Iniquity

Image via Wikipedia
We were happily wittering away on the radio this morning, running through the local news (which is normally what we do for the first 10 minutes of the episode of Dubai Today I co-host every Tuesday - podcast here) when I happened to read down a story I'd printed out from Gulf News for us to talk about. It was datelined Abu Dhabi and talks about a dispute between some taxi drivers and their company.

Halfway down the copy lies the real story, however. And it really took my breath away. Sharjah Transport is to charge (yes, you read it right - charge) its taxi drivers 52 fils for each kilometre they travel. The story's linked here. 300 drivers apparently protested the move yesterday.

As it stands, drivers have to raise above Dhs333 per day to achieve a commission rate of 35%. At the current rate of Dhs1.61 per 650 metres, that means they have to travel 134km with a paying passenger every day.

The new regime will neatly punish them for every metre they drive without a paying passenger. Travelling 134km with a paying passenger will now cost them Dhs69.7, which means that a perfectly efficient taxi that spends not one second empty could make its driver Dhs47 per day.

Driving every day for a month with no days off (which they do anyway to try and make ends meet) now means a Sharjah taxi driver could earn himself if he travelled not one metre with an empty cab the princely sum of Dhs1,410. That's less than I paid my company driver when I first moved out here 20 years ago. And he got a 9-5 job with weekends.

However, if you look at a more realistic 50% empty 50% full run rate (for instance, an Abu Dhabi job means travelling all the way back to Sharjah empty), our driver ends up owing the company just under dhs23 per day. In fact, in order to make money, he'd have to travel something like 75% of the time full. And then he could look forward to earning a marvellous Dhs 12.16 per day (or Dhs364 a month)

GN talks about a protest by 300 drivers yesterday. It's not really a surprise.

I checked it out with Mr G and he confirmed it. He also pointed out that with too many taxis on the street and the bus services undercutting them, they're already finding it hard. And with no allowances for uniforms, accommodation, food or medical they're also finding it impossible to work out how they can live. He thinks there'll be more protests tomorrow and, to be honest, I find it hard to blame them.

Please tell me I've got the maths wrong. But if I've got it right, it's simply breathtaking and iniquitous beyond belief.

Sharjah and Kyoto

The last few JCBs filling in the final watery holes are all that remain of Sharjah's Old Landfill. The enormous site has taken years to be remediated, the largest such project anywhere in the world. The project has run over by about two years, if the United Nations is to be believed, but has in many ways been a pioneering achievement - all carried out under the Kyoto Protocol.

Remediating Sharjah's landfill was carried out under the auspices of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change. The project has meant scooping out something like 7.5 million cubic metres of old, festering rubbish and has resulted in turning something like two million square metres of land into 'brown field' real estate. Buildings are already going up on the remediated land.

The project has been truly a landmark affair - basically diggers have been scooping up buckets of waste which are then sorted and graded. Two sorting lines took out the bulky stuff, while organic waste was crushed and ground into material suitable to refill the site. Stuff that couldn't be used or recycled was taken up to the new landfill site (out in the desert on the Dhaid road).

This is the site - the Al Falah area of Sharjah. The Emirates Road runs along the base of the diagram - the purple stuff is the last area to be worked on (and pictured at the top of this post).

It's taken five years. Five years of digging through a pile of festering, stinking muck and sorting, then recycling it. The massive project has been financed partly by the sale of  real estate and partly by the sale of climate credits, or CERs (Certified Emission Reduction) - carbon credits to you, mate. From what I can gather, the carbon credits were bought up by Austria. The project qualifies for carbon credits because old landfills release huge volumes of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere - the original project plan outlines reductions of something like 438,000 tonnes of Carbon Dioxide or its equivalent over the original, rather ambitious, 2005-2008 timeline for the project.

The whole thing has been carried out to European standards, with the waste materials produced tested against German legal standards. Carried out by contractor Halcrow, the project was put together by EET - The Emirates Environmental Technology Co which is itself 49% owned by Austrian company IUT.

We drive past it every morning on the way to work and have watched, fascinated as the diggers have slowly reduced the enormous pile of fetid, black-looking rubbish until you can now look across an area of flat land - a little piece of Kyoto...

Border Rats

Image via Wikipedia

I am fascinated by the emergence of a new border crossing between Dubai and Sharjah. As you likely know, a 20Dhs surcharge has been levied between Dubai and Sharjah and vice-versa in an attempt to cut down on the problem of cabbies refusing to take inter-Emirates fares. This is mainly because of the fact they have to return empty: Sharjah cabs can’t pick up in Dubai and vice-versa. There’s a certain wisdom in that because if you didn’t have that rule in place, and enforce it with extreme severity, every single cab in Sharjah would be spending all day in Dubai, where the pickings are far richer.

Of that Dhs20, in Sharjah at least, Dhs15 goes to the company and Dhs5 to the driver to compensate him for the inconvenience. The idea goes back to the days when the traffic in Dubai was horrendous and a return to Sharjah would easily take an hour or more. Now the traffic’s flowing, it’s almost irrelevant – but it remains in place. Alongside any small carrot offered to the drives by this surcharge comes a big stick – drivers are fined by the company for refusing fares (as well as a whole rake of other misdemeanours).

Now cost-conscious passengers are taking cabs to the Sahara Centre shopping mall, which sits on the Sharjah/Dubai border and then walking across the short sandy piece of wasteland that dips down to Dubai. There, Dubai taxis are now queuing up to take ‘em to their destination. Problem solved – no Dhs20 surcharge. And, to many people in the Emirates, saving Dhs40 on a shopping or sight-seeing trip is a big deal. The taxis don’t really mind, either – they never made much, if anything, out of the damn surcharge in the first place.

It’s like a sort of dusty Checkpoint Charlie, an exchange of prisoners across the border wastelands – at the weekends and rush-hours, a shuffling horde of surcharge escapees meet waiting cabs, like sand flowing between the marbles of the system.

Now the informal border-crossing arrangement has sprung up, we can perhaps look forward to the growth of a ‘speed bump community’ – some enterprising souls will start flogging candy floss and newspaper twists of roasted peanuts, then they’ll become semi-permanent and before you know it, we’ll have the new border township of TwentyChips.

The Inshallah Bus

Image via Wikipedia

Sarah's christened it 'The Inshallah Bus' because it will come when it comes. There's no actual timetable as such. It just comes, Inshallah.

Sharjah's infamous No. 14 bus service (there is no 13, there is no 15) leaves from near McNabb Mansions on its meandering progress through Sharjah to the airport. On the plus side, it costs just Dhs3 to get to the airport. On the minus side, it takes over an hour to make its stately and undocumented way. You just find a bus stop that says 14 on it and wait for a bus to turn up. They leave the portakabin on the sand terminus on the Ajman border every 15 minutes from 05.30 or so, but when they actually get (or turn up) anywhere is pure guesswork.

I asked the nice man at the terminus for a timetable and he laughed delightedly. There is no timetable. I suppose at least you can't say the buses in Sharjah don't run on time.

It's an ill wind for the cabbies, though. Our regular cabbie, the lugubrious Mr. G., blames the Inshallah Bus for at least part of the recent alarming drop-off in customers. He's more and more dependent on his regulars to help him meet his harsh target of over Dhs250 per day in revenue now that many people take the bus instead. An express service that goes from the airport to Rolla Square and the Vegetable Market costs just Dhs5.

Having just come back from leave and injudiciously managed to misplace his mobile (and, therefore, a number of those regulars he needs so badly), Mr G. is having a tough time right now. He's our regular precisely because we trust him, like him and have his mobile number. I tip him a bit every trip and so we have a taxi on call. We'd use the call centre but of course there isn't one - there's no booking service at all for taxis in Sharjah.

Buses with no timetables and cabs with no booking system. Thank God at least some of the old, quixotic, unregulated pottiness of life in the Emirates remains.

Nostalgia, Ephemera and Aeronautica

I said I'd share some more stuff from my wee collection of information on the Handley Page biplanes that used to ply the pioneering route from Croydon to Australia in the 1930s. There's more info here and here and a fantastic video of Sharjah airport (Kalba, incidentally, was the location of the 'backup' air strip and therefore posessing a greater importance in the 1937 scheme of things than, sleepy little town that it is, it does now) as it was back in the days of Empires, tally-hoes and people whacking the ball long and straight, dont'cha know.


This is the plane itself. These used to land at Sharjah in Oman (from Basra via 'Koweit and Bahrein) on the way through to Gwadar in Baluchistan. Let's just take the [sic]s as read. With 36 seats (and TWO toilets - you listening EK? A bog for every 18 pax!) and a bar, the planes were luxuriously decked out in mahogany and the like. It must have been a gut-wrenching ride.

The planes' engines had to be completely overhauled overnight at Sharjah, where guests were put up at the Mahatta Fort, a remote outpost (the fort was built for Imperial Airways by the ruler, who also provided a guard) containing three stir-crazy Brits and assorted staff. The met report used to be done by flying a light bulb up on a balloon to measure the wind.




This is the 1936 timetable. Arab readers might like to note where Gaza is located. Have a think about these journey times! Given that the 7 hours to Heathrow gives me mild shudders, this trip must have been a complete joy and let us not forget that these planes flew low, had no weather radar, no stabilisers and had wings made out of stretched canvas. Oh! And when you get to Shar-Jar, there's no AC. Let alone Gwadar and the others!

Mind you, if you think the hack to Sharjah's bad (4 overnights, including a train journey from Paris to Brindisi), it's a 14-day, 12 night flight to Brisbane!

Perhaps interestingly, my information is out of whack with the info on Wikipedia - it is my strong understanding that one of the HP42 series 'planes was lost at sea in the late 1930s in the Indian Ocean, while Wikipedia says only one was ever lost to a hangar fire in the UK. Hmm...

I also have a set of 1938 timetables and if anyone's interested in better quality scans that aren't quite so JPEGed, do just drop me a DM on Twitter or a mail at the usual address. I collected all this stuff because of an abiding fascination with Mahattah (which is, after all, on my doorstep) and the idea that one day I'll get a novel out of this lot...

If anyone owns copyrights to these, I'm not aware of them so please do let me know and I'll arrange appropriate attributions or whatever.

Sharjah Summer Breaks from AED99

Image by kevin (iapetus) via Flickr

Sharjah Summer Breaks from AED99 is a startling promise to make in an advertisement (Gulf News today) and one that is guaranteed to pique curiosity from would-be summer breakers.

But that's the deal - Sharjah's going for it and I'd commend an overnighter to the 'Cultural' emirate most highly.

There’s a hell of a lot to see and do in Sharjah, from a wide range of museums, art galleries and restored souq areas through to desert trips taking you to the idyllic Indian Ocean retreat of Khor Fakkan (and its venerable but still fun hotel, The Oceanic) and the important mangrove swamps of Khor Kalba. An overnight in Sharjah would be well worthwhile, IMHO, for many people - particularly the many living in Dubai who've never bothered going next door. These posts about stuff to do around the UAE might help

Don't forget that Sharjah's 'dry', but don't let that put you off, either.

Go crazy this summer and give one of these a bash - there are more on the Sharjah Tourism website, but I've cherry picked the best of 'em here.

FIVE STAR

Radisson Blu
Tel: +9716 5657777
Dhs 299
The Radisson SAS. This is a pretty nice hotel, actually, with a good pool and beach and does simply fantastic Lebanese food. The Friday buffet’s not unpleasant and I'd recommend the place as easily the best hotel in Sharjah.

Holiday Inn Corniche
Tel: +9716 5599900
This hotel’s on the Buheirah Lagoon, in the city centre near the famous Blue Souq (Souq Al Markazi).
Dhs 255 Single
Dhs 299 double

FOUR STAR

Sharjah Rotana
Tel: +9716 563 7777
On the site of the old Palace Hotel, plonked just on the edge of the bustling Al Arouba souq area, this business hotel always struck me as a slightly odd place. Never been in it.
Dhs 200 double

Marbella Resort
Tel: +9716 5741111
The Marbella has been there for donkey’s and is next to the Holiday Inn. It’s all chalets and has always seemed pleasant enough to me. I do recommend a visit to the website, which is highly nostalgic and will take you back to 1970s retro brochure design and first generation website design.
Dhs 199 junior suite

Sharjah Carlton Hotel
Tel: +9716 5283711
This is one of the older properties in Sharjah and used to look pretty imposing back in the 1980s. It just looks old now, but is not unpleasant, has a lovely beach and is near the old fishing village of Al Khan and Sharjah’s aquarium, which is well worth a visit. Its website describes it as situated on the lush Arabian sea and so, I guess, it is.
Dhs 199 single
Dhs 225 double

Oceanic Hotel, Khor Fakkan
Tel: +9716 238 5111
This is, again, an older hotel with distinctive round porthole windows and is absolutely fine to stay in, has a lovely beach and pool and is ideal for exploring the East Coast of the Emirates.
Dhs 99 single
Dhs 199 double

Personally, I'd go for the Oceanic for sheer value and the East Coast and the Radisson for facilities.

BTW, I got the pricings above from the most helpful Mohammed at the Tourism call centre - 800 SHJ to you!

Thanks to Rob, whose comment on the original post (which I scrubbed) alerted me to the fact that Sharjah Tourism's website had been updated and my whinge about it's lack of content had been addressed even as I was whingeing!

Air Outpost

I love HDR. Official.

This might not be a technically ‘correctly composed’ shot, but it makes a smashing desktop image (if I say so myself) – drop me a mail or a Tweet if you’d like a full sized image. Nick probably won’t apply. ;)

The image was taken in a mooch around a much-loved monument; Sharjah’s Mahatta Fort Museum. If you haven’t been there, I can only urge you to go.

A nice little slice of the UAE’s history – and a little slice of British history too, is wrapped up in the story of this odd little fort.

Mahatta Fort used to be a mile from the old town of Sharjah. Today it’s enveloped in the city – but the road outside that leads from the traffic lights just down from Mega Mall past the ‘Saudi Mosque’ and through Ittihad Square to meet ‘Smile You’re Insane’ (Sorry, ‘Smile You’re In Sharjah’) roundabout is suspiciously straight and slab-like, with dribbles of bitumen infilling the slabs. There’s a reason for that – the road is actually the old runway of Sharjah International Airport, before the airport was moved out of the city.

In 1937 this runway was a sand landing strip and served Imperial Airways, the (at the time) miraculous air-route that led from Croydon to Australia – a route that traversed Europe, taking passengers to Egypt and from there either through Darkest Africa to Cape Town or through Darkest Arabia through India, Asia and down to Australasia.

This first ever attempt to create a global airway brought the whole (Sun Never Sets On It) British Empire together. It meant travelling from Croydon to the desert town of Sharjah in just four days! From South East Asia, the Imperial Airways service was handed over to the Queensland and Northern Territories Airline Service. You’ll likely recognise it better as QANTAS.

We have a copy of the documentary film Air Outpost, made in 1937 about this remarkable desert airstrip, the fort that was built by the Sheikh of Sharjah to house the 38 passengers of each flight and protect them from marauding bedouin as they made their way through from Alexandria via ‘Bahrein’ to Qwaidar in Baluchistan and on to Karachi in India. In the morning after the Alexandria overnight stop, staff would have to be despatched to the city’s brothels to round up wayward passengers. Honest.

Sharjah held no such attractions, of course...

The film itself is important, credited as being likely the first ever true ‘documentary’ film, one of a series made by director Alexander Korda for Imperial Airways by his London Films company – and featuring a soundtrack composed by William Alwyn, now recognised as an important C20th British composer. The film is preposterous in the extreme, from the quoits-chucking Brit goons playing in the courtyard of Mahatta to while away the time between arrivals through to the stiff fish carried on donkey-back from the ‘Arab city of Shar-Jar’ to serve the lucky guests. There’s even a grumpy looking Scottish station manager who signals to the Sikh walla to ring the bell announcing the arrival of the flight – using, as the instruction, the very same bell-ringing motion he could have used to damn well do it himself. The Iranian petrol-boys play cards as they wait for the flight to arrive and the Sheikh's guard of honour turns out to greet the passengers. Tally ho!

It still amuses me greatly.

The planes used to fly from Alexandria to Gaza in Palestine, and then on to Habbaniya and Baghdad by following ‘The Trench’ – a guideline laid across the black desert of Northern Trans-Jordan by trawling a bunch of chains behind a tractor. After the overnight stop in Baghdad, it was off to Basra, Kuwait, Bahrain and, finally, a landing in Sharjah as the last of the day’s light played itself out.

Imperial Airways eventually became BOAC, the British Overseas Airline Corporation and then just simply British Airways.

Sharjah airport was used to house Spitfires in WWII (A pal of my dad’s used to fly ‘em here – “What you want to live in Dubai for, boy? It’s just a bunch of mud huts on a creek!” I kid you not) and then flew commercial stuff until the new airport was built and Mahatta fell into disuse. The extensive (and fascinating) area of Nissen huts and workshop buildings that used to litter a swathe of central Sharjah was eventually cleared for development, only the broken down remains of the old fort eventually remaining. And then, wonder of wonders, it was renovated and turned into a delightful museum – which is well worth a visit, BTW.

The story of the Handley Page Heracles class biplanes, 38-seat luxury airliners decorated inside in mahogany and chintz (featuring, of course, a bar) that linked the world for the first time ever is a remarkable one that has long captivated me. It ended in tragedy when one of these great planes was lost en-route to Sharjah in the Indian Ocean, somewhere off the coast of Kalba, or perhaps in the Eastern Hajjar Mountains. Nobody is quite sure.

And that is where I end my tale. With a thought for the 228 people who didn’t make it to the runway this week, either, lost somewhere in an ocean. Where, nobody is quite sure...

UPDATE
With consummate cool, The National has posted the full copy of Air Outpost up on its website! You can find it here!

Snicket Watch

Three new routes through the barriers open up over the past 72 hours, all three blocked by the unseen hands of evil during the day today. But some wag finds a weakness and we all get through again.

All your base are belong to us! Ha!

Taxi

So Sharjah taxis have implemented the Dhs20 surcharge for going to Dubai but, as far as I have seen, Dubai taxis have not implemented the charge the other way.

The charge was ostensibly to make it easier on drivers reluctant to brave the traffic and not be able to return with a fare due to the odd rule that cabs can't pick up fares in other emirates. A driver rewarded is a driver keen to serve, is the theory, no?

As Gulf News (690g) asserts, in the report linked above: "Taxi companies in both Sharjah and Dubai lobbied for the new flag-fall rate. The decision was taken to provide an incentive to taxi drivers, who have sometimes refused to make the trip between the two emirates, especially during peak hours or on holidays, leaving passengers helpless."

The truth, certainly according to the cabbies I've spoken to, is a little less poetic.

Out of the Dhs20, the cabbie gets only Dhs5. Dhs13 goes directly to the company and the rest gets eaten in 'fees and commissions'.

As usual, the cabbies get screwed over, the cab companies take our money. We get the same old woeful levels of service but get gouged again.

Amazing.

Cheap

Flew Air Arabia again today.

Again, no complaints. Sharjah airport is easy to use, efficient and small enough to be just, well, fine. And AA's service is prompt and just, well, fine.

But I can't tell you about the Spandex 50. Or I'd have to kill you...

Somme

It's become a battle of wills, the War of the Snicket.

The sandy short cut between Eastern Dubai and Sharjah has been dug up on the Sharjah side, trenches laid across all the accessible areas and earthworks pushed up either side of them. Another tranche of trenches were added to the open desert areas yesterday and sand piled up against any breaks in the fence With the berms and trenches snaking through the landscape, it looks more like the Somme than a short cut out there.

But there were a couple of routes through last night, a group of young nationals camped out by the more difficult pass, whooping with delight when people got through and waving encouragement when they got into difficulties. I must say watching a Hummer get into a stuck is quite impressive: it's the weight of the thing, a massive, slo-mo belly-flop.

There's a certain spirit to it all, a sort of "We've got a short-cut and you're not gonna block us!" indefatigable defiance. They can keep on piling up sand and digging trenches, but you'd be surprised at what a good 4WD can do in careful hands. Quite who is behind this is a mystery, though. If this is the hand of officialdom, surely a couple of bad-tempered coppers and a book of tickets would achieve in a day what this comedy has failed to achieve all week. Although I'm not sure that a 'driving on the sand' charge would stick, would it?

Having said that, the car workshops will be having a field day this weekend. There are an awful lot of car parts sticking out of the soft sand these days as tens of cars get bogged down or screw up in their quest to stay out of the long lines of traffic that glitter across Dubai and Sharjah every morning and evening.

Trial

I’m sorry to go on about the traffic, the last resort of a blog scoundrel, but I can’t help it. It’s been a fact of life ever since we first moved out to the Emirates, back when the Sharjah/Dubai road traffic could get so bad that you could be held up in queues for at least 15 minutes. Scandalous, eh?

But today’s traffic. Now, that’s really traffic. We’re talking about two hour bumper to bumper snarl-ups that are starting at 6am and lasting 3 or 4 hours. Aggressive lane-swapping, frustration and general bad-temperedness make the whole process, for those that endure it, a twice-daily joy. It’s the world’s ‘Dubai talking point’, although poor old Sharjah is fast eclipsing Dubai for sheer traffic hell, despite the RTA’s efforts.

Now Sharjah Police has closed the exit from the infamous National Paints roundabout, forcing any traffic wishing to exit the Emirates Road at that point to take the Mileha Road, which is already partially blocked by roadworks and reduced to a single lane. This then feeds up through the Univesity City, a road restricted by frequent large speed bumps. An alternative is the U-turn in front of Sharjah English school and the feeder road that goes from the previous Emirates Road junction through the industrial area and past the school. Result: a school mired in awful, dangerous levels of confused traffic. It was madness as people tried to muddle through, jostling for some way to get back to their route home.

According to Gulf News’ story on the move today, it is a ‘trial’ to ‘estimate traffic movement’.

So it was ‘a trial’ to see what would happen if you closed the congested National Paints roundabout and re-routed the traffic through roads themselves blocked by roadworks.

An experiment.

I wonder what’ll happen if I bash myself on the head repeatedly with this large meat tenderising hammer? *whamwhamwhamwham*. Interesting. It appears to be causing not inconsiderable pain...

Am I the only person around here thinking that perhaps if they had told people they were going to do this first, if they had proper signage announcing and directing the diversion and if they had announced the move to the public with an awareness campaign, then the initial consequences would have been at least slightly less traumatic?

National Paints is a fine company and its products are most excellent. But avoid its roundabout...

Revenge

The sandy snicket that provides daily relief to hundreds of 4WD owners dragging their sorry asses between Sharjah and Dubai was blocked over the weekend. Piles of sand, cones and tape and trenches have been placed across the open areas of sandy hillocks between the two emirates. Many people only found out about it on their way in to work today. And golly, was the result impressive or what!

The whole area was reduced to a scene of the most marvellous chaos you have ever seen in your life. Cars all over the place, more stucks than the Gulf News Fun Run and an incredible, huge collection of frustrated, pissed-off people bashing about in an area of increasingly churned-up, soft sand.

So that's a couple of thousand more cars joining the daily car parking fun on the Ittihad, Emirates and Dubai by-pass roads. I can't see what harm they were doing using the snicket, but who's to question the unseen hands that have decided to cut the short cuts?

There's no chance this had anything to do with me outing the guy from the RTA who uses the snicket is there? No? Oh, OK. Good. I wouldn't want that on my conscience...

Jams

It's constantly building - jam today and more of jam tomorrow...

There’s an awful lot of talk about the traffic in Dubai, but next door things are quietly getting pretty damn grim.

The closure of the middle and upper stretches of Sharjah’s main road, Al Wahda Street has been accompanied by roadworks on, as far as I can see, pretty much every major road in the city – particularly those leading East. There are major diversions in place on Book Roundabout (Officially Cultural Square, because as eny fule no, roundabouts are square – at least they all are in Sharjah), the road that connects with Dubai’s Beirut street, the Ajman road (and the connecting road past Swiss Cottage/the Al Owais Majlis) and the roads past the vegetable market.

The result has been absolute chaos, particularly in the mornings. Here’s the rub: when you ‘plan’ a city so that all the schools and universities are located outside the main city, to the east, you may want to think about having some roads open that lead - errr – east. But there’s one. A single, sad little road. The route in question, the Dhaid road, has been expanded (it took ages) to become a three-lane highway. But that’s nowhere near enough to cope with the volumes of traffic it’s being asked to handle right now. It’s the major, and only unencumbered, access to the Emirates Road, the 611, the airport and to the Universities, as well as to anywhere in the interior and the East coast.

The only alternative road, the Mileiha Road, leads from the Emirates Road at the infamous National Paints roundabout, so it’s pretty much inaccessible for much of the morning due to the massive volumes of traffic clogging up the entire road network around that area. Including all the saps that bought the Ras Al Khaimah '45 minutes from Dubai’ line. And there are roadworks on that road, too!

If something happens, then, on that one clear road East (which is fast clogging in multi-kilometre snarl-ups up of its own accord as early as 6.15am and getting earlier daily), the consequences are disastrous. We’re looking at people spending two hours and mlre in traffic before leaving Sharjah: schools where classes aren’t starting until an hour after they should because parents aren’t able to get through the snarling, aggressive lines of awful traffic and at multi-kilometre tailbacks that make the Ittihad Road look attractive.

And then, compounding all this, we have the added delight of Sharjah’s drivers. Arguably Less rigorously held to account than drivers are next door, these boys just love the hard shoulder, push their way around using sheer weight and will instantly create six lanes of traffic at any point whenever two lanes are narrowed to one. And because the Dhaid road leads to the University, you can chuck in a couple hundred FJ cruisers driven by hotheads with dangerously high testosterone levels every morning, too.

Nope. You lot in Dubai have got it easy, right now.

Planners

Have you ever noticed how often new things are dug up again? Roads that have just been laid that suddenly have teams of people turning them into trenches, gardens that seem to attract JCBs the second they're established?

Following that trend, the road that stretches from the infamous National Paints roundabout to the delightful seafront mangrove swamps of Khor Kalba, the Mileiha Road, is now being dug up. The road itself is less than ten years old, with the intersection currently overlooking the digging having been completed some three years ago. Why they are compelled to dig it up again is a mystery.

But that's not the good bit. The good bit is that they've been working on the road for months, slowly coming in from the desert and now reaching the road between Sharjah English School and the University City.

Presumably the planners thought it was a good idea to dig up the roads outside a school with all the attendant traffic chaos, misery and increased risk to the kids during term-time, rather than completing this work in the summer months and then doing the desert stretch away from the school now.

Yes, yes, I know. What planners...

Death

Sharjah's Al Wahda Street. It used to be where Dubai came for the night out, you know. Honestly. It was a really kickin’ place by night – even today, its cellars can tell some stories from back then. After the big change in Sharjah, Al Wahda Street had to fall back on its other trade – being a second Beirut. During the civil war, so many families made their homes in Sharjah and Al Wahda Street was where they loved to live, eat and shop. There were classics: Red Shoe, Old Shoe, Bird, Valencia, Penguin – mad shoe shops, sharp suit shops: tailors that called you ‘Seer’ and knew what they were doing and more slicked back hair and Lebanese shop assistant attitude than you could shake a stick at. Everyone used to ‘do’ Al Wahda Street for clothes and stuff. It was just class – Al Aroubah Street was always Indian, all saris and souks, but Al Wahda was where you’d do the maddest Mediterranean magnificence.

At one stage in the '80s, some wag produced a spoof UAE job application form. It was one of those things that plays on the various nationalities that make up the 'entrepot' that everyone used to go on about so much. You had to tick your nationality and give your address. If you ticked Lebanese, it directed you to the question, "Where on Al Wahda Street do you live?"
It was funny because it rang true - Al Wahda Street was always a Little Lebanon. And that's what made it wonderful.

Shopping on Al Wahda Street was just a total pleasure; it always rewarded an evening’s wander, dipping into the stores, dropping by at Al Mallah for a shawarma or fatayeh and maybe a jooce cocktail. It was always part discovery, part entertainment – flashing neon lights and amazing, flashy fashions. And during the very height of the civil war, it was a place where a community in diaspora still lived as if nothing was happening, as if their families weren’t sitting in the cellars listening to the crack and thud of gunfire above and living off cream crackers or whatever else they could get their hands on that day. Somehow, Al Wahda Street's zeitgeist was to escape the civil war but was of it. It’s sort of complicated.

And now it’s gone. Dead. A few sad, gasping vestiges of what was life and drama, laughter and celebration still remain, but they won’t outlast the roadworks. The traffic problems and then the sliproad started the rot, the parking metres confirmed it as a rot. Now the Wahda Street Masterplan Phase Four or whatever they’re calling it has really screwed things. Wahda Street is dead, extinguished by a strange and cack-handed attempt to do something, anything, with Sharjah’s traffic.

In the meantime, possibly the strangest and most dangerous diversion in the country now takes traffic from Dubaiwards up through the backroads between Al Wahda Street and the Industrial Estate: the mad two and three and two lane route snakes past shops and workshops, godowns and sideroads. Men on bicycles career around the corners, cycling against the traffic and groups of shalwar khameeses scurry across the road as the cars try and work out what they’re supposed to do in the face of a total lack of road markings and signage, let alone lighting. There are few barriers and those that are there have come askew. It’s a Wacky Races alleyway of death through the backstreets and someone’s going to get hurt pretty soon.

Is this really the best thing to have done? Is this really the apogee of urban planning? I really do wonder...

14

Enigmaticaly, little orange bus stops have started popping up all over Sharjah. The fact that bus stops have popped up isn’t in itself enigmatic: the enigmatic bit is that they all carry the number 14. It must be the Mother of all Bus Routes, the Sharjah Number 14.

There is no other number. Every single bus stop is served by the number 14 bus: from Al Wahda and Al Arouba street right up to the airport and around the university, down to the industrial estate and out to the Emirates Road.

And, of course, this being Sharjah: if every bus stop on every route is numbered 14, then obviously every bus should be a number 14 bus, too. And so it is. Yup: every man jack of ‘em’s a number 14 bus.

This from the place where every roundabout is named as a square.

Ya gotta love it...

Iranians

I was bibbling on about speedbump communities developing in the UAE the other day. Another developer-free development that I have been delighted to witness in my time here has been that of the Iranian souks of the Arabian Gulf coastal ports. While Dubai had the long established Iranian community in Bastakia (named after Bastak in Iran and rebuilt in concrete rather than the more authentic Souk Al Arsah in Sharjah which was restored using traditional coral building materials), younger communities have built up in Sharjah, Ajman and Ras Al Khaimah, built around dhows from Iran docking and offloading their cargo of stuff to flog on the side: melamine plates, garish plastic kitchenware, aluminium pots and ‘mutton grab’ trays as well as knock-off brand soaps, cleaners (Dettox! Clorex! Persul!) and detergents.

Ajman’s packing-case Irani souk burned down a few years ago and was replaced with a covered souk by the government. It’s a wonderland of mad plastic and ceramic, local housewives hammering away verbally at moustachioed, swarthy vendors in vests - locked in the glorious traditional ritual of barter.

And in Ras Al Khaimah, you’ll find the Irani souk on the dockside, still made out of wooden offcuts: a long line of stalls selling the whole mad collection of things they make in Iran and China.

Today, the most developed of these port-side souks is the Iranian souk off Sharjah port, which has now become a row of established shops along the corniche road and even has its own distinctive blue mosaic-adorned Irani mosque. It’s here, just off the restored buildings of the old souk and arts area, that you’ll still find ‘poor’ stores selling charcoal, hashish, shishas and traditional brooms and matting, as well as stores selling dried herbs, medicines and traditional bukhours and perfumes: it’s a wonderful evening’s wander along the shopfronts.

Here, incidentally, as well as on Ajman's perimeter road where there are also still a couple of traditional 'poor' stores, you can buy hashish. But don't get too excited - hashish is Arabic for 'grass' and this stuff really is dried grass. And, as I'm wandering, you might (or might not) be interested to know that this is how we derive the English word assassin - it's from the Arabic 'hashishim', or dope-fiends. There's a story to that, but I think I've wandered enough for now...

The shops all have Iranian names and sell floor to ceiling kitchen goods, kitchen electricals, plastic stuff, cool-boxes, spices and pretty much anything else that can be retailed. The opposite side of the road is all bustle, too: the frenetic commerce of the dhow port is at play here – the boats that still ply the ports of the Gulf, Red Sea and East Africa as well as the routes across to India and carry anything from onions or coal to cars and white goods.

If this kind of thing tickles you, incidentally, you’ll love this: Len Chapman’s labour of love (I’ve plugged it before), www.dubaiasitusedtobe.com is a really amazing collection of pictures and anecdotes from the people that truly do remember ‘when that was all sand’... It’s a great place to spend an hour wandering around – particularly if you want to get a feel for quite how astonishing the transition from Dubai to Lalaland has been.

The dhow ports are probably the last surviving link between Len's UAE and ours. I bet they'll find a way to convert these last informal communities into nice, neat formal ones too, with RTA regulated shippers operating from air conditioned cabins and plastic dhows with electric motors to stop residents being woken. Dubai Dhow City. Can't wait.

Sorry

Firstly, an apology to New Light Publishers of New Delhi: I have previously attributed the incorrect number of contents to that most compendious collection of letters for every occasion, 1111 Letters for Every Occasion. I had previously referred to the book as '111 letters' and I am sorry. To err is human, but to do so by a factor of 10 is regrettably all too human.

Many businesses need to advertise themselves and one popular way of doing so is by issuing a circular. It is upon this very subject that I wish to regale you today by presenting some more extracts from that guide to life, 1111 Letters for Every Occasion. This section, be warned, gets pretty strange.

Mechanical Educational Toys
Dear Sirs
We are manufacturers of mechanical educational toys that are the rage of the younger folk all over the world.
Catalogue and trade terms enclosed herewith.
Yours faithfully...

Pure Drinks
We are the manufacturers of pure drinks from fresh fruits in Kulu orchards.
Enclosed herewith is a catalogue and our trade terms.
Yours faithfully...

Dolls for Daddies
Dear Sirs
We produce easily digestible dolls for daddies in colourful wrappers, suitable for presentation to old folk on their birthdays.
Details and trade terms enclosed herewith.
Yours faithfully...

Pocket Computer
We are the manufacturers of pocket computers that solve all your day-to-day problems wherever you are.
You find herewith a catalogue and trade terms.
Yours faithfully...

Speak to Your Beloved Dead
We are the inventors of an eerie telephone that can put you in touch with your dead friends and kinsmen. Enclosed you will find the illustrated catalogue and trade terms.
Yours faithfully...


As always, I must point out that I have not changed a word from the original and that this is not my invention but an extract from an honest to goodness book. Honestly. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. If anybody out there knows that a doll for daddies is something other than the unthinkable, I would dearly like to know...

Next week: diplomatic correspondence...

Birthday

I am a man of my word. I said I'd post more extracts from 1111 Letters For Every Occasion, that indispensable and encyclopaedic guide to every letter you will ever have to write. For anyone that missed earlier examples of the genius of this book, or the explanation of quite why New Light Publishers of Delhi came to be the proud promulgators of this peerless epistolic peregrination, the original post is here and more examples are here, here and here.

Today, we celebrate the boss's birthday. And then, just as a bonus, we seek a recommendation for a suitable groom. Both are of the usual high standard. Please do not forget, as you read them, that these have been earnestly suggested as templates for serious correspondence. For therein lies their charm...

Greetings to Boss

Dear Sir/Madam

Dear Honourable...

May I have the honour to send you my heartiest greetings on the celebration of your birthday this month? I know that you are far above these mundane matters and flowery tributes mean nothing to you but your birthday is a great and golden occasion for your friends and admirers who owe so much to you for your earnestness and sincerity in your crusade to promote public causes.

You have invested the better part of your life in selfless causes which the future generations cannot forget and the historians will write with genuine appreciation about the objectives you have realised against the heaviest odds in the most crucial days of history and a leader should be judged not merely by what he achieves but the circumstances in which he accomplishes the dim objectives beyond the blue horizon because he might well be sowing the seeds of better karma for a bumper harvest to be finally reaped by others who are not yet even born.

Congrulating you once again on your birthday,

Yours faithfully...

Confidential Report

What do you think of Mr. J.S. Stuart, the proprietor of Stuart Agriculture Company?

I am planning to marry my daughter with him.

Positive Reply

Mr. Stuart is an excellent young man belonging to a very respectable family of Hongkong.

I strongly recommend him for marriage.

Negative Reply

Mr. Stuart is a sharp-fingered man who has failed in business because of false pretence.

It is better to keep your daughter away from him.