DysonGate - Are PRs and Journalists Tom And Jerry?

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The DysonGate scandal threatens to drive a massive wedge in our local media community. Heads will roll. Words will be written. You heard it here first.

There's nowt so close as love and hate. Public relations people and journalists have a constant, bickering Tom and Jerry relationship that often gives me much gentle amusement. PR people annoy journalists by being incompetent, lazy and slavish to their unreasonable clients. Journalists annoy PR people by being lazy, incompetent and slavish to their unreasonable masters.

Rarely do both sit down and commiserate, although you'd have thought the above was grounds for considerable empathy. Veteran journalist Frank Kane of The National took a pop at hapless PRs sending him awful stories in his column yesterday. It's not unamusing. You could argue he was shooting fish in a barrel - the volume of dire press releases that goes out in the UAE every day is remarkable not only for its volume but its persistence. When you consider the vast majority of these announcements have no hope of achieving any coverage whatsoever, you do wonder why the relentless tide of mindless mush continues.

Kane picks a couple of examples from the bin, the Dyson airblade release being surely the result of an almost manic optimism "No, really, it WILL get coverage. National newspapers LOVE to hear about hand dryer installations. TRUST me on this one, Phil!" He could have gone on at much greater length and easily been a great deal unkinder. I do wonder if Dyson's agency will claim credit for the clip with the client... Or, indeed, tell them a local blogger's nicknamed it DysonGate.

"See? Major media AND blogs! I TOLD you we'd get traction on this one, Phil!"

In a previous life I used to edit a magazine called BBC GulfWide - it was a sort of wrapper of local features around the BBC Middle East listings and I quite enjoyed producing it. Every month I dedicated a double page spread to lampooning the efforts of the local PRs. I was younger, then, and more unkind. Reading back over some of these spots now does make me laugh. But the same releases were going out then, the same idiotic appeals to 'depute a photographer' from my 'esteemed publication' (a phrase Kane picked up on). The same ridiculous releases about something nobody in their right minds other than the people working in that company would care about mixed in with inappropriately targeted product releases. Why did agencies think the BBC listings magazine, a features only title, would cover news releases? Or that we were interested in hair care products?

And why, more to the point, do they still persist in sending out these awful releases today, almost two decades later. Have we really not moved on one iota?

That's a complicated question, actually. It's a mixture of agencies pandering to clients without giving them good advice, clients who believe agencies are there to do what they're told, not consult on the most effective course and media that actually will run this sort of tripe. Because if the standard of local PR can hit Dead Sea  level lows, the standard of journalism can match it metre for metre. I'd probably go for a dig in the ribs and bring the Mariana Trench into it.

I'm going to echo Kane's admirable example and not name names. But the newspaper - the national daily newspaper - that ran a story today about how traffic is slowing down around the new junction in Ajman is only one microscopic example from a rejoinder that could run for thousands of words. Kane, himself brought up in the days of pencil-licking notebook journalism, would recognise the classic 'six questions' structure in the first paragraph of the news piece:

Ajman: Cars approached the newly opened Al Hamidiya interchange with caution on Wednesday morning, slowing down to read the signboards, trying to figure out which way will take them to their desired destination, changing lanes carefully to get on their way.

Or perhaps not. That was the first para of a page lead story, by the way, not a News In Brief. When you add that to the copy/paste hacking, the plagiarism, the fawning to authority and toadying to influence and then throw in a good measure of lack of depth, research, investigative or searching journalism and sprinkle a masala of news wire copy, laziness and verbatim press release you start to comprehend the true worth of the media environment.

Am I tarring all journalists with that brush? Of course not, just as Kane is careful not to tar all PRs with his. But we both know that we're both right and there's too much of what we've both pointed out going on.

Sadly, the truth of the matter is journalists get the PRs they deserve. At least they've stopped complaining that PRs make them lazy, which used to be the case in days of yore...

Disable The Samsung Series 5 Ultra Touchpad

Chuck Norris EX2 01 (Photo credit: (vhmh))

You CAN disable the touchpad on a Samsung Series 5 Ultra notebook computer.

One of the least endearing aspects of my recent technology shift from a dead Lenovo T61 and Windows 7 to a sleek Samsung Series 5 Ultrabook and Windows 8 has been the lack of documentation. Remember documentation? When things came with user manuals?

Ah, no. These days we have the Internet and so we don't need those nasty, papery manual things. You just go to our Internet-based resource centre and we'll answer any questions you might have.

What if it's something I don't know? I can't ask about what I don't know can I? And you're not actually telling me. You're just expecting me to sift through a wodge of data, rather than structure and present useful information to me.

That's okay, you can go to our user forums and see the answers our socially enabled peer group conversation community present to you. They're really committed and useful guys.

And what if I just want someone from Samsung to tell me how to do something? You know, someone who actually knows something about the product?

Simple! Talk to one of our trained customer support executives using email or our online chat facility!

Great. That's precisely what I did, because the otherwise very lovely Samsung Series 5 Ultra comes with the world's biggest touchpad and it doesn't have an off switch or appear to have a driver with that functionality. Which is mad, right? All laptops have drivers for their touchpads that allow them to be disabled, surely. And, yes, in the main they do. Except for this machine, with its aircraft-carrier sized, guaranteed to be touched at all times, touchpad. It's huge. I've found flies playing cricket on it. This, let us be abundantly clear, is the Chuck Norris of touchpads. You don't touch it - it touches you.

Samsung's support operative came back in response to my email, confirming my worst fears. "You can't disable the touchpad on a Samsung Series 5 Ultra."

Which had me consigned to typing tweets six times as each attempt saw a feather-touch of the ball of my thumb select all and then my next key press replace the text. Cursors would appear in random places around the screen, replacing and deleting lumps of text and objects before I realised it'd gone again. My language, never particularly temperate, has become decidedly nautical.

I evolved an insane typing technique, like a digital tai-chi movement, The Crane Over The Keyboard. Repetitive Strain Injury loomed on the horizon as I picked my way over the huge expanse of the Monster Touchpad From Hell. Sure enough, every couple of minutes, a brush on that vast, hyper-sensitive surface would bring on-screen mayhem.

It's so unfair. This machine is the dog's, seriously. It's sleek and titanium-shelled, as light as a feather and slimmer than a supermodel with amoebic dysentery. It is in every way perfect. Apart from Chuck The Touchpad.

I took to tweeting at @SamsungGulf, but that was about as much use as nailing cats to a hovercraft. They're too busy using Twitter on relentless promotional broadcast mode to actually talk to anyone who isn't giving them some sycophantic, pandering guff they can retweet. (This, to Samsung, is presumably 'engagement')

It's one of the worst Twitter accounts I've seen in a long while. Absolutely zero back from them. Just a constant tide of 'Tell us your favorite way of inserting a Galaxy SIII'...

And then a conversation with Sheheryar at @LaptopsinUAE about something completely different turned to the S5. I'd decided to break the warranty and have him crack the case and neuter Chuck by yanking the connector. And he came up with the idea of hitting Fn F5. Because that is how you disable the touchpad on a Samsung Series 5 Ultrabook.

So here's a big, fat THANK YOU to Sheheryar, for doing what Samsung's support droid and their useless Twitter account should have done. For knowing his way around laptops and being able to help someone who just wants to get on with using a functional tool. I didn't have to retype a single word of this post and that feels oh, so good.

Chuck is dead.

Will ENOC/EPPCO Stations Reopen In The Northern Emirates?

(Photo credit: Gerry Balding)

The news broke a few days ago. with news outlets all reporting ENOC was seeking 'alternative sources' for condensate to feed its 120,000 barrel-a-day refinery in Jebel Ali. Yesterday, late in the afternoon (too late, for instance, to give pesky local reporters a chance to ask questions) it issued a press release announcing it had closed a deal with Qatar's Tasweeq to secure a supply of 20,000 barrels per day of condensate.

This, according to ENOC, avoids having to import Iranian condensate. To quote the release:

ENOC diligently adheres to all prevailing laws and regulations to ensure that its business is conducted in line with applicable sanctions, and has been continually studying the sourcing of alternative economically viable condensate feedstocks for its refinery in Jebel Ali.  

As a result of various steps implemented by the management, ENOC has imported 20% less Iranian condensate in the second half of 2012 compared with the first six months of the year. One of the challenges in managing the crude imports was the availability of alternate grades in required volumes and prices. 

By exploring partnerships with new suppliers, ENOC is highlighting its commitment to continually optimise its refinery operations, adherence to the highest ethical standards in all operational aspects and creation of long-term value.

Some commentators have inferred this may lead to the shuttered ENOC/EPPCO petrol pumps in the Northern Emirates re-opening, but there's no evidence in here at all of that. ENOC's under pressure to reduce its loss-making refining operations - hence buying crude from Iran in the first place - but has now come under pressure to find alternative sources.

That's not about to make things any better 'oop North' and mean they can start selling profitable petrol from their forecourts. It's more likely to be a 'like for like' pricing deal - and it would have been interested to be a fly on the wall of some of those meetings to see quite who was pulling the strings around here.

Perhaps an answer to that comes in the shape of those recent ENOC comments about alternative sources of supply, which coincided with a visit to the U.A.E. from David Cohen, the U.S. Treasury Department's undersecretary for terrorism and financial intelligence...

Anyway, it doesn't really matter that much. Everyone's got used to there being no EPPCO stations and although the ADNOC stations are busy, the long and ironic queues from the original 'petrol shortage in oil producing country' glee are a thing of the past.

You Got Mail

E-mail (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One way and another, I do quite a bit of talking and presenting about writing, as well as book club meetings and other stuff like giveaways all in the name of promoting things literate in general and my books in specific.

So it seemed sensible to start a mailing list to let anyone who might be interested in such things stay in touch with the occasional update (We're not talking daily or anything as hectic as that, believe me!), as well as give me an easy way to share files, presentations and other stuff about writing, reading and books.

For instance, there's an upcoming 48 hours of FREE Space on Kindle. I mean, would you want to miss that?

You can signup on the right here. I'll even throw in a 50% off the ebook of Olives - A Violent Romance to give you an unmissable incentive to give me your soul.

The Umbrella Series At The Archive

The Umbrella Series - four workshops on the creation and distribution of words - takes place at The Archive on Wednesdays throughout February. They're being held by The Archive in conjunction with The Emirates Literary Group, with the intention of providing information and guidance for budding writers on the process of collating words into complete works, how to create books out of them (either through the 'traditional' process or self publishing) and how to sell and distribute them. With that in mind, the four workshops feature a known idiot, a poet and the head of a book distribution and sales company.

The idea is that attendees will walk away from these with a reasonable basic understanding of the whole process that will stand them in good stead as they undertake their own journey to publication. It's the workshop I wish I'd had being held in a funky work/art-space around the corner from me as I started out myself.

By the way, in doing these I'm not claiming I'm Stephen King or that I am anything other than a marginal, self-published writer selling handfuls of books. I'm just sharing some of the lessons I learned the hard way, so you don't have to.

Each workshop session will last a couple of hours and take place from 6-pm. Attendance is free, but The Archive would appreciate if you register to guarantee a place.

How to write a book 
Alexander McNabb
February 6th
I'll be looking at the miraculous process of arranging 26 letters variously into 100,000 words and how you go about doing that without wasting time, effort and money. We'll look at things like plotting, dialogue, structure and editing.

How to write poetry 
Frank Dullaghan
February 13th
Published and widely respected poet Frank Dullaghan will be guiding attendees through the world of poetry - looking at different poetic forms and styles and how to use language to create evocation, to bring rhythm and metre together on the page so the words create an emotional experience for the reader. He'll also be looking at finding outlets for your poetry.

Routes to publication (How to find an agent or self publish your book) 
Alexander McNabb
February 20th
Luigi Bonomi gave an excellent - and popular - workshop at the Emirates LitFest last year and will be repeating it this year. He is a top London literary agent and a very nice chap indeed and his excellent advice is well worth heeding. So do book for that session, but feel free to come along to this one as well. I'll be giving an author's-eye view of the agenting and publishing process, from how to format your manuscript through creating a stellar synopsis, blistering blurb and killer query. I'll also be looking at how you can chuck all that up and do it yourself, from picking platforms through to getting reviews and promoting your work.

Book distribution and sales in the UAE 
Narain Jashanmal
February 27th
If you want to understand how publishing 'ticks', who better to talk to than an industry 'insider'? It's amazing how many of us set out to put 100,000 words on paper without ever thinking about what's actually going to happen to them at the end of the process. Narain Jashanmal is GM of Jashanmal Books and will take you on a roller coaster ride through the worlds of distribution, sales and retail. What do the public want? How do they get it? What makes people buy (and not buy!) books? What can you do to maximise your chances of success and give his sales team a nice, easy job when it comes to actually getting your books out there into peoples' hands? And where is publishing going - and where should we as writers be going as a result?

So there you have it - a series of what promise to be enjoyable evenings for anyone interested in writing and publishing as we embark on the run-up to the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature - the link will take you to my sessions at the LitFest. :)

For the Umbrella Series Workshops, please let Librarian Sarah Malki know which sessions you'd like to attend. You can drop her a mail at sarah@thearchive.ae or phone The Archive on 04 349 4033. If you want its location, pop over to www.thearchive.ae or this post if you want to find out more about The Archive.

Viral and Virality

virus (Photo credit: twenty_questions)

It has been quite a week for things viral around here - I posted the other day about Gerald Donovan's amazing interactive 360 degree Burj Khalifa panorama of Dubai and my professional involvement with the campaign to get it 'out there'.

Like many of my colleagues, I have always had contempt for ad agency people who announce they are setting out to create 'viral content' because they are almost certainly doomed to failure. The harder you try to create something with that quality, the more likely you are to find yourself naked in a crowded square holding something dead in your hand with small children jeering at you. In a cold wind.

There are also some burning questions inherent in the use of the term. How many/how fast is 'viral'? What makes viral things viral? What is the 'quality' of viral? The answer to the latter is 'Nobody knows' - a cat falling off a desk, Justin Beiber, Gerald's pano - these are all different types of viral. You can set out to create a piece of content that people will really, really want to share and watch it die the death of the neglected, while at the same time a puppy being scared by a hoover being switched on spreads across the Internet like nightshade falling across the earth in a one minute motion-capture. It's almost unguessable.

One man who knows more than most about how to create great, engaging content is Matthew Inman. He's the chap behind that most humorous of websites, The Oatmeal. His presentation on going viral, given at South by Southwest two years ago makes impressive watching. It contains learnings and is very, very funny. Which is as good as you can get, really. The whole thing's an hour, but you can drop the Q&A and not miss much, to be honest. It's linked here for your viewing pleasure.

You'll perhaps note that The Oatmeal doesn't really set out to be 'viral' as such, but Inman does create a constant flow of solid, amusing and shareable content. He has a wide (millions) viewership and enormous followings on Twitter and Facebook, both platforms he uses to extend the reach of The Oatmeal and draw readers to the content he's posting on The Oatmeal itself. Although he doesn't use, or need, the likes of Reddit anymore, he used them heavily to establish the site, participating in those communities to seed content among aggressive sharers by being one of them.

But his stuff wouldn't have got anywhere if it hadn't been distinctive, unusual and highly entertaining - shareable and willingly adopted (at least initially) by those communities of sharers.

If you have amazing content and a strong, well-implemented strategy you can improve your chances, but it's still pretty hit and miss. Even I, as stunning as I find Mr. D's work (and I have watched his images 'go viral' in the past - he does seem to have a 'nose' for it), had a wobble or two early this week.

If you're building a property online (A website, a campaign or a brand), there's no substitute for building audiences and communities organically. And that means not one flash in the pan event, but a constant flow of high quality, relevant, engaging content. It's a long road - but there's no panacea. Whatever the guy with the ponytail from the agency claims he can do with 'a viral'...

Windows 8. Regrets, I've Had A Few...

I have to report, the road  to Windows 8 has not been a smooth journey. There's much to like about Microsoft's new OS but the whole experience has left me feeling rather as if I'm the only person in this place to have actually upgraded to it.

First there was the great Firefox debacle - the badly documented fact that Firefox doesn't support Windows 8 (and, by the way, Chrome doesn't support Windows RT) only came to light after I had gone on a long journey to find out why Skype had stopped working. It's stopped working again but this time around I simply can't be bothered. I'm using the iPad for that instead.

Now Explorer, by no means my browser of choice, has also stopped working and I don't know what to do. There's no obvious option to repair or reinstall it. You can almost hear Barney's whiny Midwestern sing-song, 'Heyy, li'l guy! That's under the bonnet! You don't wanna go snoopin' around under the bonnet!' The support forums for Windows 8 have each got four or five topics on them, as if there are only about a hundred people in the world using this software. Microsoft support is so hard to find (particularly with a half-broken browser), I've just given up and installed Chrome.

The great selling point for Windows 8 is that it's touch enabled. If you've found yourself habitually reaching out to swipe a laptop screen, you'll appreciate the fact that you can now do it and have something happen. All of the great versions of Windows have had a 'raison d'etre' - Windows 3.0 sealed Microsoft's outright leadership not only of the OS market but of the application market, by breaking the DOS 640k barrier and simultaneously leading competitors to develop for OS/2. Windows NT didn't break. And Windows 7 wasn't  Vista.

With that in mind, Windows 8's great USP is touch, but it hedges its bets with a desktop. So you have, effectively, two interfaces - the 'Metro' swipey interface and a desktop interface that isn't quite so touch friendly. So don't go putting that mouse on Dubizzle quite yet.

There are some parts of Windows 8 that really work. It's more intuitive and things are generally where you'd expect to find 'em. There's very little 'getting started' help - I had to Google how to close an app (a much clunkier gesture than Apple's) because there was nobody from MS telling you. Likewise, the relationship between the Metro interface and Desktop is something you're left to find out for yourself. Microsoft's Mail app is cool, but won't let you use the Search features within Gmail. It all feels a bit 'give a little, take a little' to tell you the truth.

And this is why I fear for Microsoft and Windows 8. If there were a major, mass-market interface competitor (if Google were hardcore about Chrome OS), this would be a very dangerous time indeed for Microsoft.

Windows 8 is an inflection point - and inflection points in technology are always terribly dangerous times. We're locked into technology by familiarity, and the greater our investment in an interface, the greater our 'stickiness' as users is. When you ask me to relearn that interface, you're asking me to go through the same pain barrier as deserting you and going with another provider.

The trouble with Windows 8 is it's a halfway house. The next version of Windows will have to complete the move to touch and finally junk the desktop, because Windows needs to do something huge, not something whimpery and tentative. That means applications written for touch - and there are very few of those out there right now outside games and the like. At this rate of adoption, developers won't be leaping to embrace Windows 8, either.

Having moved to Windows 8, I would probably counsel anyone thinking about it to stick with Windows 7. The pain of the move has been infinitely greater than any benefits I have gained. If that's the feedback from other users, the already reportedly slow adoption of Windows 8 is not going to speed up anytime soon.

I never thought I'd see the day, but Microsoft looks extremely vulnerable right now. 

The Burj Khalifa Pinnacle Panorama

Gerald Donovan's stunning 360 degree interactive panorama of Dubai taken from the top of the Burj Khalifa. I'm doing something I rarely/never do in mixing business with pleasure, as we worked together on the campaign to release this image to a select number of major international media outlets.

I do recommend a visit (it's linked here) - and particularly if you're able to go there from a tablet or smartphone. The fun of ducking, weaving and bobbing around a room like a lunatic as you fly through the sky 828 metres above Dubai is inestimable.

The image is being hosted by HIPA - His Highness Sheikh Hamdan Bin Rashid's International Photography Award. Promoters of all things photographic, they have been highly supportive throughout the whole process, from conception to sharing.

Being 'on the inside' of this one was almost unbearable. Mr D and I are both children at heart and so keeping a lid on this was totally alien to the geek in both of us which just wanted to share the fun. More so for Gerald - he's the one wot climbed the last 200 metres above the upper limit of the Burj's 10 metre per second lifts (the 160th floor) and then stood in the small 1.5 metre circular pit at the pinnacle of the world's tallest tower and snapped tens of shots to be stitched painstakingly together into this amazing interactive/experiential image/thing.

He earnestly assures me the whole experience brought no sense of vertigo whatsoever. I still don't believe him.

A Very Literary Fellow

I'm going to be infesting The Emirates Airline Festival of Literature again this year. For the first time, I'm on the main programme, so I'll have the smoking jacket, cravat and a Sobranie in an ebonite holder.

On Thursday 7th March at 5.30pm, I'm moderating The Blogging Panel and will be joined onstage by some pretty heavyweight blogging types: social commentator, writer and journalist Shobhaa De, Russian crime fiction writer and social activist Boris Akunin, CNN journalist Caroline Faraj and locally-based newly-published author Kathy Shalhoub. For your Dhs60, you'll get an hour of insight into why these people bother with blogs, heated debate about the nature and changing role of media and, if I have anything to do with it, some troublemaking. I have the distinct feeling there'll be drinks afterwards...

On Friday 8th March from 3-4pm, I'll be onstage with Egyptian author of Come With Me From Jerusalem Kamal Abdel-Malek, talking about our Tales of Two Cities (I'll be blethering about Beirut - An Explosive Thriller, of course). We're both chatty, engaging types with plenty to say, so this session promises to be lively, interesting and impossibly random, which will be just lovely! Again,
you'll be relieved of Dhs 60 for the privilege!

And then on Saturday the 9th, from 1.30-2.30, I'll be in the delightful position of taking to the stage to chat with chef, cookery school owner and writer Anissa Helou in a session titled Life as a Modern Mezze! As any of you who remember The Blog Formerly Known As The Fat Expat will attest, I am far too interested in food for my own good, so I'm really looking forward to this session. A formidable intellect with many hats, Anissa will undoubtedly provide an hour's thought provoking and entertaining dialogue as well as a few tips for getting that mujadarah just right! :) Once again, the pleasure will cost you a mere Dhs 60.

And before you ask, no, none of the proceeds end up in my pocket! See you there!
 

Life In The Sharjah Lane

The above is a little present for any of you in the UK right now, thawing out from last week's cold snap, surrounded by drizzle and grey lumps of hardened snow. It's the view up from my sun lounger at the poolside of the Radisson Sharjah this weekend. No, no, don't thank me. It's fine. All part of the service. You're welcome.

Sarah's working in Dubai at the moment which means we're doing the hop across the border to work - border rats both. We had a quick chat over the weekend (while lying on those sun loungers, natch) about whether we want to move to live in Dubai and the answer remains an emphatic no.

Sharjah's not as 'sophisticated' as Dubai. We don't have organic markets and our smattering of smaller shopping malls lack the glitz and glamour of the World's Greatest Malls. There aren't world class restaurants around every corner or phalanxes of five star hotels lining every street. But that's okay.

There are souks and backstreet stores, little haberdashery shops and stalls selling mad plastic stuff alongside bolts of cloth and hairclips. There are poor stores that sell dried loomi, loofahs and sacks of spices and herbal remedies. There's the cloth souk with its dazzling shop windows interspersed with rickety little tailors' shops, a tiny area of goldsmiths nestled in its core. And, of course, the Blue Souk (or Souk Al Markazi to give its proper name), perfume souk, vegetable souk, animal souk and fish market. These remain distinctively organic places, alive and human rather than planned and polished. There are museums and art galleries.

They're excavating the car park behind the fort in 'Bourj', where you can see the traceries and lines of coral buildings. It looks like the already extensive heritage area is about to get even bigger. It's a lovely area to walk in this time of year. Now they've moved the dhow wharfage to the other side of the creek, I think the 'Irani souk', one of the last surviving (every Emirate had an 'Irani souk' where the dhows would hove to from Iran and sell their wares - the souks became solidified, rather in the way 'speedbump communities' like the Masafi Friday Market do) will dissipate.

We went wandering in the hardware souk. Madness. Most entertaining. It's been a while since we last did that.

Sharjah suits us just fine, thanks...