Atishoo! Oink!

Image via Wikipedia

The celebrated SeaBee makes the excellent point over at 'Life in Dubai' that we now have a 'clarification' of the original announcement that the UAE was banning pork products as a result of concerns regarding Swine Flu.

As SeaBee reports, quoting ArabianBusiness.com : "There is no decision to ban pork meat products," said Majid Al Mansouri, secretary-general of the Environment Agency and member of a higher committee responsible for combating the flu.

Someone forgot to tell our local Spinneys. The Ajman branch has taken the whole damn lot off sale and closed the pork section.

Luckily I have already taken the precaution of buying several freezers worth of 'the special stuff' and installing a number of large industrial freezing units, some advanced cryogenics, a backup UPS and generator and a flat-packed nuclear shelter as well as a significant amount of stockpile-protecting firepower.

We're alright, Jack. But how long will it be before the original ban, the reversal of the ban, the decision to ban the ban and the unbanning of the ban will be is anyone's guess.

Meanwhile, the linkage between ze mal de cochon and the transport, handling, storage, processing and consumption of 'the special stuff' is of course denied strenuously by every health authority and expert in the world.

Life in the Gulf. I have always loved it. I suspect I always will...

Radio Gaga

Image by luc legay via Flickr

Radio is probably the most undervalued advertising/communication medium of the lot: something of a shame, it's one of my favourite 'legacy' media...

I had always thought of this as a Middle East problem, but apparently it’s the case worldwide. People just won't invest appropriately in creating compelling executions for radio.

I’ve also always believed that crappy radio advertising stemmed from the relative affordability of the airtime on a slot by slot basis, that it was the consequent underinvestment that lies behind the awful executions that we all know and loathe so well. Because, let's face it, Middle East radio advertising is mired in awfulness that is beyond simply bad - it's heroically bad.

However, the almost total lack of data on the reach and influence of radio is, I believe, a uniquely Middle East problem. It’s hard to actually define who’s listening to what, when. And that, of course, makes it difficult to justify investing in radio from a cost per listener point of view.

Taking the issue from the other end of the pipeline might help – what’s the value of radio if you look at results. For instance, if you promote an event in a public place, say a shopping mall, over radio do people actually pitch up? If you ask for a response, for instance a phone-in or an SMS, by radio, do people respond?

The answer is not only yes, but it can also be a resounding yes - depending on how well your message is put together and how it resonates with its audience. Radio can be a very targeted medium indeed – and one interesting piece of evidence for this is to be found in the growing relationship between radio and social media. Thousands of people are starting to follow Dubai DJ Catboy, for instance, on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter – and as that relationship matures and strengthens, new followers are being added hourly. And those followers are active participants – they respond to competitions, give opinions, take part in what has become, in a very real sense, the ‘conversation’ that every Web 2.0 proponent will gladly talk to you about until your ears bleed. (Incidentally, over 4,000 people are currently following Simon 'Catboy' Smedley on Twitter).

So I’d like to suggest perhaps a slightly different approach to radio – one that’s not based so much on ‘How many people are getting our message when we scream slogans and benefits at them’ but more on ‘What stuff can radio help us to encourage people to do and participate with them in doing’ – the action in itself being a symptom of a deeper understanding of, and relationship with, your audience.

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Ford Fiesta - Online Fail?

Not enough bloggers in region to drive campaign, says Ford

Do they, indeed?

The excellent Dima Hmadi in today's Emirates Business 24x7 reports on Ford's international campaign to launch its new Fiesta model by getting 100 bloggers to test drive the car that shares its name with one of the London Rubber Company's finest products.

According to Hmadi's story, young trendsetters will 'live' with the car for six months, travelling as 'agents' on 'special missions' who'll report on their experiences using a variety of social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.

Fiesta, says the story, has more than 300 fans on the Fiesta Movement Facebook page and over 600 followers on the @FordFiesta Twitter account.

Gasp! 600 followers on Twitter? What an international runaway success! Er... not.

The story goes on to outline how Ford has been 'innovating' in the Middle East, with an auction of 24 specially painted Fiestas taking place on souq.com. The auction attracted an overwhelming 70 bids which, according to a 'well informed observer' was seen as a very good response.

70 bids for 24 cars? That's 2.9 bids per car. A good response? Er...not.

And then the story goes on to make the statement that got my little goat: "Bloggers invited to offer their inputs from around the region, however, generated no response."

The Ford spokesperson goes on to waffle dramatically about online media in a terribly authoritative way, including Ford's 'non-traditional approach' to online promotion. This included a Social Media Release (SMR) that "contained Special Edition Fiesta information, special video content, images and press releases targeted to key print and online media."

Wooooaaaah there! A "social media release" was targeted at "key print and online media"???

Aren't we missing something here, Ford?

"The SMR received extensive coverage within the online community" apparently, although I can't recall anyone posting about Ford Fiestas and, in fact, a Google Blog Search yields zilch from Middle East blogs. And so does a Technorati search...

The banner advertising generated 16.7 million impressions, though, prompting over 30,000 click-throughs for more information on their homepage - and the emailer campaign generated approximately 1,700 consumer responses and another 5,000 consumers were sent "racing" to souq.com.

So, Ford sent out some emailers, put up some banner ads, sent out an 'SMR' to the wrong people, generated a woeful response to an auction, a sad Facebook membership and a tiny Twitter following.

Did Ford or any of its representatives contact anyone out there about this campaign? Bloggers? Did you "fail to respond" or did they "fail to contact you"???

If they didn't, as I suspect, contact a single damn blogger, then it would be the final nail in this woeful and mendacious account of a campaign that wasn't a social media campaign or an innovative online campaign at all.

It was a fail.

Some US reaction, from the first page of Google blogsearch results, to the campaign, BTW - because I couldn't find any Middle East coverage online beyond AME Info. Perhaps someone from Ford could put me right...

http://blogs.edmunds.com
"Ford's idea for a video contest to pick the winners was brilliant, but the entertainment value of the videos, pics and tweets that will emerge over the next several months is questionable. I mean, as nice as the Fiesta may be, it's still just an entry-level economy car."

http://toughsledding.wordpress.com
"Fiesta Movement is, at its worst, payola. Or if you prefer, blogola. And it’s the same sort of blogola that’s created huge dust-ups back in ‘07. For some background, try here, here and here. Simply put, by offering a free car, free fuel and free insurance to the agents, Ford has co-opted its agents’ messages. The moment these “socially vibrant” influencers took Ford’s booty, they became paid shills."

Recession? What recession?

Image via Wikipedia

Gulf News is weighing in at something like (don't forget I'm using a Dhs19 scales from Lal's, so I can't really do the old atomic level measurements here) 540g these days, down from 1.3 Kg in November 2008 - and also down from the 640g-odd that it had sort of settled down to in February.

It peaks and troughs a bit, but it's been steadily trending down - the majority of the loss has, of course, been in the enormous volumes of clamorous and directive real estate advertising that last year was telling us to 'Live your dreams' and 'Dare to drivel' and whatnot.

At the same time, Al Nisr Publishing's Property Weekly (Al Nisr is GN's parent company) has dropped again from 72 pages to 66 - from a high of over 144 pages last year.

I take no pleasure in recording this. I have pals at Gulf News & PW and the newspaper has been my constant companion in over 15 years' living in the UAE. I'm rather fond of it, in a strange way.

But it's interesting, perhaps, for those who thought the worst was over in Jan/Feb and that we'd bottomed with the great Q1 shock, to see that the market's still losing value and that real estate advertising (and, arguably, advertising across the board) continues to shrink.

Disclaimer. This article is in no way intended to damage the economy or indeed to provoke any other economic affect beyond a mild look of passing interest between dunking the first and second Rich Tea biscuit in one's morning tea. No acarpi were harmed in the production of this post.

Yaytee

Image by pupski via Flickr

Every other morning (sadly) I buy petrol. I almost invariably use the same service station and invariably ask for the same thing. Dhs80 of ‘Special’. I have done since they built the damn place just down from my house – oh, apart from a brief phase last year when it went up to Dhs90 of Special.

“Hi. 80 Dirhams Special please”
Smile “Good morning”
“Yes, Good morning. 80 Dirhams Special please.”
Big smile “Good morning.”
“80 Dirhams special please”
“Full?”
“No. Eighty Dirhams of special please. 80. AT. Eyt zero. Aytee.”
“Sixty!”
“No. Eighty, AT, bandersnatch, argubuthon, ephaisto. Yayytee. Eeeteee.”
Huge smile as understanding dawns like the Midsummer sunrise over the stones on Salisbury Plain. “Yaytee!”
“Yes. 80.”
“Super?”
“NO, Special. Yaytee Special.”
“Open please.”

Now I am rather left wondering what it takes for a petrol pump attendant to understand an order for petrol. Let us assume that a working knowledge of Arabic, Hindi, English, Malayalam and Urdu is required. We need to learn:

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. 80. 90. 100. Full. Special. Super. Diesel. Change. Cash. Credit Card. Receipt. Clean window. Yes. No.

It’s not a hellish vocab to pick up, is it? Even a Nokia speech recognition system could probably do it, and could probably handle the words involved even if you had a heavy cold and had just yesterday been repeatedly punched hard on the nose by an irritated customer who had finally snapped and physically visited your call centre to let you know what he thought of your cheery ‘Anything else I can do for you today, sir?’

It’s not as if people frequently stop at the petrol pump and chat about movements in art or care to outline philosophical approaches to the socio-economic conundrums of the world today. Your average conversation consists of window down, ‘I want x amount of x petrol’.

In fact, this being true, you could pretty well anticipate what the chap in the car is saying, even if he’s green, has antennae and is driving a small spaceship. He’s saying [Amount] [Type of fuel] where [Amount] is one of ten numbers or the word ‘full’ 99.9999% of the time and where [Type of fuel] is one of three possible types.

Unless, of course, he’s saying ‘take me to your leader’, in which case pouring refined petroleum spirit into his Quantum Drive’s water tank may not be a smart move.

So where is the problem? I’m a regular, I always ask for the same thing and it is clearly differentiated in my language from any other reasonable thing that you could expect me to ask for in the circumstances. Leastways it is unless your petrol station forecourt supermarket is home to a world-class delicatessen that stocks weights of tea, Dee hams and special peas.

I have the sneaking suspicion that they all turn around and talk to each other about what a rum old customer I am in their impeccable, Etonian English the second I drive off, I really do...

A Bunch of Bankers

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

My bank has a new toy. It’s an automated calling system that puts a call in to me if one of our three joint accounts we hold becomes overdrawn. I get a call that then places me on hold until someone at the call centre becomes free and picks up the line.

So I, the ‘customer’, am made to hang around like a jerk on the end of a line until they can find the time to talk to me?

Is this what they call customer service?

And then I get dopey the call centre clot telling me that my account is Dhs50 overdrawn and asking when can I ‘normalise the situation’. Needless to say, I point out to the clot on the line, the other two accounts are significantly in funds, which you’d have seen if you cared enough about your ‘Status’ customers to give even a cursory glance at the account status before putting calls in to them on a Friday morning about insignificant overdrafts.

Taking that quick look at the account status before placing the call would have taken a great deal less of the bank’s time and effort than the FIVE calls I got from them on Friday regarding the same issue. It would also have avoided a lot of unpleasantness for their call centre staff. One of them, deliciously, called after I had authorised a transfer from another account to restore the balance of the account that was causing so much apparent heartache. ‘Oh, you see the system doesn’t update properly’ she told me just before I let her have it.

I did tell her it wasn’t personal and I didn’t see why she had to apologise to me – it was the bank’s issue and I wanted her to escalate my complaint. She hasn’t, of course, but I have.

The world’s local bank? HSBC? The biggest bunch of numpties I have ever dealt with, they continue to blight my life with every single contact I have with them. The only thing you can rely on is their constant failure to provide even the most basic level of service and banking facilities without embroiling their customer in needless heartache, anger and frustration.

Why don’t I move? Because last year I finally snapped and went to Lloyds only to find they couldn’t even open an account without screwing it up. As so many people have told me – they’re each one worse than the other.

No wonder the useless bastards all needed bailed out...

Kitchenomics

Social media punishes attempts at one-way communication precisely because it is social – an ongoing, online dialogue between people.

Put yourself in the kitchen at a party – everyone in there is chatting away and then you jump in shouting your head off about how wonderful you are. End result? If you escape being punched, you’re lucky. But people will be aggrieved at you for being so rude.

You’re generally welcome into the kitchen, but social behaviour dictates that you listen to the people around you, work out what’s being said and then make a contribution that will ensure you are accepted as a valid and welcomed member of the group. You can’t have a party yourself until you know enough people to invite, so there’s always an element of spending time in other people’s kitchens before you can be confident that you know enough people to invite over to your party.

If everyone in that kitchen knows who you are, for instance if it’s your kitchen, then you could well get away with crashing in – but you’ll fast get a reputation for being obnoxious and loud at parties and people may well start avoiding you. Even if you’re known, it’s safer to behave with respect and tact rather than going around shouting slogans at people.

If you insist it’s your kitchen and you have the right to lock everyone in and shout assertive brand-enhancing slogans at them, nobody will ever come to your party again. If you make playing party games conditional to being in the kitchen, people will avoid the kitchen and also your parties.

In fact, one of the most important things about good parties is that you give up your right to your kitchen entirely – strange people will stand around in it and have conversations that have nothing to do with you. And they will enjoy themselves and consequently be delighted when they're invited back.

The value to this is that, managed properly, you can also engage in that conversation and perhaps gently steer it around to a topic that’s more valuable to you – but it helps to have invited the right people to the party, and therefore into the kitchen, in the first place. And to treat them with respect and as peers.

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Rat On Board PIA Flight Causes Passenger Violence

Image via Wikipedia

It's not often I quote a news report totally verbatim but this, thanks to pal Angus, just begs to be digested in full and at leisure.

I particularly love the reaction of the passengers on the delayed Dubai flight.

I have edited not one word from the below. And they're not even taking the Mickey - here's the link so's you can confirm I'm on the straight and narrow!

Another rat found in plane

By: Amraiz Khan | Published: April 27, 2009 LAHORE - Yet another rat was spotted in a PIA aircraft prior its take-off from the Allama Iqbal International Airport on Sunday.

The flight PK-758, which was scheduled for Lahore-Karachi-London air-route, had come from London at the Lahore airport. Unlike the last incident wherein business class passengers of PK-258 saw a rat, this time, it was the pilot himself who spotted the dubious movements of the mouse.

This was the second mouse infested PIA flight. The pilot later refused to operate the aircraft any further till the removal of the rat, said sources in the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA).

The plane wherein the pilot found the mouse was scheduled to fly back to London as PK-787. But due to his refusal, the Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) management arranged another 777 aircraft to cover the same route. The 777 aircraft was originally supposed to operate as PK-203 for Dubai at 8:45 am, but in order to make it available for London the PIA management delayed the 777’s Dubai operation by 1:00 am, April 27.

The passengers of the Dubai flight started protesting when their flight was delayed. The CAA had to call police and ASF when the protesting pasesngers became violent.

As per details, the pilot of the flight PK-758 saw the rat on board and refused to operate it back as PK-787 Lahore-Karachi-London, saying that it could be hazardous for the flying.

As per sources in the PIA and CAA, the airport management tried to convince the pilot for further flight but he refused to do so, saying that the presence of the rat could cause an mishap.

However, after a short discourse the pilot became ready to take the flight as ferry flight (with no passengers and cabin crew) to Karachi.

*** OH NOES! IT GETS BETTER! ***

Thanks to eagle-eyed Twitterpal Kawthar, I can now share the FOLLOWUP story. Hang on there, readers, this is going to be a bumpy ride!

Another rat found in plane

By: Amraiz Khan | Published: April 27, 2009 The panic-stricken PIA Flight Control located at Karachi cancelled the Dubai-bound PK-203, to be operated by another Boeing 777 with 300 passengers, most of whom had checked-in or were in the process to do so. This caused a lot of anger amongst the passengers, some of them with visa restrictions to enter by 26 April, while most of them had prior business commitments in Dubai.

The police and ASF were called in to calm the agitators after they came to know that London bound passengers were given preference, when PIA decided to detail the Dubai bound aircraft for London flight, while delaying the Dubai flight till 1 am on 27 April, which will be operated by a Boeing 777 returning from New York as PK-712.

Meanwhile, the rat infested Boeing 777 was ferried by PIA to Karachi, without any passenger, since it was not cleared for normal operation by the CAA.

The PIA sources have disclosed that rats find their way into planes by means of cargo containers lying at cargo sheds. Other places for their entrance are the catering vans and Avio Bridges from where passengers embark.

When contacted the PIA spokesman said that no rat was witnessed in the plane but plane was operated as ferry flight to Karachi because of some technical reasons. But the Civil Aviation Vigilance section confirmed the presence of mouse in PK-758.

Another update, July 2009!!!

MORE rats found on PIA flights! And the cheeky buggers are trying to blame HEATHROW! Here's the link - and above is a nice history of rat infested flights that haven't been near good old LHR!

RTA Renews Licenses Online

Image via Wikipedia

"Hello, RTA."
"Hi. I need to renew my driving license. What documents will you require?"
"You can go to the nearest centre, yours is at Co-Op opposite Safa Park, Sir. You'll need the old license, a passport copy, Dhs 100 fees and an eye test. For the eye test, you need to visit an optician and you will require your passport and a photograph of yourself."
"And that's it?"
"Yes, sir!"

Wow!

How much has changed around here? When I originally got the license (way back when, you don't need to know, right?) it had taken a major internationally co-ordinated effort, the resources of three small Latin American countries and the best part of a whole morning hanging around in hopeless queues, processing paperwork and being videoed in large empty rooms filled with smiling policemen - and that was with the efforts of my powerful sponsor's mandoub.

So off I toddled. I got the eye test from a wiry thin Syrian optician whose hacking cough shook his gaunt frame every two seconds.

"Cover your eye. Read the letters."
"E O N F V W"
"Okay, now cover other eye. Read letters."
(puzzled) "Errm. E O N F V W"
Okay. You pass. Dhs 25.

I went upstairs to the RTA centre and proudly handed over my old license, my passport copy, my eye test (with stamped photo stapled to it to prove I wasn't using Gary Gilmore's eyes) and my Dhs 100.

The nice girl tapped on a keyboard and then smiled pityingly at me.

"You must pay twifty-ten Dirhams."
"Whaaat?"
"Yes," she smiled beatifically. "Your traffic fines. Of course you must pay these."

Of course. All the documents I'd need except one omitted vital element. Luckily, the Co-Op is festooned in ATM's, so one cash scoop and about ten minutes later, I was photographed and in possession of my new license - but short twifty-ten Dirhams.

Now Gulf News tells us that the RTA is to introduce an online renewal service. All you have to do is get the eye-test and apply online by attaching a photo and the fee. The optician can send your eye test direct to the RTA, apparently. And your license gets posted to you in four days.

How will they match the applications with the eye tests without losing them or breaking them? How will they handle the payment of fines given they have no e-payment portal worth a hoot? How will they handle licenses 'lost in the post'? We have yet to find out.

But to be honest, given that the Salik portal still couldn't process online payments by Visa last time I tried (and screwed up the time before that), I'd actually rather go the Co-Op route and get a license in my hands in ten minutes more than it takes to go anyway for the eye test - and get a lovely smile into the bargain.

Funny, isn't it, that the 'old fashioned' physical process is not only safer and more reliable than the online one but also faster. Rather turns one's preconceptions about the transactional Internet on their head...

Have the Brits Betrayed the Gurkhas?

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

A small treasure in my insanely extensive book collection is a thin volume called ‘Clangers’, a collection of Second World War anecdotes about cock-ups, misunderstandings and SNAFUs in the British forces.

One of the stories in the book relates to the Gurkhas, the fierce, tough kukri-wielding soldiers from the Himalayas that have long been valued by the British Army for their remarkable tenacity, courage and loyalty.

They are, incidentally, to be found in Oman among other places, where they have had a long history of service.

Their officer announced to the men on parade that there was to be a difficult and dangerous mission behind enemy lines. So much so, that it had been decided to ask for volunteers. They were to be flown in Lancaster bombers and dropped from a height of tens of thousands of feet far behind the front line – and would have to fight their way back.

When he finished, he asked any man who wished to volunteer to take one step forwards. Not one man moved – a massive shock to the officer. Then the light dawned and he announced that parachutes would be provided – the entire regiment took one step forwards to a man.

Apocryphal or not, it’s a story that epitomises the bravery of the Gurkhas and the respect in which they are held. Even to enter the regiment requires an amazing degree of toughness – recruits are required to run uphill for 40 minutes carrying over 30Kg of rocks in a rucksack.

But the 200-years of service and bravery the Gurkhas have given Britain are not, apparently, valued by the British government, which is refusing to grant the right to settle in the UK to Gurkha soldiers. Despite a court ruling last September that specifically gave the Gurkhas that right, the government continues to evade its responsibilities – including a new document that limits the right of settlement to those who have served over 20 years in the regiment. Only officers, therefore, would qualify – a rifleman is not permitted to serve more than 15 years.

More here, including a petition that you can sign up to (your voice apparently doesn’t quite count for as much if you’re non-resident, but don’t let that stop you!). Do feel free to lend your voice to the many appalled citizens of the UK who do not associate themselves with the government’s craven and indefensible filibustering, prevarication and duplicity in dealing with people that have given the country such service.