Sharjah Salik Gates. Dubai's Hundred Million Dollar Baby

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Back in 2007, when Dubai's Salik road toll was first talked about, there were rumblings and mumblings that the Al Ittihad road linking Dubai and Sharjah would be one of the locations for toll gates. The feared gate didn't materialise at the time. In fact, Dubai's Road and Transport Authority was at pains to dampen speculation regarding a 'phase two' which meant, of course, that phase two was just around the corner.

When it came, phase two added a gate to the Sheikh Zayed Road and one to Maktoum Bridge. Both of these, as the original gates, were avoidable, but only by taking a more roundabout route. In fact the RTA, which likes to trumpet its green credentials (even going so far as to award a silver-plated cow's aorta for sustainable transport), has created a system of tolls that lengthens thousands of commuters' journeys each day by taking the most direct route.

And so it is with the new gates, which set the extraordinary precedent of taxing travel between two emirates. You'll be able to make a tax-free Sharjah/Dubai journey by travelling out to the E311 (The Road Formerly Known As The Emirates Road), a significantly longer drive than the Ittihad road. This is predicated on the vast road improvement scheme currently underway on the E311, which upgrades the junctions leading up to the infamous National Paints Roundabout and is intended to remove the bottleneck at National Paints. This is scheduled, we are told, for completion in April. I'll be delighted if it is, but looking at the current state of National Paints I simply can't see it happening.

What will happen if the changes to National Paints aren't ready or, worse, turn out not to work? Will the RTA go ahead, turn on Salik on April 15 (the announced 'go live' date) and create massive, snarling jams on a road already comprehensively choked by the large volume of inter-emirate traffic it carries? The move will certainly put huge pressure on a brand new road network in a known and notorious traffic hotspot. But then it's Sharjah's problem, isn't it? Dubai won't care, it'll be too busy counting the proceeds.

Back when it was launched, Salik was meant to raise Dhs600 million a year in fees according to 'traffic expert' and chairman of the RTA, Mattar Al Tayer. It's consistently whizzed past those targets, raising a stunning Dhs669 million in 2008 and 776 million in 2009. Media reports in 2011 told of Salik being used to underpin securitised loans of Dhs 2.93 billion based on its revenues to 2015. Apart from that, we have seen few up to date figures on Salik revenues - but a four year loan of Dhs2.93 billion would be about consistent with 2009 revenues - a tad over Dhs730 million a year. There's no doubt, whatever its impact on traffic has been, it has been an amazing success financially.

Now, with the Ittihad road carrying some 260,000 vehicles a day, an amazing number but one that comes straight from the horse's mouth, the RTA can look forward to raising a cool million dirhams a day or a hundred million dollars a year. According to the RTA itself, the whole scheme is intended to divert some 1500 vehicles per day to the E311 or E611 Dubai Bypass Road. I can see a lot more than 1,500 people choosing to take the long way round to avoid paying Dhs8 per day. Most people around here would buy and sell you for a Dirham.

That's effectively a hundred million dollar tax on travel to and from Sharjah. Neat.

It also means you're paying Dhs28 straight away to any taxi to take you to Dubai before the meter starts ticking and Dhs36 if you cross any of the 'internal' Salik gates. When I first came here, you could get a cab to Chicago Beach from Sharjah for Dhs25. Ah, me, but those were the days, eh?

Win LitFest Tickets!

Win? Yes, win! LitFest Tickets? Yes, LitFest tickets!

To The Blogging Panel at the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature.

5.30pm on Thursday 7th March will see yours truly onstage at the Emirates Airline Festival of Literature, hosting four most excellent people in a discussion about the world of online and its role and relevance to their lives and work - the blogging panel. And I must say, they are a most interesting bunch.

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Shobhaa De is a bestselling author and Times of India columnist, a former model and magazine editor and a well-known Indian socialite and public figure. She is the author of some seventeen books, the latest of which is the hard-hitting political novel Sethji.

Long a consulting editor for Penguin Books in India, in 2010 she launched her own imprint under the Penguin brand. Her popular blog (linked above) carries notes from her life as well as her columns. Interestingly, in a recent post, she asked the question, "What’s a Lit Fest without at least one juicy controversy?"
What indeed!

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Cathy Shalhoub is a little bit of Lebanon in Dubai. Well, a little bit of Lebanon and Poland via New York and Boston. She can design submarine robots, has engineered marine optics but prefers to write books, which is a choice many at the LitFest would admire. Her first book, Life as a Leb-neh Lover takes an amused look at the Lebanese identity in diaspora and was actually based on her blog.

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Caroline Faraj is a seasoned journalist and is well known as the editor of CNNArabic.com. Formerly the senior political reporter at Jordan's Al Rai and managing editor of The Jordan Times, she has also worked for Dubai TV and Bahrain TV. She has her feet firmly in two camps - 'traditional' journalism working for a major global news organisation and working with online properties - CNNArabic.com turned ten last year.

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Boris Akunin has sold over 25 million books in Russia alone. It's actually a pseudonym - his real name is Grigory Shalvovich Chkhartishvili. His Erast Fandorin novels are fascinating romps through the late C19th, set in Russia and Japan and zing with intelligence, energy and constantly twist and turn like twisty turny things.

Fascinatingly, Akunin became a social activist at a time in his life when he would be forgiven for sitting back and enjoying the fruits of his literary success - Akunin has been a key figure in the anti-Putin protests in Russia and memorably used his blog to publicise a walk around Moscow's statues of famous poets in a test of freedom of movement. Calling a couple of author friends and dropping a post on his blog (linked above - you'll need Google Translate, Boris blogs in Russian) to announce the walk, he arrived on the day to find ten thousand people waiting to join him.

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Four very different people with very different outlooks on life. One hour. And a troublemaker. I'm looking forward to this mightily.

So how can you WIN yourself two SMASHING tickets to this most fascinating session FREE? Simply by clicking on this link, signing up to The McNabboGram, my lovely emailer, and answering the question in this Friday's LitFest edition of the mailer. There'll also be interesting book links and a freebie, too. What larks!

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP!

Ikea Meatballs - More Horsing Around

The latest retailer to fall under the hooves of horsegate is Swedish low cost furniture company Ikea. Funny, isn't it, how this is hitting low cost brands so hard? It seems like wherever there's been excessive pressure to cut costs and the presence of 'white label' food processors in the supply chain, a little whinny can be heard.

Interestingly, Ikea's UAE website doesn't have any information relating to the recall (at the time of writing), although Ikea's Swedish site does have a flash that points to a press release detailing the recall - Ikea says it tested its food products two weeks ago for horse DNA but that a fresh test has come up with the goods and so they have recalled the product. All fair and good.

Oddly, the company identified as being at the heart of the adulteration of Ikea's iconic meatballs, Swedish food processor, Familjen Dafgård, has made no changes to its website apart from posting a press announcement (with no links from the home page) on its otherwise moribund 'press releases' section - there are two other releases on there, one from 2011 and one from 2012. The company's statement, in Swedish only but brought to you by the marvel and occasional strangeness that is Google Translate. In its entirety, is as follows:

We have received information from a Czech laboratory that a party meatballs may contain traces of horse meat.
Current batch has been closed and we are investigating the situation.
We perform ongoing extensive own DNA analysis. We continue our sampling to investigate the situation.
We will further test results within the next few days and can provide more information in the case.

(my bold)

You'd be forgiven for thinking that's not really the hottest of responses. It's certainly very sparse indeed compared to Ikea's much more comprehensive and informative recall announcement. Amusingly, as the eagle-eyed among you may already have spotted from the website grab above, the Familjen Dafgård website still flashes up pictures of the company's delicious meatballs. Mmmm!

This company is in what we in the business call a PR crisis. It is the subject of global media attention and is potentially responsible for sickening and letting down tens of thousands of consumers across Europe as well as dropping Ikea, a major customer, in the dung. The only reason I'm saying potentially is because some media outlets have stopped short of naming the company as specifically responsible at this stage, although the New York Times (linked above) does name it. The doubts over its Ikea products have to cast doubts over  the company's other products, including the lovely lasagne that is such a prominent feature of its home page. We all know what's in cheap lasagne these days, don't we kids? Yup, "Newmarket Steak"!

'Within the next few days' simply isn't an option any more. You need to react with blinding speed, get as much information as you can out there and keep it flowing. If you have a website, you need to update it fast with consumer information. Ideally, you would already have developed 'dark sites' for potential crises, however notionally unthinkable, and then work on managing your response to consumer concern with all the resources at your disposal. Dark sites are ready-made webpages that you can cut to immediately

Even without a 'dark site' Your website needs to change to meet the circumstances. Joyfully promoting  meat balls on the homepage when your meat ball products have been recalled from stores around Europe is not what you'd call smart.

You need to get to the truth as quickly as possible, show that you're interested and committed to that process and share as much as you sensibly (and responsibly) can as it surfaces. You need to establish clear lines of communication for media and consumers alike and ensure that you have a statement of your position out as quickly as possible - ideally using multiple media platforms.

You need to find out what went wrong, fast. And then you need to fix it. And tell people how you've fixed it. Because needing a few days to investigate your supply chain in the current environment is really something of a worry. You've had weeks of notice that something's wrong out there. You look incredibly complacent as a result.

You don't need to do all this to minimise the immediate impact of the crisis and media coverage. You do this because today is the first day of your long road back to regaining consumer trust and confidence. Sticking your fingers in your ear and shouting lalalala does not, I submit, do this.

And, by the way, in the current environment, any company that is involved in the manufacture, sale or distribution of foodstuffs (and, yes, I'm including hotels and restaurants) that doesn't have a comprehensive crisis plan in place that includes digital platforms at the heart of the plan is simply totally insane.

GeekFest Dubai - McNabb Moves On

Back in July 2009, a post appeared on this very blog heralding the first GeekFest Dubai. Well, just GeekFest, actually, because there was never a plan for anything other than, well, one GeekFest event.

My brother in law quickly slapped together a logo for me and on the 29th of that very month, Shelter Curator Saadia Zahid, Simone Sebastian (who had arranged the original coffee meeting between Saadi and I that launched the whole potty scheme) and I sat giggling in The Shelter waiting to see if anyone would turn up and, if they did, whether any of them could actually speak without having to text or Tweet. Over a hundred smart, highly voluble and delighted communicators pitched up and much offline socialising was done by that very online group of people.

It was something of a revelation for us. Dubai didn't have gigs like this - smart people giving free-flowing talks to smart audiences on topics ranging from Mosque 2.0 to the future of newspapers and trekking across Nepal, gamers playing alongside humans and not biting them, digital art displays and workshops. All sorts of things going on! We quickly carved out some guiding principles (Eventually to be enshrined in The GeekiFesto), including the fact the event would be UNorganised - the organising force was not to be a gatekeeper, owner or, indeed, force. GeekFest was to be a cry of yahoooo! from the community that made it happen, nobody was going to tell anybody what to do, where to go, what to say or when to do it.

GeekFest Dubai span off GeekFests in Abu Dhabi, Jeddah, Sharjah, Damascus, Amman, Cairo and Beirut. I have to say, the last GeekFest Beirut featured fashion shows, rock gigs and all sorts and was a total blast!

And of course, GeekFests around the region gained the benefit of Naeema Zarif's stunning visual identities, those juxtaposed compositions that brought such wit and quirkiness to it all...

GeekFest Dubai ran relatively regularly every two months or so until 2012, when it sort of ran out of steam. Saadi had left The Shelter and the Shelter itself turned into New Premises. I had always said when it started to matter, I'd stop doing it and I found myself rather trying too hard to bring the event together. It wasn't about that.

I was tempted to let it die, but something as good and fun as GeekFest just won't expire like old yoghurt. GeekFest Jeddah is still alive and they're talking about GeekFest Cairo now. So perhaps it's time to pass on the baton - in future GeekFest Dubai will be UNorganised by the team at T-Break, the website for gadget lovers, gamers, goons and geeks - together with Leith Matthews, the Man Behind Make.

And so I am delighted to be able to tell you that GeekFest Dubai  - The YouTube Edition - will take place once again at Make Business Hub in the Al Fattan Tower behind JBR on Thursday 28th March from 7pm onwards.

If you want more information, you can hassle @theregos on Twitter or follow @geekfestdubai for updates or look out for news and info at the GeekFest Dubai microsite - http://www.tbreak.com/geekfest which is now live, if not quite populated yet!

This, ladies and gentlemen, should be FUN!!!

The Emirates A380 Door Problem - A Communications Lesson?

 (Photo credit: engineroomblog)

The Daily Mail is a massively popular newspaper in the UK and also boasts the world's top online news site, with over 100 million visits. It does what it does remarkably well, catchy attention-getting headlines combine with a tone of moral outrage that nicely captures the sentiments of the British 'man in the street'.

So 'terror at 27,000 feet' is a very Mail story - and that's precisely what it served up on February 15th with a story that a door 'blew open' on an Emirates A380. As the headline tells us: "Terror at 27,000ft: Crew plug gap in super jumbo jet door with blankets and pillows stuck together with gaffer tape after it 'blows open' during the flight."

The whole story's stood up on the testimony of British tourist David Reid and taken at face value, it's awful. Terrified crew hiding under their chairs, the atmosphere visible through the gap in the door, cabin pressure drop, freezing conditions and yet despite all this the pilot decided to carry on flying. Horrendous.

"...the door in business class came an inch and a half ajar, leaving a gaping hole, said Mr Reid"

It's only when you start to read the comments left by readers you might have a different perspective on the story that rings rather more factually than the story itself. They point out that the A380's doors can't actually open in-flight as they open inwards and are fixed by their shape 'like a plug' and that any pressure drop at this altitude would have caused the oxygen masks to automatically deploy which the images in the story clearly show has not been the case. They, reasonably, point out that a door open by a fraction at 27,000 feet would suck out any blankets being used to plug the gap and they also make the point that crew can't actually hide under their chairs - one of the more colourful lines in a pleasantly lurid story. Oh - and cold air wouldn't come into the cabin, air would escape. And so on.

As Crikey's Ben Sandilands points out, the "Emirates A380 door explosion story is rubbish." Notably, two Australian websites that gaily parroted the story have since taken it down.

The Mail's reader comments are remarkable for the fact they have been 'rated' by other readers using the Mail's comment rating system - the more sensible ones have been promoted by over two thousand people. And while thousands more have rated other comments criticising the story to the top of the comments pile, over five thousand 'liked' the story - and over ten thousand tweeted it.

Well, it's too good not to share, really, isn't it? Even if it is clearly bunkum.

In all, over 770 people commented on the story, of whom the majority (and the majority of 'upwards' rated comments) are negative about the story being told, correct its factual basis and criticise the Mail for the 'standard of journalism' it represents. The Mail has closed comments now.

The Mail's pieceis an excellent example of not letting the truth get in the way of a good story - Emirates' statement is pretty clear, although perhaps a little disjointed.

The Mail quotes Emirates as saying ‘We can confirm there was a whistling noise emanating from one of the doors on the A380 upper deck on flight EK384 between Bangkok and Hong Kong on Monday, February 11. At no point was the safety of the flight in jeopardy.’ 

That statement was later updated (and the Mail is at pains to make the fact it was later updated) to include, "At no time during the flight did one of the upper deck doors open. There was also no loss in cabin pressurisation at any time during the flight. The noise from the door was caused by a small dimensional difference between the inflated door seal and the door lower frame striker plate, when the door is in the closed position. This is currently under investigation in conjunction with Airbus. Emirates have now fixed the problem. The blankets were placed around the door to abate the whistling sound emanating from the door, not to prevent the door from opening. There was no point during the incident where the safety of the flight was in jeopardy. In addition, the green light next to the door does not represent that the door is open. It is an Attendant Indication Panel and is used for communication information for the Cabin Crew."

This statement is given right at the end of the story, after all the damage has been done. No matter how ringing the denial, the Mail's piece is structured to deliver its 'terrifying ordeal' sucker punch before any factual statement from Emirates is made.

It's not a nice situation to be in - and it is one I have been in more times than I care to recall - when you get those incoming calls from newspapers - particularly the UK press. You've got to get onto the story fast, finding out whatever facts you can internally before deciding quite what to do externally. You have to check your facts scrupulously - a burden the journalist (as you can see from the above) doesn't necessarily have to bear. And then you have to decide quite what you're going to say in response to the story. When you've got a newspaper that reaches 100 million people, 'no comment' is rarely going to be the solution. But then getting into a point by point argument isn't smart, either - you're never going to get your point by point rebuttal in the front of the story and you're not going to stop the story running, either. Even if it's clearly rubbish.

One of the interesting aspects of communications in the online age is the role of communities - the reader comments provide plenty of rebuttal of the factual basis for the story - the Internet is famously self-correcting. The other one is speed - you don't even have the luxury of a few hours and the burden on the communicator is consequently multiplied, get to the facts, check them, consult, decide on a response, craft that response and have a follow-up plan in place. As you're doing this, the journalist will be pressuring you as much as possible - not only do they want to break their story first, but a harried and panicking comms guy can often be a journalist's best friend.

The key is to try and make one definitive statement that is as crisp and monolithic as possible. This is always easier when the picture is clear and straightforward (and when your flow of information internally is fast and totally reliable) and when you are quite sure you have absolutely all of the facts.

And pick your fights - deal with the umbrella charge, don't get led into trying to nitpick your way through a story so full of holes your statement loses its authority in a tide of 'he said, she said' rebuttal.

Food Adultery

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I must start by recommending you read this article in the New York Times, "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food", It's long, but very readable indeed. Don't worry about me, I can wait 'till you're back.

Done? Scary wasn't it? I loved one quote from a Coke executive outlining his sales problem: “How can we drive more ounces into more bodies more often?” The whole idea of an industry focused on that problem, using complex food science, packaging and marketing based on psychology all focused on a single trigger in us all, the need to consume food and drink. Not just meeting that need, but driving it, extending it and blowing it up beyond any reasonable limit.

The result has not only been the creation of a fat, bloated nation (Luke commented a few posts ago about the irony of a world where the poor are fat and the rich are thin, which does rather take one aback) with a massive diabetes problem, but the creation of a society which has come to accept, even expect, the adulteration of food by companies.

And then Europe gets all bleeding heart about horsemeat? Look at the practices the food industry has evolved in the pursuit of competitive advantage, the ways in which food is already twisted out of all reasonable expectation of its remaining pure, natural and healthy. Pink slime is the tip of an iceberg of people getting sick from bacterial diseases contracted from deep-injected steak marinades, minced up bonemeal and water-injection making cheap meat heavier and practices such as MSM - mechanically separated meat. We're not even starting to explore hydrogenated fats, trans-fats, HFCS and the myriad other creepy crawlies companies are 'driving' into consumers.

In fact, it is one of these delightful industrial processes that lies behind horsemeatgate - desinewed meat. This is a low pressure bone stripping process that gets the shreds of meat off slaughtered animal bones, resulting in the production of a mince-like substance that can be easily turned into ground meat processed foods such as, oh I don't know, lasagne, burgers or cottage pies. The European Commission banned the use of the process in beef and lamb, although it can be used in poultry and pork as long as it's labelled as MSM (mechanically separated meat).

The result was to give added impetus to the search for cheap meat by processors. We're in a recession, don't forget, so the pressure's on for those 'value' lines of food to outstrip each other, cheaper foods always come at a price - added sugar, extra filler, lots of salt and MSG to bring flavour back to food that's been leached of flavour by processing. And buyers presented with a cheaper beef mince aren't going to look the gift horse in the mouth. Because there are managers assessing their performance, directors aiming to outsell competitors and grow market share for shareholders to be satisfied with their dividends.

It's actually a very short hop from packing cheap fats, salt and sugars into foods designed for maximal shelf-life, scientifically optimised 'mouth feel' and hitting consumers' 'bliss point' to packing horsemeat into beef meals. We've accepted the fundamental principle - that we'll tolerate foods that are not what they seem to be on the packaging (blueberry muffin, anyone?). The question now is only how far companies will go in their mendacity. I suspect I know the answer - and it's not horsemeat.

Favourite Things

 (Photo credit: Aureusbay)

I had reason to have a quick rummage around in the blog archives recently and was mildly surprised to find myself being entertained by an earlier incarnation of me writing six years ago.

It's funny how much has changed in that time - and at the same time how little. Here are a few of my favourite things from the early days of that archive. I might find a few more one of the days...

Here's one on 'The Deal'. I was going to post about this the other day and had forgotten discussing the topic before. The Deal is what you sign up to when you become an expat in the UAE. So how has The Deal changed?

Not for the first time, I railed at the quality of local journalism in this post. The ill-fated Emirates 24x7 newspaper had embarked on a campaign to 'save the wadi fish' and I was sore amazed...

"The summer is upon us and the relentless tide of infinite-eyed, grinning evil is around the corner." My first post about the little yellow thingy that accompanies Dubai Summer Surprises. It has to be said, the little chap has been a great deal less prevalent than in years passim, but the "relentless tide of infinite-eyed, grinning evil" phrase has rather stayed with me...

This post about our Green Day themed dustbin made me chuckle, I must confess.

But of the early posts here on FPS, this one here contains the real money shot. The advice at the end of it is priceless indeed...

Book Post - Beirut - An Explosive Thriller Formats

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Someone just found out they could get Beirut - An Explosive Thriller on Kindle. Whaaat? How could anyone in the world not have known that? I really have been under-doing the promotion, haven't I?

Here for your reading pleasure are the formats Beirut is available in - and, for attendees at last nights fab (if somewhat café-noisy) Umbrella Series workshop at The Archive, my reasoning for making these formats available.

Paperback

First and foremost, Beirut - An Explosive Thriller (as well as Olives - A Violent Romance) is available in paperback from all good UAE bookshops, including Kino's, Magrudy's, Jashanmal and book counters at supermarkets, including Carrefour, Abela and Spinneys. Virgin prefers not to stock my books.

Internationally, you can buy Beirut in paperback from Amazon.com for $15.99 or if you want you can buy a copy for just over $30. This is a side-effect of bookseller algorithms going mad.

You can buy Beirut in paperback from Amazon.co.uk for £8.99 with FREE shipping anywhere in the UK. You can also buy it from Amazon across Europe. Alternatively, if you're based somewhere windswept and interesting, The Book Depository will sell you a copy of Beirut in paperback for just £10.34 with free delivery worldwide. Not, ironically, including Lebanon...

If you prefer to support local bookshops, you can order Beirut - An Explosive Thriller from any UK or US bookshop by quoting ISBN: 978-1477586594.

Ebook

Beirut - An Explosive Thriller is available as a Kindle ebook from Amazon.co.uk and amazon.com. You can also get it from other Amazon stores for your Kindle.

If you own a Nook e-reader, you can get Beirut from Barnes & Noble here. Alternatively, if you prefer Kobo, that's linked here. If you want a copy of the book for your iPad or any Android tablet, you can buy the ePub format ebook from Smashwords at this here link. Alternatively, a quick search of Apple's iBooks will yield a gloriously buyable copy of Beirut for your iPad.

Formats

With the above formats, there's no way you can avoid Beirut - An Explosive Thriller - a paperback delivered anywhere in the world, an ebook delivered to any reader anywhere in the world. All with the flick of a few switches. You can now happily let friends and family know where they can get this most thrillsome of books delivered to them within a few days for paperback or a few seconds in any e-reader format. Or even better, you can go crazy and buy them as gifts! :)

If you'd like to browse more formats and 'where to buy' links or generally find out more about Beirut - An Explosive Thriller, the book's website is linked here. There's background info and stuff. And don't forget, you can sign up to my email list using the box above and get free books, updates, info and other wonderfulness.

HSBC Dubai - More Trouble On The Cards?

ATM (Photo credit: Modern Relics)

I am very proud to be the owner of a school report, penned by my harried teacher back when I was eight years of age, which contains the immortal words, "Alexander's cynicism can sometimes be extremely annoying."

I can only say the intervening forty years have intensified that youthful trait, although I do try and preserve some form of occasional blind optimism, just so I can prove I would have been better off sticking to expecting the worst from those around me.

This is rarely more so the case than in my dealings with the bank that has managed to in some way fail in the provision of every banking service I have ever required of it. I'm serious. You name something a bank might do for you and I can recount a tale of how they have at least once goofed it up for me in the past two decades they have been enlivening my life.

So you can only imagine the look of dark suspicion I gave the new sparkly red card that landed on my doorstep some months ago. It has a chip thingy embedded in it and the comforting words HSBC Advance Platinum Debit Visa Paywave printed on its front. This card replaces my ATM card and also acts as a debit card - and will support 'touchless' transactions. You just wave the card at a terminal like a modern Gandalf and smiling retailers are recompensed for the good or service they are providing you.

Huzzah!

I refused to use it. Something's bound to be wrong with it. I just didn't want the inevitable headlong descent into The Call Centre after some transaction had debited the Chilean national debt from my account or given all my money to an oran utan sanctuary in Sarawak. I carried on with my battered old 'analogue' ATM card.

And then comes a missive from the bank. The old ATM cards are on the way out, mate, you'll have to use your new HSBC Advance Platinum Debit Visa Paywave card. They've got an 800 number to change or reset your PIN and so I called it (fear and loathing in my black heart) only to find the process easy, seamless and brilliantly managed.

Gulp.

Then I went to an ATM and used the card. And it worked. Perfectly. First time. I was in a state of shock, I kid you not. A lady had to ask me to move aside as I had frozen in situ and was gibbering softly to myself.

And then I realised. The new card only gives me access to one of the three accounts I hold with them. The old card gave me access to all three accounts. So I now have a new sparkly chip and PIN HSBC Advance Platinum Debit Visa Paywave card that is 33% as functional as the old one in the main purpose I hold an ATM card for - accessing my accounts using an ATM.

That discovering this provoked in me a feeling of grim satisfaction is itself something of a worry...

A Thing About Lifts, Or In The UAE, Elevators.

(Photo credit: Jose R. Borras)

I try not to post too much about lifts (or elevators if you hail from the Land Of The Free And Home Of The Brave) just in case I start getting press releases from Express Lifts and the like, but they really are a unique symptom of the hyper-diverse melting pot that is the United Arab Emirates - that meeting place of the cultural tectonic plates of East and West.

A lot of people here, in the face of copious evidence to the contrary, believe that pressing the 'down' button brings a lift down to you. Not only is this not the case, it also results in you ending up in the basement when you actually wanted to scale the lofty heights of the upper floors. Not unnaturally, having predicted a different outcome to that achieved, you are puzzled. In your understandable disorientation, you neglect to notice that not only has the lift gone in an unexpected direction, it has reset itself. And so you shrug fatalistically and wait for the diversion to be over and the lift to do that which you had originally anticipated.

It is at this point that a second cultural trait plays an important role in proceedings. There is a certain vanity abroad that means any lift fitted with a mirror (and most are mirrored, for some reason. Presumably to alleviate claustrophobia) must immediately be used to admire, stroke and even, whipping out a back-pocketed comb, brush the hair.

And so you find that not only has your lift been diverted to the basement (where you have doubtlessly encountered a rather grumpy looking Englishman who might even, particularly when overdue leave and finding you and many others have actually filled the lift to capacity when it arrives in the basement, ask you quite why you are there) but it then takes you to a completely unexpected floor. You might at this point realise that something is amiss and if you don't take some sort of remedial action you might even die of thirst in there. And so you press the button of the floor you want to go to.

Sadly, however, you're already on the way down and someone else has pressed the 'down' button on the ground floor in order to call the lift. In the basement once more, you will begin - understandably - to be alarmed. You could be in there for days. You dash out and, with a sense of relief, take the stairs - shaking your head at the wonderment of encountering yet another badly programmed lift button.

And that, for the benefit of attendees to The Umbrella Series Writing and Publishing Workshops being held at The Archive in Safa Park, is an example of the second person point of view in writing. Ha.