The UAE Cyber-Crime Law

English: Logo Information Technology (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The story dropped on national newswire WAM late Tuesday - past 6pm, when the papers would normally have pretty much been 'put to bed'. The UAE President His Highness Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan had issued Federal Legal Decree No. 5 for 2012 on "combating cyber crimes".

WAM story part one, part two and part three.

The new decree includes amendments to Federal Legal Decree No. 2 for 2006 on cyber crimes and is, as far as I am aware, the most comprehensive such law in the Middle East. The National team hit the phones like a wild thing and filed the story with comment. GN ran with WAM.

It's a pretty wide-ranging piece of legislation and includes many specific categories of online criminality, including human trafficking, trading in antiques, defamation, blasphemy, extortion and pornography. It repeatedly uses the phrase "using electronic sites or any information technology means to..."

The law includes some important clauses for those in the habit of posting comment and opinion online. Quoting the WAM file (extracting paras from the whole), the decree:

It also criminalizes acts by any one to insult others or to accuse others of acts which would lead to punishment or contempt by a third party, online or through any other information technology means.

It also stipulates punishments for any person creating or running an electronic site to publish, online or through any information technology means, any programmes or ideas which would promote disorder, hate, racism or sectarianism and damage national unity or social peace or damage public order and pubic decency.

It also stipulates punishments for any person for creating or running an electronic site to raise, online or through any information technology means, that may call for the raising of donations without authorization from the competent authorities.

It also stipulates penalties of imprisonment on any person who may create or run an electronic site or any information technology means, to deride or to damage the reputation or the stature of the state or any of its institutions, its President, the Vice President, any of the Rulers of the emirates, their Crown Princes, the Deputy Rulers, the national flag, the national anthem, the emblem of the state or any of its symbols.

It also stipulates penalties of imprisonment on any person publishing any information, news, caricatures or any other kind of pictures that would pose threats to the security of the state and to its highest interests or violate its public order.

It also stipulates penalties of imprisonment on any person creating or running an electronic site or any information technology means to engage in, or to call for, the overthrow of the system of government of the state or to seize it, or to seek to disrupt or obstruct the Constitution or the effective laws of the state, or to oppose the basic principles which constitute the foundations of the system of government of the state. The same punishment is imposed by the decree on anyone who calls for, promotes or provokes the aforementioned acts or abets or helps others to engage in them.

It also stipulates penalties of imprisonment on any person using electronic sites or any information technology means to call for disobeying the laws and regulations of the state that may be in effect.

It also stipulates penalties of imprisonment on any person using electronic sites or any information technology means to call for demonstrations, marches and similar activities without a license being obtained in advance from the competent authorities.

The new decree also imposes penalties of imprisonment to any person providing any organisations, bodies, institutions or entities, online or through any information technology means with misleading, inaccurate or incorrect information which would damage the interests of the state or damage its reputation and stature.

The new decree also imposes penalties of imprisonment and fines, or either of these, on any owner or administrator of an electronic website or any information technology means or devices for storing or intentionally providing illegal content ,despite his or her knowledge of the illegal nature of the content, or for not removing, or failing to prevent access to this illegal content within the period stated in a written warning sent to him by the competent authorities declaring the illegal status of the content available online or the electronic site.

There are no surprises in there - although you may take some comfort from the last para's explicit inclusion of a takedown order, which at least would avoid automatic recourse to the full might of the law. In the main, the clauses above merely reinforce the 'online' aspect of actions that were previously considered an offence 'offline'.

That last para would, however, be something of a worry to Google, for instance, which would now presumably face a takedown order with the threat of imprisonment for its local representative or a fine for the corporation for hosting 'illegal content' in the definition of the law, which does include content which is found to "display contempt for any holy symbols, characters, figures and rituals of Islam including the Divinity (Allah, God) and the Prophets; for any other faiths or religions or any of their symbols, characters, figures and rituals; or to display contempt for or to insult any of the Divine Religions and to call for the engagement in or the promotion of sins."

What's interesting is how this law will be interpreted and enforced by the courts. UAE law doesn't work on precedent, so a great deal of the interpretation and application of the law in any given case depends on the judiciary. Here, as pretty most elsewhere in the world, that judiciary is going to require a great deal of specialised training and assistance if it is to grasp the ever-changing and fast moving online environment and the technologies it both depends on and spawns.

Appropriate Technology

Digital Signature Authentication (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We changed healthcare insurance providers about a year ago, the new ones being cheaper but - as it transpires - infinitely more annoying. I'd say something like 'yer pays for what yer gets' but experience tells me this is rarely actually the case.

One of their more endearing quirks is requesting a medical report for every claim. This means a call to the provider to request the report and then a traipse down there to pick it up. It's yet another Little Job You Don't Need.

Imagine my glee, then, when the American Hospital's medical records people called to say the report was ready, they could send me a request form to fill out and send back and they would then email the medical report to me. We had, it appeared, finally emerged kicking and crying into the digital age.

This was nothing compared to my rapture when the form arrived gleaming and simply buzzing with potential in my inbox. This wasn't any old form - this was an Adobe EchoSign form. For those who haven't come across EchoSign, it's a cloud-based service that allows you to fill out and digitally sign forms and contracts, validating your identity via Adobe's server. It's smart, neat, secure, highly convenient and - for a Gulf-based organisation, incredibly leading edge. Impressed to bits, I filled out the electronic form and digitally signed it, then sent it back.

You know what's coming, don't you?

They called me up. No, sir, you have to sign the form. Yes, I signed it. No sir, you have to print it and sign it then fax it to us. Or you can scan it and send us the form that way.

But this is a digital form, with a digital signature. In fact, this form is produced using a technology that is entirely meant to support a digital signature. In fact, your hospital has actually paid for this technology as a specific form-signing digital signature solution. It's like buying a new car then pushing it home. It's like having a dog and barking. Do you have a dog? Who does the barking around your place? I mean, surely you're not serious.

Yes sir, we are. The form needs your signature.

I cannot begin to tell you how angry it made me. I don't know why, really. It's just yet another example of technology being used muckle-headedly, we see them every day. It's yet another example of an organisation not 'getting it', but we see those every day. I should be used to it, inured to it. I should shrug it off with a 'Pfft, another one'. I managed to wend through an entire morning of insane, time-wasting governmental bureaucracy getting my ISBN number last week giggling all the way. Why, then, did this little piece of idiocy reduce me to apopleptic, towering rage?

I've come to the conclusion I need a holiday.

Life Is Good...

One of my many reasons to be cheerful is co-hosting the weekly 'UnWired' radio show on talk radio station Dubai Eye. It's my idea of fun, radio - I love the pressure of the dreaded 'dead air', the mix of news analysis, banter and live guest interviews. You get to meet all sorts of strange and wonderful people and when you come across something admirable, interesting or deserving of a little publicity, you have that gift within you. Which is always nice.

This week's show is going to be a little bit special for me - and, I suspect many others. We're interviewing Len Chapman.

I have long been a fervent admirer of Len's work. He's the man behind wonderful website Dubai As It Used To Be - an archive of Dubai over the years made up of memories, photos and stuff from all sorts of people who have come to live and work here over the decades since Dubai was "A collection of mud huts on a creek" as a friend of my father's who was here during WWII described it to me - horrified I should be living in such a forsaken place!

Anyway, pop over to the site and have a wander in the past and do tune in at 1.30pm today to listen to Len - 103.8 FM in the UAE or streaming at this here handy link if you're anywhere else. You can text in comments or questions to 4001 in the UAE or tweets with hashtag #UNWiredFM always get to us.

The picture is the Sheikh Zayed Road in 1991, BTW. Howzat?

Let The Chaos Begin!

Hornjoserbsce: A sim card (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Gulf News today carries a Great Pronouncement Of Doom from UAE telecom provider Etisalat. If you don't register your SIM card on time, you're going to have your line cancelled, they tell us. It's all part of the UAE's Telecom Regulatory Authority slightly obtuse campaign,  'My number, my identity'.

As I predicted earlier, this one has all the usual Ealing Comedy attributes. We are all to trot off to a telephone company office with a passport copy (and original it seems) or a national ID card (copy and original we assume) and re-register our mobile lines by filling a form. The 'campaign' started on the 17th June - now Etisalat has given 1.5 million of its 8.6mn subscribers just three months to register their lines, failing which they will suspend the line. Three months after that, it's cancellation. They've sent out texts to the lucky 1.5 million hapless victims telling them to register or lose all within 90 days.

As I pointed out before, it took five years to issue everyone National ID Cards here - and that's still not a 'done deal'. The constant slew of frequently clashing announcements, pronouncements, threats and exhortations have provided endless amusement. Now we're going there all over again.

Does Etisalat really think they can get 1.5 million lines re-registered in 90 days? Even allowing for a constant and equal throughput across all their 104 offices, that means 160 applicants re-registered per office per day, or (with an eight hour day) 20 per hour. Or a constant rate of one registration every three minutes in each and every office.

Don't make me laugh. Etisalat doesn't process bill payments that fast, let alone re-registering lines (including, presumably, verifying and inputting the registration information as well as scanning documents etc). Can you imagine the long, hopeless, shuffling queues? I can and I'm in no hurry to play, thank you.

In fact, Etisalat's spokesperson told GN "It won't take more than ten minutes to fill the form... everyday we have an average of 10,000 subscribers who approach Etisalat offices to update their personal information.". At that, frankly unbelievable, number, we're still talking only 900,000 registrations in 90 days.

And then they're proposing to text another 1.5 million customers, just to add to the chaos from the preceding 90 days.

Words fail me.

The Joy Of Summer

"Modhesh", Arabic for amazing, is the mascot of Dubai Summer Surprises. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You know it's summer in the Emirates when:

• Hot water comes out of the cold tap. 

• Gulf News runs pictures of pigeons drinking from a standpipe in a public park. Alternatively, people shading themselves from the harsh summer sun or labourers sleeping in the shade.

• You can't seem to get dry when you get out of the shower.

• Everybody you've ever done business with needs to meet face to face for no particularly good reason.

• Your shirt's stuck to you by the time you've made the walk to the car. The car's baking hot when you get to it.  

• The back of your shirt in contact with the car seat never quite dries out.

• By the time the car has finally cooled down you've arrived at the next meeting.

• The walk from the car to meeting sticks your shirt to you. 

• By the end of the meeting you've cooled down just in time to walk to the baking hot car with your shirt stuck to you. The first blast of air from the AC through the hot dashboard makes it worse. You're better off opening the windows initially to bring the car down to ambient temperature.

• When you forget to put up the sunshade you have to hold tissues in your hands to protect from the super-heated steering wheel.

• Your electricity meter starts to defy the rules of physics and proves the theory E=M$2.
  

• You see strange, yellow sprung maggots with evil, leering grins start to appear. You know this is not a hallucination, but a strange annual manifestation of that cargo cult known as Dubai Summer Surprises. 

• Somehow, you're not surprised.

Where's My Identity Card?

English: Letters in a post office box in a US post office lobby. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I renewed my UAE residence visa last month. Visas used to last for three years, now they last for two. This is apparently to improve the flexibility of the labour market. Sure enough, a new Emirates Identity Card is also part of the fun and games.

Yesterday marked the passing of The Last Great Deadline for applying for an ID card in Dubai. The Emirates Identity Authority, or EIDA, has been issuing dire warnings and waffling about deadlines since the whole thing started back in 2007. Five years later, the card issuing process is finally linked (or at least, operating in parallel) with the visa application process and a deadline has passed without being extended, clarified or otherwise obfuscated.

I had to go to Sharjah's Central Post Office yesterday. I wanted to wait around for fifteen minutes waiting for a listless youth, who had apparently had all the bones removed from his body, to find my registered letter and experience tells me this is the best place to do it. While I was waiting for the aforementioned youth to bother turning up, I noticed a long, shuffling queue which led to a counter labelled "ID Card Collection Counter". Behind this, there were floor to ceiling racks stacked of cardboard mail boxes stuffed with envelopes and two grumpy looking blokes flopping around and grugingly doling out envelopes to supplicants. Because your ID card isn't actually sent to your PO Box, it's sent to the post office where your PO Box is and then handed out individually. There are in fact two queues - the one with no people queuing in it is marked 'Ladies and Locals'. There must have been thousands of envelopes in all.

This dystopian little scene reminded my of my own, as yet undelivered, ID card. It's been nearly a month since the visa was issued and there's been no sign of any ID card. I asked around. A pal with a visa issued last December is still waiting for her ID card. Another who applied in May is set to go for fingerprinting late in July.

Anybody with a less charitable outlook would conclude that the EIDA people are swamped and the whole system is totally backed up trying to manage the tide of last minute applications. If the scenes in the EIDA back office are in any way parallel to the communications side of things, it must be a tottering, Heath-Robinson style system creaking dangerously under the pressure.

I prefer to think of it as a well oiled machine snapping into action. And anyway, I'm in no hurry to join that long, hopeless-looking queue in the post office...

Has anybody out there actually received an ID card recently?

Cue Another Farce?

Two cellphone SIM cards (bottom and top) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Did  you catch this one? I, for one, didn't I've missed it until I finally tumbled today.

The UAE's Telecommunications Regulatory Authority (TRA) last week launched a new campaign, 'My number, my identity'. It's probably my fault and certainly not the almost impenetrably obtuse language of the announcement which is clarified by Gulf News today in a story that, try as I might, I could not find online.

We're all going to have to trot off and re-register our mobile SIMs with whichever operator we're with. From July 17th, Etisalat will have over 100 registration points around the country where you can go, eagerly clutching your national ID or passport with visa, and complete an application form to, effectively, re-apply for your mobile phone number. Du didn't confirm its re-registration arrangement intentions to GN in order to make the story, but CEO Osman Sultan, quoted in the TRA release lauding the TRA's campaign, did say customers could go to Du shops.

Many of you will recognise July 17th as the likely starting point for Ramadan, the ideal time to conduct a national campaign of this sort.

Unregistered SIM cards will be cancelled "once the registration period expires" according to the GN story. We haven't been told when that is, or what likely timescale they have in mind.

There are 12.36 million mobile lines out there. It's taken five years for the Emirates ID Authority to 'roll out' the national ID card. How long will it take this campaign I wonder? How many needless frustrations, queues, visits to physical locations and extended deadlines, empty threats, retracted announcements and 'clarifications' are we set to see?

But believe me folks, take this one seriously and get in there early. Because if there's one thing these bohos can do well, it's cut people off...

The "Nutella Needle" Story

I'm not sure where to put today's Nutella syringe story. All of the UAE's English language papers have faithfully reported on a warning issued by Dubai Municipality - apparently some people have been circulating pictures online of hypodermic syringes filled with Nutella, that mixture of chocolate, hazelnut and vegetable oil that is as beloved to the Gulf as that gloopy processed cream cheese.

Newspaper language for some people have been circulating images, BTW, is 'viral'.

But it would appear Dubai Municipality has taken the images seriously, with GN's story calling the syringes 'illegal' and claiming they have sparked a 'sharp response'. Geddit? Syringe? Sharp response? You gotta love those GN subs, they nail it every time!

A spokesman for 'the company' (Gulf News is too precious to name distributor Arabian Oasis or manufacturer Nutella. The National cites both) said "It could seriously tarnish brand image and we will take action against it", according to GN's somewhat breathless report.

I'd like to see them do that. What are they going to do, sue the Internet?

I can't argue with Dubai Municipality's action in the name of protecting the public, although the words storm, tea and cup do tend to spring to mind. You can never be too careful and some nutter deciding to pack medical syringes with Nutella is just the kind of thing that could only happen here.

It's not the first time this type of image has been made, a simple Google Image Search will confirm that. In fact, the first search result is a popular image that's altogether more graphic, showing a man 'shooting up' Nutella. The gag's a simple one, 'I need a fix of Nutella'. If the local image were 'viral', it'd show up on image search, incidentally. And it doesn't.

What does show up if you do a comparative image search is an classified entry on Arabic website souq.dubaimoon.com advertising the syringes at a price of Dhs10 each. That post, linked here, hadn't been taken down at the time of writing and does, indeed, seem to confirm that some nutter is selling Nutella repacked in syringes. Of course, it could well be a hoax or prank, but the entry has a phone number against it and it would presumably be well worth a follow-up by a journalist with half an ounce of enquiring mind.

But then again, such a journalist would already have looked into the origins of the image and... oh, never mind.

Would You Like An App With That, Sir?

English: Apple iPad Event (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had sworn off going out to eat following my last pocket-emptying plate of Dubai restaurant mediocrity, but was talked around and so the weekend saw us once again approaching a crisp linen table in a mood-lit temple to gastronomic indulgence. I feel compelled to write about it and as The Fat Expat is dead, you'll just have to put up with it being posted here.

The restaurant was called Terra Firma and pals had found it in that timeless tome for the cost-conscious consumer, The Entertainer. For those who don't know it, The Entertainer comes in many editions, all of which are basically books of special offer coupons, typically of the 'one main course free when two dine' variety.

The first hitch was the fact the restaurant had moved. Nobody had thought to mention this when we booked, so there was a certain amount of confusion at the Al Badia Golf Course when we tried to find a restaurant that had, in fact, been moved to the Intercontinental Festival City late last year. The second was the menu was significantly more expensive than the sample menu in The Entertainer. The third was it came on an iPad.

Yes, an iPad.

So you swipe your way through the menu, with an illustration of each dish against it available by tapping on a button on the screen. There's a wine list, too. You can't actually order from the iPad, you just browse using it. I confess to finding the idea gimmicky to the point of being mildly offended by it. There is no earthly reason to present a menu on an iPad, except perhaps that the restaurant lighting is so gloomy you couldn't read print. It's actually more onerous to navigate the screens than hold paper.

And then we get to the prices. Dhs150 and more for a starter. One of the starters, the Beluga caviar, was almost Dhs 1,000. Mains were similarly hefty on the wallet, with steaks starting in at around the Dhs 250 mark and climbing steeply. And the wine list was outrageous, kicking off at Dhs200-odd for the stuff they slosh out at cheap brunches, typically Dhs25 at 'street' prices. I can live with five times cost (grudgingly) but this was way beyond that. At least you find out how they managed to pay for all those iPads...

It was here I was on the point of leaving and striking out for the Belgian Cafe. It was a touch and go thing for a while. We stayed, but only because of the vouchers. I had a very nice smoked haddock saffron chowder, probably the most affordable starter on the menu at Dhs60. We all had steaks and sides and these were truly excellent (although one didn't come as ordered, which as Gregg Wallace would say, 'isn't good enough at this level'), if slightly pricey. The Entertainer vouchers took care of that, though. If the selection of salts and mustards was trying a little too hard, it was so overshadowed by the iPad stunt it didn't stand out. The mustards were very nice, in fact.

And then back to the iPad farce for dessert. I wanted cheese, but balked at paying Dhs150 for a cheese platter. That's twenty five quid for some cheese! Are these people mad? We asked for the maitre d' and enquired what was so special about the cheeses? Washed with virgins' tears? Made of milk from cows fed on cheese? Imported from the Scapa Flow Ice Cheesery? Nope, just some Brie and stuff with quince jelly. Now you feel free to tell me I'm being unreasonable about this, but I can't see it. I'm not a mean person, at least I think I'm not, but I can't see where Dhs150 for a plate of cheese works at all. I asked if I was the first person to complain and apparently I am.

Deciding we couldn't face dessert in the face of The Great Cheese Disaster, two of us went for Irish coffees. These were made by someone who has never seen an Irish coffee - two lukewarm white coffees with foamed cream on top and some undissolved brown sugar on the bottom. They might have contained the magical ingredient, they might have not. They were the worst Irish coffee I have ever seen, although Sarah assures me she was served a worse one once in Kenya in 1988. Apparently the chef is Irish, which just makes the insult to Shannon International Airport's gift to its American visitors even worse.

We got the check, which didn't come on an iPad. The vouchers meant it added up to Dhs1,800 for four. We had eaten well and hadn't stinted on the sauce. The food had been very good indeed. But we had picked our way carefully around an outrageously expensive menu and wine list - you could easily have burned through a thousand dollar dinner for four.

And I'm simply not paying that. I was right the first time. I can cook. I'm staying home.

EIDA Discovers The Internet

Eida (Photo credit: cgsheldon)

A lovely piece in Khaleej Times today lifted from national news agency WAM  telling us how the Emirates Identity Authority is launching "the Social Media engagement service". 

The brave providers of 'context and analysis' didn't even bother changing WAM's copy,  using the official headline and including the redundant definite article and the unnecessary caps for social media. You can read the EIDA announcement on the authority's website here.

I must confess, they might have made a remarkable four year long hash of their communications, but EIDA has consistently served up quality entertainment.

The "Social Media engagement service" will help customers with queries and "underscored the Emirates ID’s keenness on keeping pace with the development of the modern media and employing the social networking tools for upgrading the ID card-related services and meeting customers’ requirements by responding to their queries and solving their problems most urgently through the channels they prefer in their daily life."

EIDA has already lauded its own success with  the service, replying to over 1,700 customer queries and complaints last month alone. It's followers have grown by 40% over the month-long test period.

If you want to social media engage with the Emirates ID people, you can talk to them on Twitter @EmiratesID_HELP or on Facebook, where you can pick up insightful hints and tips such as 'Important info! Ensure that all personal data entered in the e-form are correct'.

There is also, by the way, a new ID card status service. I've just renewed my visa (itself a somewhat fraught process in the circumstances) and am waiting for my new ID card so I thought I'd try it out. Apparently I'm 15 years old, which is always nice to discover when father time weighs down on one's shoulders. Quite where my ID card is, I couldn't honestly say...

It's All About M.E.

Sheikh Saeed Al Maktoum House at night (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No, not me, M.E.. Gulf News describes him as a 'social media activist', but it would appear the mysterious M.E. is more active at getting himself into hot water by flaring people.

Newspapers here refer to those standing before the majesty of the courts by their initials to protect their identities. It's all part of the Emirati culture of respect, which is also the reason why insulting someone here can land you in very hot water indeed. Coming from the UK, where respect has pretty much been kicked off the national agenda, people sometimes find it hard to get their heads around this one, so for instance we have the expat who spent a month in chokey followed by deportation (tax free career over) for flipping the digit at the police patrol that'd pulled him over. He'd obviously never heard of mirrors.

M.E. is the chap who spent a couple of months in nick accused of defaming Dubai Chief of Police Dahi Khalfan Tamim. With a keen eye for an exquisite revenge, Dahi pardoned the man as his case finally came to court. Now he looks set to go back behind bars after a Facebook flare-up with journalist  D.H.

Dubai Court was told, according to triffic tabloid 7Days, that M.E. had told D.H., formerly (as was M.E.) a worker at Dubai Municipality, "You developed from sewage to a critic". M.E. counter-charged that D.H. had said, “Behave or I will wipe your dignity on the floor." and also "Know your borders and don’t force me to publish your laundry on the internet, facebook, Twitter and BlackBerry. Don’t lie and don’t try to become a hero.”

Now I don't know about you lot, but on the Greatest Insults Of All Time scale and applying the Trollometer, I wouldn't have ranked that little spat as court-worthy, or even noteworthy, but then you do have to bear in mind there is a very different cultural agenda at work here. Despite several attempts to arbitrate between the pair, the judge finally threw up his hands and sent 'em to Al Slammer to cool down.

One is rather left wondering if perhaps M.E. will now tread a more moderate path on Facebook...

Poo Smells Shock Horror

English: The Sewage treatment plant next to International City (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blog posts are like taxis, I find. You sit around for ages waiting in the wilderness and then fifteen come all at once.

Among the many sources of amused inspiration today come two very different stories inspired by Dubai property developer Nakheel. The company is, by no means for the first time, embroiled in negative coverage of its iconic Palm devlopment, where tenants are yet again having facilities withdrawn from them by the developer because the owners of the properties haven't paid service fees.

I did a 'shiny' post about this one before, but it seems insane to me that tenants should bear the brunt of the developer's ire when they are clearly not to blame and in no position to influence owners. The police came along and told the developer's people not to be silly and so calm was, at least, temporarily restored.

The kicker for me was Gulf News' story about residents of International City (another Nakheel development) complaining about the smell from the Al Awir Sewage Works.

Hang on. You decided to move to a location that is quite clearly smack bang next to Dubai's biggest poo farm, just downhill (and therefore downstream) from a ginormous great landfill and now you're complaining that it's smelly? The 25 year old plant manages over 300,000 cubic metres of waste a day. This is the place where, in the mad boom years, hundreds of tankers would queue up for kilometres to unload. There's no mistaking it - it's quite clearly a place that does what it says on the label.

The plant's management has been working gamely to reduce the odour from the works and claims they have made a 98% reduction through various upgrades and odour-reducing technologies. And there's little doubt they are to be warmly applauded for that effort.

One resident told GN, "The smell has reduced, but still it has not stopped. We hope that the authorities are able to stop it from all sources in this area and we are able to breathe fresh air."

So there we have two sides to the coin. One bunch of residents being treated unfairly through no fault of their own. And one bunch whingeing about something they must surely have been aware of from the first moment they arrived in the area for a 'look see'.

Incidentally, and apropos of not very much, I once lived near a place called Billing in Northamptonshire. A natural depression in the English Midlands means the average rainfall on Northampton is higher than elsewhere in the country. It can be a dreary, awful place in the Winter months. Billing was notable for two things. A very large sewage treatment plant and the Billing Aquadrome, which was a caravan park.

I always wondered how awful the place you lived in must be in order that you'd consider a caravan in a land-locked, rainy depression wafted with the constant, awful miasma from a shit farm  as a holiday destination. And then, one day, it hit me. They must all live in tropical paradises and Billing was their 'change is good as a rest'...

Make Business Hub Dubai

The brainchild of one Leith Matthews, Make is a painfully funky space located in the Al Fattan building, itself an incongruity nestled in the tottering beige multi-towered awfulness of Jumeirah Beach Residence. It's a 'business hub', providing workspaces with meeting areas, workstations, 8am-10pm hot and cold food and drink. And free wi-fi.

It's really too good to be true. The space is incredibly well thought out and 'works', artfully designed and flawlessly executed, soundtracked and freewheeling. The food and drink are, to judge from my breakfast today, simply stunning (avocado toast with a spicy organic virgin Mary and excellent coffee, my colleague had lemon souffle hotcakes with strawberry and loved that, too) and the staff are beyond friendly and incredibly helpful. On my last visit I pitched carrying my habitual perma-bottle of Masafi and an unprompted barman wandered over with a glass containing ice and lemon for me.

It's free, at least for now. I'm told on good authority that Make make their money from the F&B and renting the space for events, so there are no fees or other encumbrances such as membership. If you're into hot desking, have a day away from the office with meetings in DIC/DMC or simply want to do meets, eats and drinks offsite, Make is the perfect place for it.

Long Live The E-Gate Card! Oh...

passport. (Photo credit: kappuru)

The E-Gate card is dead. Honest, it's in Gulf News and everything so it must be true! Immigration has installed a nifty new scanner at Terminal 3 of Dubai International Airport that'll scan data from machine-readable passports and combine this with biometrics to give an instant 'no touch' entry system.

Up until now, if you didn't want to join the long, shuffling queues at immigration and have your passport filled with inky stampy things, the E-Card was the way to go. Although not for me, sadly, as the system decided to start refusing to read my thumbs a couple of years back, even after I'd gone up to the E-Gate centre and had 'em rescanned.

It's actually been ten years since the introduction of the 'old' E-Gate card system.

I've used these new scanners at Heathrow and they're fast - certainly within the 15 seconds GN mentions. The scheme is to roll them out to all of Dubai's entry points after a two month trial at Terminal 3. They use facial recognition technology to compare a snapshot of your mug with the one stored in the chip in your machine readable passport.

It's a pretty advanced move for the UAE - while over 170 countries now issue machine readable passports, fewer issue chip-enabled 'e-passports' and only six countries are using 'heightened biometrics' such as facial scans, fingerprints or retinal scans in their border scanners. It's soon to be seven!

The Unbearable Lightness Of Clarity

dubai international airport (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Clarity is, apparently, being sought by the educational sector regarding quite what the Ministry of Education meant when it clearly mandated a unified holiday for all schools in the UAE.

I posted about this one last week and feel obliged to point out at the time that I spotted a strong whiff of Clarity To Come. GN's story today shows journalist Rayeesa Arsal clearly being given the runaround in her own mission to obtain clarity - a ministry spokesperson apparently sent our Rayeesa to Dubai's KHDA (Knowledge and Human Development Authority) who, brilliantly, "refused to comment on the announcement saying clarification should be sought from the ministry as the announcement was made by them."

The story goes on to quote an official who declined to be named saying "it is most likely that Asian schools are not part of the decision". However, just in case you started to think this was beginning to get clearer, the story goes on to mention a source from the KHDA who is unaware of any exceptions to the ruling.

The problem is that Indian and Pakistani schools start their academic years in April. This is compounded, as I pointed out last week, by schools already struggling to follow international curricula and also make allowances for the needs of international families (for instance, English schools will tend to have breaks at Christmas and Easter, major holiday periods in th UK). For this reason, 'international' schools have always had different, and frequently much shorter, holidays to the 'Arabic' or local schools under the Ministry of Education.

Meanwhile, while we await clarification, we can take comfort from the fact that the Emirates Identity Authority, which has so often in the past provided us with entertainment and wave after wave of Announcements Subject To Clarification, has quite clearly announced the final - and this time they really, really mean it, honestly, no kidding, take this one seriously because we're one messing around - deadline for applications.

They're hardcore about it this time. No more Mr Nice Guy. The final, final, final deadline is May 31st. Go past that, Aisha Al Rayesi of EIDA tells Gulf News, and you'll be fined Dhs20 per day up to a maximum of Dhs 1,000. It would be churlish to bring up the original deadline of January 1st 2009 at this late stage, wouldn't it?

UAE Unifies Holidays - School's Out!

passport stamps from the UAE. Entry via Dubai, exit via Abu Dhabi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to today's soaraway Gulf News, school holidays in the UAE are to be unified and come in line with the UAE's Ministry of Education holidays. The move will "contribute to enriching stability of families" the paper quotes the Minister of Education as saying.

Right now, everyone sort of does their own sweet thing. We have the 'public schools' run by the Ministry, private schools run by all sorts of people that cater for different communities and Universities that follow a wide range of international curricula.

Schools in the UAE will re-open in one fell swoop after the summer break on the 9th September, although the academic year for staff will commence on the 2nd September. That's followed by a whopping holiday from December 16th through to January 6th (3rd for staff) and another break from the 31st March to the 14th April (11th for staff). The 2013 summer break will start July 7th and end September 1st.

I happen to be married to a teacher in a British curriculum school - Sarah and her happy colleagues follow the British National Curriculum and their classes are observed and inspected to that standard. The teachers, one suspects, will be torn between exasperation at having to fit so much more into so much less time and glee at getting (even) longer holidays. Schools in the UAE following international curricula already find it a challenge to incorporate the required amount of Arabic language instruction together with the curriculum they follow, but they're going to have a field day trying to fit things around these holidays. 

Worse than that, we have the spectre of a nicely unified mass exodus as everyone dashes for Dubai International to high-tail it out of here. Even with today's 'fuzzy' holidays, the traditional holiday periods around Christmas, Easter and Summer see thousands flocking to the airports and scenes of near-mayhem abound. With the unified holidays, every man jack of 'em will be on the move.

I get the feeling this one might be subject to clarification somewhere down the line...

Demolishing Dubai's Red Lion

Red Lion (Photo credit: hchalkley)

The Metropolitan Hotel, one of Dubai's oldest hotels, is to be demolished and the Red Lion, one of the city's oldest places for the selling and consumption of foamy-topped and other beverages will go with it. Built in 1979, the hotel has long been an odd accretion of new wings, attempts to add facelifts, modernisations and additions - there's no doubt it's looking a tad jaded today.

But the Red Lion! Back in the day, the police used to wait outside at New Years and stop anyone attempting to drive away, take their car keys and give 'em a lift home. The keys were waiting for them at the copshop the next morning. A more innocent time, no? There was the Red Lion and the George and Dragon at the Ambassador and precious little else.  The Red Lion is really something of an institution.

I can't say I'm a regular, anything but. However I can't help feeling the passing of the 'outlet' as more of a wrench than the passing of the hotel itself. The reason the two are linked, by the way, is that 'outlets for the sale and dispensation of beverages' in the UAE can't be 'freehold', they have to be part of a hotel. The exception to this is in Sharjah, where they can't be at all as Sharjah is 'dry', apart from the members-only Sharjah Wanderers sports and social club.

Similarly, the reason for my slightly odd language in this post is that it is tradition and practice that we don't mention words such as 'pub' or 'booze'. Alcoholic drinks are 'beverages' or, if you're advertising one of Dubai's infamous all-in brunches, 'bubbly' or 'red and white'. We're a tad precious like that.

I'm not sure if the Red Lion qualifies as Dubai's oldest 'outlet' - even I'm not that old. But it's had its (fish and) chips now. Ah, well. That's progress I suppose... 

The Future Of Money

Image via Wikipedia

Dubai's transport regulator, the RTA (Roads and Transport Authority) has announced it is planning to open up the use of its Nol card to retailers. The slightly oddly named Nol card (nol is apparently an old Farsi word meaning 'fare') is similar to the UK's Oyster, a rechargeable swipe card that uses near field communications technology to process 'no touch' transactions. You just wave the card at a reader and the card is appropriately debited.

Opening Nol cards to retailers in the UAE is an interesting idea. It means that people unable to afford credit cards would be able to swipe their cards for goods now. However, the downside is that the silver and gold Nol cards are not personalised, so if you lose your card, there's no way to recover the money that's on it (the card can be charged up to Dhs500) and anyone could use your lost (or stolen) card in a wide range of retail outlets. The blue Nol card can be personalised and is therefore secure, but I'd be interested to see how the RTA handles reimbursing balances in the case of loss, theft or dispute - and how they propose processing retail refunds in future.

Visa debit cards are already on the market here that have implemented NFC technology, although no retailers here yet have NFC readers installed. (I have one of these cards from HSBC but daren't use it in case something goes wrong). And you can only guess at how prepared banks are to implement the complex infrastructure needed to support an entirely new payment method.

Reports in today's press don't say anything about charges for this service, either. The Nol card currently costs Dhs35 on issue (from metro stations only - it's usually Dhs70) and there is no charge for the 'cost of money', but this could well change once the cards are being used for third party transactions.

But the real kicker is not card based at all - it's mobile.

Android and Blackberry mobiles already support NFC, although Apple phones don't - apparently the iPhone5 is popularly expected to have NFC support. The RTA is already talking about porting the Nol system to mobiles, which is surprisingly advanced thinking. Now you have the benefit of total personalisation based on your mobile's SIM. You also have a lovely clash between the RTA, the telcos and the banks. Who will 'own' mobile money?

And this is where the Nol card idea becomes really interesting. Because if the RTA gets in there fast, they'll potentially completely cut the credit card companies out of the whole mobile payment scheme. If I were Visa I'd be offering retailers free readers and beating a path the RTA to sell them the idea of working together to make this happen as a team.

But then, what do I know? Maybe they already have..

The Emirates ID Card Moves Online

Image via Wikipedia

The Emirates ID Card was launched in 2008. Now, in 2012, we are to see the application process for the card implemented as an online form. Launched initially for UAE nationals only, the online application will be rolled out to UAE residents and GCC nationals in the 'next two months'.

This latest in a long line of announcements, many of which have been followed by clarifications, is potentially the most welcome (and useful) of all.

Gulf News, reporting on the move, focuses on the cost saving to applicants (you save the Dhs30 typing centre fee, so the card will cost you a mere Dhs240 instead of Dhs270) rather than the saving in travel, waiting, queuing, shuffling around from counter to counter with a pile of papers and general messing about involved.

Although, as is so often the case, there's a whiff of sulphur invading the clear air of paradise - Gulf News' story (linked here for your viewing pleasure) contains the line, "Online applicants can print out their receipt which will mention the appointment to visit an Emirates ID registration centre."

Of course, an online application process would involve filling in a form, uploading copies of any documents required, paying any fees online with a credit card and then having the card mailed to you, wouldn't it? It would be insanity to have people filling in the forms online and then having to make an appointment to physically travel to an Emirates ID registration centre and queue to have the application reviewed and the card issued to them in person. Nobody in their right minds would implement an online process like that, would they?

I should perhaps remind you that this announcement comes from the people that gave us the application application, an online application that allowed you to fill out and print the application form required to make an application for an appointment to make your application.

We can only await the usual clarification...

Permission To Print

Image via Wikipedia

It always reminds me of the Black Adder sketch in which George is requesting 'Permission to speak' with increasing desperation, said permission denied by the wily Blackadder.

Permission to print is something I bet few writers have to seek on their road to publication. Here in the UAE, it's a must-have - no printing press here will touch a book that doesn't have a Permission, much as no garage will touch a crash repair without a police report.

The permission is granted by the National Media Council, which has to read the work. I was extraordinarily lucky in that the gentleman who manages the English language section of the Media Control Department was very struck with Olives - A Violent Romance and actually went off leave to go into the office and sign off the MS and grant me that all-important go-ahead. It's taken until now for the news to trickle up the Abu Dhabi highway to the NMC offices in Dubai so today I went off to pick up my Permission.

There's a fee of Dhs25 to pay, which I slid onto the desk of the Relevant Person. 'Ah, no, you have to have e-dirham.'

You're kidding me. For Dhs25? Oh yes, she said, handing me a gnarly-looking form with all sorts of requirements, labour cards, passport copies, authorisations, countersignatures by authorised persons. Worse, you have to go all the way to the Ministry of Finance in Bur Dubai to apply in person. For a Dhs25 fee? Yes, this is mandatory.

I left the NMC after vain protests, my head in a spin. I looked at the e-dirham website and found there was an easier way - you can pick up a pre-paid e-dirham card at any branch of a number of banks! Yippee!

A number of banks later, I realise this is total bunkum - the banks at the immigration department have these cards, one chap told me. Sure enough, they did. I dashed back to the NMC all eager and happy. They were having a reception for their colleagues from Abu Dhabi and the place was filled with plates of food and oudh was being burned - so much it set the fire alarms off.

Despite the carnival atmosphere, my own little firework display was to suffer the fate of micturation. She wouldn't take the e-dirham card. 'Only this card from Ministry of Finance I can take.' But it's the same card, look, e-dirham, it's precisely the same card, it just has a different picture and doesn't have my photo. 'No.'

That's when I lost it. I'd printed out two 280-page manuscripts and given them to her, I'd printed a third and sent it to Abu Dhabi, I'd been back and forth to the NMC and the Ministry of Youth and Culture. And now, at the end of it all, I was being made to jump through even more hoops for Dhs25!!! I asked for the mudhir. But he, of course, was closeted in a meeting room with the guests from Abu Dhabi. My gatekeeper managed to mask a look of triumph, but I knew it was there anyway. I left in a high old temper and dragged my way down to the Ministry of Finance.

Who were wonderful. Friendly, smiling and bright, young Buthaina had me sorted out in a few minutes, even transferring the balance from the pre-paid card I'd bought to my new photo ID card. It all certainly lightened the old mood as I set off once again to the NMC, my new e-dirham card sparkling in my pocket.

The long and the short of it all is that I have my Permission to Print in my sticky little fingers. So now I'm going to do just that: print Olives!