Yaytee

Image by pupski via Flickr

Every other morning (sadly) I buy petrol. I almost invariably use the same service station and invariably ask for the same thing. Dhs80 of ‘Special’. I have done since they built the damn place just down from my house – oh, apart from a brief phase last year when it went up to Dhs90 of Special.

“Hi. 80 Dirhams Special please”
Smile “Good morning”
“Yes, Good morning. 80 Dirhams Special please.”
Big smile “Good morning.”
“80 Dirhams special please”
“Full?”
“No. Eighty Dirhams of special please. 80. AT. Eyt zero. Aytee.”
“Sixty!”
“No. Eighty, AT, bandersnatch, argubuthon, ephaisto. Yayytee. Eeeteee.”
Huge smile as understanding dawns like the Midsummer sunrise over the stones on Salisbury Plain. “Yaytee!”
“Yes. 80.”
“Super?”
“NO, Special. Yaytee Special.”
“Open please.”

Now I am rather left wondering what it takes for a petrol pump attendant to understand an order for petrol. Let us assume that a working knowledge of Arabic, Hindi, English, Malayalam and Urdu is required. We need to learn:

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. 80. 90. 100. Full. Special. Super. Diesel. Change. Cash. Credit Card. Receipt. Clean window. Yes. No.

It’s not a hellish vocab to pick up, is it? Even a Nokia speech recognition system could probably do it, and could probably handle the words involved even if you had a heavy cold and had just yesterday been repeatedly punched hard on the nose by an irritated customer who had finally snapped and physically visited your call centre to let you know what he thought of your cheery ‘Anything else I can do for you today, sir?’

It’s not as if people frequently stop at the petrol pump and chat about movements in art or care to outline philosophical approaches to the socio-economic conundrums of the world today. Your average conversation consists of window down, ‘I want x amount of x petrol’.

In fact, this being true, you could pretty well anticipate what the chap in the car is saying, even if he’s green, has antennae and is driving a small spaceship. He’s saying [Amount] [Type of fuel] where [Amount] is one of ten numbers or the word ‘full’ 99.9999% of the time and where [Type of fuel] is one of three possible types.

Unless, of course, he’s saying ‘take me to your leader’, in which case pouring refined petroleum spirit into his Quantum Drive’s water tank may not be a smart move.

So where is the problem? I’m a regular, I always ask for the same thing and it is clearly differentiated in my language from any other reasonable thing that you could expect me to ask for in the circumstances. Leastways it is unless your petrol station forecourt supermarket is home to a world-class delicatessen that stocks weights of tea, Dee hams and special peas.

I have the sneaking suspicion that they all turn around and talk to each other about what a rum old customer I am in their impeccable, Etonian English the second I drive off, I really do...

A Bunch of Bankers

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

My bank has a new toy. It’s an automated calling system that puts a call in to me if one of our three joint accounts we hold becomes overdrawn. I get a call that then places me on hold until someone at the call centre becomes free and picks up the line.

So I, the ‘customer’, am made to hang around like a jerk on the end of a line until they can find the time to talk to me?

Is this what they call customer service?

And then I get dopey the call centre clot telling me that my account is Dhs50 overdrawn and asking when can I ‘normalise the situation’. Needless to say, I point out to the clot on the line, the other two accounts are significantly in funds, which you’d have seen if you cared enough about your ‘Status’ customers to give even a cursory glance at the account status before putting calls in to them on a Friday morning about insignificant overdrafts.

Taking that quick look at the account status before placing the call would have taken a great deal less of the bank’s time and effort than the FIVE calls I got from them on Friday regarding the same issue. It would also have avoided a lot of unpleasantness for their call centre staff. One of them, deliciously, called after I had authorised a transfer from another account to restore the balance of the account that was causing so much apparent heartache. ‘Oh, you see the system doesn’t update properly’ she told me just before I let her have it.

I did tell her it wasn’t personal and I didn’t see why she had to apologise to me – it was the bank’s issue and I wanted her to escalate my complaint. She hasn’t, of course, but I have.

The world’s local bank? HSBC? The biggest bunch of numpties I have ever dealt with, they continue to blight my life with every single contact I have with them. The only thing you can rely on is their constant failure to provide even the most basic level of service and banking facilities without embroiling their customer in needless heartache, anger and frustration.

Why don’t I move? Because last year I finally snapped and went to Lloyds only to find they couldn’t even open an account without screwing it up. As so many people have told me – they’re each one worse than the other.

No wonder the useless bastards all needed bailed out...

Kitchenomics

Social media punishes attempts at one-way communication precisely because it is social – an ongoing, online dialogue between people.

Put yourself in the kitchen at a party – everyone in there is chatting away and then you jump in shouting your head off about how wonderful you are. End result? If you escape being punched, you’re lucky. But people will be aggrieved at you for being so rude.

You’re generally welcome into the kitchen, but social behaviour dictates that you listen to the people around you, work out what’s being said and then make a contribution that will ensure you are accepted as a valid and welcomed member of the group. You can’t have a party yourself until you know enough people to invite, so there’s always an element of spending time in other people’s kitchens before you can be confident that you know enough people to invite over to your party.

If everyone in that kitchen knows who you are, for instance if it’s your kitchen, then you could well get away with crashing in – but you’ll fast get a reputation for being obnoxious and loud at parties and people may well start avoiding you. Even if you’re known, it’s safer to behave with respect and tact rather than going around shouting slogans at people.

If you insist it’s your kitchen and you have the right to lock everyone in and shout assertive brand-enhancing slogans at them, nobody will ever come to your party again. If you make playing party games conditional to being in the kitchen, people will avoid the kitchen and also your parties.

In fact, one of the most important things about good parties is that you give up your right to your kitchen entirely – strange people will stand around in it and have conversations that have nothing to do with you. And they will enjoy themselves and consequently be delighted when they're invited back.

The value to this is that, managed properly, you can also engage in that conversation and perhaps gently steer it around to a topic that’s more valuable to you – but it helps to have invited the right people to the party, and therefore into the kitchen, in the first place. And to treat them with respect and as peers.

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Rat On Board PIA Flight Causes Passenger Violence

Image via Wikipedia

It's not often I quote a news report totally verbatim but this, thanks to pal Angus, just begs to be digested in full and at leisure.

I particularly love the reaction of the passengers on the delayed Dubai flight.

I have edited not one word from the below. And they're not even taking the Mickey - here's the link so's you can confirm I'm on the straight and narrow!

Another rat found in plane

By: Amraiz Khan | Published: April 27, 2009 LAHORE - Yet another rat was spotted in a PIA aircraft prior its take-off from the Allama Iqbal International Airport on Sunday.

The flight PK-758, which was scheduled for Lahore-Karachi-London air-route, had come from London at the Lahore airport. Unlike the last incident wherein business class passengers of PK-258 saw a rat, this time, it was the pilot himself who spotted the dubious movements of the mouse.

This was the second mouse infested PIA flight. The pilot later refused to operate the aircraft any further till the removal of the rat, said sources in the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA).

The plane wherein the pilot found the mouse was scheduled to fly back to London as PK-787. But due to his refusal, the Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) management arranged another 777 aircraft to cover the same route. The 777 aircraft was originally supposed to operate as PK-203 for Dubai at 8:45 am, but in order to make it available for London the PIA management delayed the 777’s Dubai operation by 1:00 am, April 27.

The passengers of the Dubai flight started protesting when their flight was delayed. The CAA had to call police and ASF when the protesting pasesngers became violent.

As per details, the pilot of the flight PK-758 saw the rat on board and refused to operate it back as PK-787 Lahore-Karachi-London, saying that it could be hazardous for the flying.

As per sources in the PIA and CAA, the airport management tried to convince the pilot for further flight but he refused to do so, saying that the presence of the rat could cause an mishap.

However, after a short discourse the pilot became ready to take the flight as ferry flight (with no passengers and cabin crew) to Karachi.

*** OH NOES! IT GETS BETTER! ***

Thanks to eagle-eyed Twitterpal Kawthar, I can now share the FOLLOWUP story. Hang on there, readers, this is going to be a bumpy ride!

Another rat found in plane

By: Amraiz Khan | Published: April 27, 2009 The panic-stricken PIA Flight Control located at Karachi cancelled the Dubai-bound PK-203, to be operated by another Boeing 777 with 300 passengers, most of whom had checked-in or were in the process to do so. This caused a lot of anger amongst the passengers, some of them with visa restrictions to enter by 26 April, while most of them had prior business commitments in Dubai.

The police and ASF were called in to calm the agitators after they came to know that London bound passengers were given preference, when PIA decided to detail the Dubai bound aircraft for London flight, while delaying the Dubai flight till 1 am on 27 April, which will be operated by a Boeing 777 returning from New York as PK-712.

Meanwhile, the rat infested Boeing 777 was ferried by PIA to Karachi, without any passenger, since it was not cleared for normal operation by the CAA.

The PIA sources have disclosed that rats find their way into planes by means of cargo containers lying at cargo sheds. Other places for their entrance are the catering vans and Avio Bridges from where passengers embark.

When contacted the PIA spokesman said that no rat was witnessed in the plane but plane was operated as ferry flight to Karachi because of some technical reasons. But the Civil Aviation Vigilance section confirmed the presence of mouse in PK-758.

Another update, July 2009!!!

MORE rats found on PIA flights! And the cheeky buggers are trying to blame HEATHROW! Here's the link - and above is a nice history of rat infested flights that haven't been near good old LHR!

RTA Renews Licenses Online

Image via Wikipedia

"Hello, RTA."
"Hi. I need to renew my driving license. What documents will you require?"
"You can go to the nearest centre, yours is at Co-Op opposite Safa Park, Sir. You'll need the old license, a passport copy, Dhs 100 fees and an eye test. For the eye test, you need to visit an optician and you will require your passport and a photograph of yourself."
"And that's it?"
"Yes, sir!"

Wow!

How much has changed around here? When I originally got the license (way back when, you don't need to know, right?) it had taken a major internationally co-ordinated effort, the resources of three small Latin American countries and the best part of a whole morning hanging around in hopeless queues, processing paperwork and being videoed in large empty rooms filled with smiling policemen - and that was with the efforts of my powerful sponsor's mandoub.

So off I toddled. I got the eye test from a wiry thin Syrian optician whose hacking cough shook his gaunt frame every two seconds.

"Cover your eye. Read the letters."
"E O N F V W"
"Okay, now cover other eye. Read letters."
(puzzled) "Errm. E O N F V W"
Okay. You pass. Dhs 25.

I went upstairs to the RTA centre and proudly handed over my old license, my passport copy, my eye test (with stamped photo stapled to it to prove I wasn't using Gary Gilmore's eyes) and my Dhs 100.

The nice girl tapped on a keyboard and then smiled pityingly at me.

"You must pay twifty-ten Dirhams."
"Whaaat?"
"Yes," she smiled beatifically. "Your traffic fines. Of course you must pay these."

Of course. All the documents I'd need except one omitted vital element. Luckily, the Co-Op is festooned in ATM's, so one cash scoop and about ten minutes later, I was photographed and in possession of my new license - but short twifty-ten Dirhams.

Now Gulf News tells us that the RTA is to introduce an online renewal service. All you have to do is get the eye-test and apply online by attaching a photo and the fee. The optician can send your eye test direct to the RTA, apparently. And your license gets posted to you in four days.

How will they match the applications with the eye tests without losing them or breaking them? How will they handle the payment of fines given they have no e-payment portal worth a hoot? How will they handle licenses 'lost in the post'? We have yet to find out.

But to be honest, given that the Salik portal still couldn't process online payments by Visa last time I tried (and screwed up the time before that), I'd actually rather go the Co-Op route and get a license in my hands in ten minutes more than it takes to go anyway for the eye test - and get a lovely smile into the bargain.

Funny, isn't it, that the 'old fashioned' physical process is not only safer and more reliable than the online one but also faster. Rather turns one's preconceptions about the transactional Internet on their head...

Have the Brits Betrayed the Gurkhas?

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

A small treasure in my insanely extensive book collection is a thin volume called ‘Clangers’, a collection of Second World War anecdotes about cock-ups, misunderstandings and SNAFUs in the British forces.

One of the stories in the book relates to the Gurkhas, the fierce, tough kukri-wielding soldiers from the Himalayas that have long been valued by the British Army for their remarkable tenacity, courage and loyalty.

They are, incidentally, to be found in Oman among other places, where they have had a long history of service.

Their officer announced to the men on parade that there was to be a difficult and dangerous mission behind enemy lines. So much so, that it had been decided to ask for volunteers. They were to be flown in Lancaster bombers and dropped from a height of tens of thousands of feet far behind the front line – and would have to fight their way back.

When he finished, he asked any man who wished to volunteer to take one step forwards. Not one man moved – a massive shock to the officer. Then the light dawned and he announced that parachutes would be provided – the entire regiment took one step forwards to a man.

Apocryphal or not, it’s a story that epitomises the bravery of the Gurkhas and the respect in which they are held. Even to enter the regiment requires an amazing degree of toughness – recruits are required to run uphill for 40 minutes carrying over 30Kg of rocks in a rucksack.

But the 200-years of service and bravery the Gurkhas have given Britain are not, apparently, valued by the British government, which is refusing to grant the right to settle in the UK to Gurkha soldiers. Despite a court ruling last September that specifically gave the Gurkhas that right, the government continues to evade its responsibilities – including a new document that limits the right of settlement to those who have served over 20 years in the regiment. Only officers, therefore, would qualify – a rifleman is not permitted to serve more than 15 years.

More here, including a petition that you can sign up to (your voice apparently doesn’t quite count for as much if you’re non-resident, but don’t let that stop you!). Do feel free to lend your voice to the many appalled citizens of the UK who do not associate themselves with the government’s craven and indefensible filibustering, prevarication and duplicity in dealing with people that have given the country such service.

Judas or journalist?

Image by pythonboot via Flickr

I'm not sure how many silver coins are worth a gold one, but let's just put it at 30 for the sake of a decent headline.

It's a fine day when Emirates Business 24x7 is the only newspaper to expose a company that blatantly offers journalists the gift of gold for turning up to a press event, but that's precisely what reporter Dima Hamadeh did today. Her story 'outs' the World Gold Council and its PR company for sending a press invitation that promises all attendees to a WGC media event would receive a gold coin.

When taken to task by Hamadeh, the account manager at the agency responded with: "Why does it offend you? We have done it for years, not only for award announcements but for other events by the WGC as well."

The appropriate note of contrition perhaps lacking there, then...

Another PR person quoted in the story tells Hamadeh that "A lot of journalists call to know what they would be getting as a gift..."

Now that's news to me - in my 12 (grief) years in public relations I have never been asked by a journalist what gift is on offer at an event. In fact, I just checked around the Spot On office, and nobody else has, either. I can tell you that the answer to such a question would be very short indeed.

What on earth is the point of even wasting time talking to a roomful of journalists who have just pitched up to collect their bribe? What's the value of the debased coverage they would give you in their debased media? Besides, if you can own them enough to travel across town and listen to you for an hour for a coin, just send them the damn coin and the rubbish you want them to publish and save everyone some time, no?

The Middle East PR Association, MEPRA, stipulates a limit of $50 for media gifts - set as a reasonable limit for a small gift expected to represent a token of appreciation or thanks. The limit was set in response to a growing culture of outrageous attempts to bribe media, including gifts of consumer electronics such as games consoles, mobile phones and DVD players.

But gold coins are so much subtle, don't you think?

Now. Which publications have covered the World Gold Council jewellery design competition, Auditions? And can their journalists confirm they didn't take the coin?

The New UAE Media Law is .Not. Law

Image by Amy.Ng via Flickr

The New UAE Media Law has been passed by the Federal National Council, according to the Emirates news agency WAM.

The WAM story, filed just now, says that some 60% of the law has been modified, but doesn't say how the law has been modified or indeed whether the controversial 'harm to the economy' clause has been softened or clarified - or whether the 60% modifications were to the version of the law that's being debated or whether they were the original revisions that took place in the two years the law was, to use Gulf News subs' favourite phrase, 'on the anvil'.

We'll doubtless see more on this tomorrow. The law itself has provoked widespread media concern - and it does not, as far as I am aware or can find out, recognise the 'e-world' (for instance bloggers, forum commentators or, say, Twitterers) in any way. So whether you can go to jail for blogging or Tweeting something because you're not a journalist and therefore not entitled to the protection of the law (that protection including huge fines) or not is still totally up in the air. Let alone where a journalist that blogs something stands.

Up until now, the party line has been that regulations will 'clarify' the law. But we haven't yet seen how clear the law, in its final form, truly is. Let's hope that one of tomorrow's papers gets to publish the full draft as approved by the FNC so we can see how the world has moved on since the UAE Journalists' Association published its voluntary Code of Ethics in October 2007...

** As has been noted on this blog before, 'post in haste, repent at leisure'.

Indeed, the new 'law' news from WAM is, as the (sadly) anonymous commenter on this post quite rightly pointed out, not really news. The President has not, as far as we know, signed it off. And so it's not a law. It's just the same old document (unseen) that we've all been waiting for along with some more comments on how it's going to be a wonderful law that we're all going to really enjoy living with. I'm going to hold on getting a red face over this until we see tomorrow's coverage from UAE media. This'll be interesting...

U.A.Q. F.U.N. R.I.P.?

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The news that small and perfectly formed Emirate Umm Al Qawain is to close all bars and nightclubs appears to signal a new, more conservative approach.

It seems to be something of a KT 'scoop', BTW.

Long a favourite weekend haunt for the Lebanese community, UAQ had two 'proper' hotels, a couple of improper hooch-holes and a marina and equestrian club. It also sported the 'UAQ Tourist Club', which evolved from a barasti bar and Friday barbecue joint (run by a quite insane-sounding German person with a white hat) to being a fully-fledged beachside leisure and hotel outfit.

I learned to ride at the Equestrian Club back in the '90s - it was part of the UAQ Marina - a 'dry' entertainment venue, but a pleasant enough place to while away a beach-side Friday. The place was run by 'old school' couple Suzie and Peter Wooldridge, Peter was ex-military and had previously been stationed in the UAE apparently. It will be a very long time indeed before I forget Suzie's posh Brit voice booming across the sandy expanse of the riding school, 'Mexicaaan reeeiiinnss Arleygzaaarndar! Meeeexicaan reiins!!!'.

It was a nice little club and the stables were responsible for rescuing a number of horses, including failed yearlings, rodeo horses and even a couple of shell-shocked Lebanese nutters that had survived Israeli bombardments in the civil war. It was always fun to 'draw' one of those in the 'which horse do I get today' sweepstake. You could tell you were getting a nutter because they had white marks around their necks where they had tried to slip their rope halters during the bombardment - it's a little known fact that brown horse hair grows back white over scarring.

(Don't you learn the most marvellous things from this blog now and then, huh?)

My favourite of all was a 21-year old lippizaner called Samir. A contrary old bastard, Samir had been a beginner's school horse for long enough to know every trick in the book about how to plod around the school at his own pace no matter how much you squeezed or hupped. There were only two ways to get him moving: feed him Pepsi before the lesson or give him a smart crack on the arse with the crop. Some days it'd take both. I'd constantly touch him in the wrong places with my clumsy beginner's feet and end up doing involuntary dressage step dances across the school. The real treat when the weather was good was taking off the saddles and riding the horses bareback into the lovely waters of UAQ creek for a post-ride bathe in the warm, salty water.

They had two camels there called Larry and Alexander that they'd trained to do dressage. Funny.

Back then, a great Friday would consist of a ride out followed by a trip up to the Tourist Club, a barbeque lunch and a beer or two, perhaps a schlep out onto the creek on a jetski or one of the Club's boats and then a toddle home.

And then Suzie and Peter had a falling out with 'authority' and left, Peter selling his Porsche for a knock-down 'quick sale' Dhs 10,000 (always regretted not going for that one). Soon after, the land by the riding school was converted into chalets which always had something of a whiff of sulphur about them. Chalets that appeared to serve a 'certain type' of tourism. I shall say no more at the risk of offending the many sensitive and gentle souls amongst my readers.

I suspect the appearance of those chalets was pretty much when the rot started to set in. The KT news that some '25 nightclubs' were to be involved in the March 1st shutdown order came as something of a shock. 25 nightclubs? In lovely, quiet Umm Al Qawain?

The nightclub cleanup's fine by me, but I do hope they'll be leaving the 'old' outlets there - something that the KT story doesn't clarify.

People used to go up there and enjoy themselves quietly, not distressing, upsetting or disturbing anyone as they enjoyed the beaches and the rich marine life of the huge UAQ creek (turtles, marlin and mangroves).

And nobody, certainly, needed to worry about the provenance of the young lady accompanying you... But then I suppose they were more innocent times, no?

One For The Ladies

Of the many wonderful things to be found in the diverse and rich playground that is the Internet, this is one of my favourite things today. It was advertised on my phone bill and piqued my curiosity because of the whiff of egregious sexism it carried with it.

It's Etisalat's 'My Bouquet' service, a special range of offers for the little lady.

The advert on my phone bill offers the chance to win a pink Blackberry Pearl - because girls only like pink, don't they? Of course they do, lads.

But then we have the actual My Bouquet section of Etisalat's website (Interestingly, if you search eim.ae for "My Bouquet" it doesn't return the service as a result. Nice.), a true phenomenon of targeted marketing. For a start, it's got flowers on it - and everyone knows the girls love a flower every now and then! Especially those ones from Emarat, eh chaps?

"My bouquet is carefully designed to best serve the need of the women" Etisalat declaims on the site, which is illustrated with a (licensed, I hope!) picture of a sappy-looking Nancy Ajram. And how right they are! There are three bouquets, Lilac, Tulip and Orchid, which are perfect for the need of the women.

Lilac lets the women talk internationally for 1.6 hours. Tulip lets the women talk internationally for 5 hours and Orchid lets the women talk internationally for 8.3 hours. There are some reward point thingies and the chance to win that lovely, desirable and oh! So female! Pink Blackberry.

So there you go ladies! Now you can win a pink Blackberry and talk for a long time on the 'phone!

PS: I coloured this post pink especially for the ladies! This segmented marketing lark is a DODDLE once you understand your target audience, isn't it???