the point, actually. It's your radio station. We can't have two Dubai Eyes, you see? And I'm afraid 103.8 is going to have to, well, you know, rebrand."
"Rebrand? But we're Dubai Eye Radio! The UAE's first and only talk radio station! We're news! Talk! Sport! We've been called Dubai Eye for simply ages! We were here first!"
"Yes, yes, all very interesting. But we've called the big wheel Dubai Eye and you're going to have to change. You can't have two Dubai Eyes when people Google us, let alone look us up on Google maps. We want 'em to be offshore from JBR, not hooning around out by Arabian Ranches."
"Call it something else. Weren't you going to call it the Great Dubai Wheel? Call it that again!"
"Look, that's a project that got cancelled. We don't go raking up Projects That Got Cancelled, right? It might remind people of the Shinies that didn't get finished. You're just going to have change your radio station's name and that's that. In fact, we want to help, so we've picked a name for you. You don't have to thank me, it's all part of the service. They're putting up the new signs outside now, actually."
"This is all rather out of the blue, I must say. Change our name to what?"
"Dubai Ear."
"Are you mad? Dubai Ear? That's the worst thing I've heard since the last ad break!"
"Well you are a radio station. Never quite saw eye to eye with the whole Dubai Eye thing myself. Dubai Ear is much more appropriate for a radio station. The listeners will be all ears! Hahaha! Geddit? "
"What if we hate the idea?"
"Oh come, come. Here are your new business cards. You'll get used to it. We've had a production company in London do you all new sweepers and stuff. 'Dubai Ear. You'll love what you hear!' Great isn't it?"
"You're barmy, you are. Completely barmy."
"Calm down, now. You'd hate to find your Shiny's been painted pink again because of a new Mandatory Pinking Order. Have a nice day. And give my best to the team at Dubai Ear, will you?"

(Part of an occasional series of Shiny dialogues. What's a Shiny? You'll have to read these to find out! :)

Eye eye! The Bluewaters Dubai Eye Ferris Wheel

The first Ferris wheel from the 1893 World Columbian Exposition in Chicago. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Funny thing to name a giant Ferris wheel after, a radio station, but there's no telling what folk will get up to these days.

National news agency WAM carries the news Dubai Ltd has announced another megaproject, the latest in a clearly signalled campaign of 'We're back' announcements. Braggadocio or bravado? You tell me. The Bluewaters plan will see a £1 billion island development off the beach by 'live the lifestyle' Jumeirah Beach Residence. On said island, developers Meeras are plonking an hotel (five star, natch), residences, a souq, an entertainment zone and the world's largest Ferris wheel.

Of course it couldn't just be a big Ferris wheel. It has to be a jaw-dropping, eye-popping 210 meter billion Dirham Ferris wheel. Ideally, scattered with hundreds and thousands and topped with glacé cherries.

It's all based on market studies that indicate the project can expect three million tourists a year to flock to its candy-floss stores and queue up to get a ride

Ferris wheel watchers will likely think this baby will be pipping the London Eye to the biggest Ferris wheel in the world post, but they'd be wrong. It's already been pipped twice - at a mere 135 metres, the London Eye is the mini-me of Ferris wheels (named after their inventor, a Mr. George Washington Gale Ferris, Jr) and was outstripped just six years after its opening by The Star Of Nanchang, a 160 metre behemoth. Just two years later, Singapore ripped the rug from under Nanchang's feet with the Singapore Flyer, which sneaked past the Star to take the Guinness Book entry with a mere five metres' lead.

The Flyer cost Dhs 876 million to build, so it looks like Meeras is getting a bargain from Hyundai Contracting, which will build the Dubai Eye wheel. If the Dubai Eye takes after the Star and the Flyer, it'll rotate once every 30 minutes, be in constant motion (no stopping to get on and off) and have gondolas with a capacity of 28 people.

Those with the memory span of a Higgs Boson will recall The Great Dubai Wheel, which was to have been built in DubaiLand by the Great Wheel Corporation. The project gained planning permission in 2006 and was officially announced as kaputski in 2012 after GWC had gone belly-up with a trail of failed Ferris wheel projects behind it. The Great Dubai Wheel was to have been a 185 metre wheel.

The fate of the Great Wheel Corporation is a fascinating one. It reeled from merger to acquisition to bankruptcy to collapse, through a number of iterations right up until 2012, when it finally folded. By then it was called Great City Attractions Global. GCAG's assets were acquired by Dubai-based Freij Entertainment International which operates GCAG's UK assets through its UK subsidiary Wheels Entertainments Ltd - including the controversial 53-metre York big wheel.

Freij bills itself as 'The world's biggest operator of Amusement Rides' although taking a look at www.freij.com you could also call it the world's biggest operator of a totally rubbish web presence.

Freij operates Dubai's Global Village, the site of the recent fatality when a part fell off the 60 metre Ferris wheel there - it was subsequently revealed this travelling wheel had been linked to the deaths of five people under previous ownership.

And in fact it was Freij CEO Freij Al Zein who first talked to media in April last year about a billion Dirham giant Ferris wheel to be called the Dubai Eye. Slated at the time to be a 170 metre wheel as part of a major 93,000 metre indoor amusement park complex, the project would appear to have finally come to fruition.

Quite whether Freij is still involved is pure speculation - developer Meeras hasn't updated a press release on its website since 2011, so any reliable information on the Bluewaters project beyond the WAM story is scant right now.

But it's interesting, isn't it, the way in which the Great Dubai Wheel dream never really went away but became a baton to be passed from hand to hand?

I wonder when the undersea hotel scheme will bob up to surface again...

PS - It seems to be a coincidence, as the WAM story doesn't mention it, but the story broke on George Ferris' birthday, as celebrated by today's Google doodle! Eerie!

What Have You Had In Your Mouth Lately?

A butcher shop specializing in horse meat in Pezenas (languedoc, France) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The horsemeat scandal gripping the UK and Ireland has been a fascinating story to watch unfolding - samples of processed meats in Ireland  tested positive for traces of horse DNA, with Dunnes Stores as well as cut price chains Lidl and Aldi stocking contaminated products.

The story spread quickly, with Tesco's 'Everyday Value' burgers found to contain 29% of everyday horsemeat and 'Everyday Value' spaghetti bolognese some 60% geegee. Findus was doubtless horrified  to find itself dragged into the controversy as tests found its beef lasagne contained from 60 to 100% horsemeat.

This is an investigative journalist's dream. The UK's press fell on the story, baying with glee at the chance to uncover more horsing around with our food - and they've come up trumps. At the heart of early investigations was Irish meat processor Silvercrest and French food processor Comigel.

Silvercrest's now-shuttered meat processing plant in Monaghan produced 3.7 million burgers a day - 9 out of 13 tested contained horse meat. Comigel is a huge supplier of 'white label' frozen ready meals  and the company that supplied the products to Findus and Tesco - as well as Aldi whose 'Today's Special' lasagne and spag bog were also found to contain 'Newmarket steak' instead of beef.

In fact Comigel produces some 30,000 tonnes of white label frozen ready meals a year, which it sells to companies across Europe. It's the Nike of nosh - and the companies that glibly bought low-cost products from Comigel  appear to have sacrificed consumers' interests for competitive advantage and profitability. Hands up if you're surprised. The company's customers included French chains and these have recalled products - the recalls include removals from the shelves of Carrefour, probably the biggest supermarket retailer in the UAE.

British authorities have raided an abbatoir and a meat production company over concerns at horsemeat finding its way into meat for 'burgers and kebabs' - Peter Boddy Licensed Slaughterhouse in Todmorden, West Yorkshire, and Farmbox Meats Ltd are both facing the high jump. Sorry.

Now the latest twist in the tale is that high-end UK supermarket brand Waitrose has been found to be selling meatballs contaminated with pork - in fact up to 30% of the company's 'Essentials' meatballs are pork meat. Waitrose buys the meat from, wait for it, Silvercrest.

Gulf News ran a piece today on the ongoing scandal, reporting on the news coverage that has rolled and rolled throughout the past couple of weeks in the UK and Ireland. Gulf News' attempt to get comment from the Abu Dhabi Food Control Authority confirmed they were carrying out checks, but weren't going to 'comment at this time'.

Which is a shame as there is certainly some room for consumer concern here in the UAE. British and European supermarkets and brands are a dominant force in retail - and those levels of concern are hardly likely to get any lower as investigations unearth more and more consequences of supermarkets and brands abandoning traceability for profit. This is one story that's certainly not going away any time soon.

Can the UAE's supermarkets and food processors assure their customers of full traceability and that the foods they are selling are not contaminated by this scandal? Who's asking them? It's at a time like this you'd really want to be well served by your media. And no comment is not really what we need to hear.

Update: This excellent report on The National website today talks to retailers, processors and authorities alike to answer the very question I ask above - at least regarding locally processed meat if not imported ready meals. You can be the judge of the differential standards of journalism represented by the two newspapers' treatment of the same story.