UAE Sets Up Cyber Crimes Unit. Uh Oh.

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The UAE government is to set up a new department to combat cyber crimes such as financial scams, hacking, fraud, fake companies , extortion and pornography, according to today's sizzling Gulf News.

This is a good thing. The new department will be recognised by the Federal Courts and likely will be set up in Sharjah and, says GN, will be charged with drafting laws and regulations for the online world, as well as with the job of co-ordinating with law enforcement bodies. This is also, potentially, a good thing. The UAE's judiciary does not the benefit of a legal framework that recognises the online world and currently could fairly be said to rely heavily on court appointed experts when it comes to cases that have online aspects to them.

Quoted in a call-out box in GN's story that discusses 'e-police patrols', however, a major in the Abu Dhabi police says, "When there is a malicious rumour doing its rounds, or when there is a major security issue, the police can perform undercover operations online, just as in reality."

Now, when there is a 'malicious rumour' in print, its a matter for the National Media Council to regulate and is governed by media law - as far as I know, the police aren't patrolling Gulf News.

Can we consider a 'malicious rumour' online to be a different kettle of fish , then? There's certainly a grey area here - is online commentary to be regulated as media or public order?

Abuser Generated Content

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I have been following this story on Australian marketing uber-blog Mumbrella and watching it develop for some time. It has been a not unamusing saga based around a not unamusing car: the Toyota Yaris.

Basically, Toyota Australia ran a pitch for agencies to come forward with a smart social media campaign to promote the awful car. Each agency was given $15,000 to pitch with. The whole pitching exercise was something of a 'look how cool we are we get social media' exercise in itself and was much followed by a slightly aghast ad/media industry. The winners of the pitch, Saatchi and Saatchi, came up with the idea of running a 'clever video competition', donating $7,000 of its pitch money to the winning clever film, $3,000 to the second and $1,000 to the third place. Nice to see Saatchi billing $4,000 for a whole campaign, no?

And that would have been that - a typical story of client that doesn't really understand that the world is changing working together with an agency that still believes that social media is another type of megaphone to carry a one-way message - but for the film that won the competition. A competition, incidentally, that was not judged by the public (SOCIAL media, geddit?) but by a jury consisting of as yet unidentified jurors, according to Mumbrella.


The winner, 'Clean Getaways' turns out to be a clip of notably egregious sexism that even stands out in an Australian (here's ya birthday present, Sheila) environment. The gag 'she can take a good pounding' is just one high point in a film that sees a father discussing his daughter with her boyfriend in a slew of doobel orntondre references. User comment has been fast to tumble forth, including accusations that it is offensive and degrading to women and is 'vulgar objectification'. You can find an excellent writeup of the whole thing on Mumbrella, linked above. The video has now, sadly, been removed from YouTube. Because the thing to do when social media backfires is, of course, delete it all and pretend it didn't happen...

Toyota's reaction to this furore? The company's laughingly named 'manager of direct marketing and social media' told Mumbrella that he didn't see it was an issue as this was not an advertisement but was user generated content. So the users did it, see?

It is my humble opinion that the gatekeepers in the game prove that Saatchi and Toyota didn't 'get it', by the way. Jury bad, public opinion good. The trouble is that when you pick something 'social' in private, you then have to share your 'pick' in public. It would have been so much smarter to have user generated selection involved in this competition to find user generated content. But then it would have been smarter to look at social media as an ongoing investment in a process of change rather than as a tactic.

It is broadly accepted that Toyota has, as one commentator noted wittily, shot itself in the face.

GeekTalks

Last GeekFest saw the introduction of GeekTalks, 15 minute chats held in The Shelter's cool li'l private cinema from people with something sensible, interesting and certainly not commercial to say. We're hoping to carry on that tradition with four more GeekTalks taking place this GeekFest at The Shelter, Al Quoz on Thursday 17th December. People will start pitching at GeekFest from about 7pm onwards, the talks start at 8pm and space in the cinema is limited.

This time around, we're to be hearing about the future for mosques, University publishing and social networks, the new Brownbag.ae and personal learning environments.

The speakers aren't set by us - the idea is that each speaker nominates his or her successor. This means we're not 'gatekeepers' and also, we hope, introduces some interesting diversity.

Thanks to some user feedback from people who got cold bottoms last time, we're adding some beanbags for when the seating runs out.


Omran Al Owais
Prayer Mat: Prototype Zabeel Park Mosque

In this presentation, I will be highlighting on how we can evolve a mosque design and avoid the typical Jumeirah style dome and useless old dated ornamentation. I want to bring Dubai and UAE culture into creating a newer style that we can spread to the world and stop importing Marrakesh architecture. Also, in this design, it will be fused with a built in museum, which displays the history of the prayer mat.

Emirati architect and designer Omran Al Owais is the Creative Director/founder of CENTIMETERCUBE architects/publishing and is a passionate Mac advocate. He’s our nomination as a GeekTalker on Catalin Marin’s behalf.


Jack Frizzell
Creating an Online Newspaper and Social Network

Inside ZU is currently an online communication platform - WordPress Multiuser - which we are using to move from email notification to two-way communication. It encourages open communication and community. The next stages will move us into online collaboration, citizen journalism and content creation and publication through the use of BuddyPress and other free technologies. Inside ZU is currently only for all students, all faculty and all staff at Zayed University.

Zayed University, until recently, was a University exclusively for Emirati women. During the past 5 years, the University has opened its doors to male military personnel, and now male and female international students while expanding its post-graduate programs. The issues of a multi-site educational institution, religion, gender, age, technology adoption and educational background and the required social and technological support and strategy required to succeed are the focus of the talk.

Jack Frizzell hails from Zayed University where he edits Inside ZU and lurks in the Provost’s office. He is James Piecowye’s nomination as a GeekTalker.


Ahmed Shabib
Making a better brown bag

Brownbag.ae was launched as an online retail platform that let people browse and buy a wide range of commodities such as groceries, movies, food and drink, magazines and books. Next year, Brownbag will be relaunching with new partners and products and delivery of any product ordered from the site to anywhere in Dubai City within an hour – at any hour. Ahmed Shabib will be exploring challenges of online retailing in the Middle East as well as looking for feedback on the new platform.

Ahmed Shabib is CEO of Brownbag and one of the chaps behind The Shelter. He’s speaking because Tom Gara didn’t nominate a speaker so The Shelter did! :)


Dan Stuart
Creating a Personal Learning Environment

If you're a geek, then you're online, and if you're online then you’re most definitely doing some or all of networking, sharing, commenting, reading feeds, self-casting, clipping, commenting, absorbing...and suffering under the noise. Social Media and Web 2.0 are great social venues, but also amazing tools for personal learning. If you’re already active online, with a bit of thinking, arranging and customizing you can shape your online pipes into a Personal Learning Environment (PLE). PLE’s are not single apps, but a self-defined, self-moderated set of online tools – the ones you already know and love – with the control to select, combine and use the tools as you see fit to shape your own learning experiences. The goal is use this PLE to gather and process info, and act on your learning.

Blogger and serial online adventurer Dan Stuart works at Bayt.com. He’s Narain Jashanmal’s nomination as a GeekTalker.

If you want to know more about GeekFest, you'll find the info here or you can follow @geekfestdubai on Twittter.

I'm Dreaming of a White GeekFest!

Well, it's that time again. GeekFest 3.0 is around the corner and we're looking forward to another evening of sublime Geekery at The Shelter in Al Quoz. GeekFest 3.0 is to take place from around 7pm on the evening of the 17th December 2009 and you are more than welcome to join us there!

GeekFest is intended to be an offline social for online people and should be interesting for anyone who's involved in the online world and in using technology to create, educate, entertain, inform or just play around.

The event remains resolutely UNorganised and so nobody gets told what to do, where to go or anything like that. The speakers at the GeekTalks are responsible for starting and ending on time, the TechnoCase people have signed clauses that they won't hassle the geeks so there's no overtly commercial stuff going on, although there is always the invitation to have a chat. Various things have fallen together and we're hoping to have a couple of minor surprises on the night, but it's not like we've done anything clever.

Why bother coming at all? It's a good question, especially as it looks like GeekFest will fall in the middle of a holiday. I can only say that I have been amazed at how many interesting, engaging and smart people I have encountered at the last two GeekFests and can only expect this one to be the same. Oh, and the garden's open at The Shelter so it's a much nicer place to hang out for those of you with vile, disgusting personal habits. Smokers are welcome to use it, too.

GeekTalks
The speakers from the last GeekFest were asked to nominate their successors so that Saadia and I aren't 'gatekeepers'. Two of 'em didn't so we found our own. We have four GeekTalks scheduled to run from 8pm-9pm or so and these will take place, as they did last time, in the funky cinema roomy thing at the back of The Shelter. More details will be shared soon as we're being teases.

The GeekTalks were incredibly popular last time and it pretty quickly got to standing room outside the door poking your head between other people's shoulders only, so if I were you, I'd get a towel laid out on a seat in there early.

TechnoCases
This time around, the Technology Showcases will feature super chip chappies AMD (who will, I think, be playing with some funky video card stuff. If it's the one I saw at GITEX, it'll fill gamers' hearts with stuff) and also consumer electronics supremos LG.

Food and stuff
As usual, food and drink supplied by The Shelter's very own mOre Café will be available and in true Chris Anderson spirit, will be free because we've gouged the TechnoCase people.

Location
The Shelter is in Dubai's Al Qouz industrial area. Here's a map!

Registration
Are you kidding? Just turn up...

If you want to get updates and stuff, you can follow @GeekFestDubai on Twitter and there's a GeekFest FaceBook group too, for no particularly good reason. You can also email either myself or Saadia Zahid at the addresses given on the GeekFest Twitter page if you've got any questions, want to hold a TechnoCase at the next GeekFest (looking like Feb 2010) or just want to blame us for something.

Gulf News' Greenwash

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Today's Gulf News, weighing in at a record low 400g incidentally, carries remarkable exercise in hypocrisy.

The newspaper's front page is a clarion call and exhortation to us all to save our planet. This comes from a consortium of 56 newspapers in 45 countries, all of whom have made the same mistake of assuming that we are paying them to nag us rather than provide us with the news, analysis and context that we are told we can expect from our newspapers.

Rather than run this extraordinary editorial on a wrap-around (for instance, seeking sponsorship to offset the additional cost), Gulf News has instead decided to sacrifice the front page entirely, leaving us with today's lead story being the page 3 report on the UAE's prevalence of childhood tooth decay.

Perhaps I am being far too critical and grumpy, but the exhortation to save the planet sat oddly with me, coming as it does from a medium comprised of dead trees. In fact, even today's slimmed down Gulf News consumed something like 46,000 kilos of paper if we are to apply the paper's 2008 BPA audited circulation of 115,000 copies. That's knocking on 17 thousand tonnes of paper per year - and at GN's 2008 weight of 1.2 kilos, we'd have been looking at a whopping 50 tonnes of paper, not including all those fascinating supplements on air conditioning, Malta and Peridontal Marmoset Splicing that brighten up GN's readers' lives.

If all of the newspapers in the global 'we're running an editorial that calls on our leaders to be more green' group have the same pagination and run as GN (and many, incidentally, have a significantly higher pagination and run), their daily collective impact on the planet is the consumption of over two million kilos of paper - a commodity that is made out of dead trees.

If Gulf News had offset its carbon, I'd be more willing to bear with the self-righteous finger-wagging. If it had made any contribution whatsoever to research or 'green' charities , I'd be inclined to admiration (and no, I don't consider a one-off stunt of circulating printed jute bags to subscribers as being significant or even terribly helpful). If it had made a commitment to recycled paper, soy-based inks or other 'green' technologies, I'd be more willing to listen - although I have to note the editorial actually contains very little original or even interesting content that advances the debate it professes to contribute to.

But no, none of the above apply. Gulf News has instead contented itself with taking away a lump of the news that I have paid for and substituting it with a rambling piece of poorly hashed together pompousness that truly beggars belief.

Printed. On. Dead. Trees.

Internet Worse Than Smack Shock Horror

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I know, I know. Barely a post in two weeks and now here I am flooding the damn blog. But Gulf News today contains so much joy that I feel I have to share...

A story on Internet addiction graces The Newspaper That Tells It Like It Is today. 'Forget H1N1, it's all about the smartphone virus sweeping across universities these days' squawks GN in an article that reveals many shocking truths about today's young people, including the fact that they are looking up questions in class using their BlackBerries. Good God! What is the world coming to? What we need around here is a good dose of National Service, I'm telling you!

The piece (linked begrudgingly here) contains a neat questionnaire designed to test whether or not you are addicted to technology. It contains telling, brilliant questions specifically crafted to test your levels of addiction to technology such as, "Do you stay online longer than originally intended?".

I propose an alternative test. Read these questions to your children and loved ones and mark down their reactions. Do look for signs of lying, such as shifty eyes, rubbing noses, being foreign and masturbation.

If you answer 'Poonloop' to more than three of these questions, you may need help. Do feel free to consult Dr Kimberly Young, whose questionnaire in Gulf News inspired this infinitely more useful and sensible list of questions.

1) Do you want to grind broken glass into your eyeballs if you are kept away from Twitter for more than 24 hours?

2) Do you use the Internet rather than traditional media for the following purposes:

• To wrap your chips in.
• To pack breakable items when moving house
• To clean glass.

3) Do you believe anything you read on the Internet which is not substantiated by Gulf News?

4) Do you send and receive e-mail regularly? Do you feel inadequate if other people get more 'spam' than you do? Have you ever replied to a Nigerian's business proposal?

5) Do you think that 'spam' is a) An unsolicited email b) A type of processed meat?

6) If you cannot for some reason access the Internet, do you lollop around drooling and screaming out random swearwords at scared passers-by?

7) Have you ever talked to a girl on the Internet? Did it make you feel good or give you a feeling of momentary satisfaction followed by unbearable, suicidal guilt?

8) Have you ever lied to anyone about how old you are over the Internet?

9) Do you think putting 'tw' in front of words is funny?

10) Have you ever destroyed someone's life using the Internet in a cold-hearted crime of premeditated identity theft?

Exaggeration

Image via Wikipedia

A skim through today's Gulf News is a most rewarding experience.

Dubai World's Debt is manageable, according to many experts who all go to great lengths to point out, in a story that manages to be almost impenetrably oblique, that the whole sum involved is a drop in the international financial ocean. Now I had always thought we were talking about a six month delay in repaying a $3.52 billion sukuk but according to Gulf News today the total amount of debt that Dubai World is in talks to restructure, and that we shouldn't be worrying about, is $26 billion.

The talks haven't actually started yet, according to GN, but are awaiting the nomination of a negotiator by Dubai World's creditors.

Meanwhile, the newspaper carries an op-ed by a Dr. Ahmed Mustafa that claims Dubai is being victimised by a 'frenzied' and 'irresponsible' media keen to overplay the situation. "Global reaction to DW saying it needs time to restructure and asking for six more months to repay $3.5 billion in credit was a bit exaggerated." says the good Doktor. See, he thought we were just talking about $3.5 billion, too.

If we're actually talking about $26 billion, it does rather leave you wondering what they're supposed to have been exaggerating...

Independence Day

Image by KhanCan via Flickr

Watching the slow procession of cars honking their way down the Ajman/Sharjah corniche last night was a real treat. We live virtually on the beach and so it was almost as if the parade was put on for our benefit. There were the usual suspects: the guy who'd covered the car in stickers, the balloon lovers and the cars draped in the green, red, white and black UAE flag, strips of flag-coloured cloth hanging from windows, handles and doors. Then there were the loonies, the guy who'd painted his white car with green, red and black patterns and the guys who'd paid for total wrap-around jobs, windows showing the leaders of the UAE or Sheikhs Zayed, Khalifa, Rashid and Mohammed.

Horns tooting, waving crowds of them all driving up and down the corniche for the evening, a blissed-out bunch of happy people celebrating. Earlier in the day, we'd seen an Emirati woman wearing a flag as a sheila which was a first for me.

Given the week's vicissitudes, it was all nice to see.

Ve Middul Eeste Pee Aar Awordes

Beavis and Butt-Head via last.fm

There's something slightly worrying about a room filled with over 500 PRs. It's a happy zone, tides of positivity washing against the walls.

The 'practitioners' are all chatting away happily, a tumultuous babble, but I'm sitting at a table of journalists, the usual criminals of the Middle East's marketing media waiting for someone to fall so they can eviscerate them, their jaws slavering at the very thought and evil grins stretched across their drink-sodden faces.

The MC is shouty, trying to get people to stop talking. You'd have thought that 500 people talking together and sharing experience, best practice and all that was what MEPRA was all about, but apparently not. She's screaming STOP TALKING YA YA YA at us and slowly people get the message.

We're good at crafting and communicating messages, but getting them is not quite our forté, apparently. Ya ya ya.

American people shouting at me reminded me, for some reason, of watching the news on CNN...

The MC and various types gathered on the stage to pass over awards to a bunch of PRs. Some bloke from HSBC made some lacklustre (well, he'd hardly sparkle, would he?) jokes about the collective noun for PR people - a flock of flaks, apparently.

Any contributions in the comments about the collective noun for HSBC employees would be appreciated. I though perhaps a dribble of d... well, never mind. Yayaya.

By now, the press are restive. The jerks of drumroll tape that occasionally peppered events was starting to get its reward, bursts of malign laughter from the hock of hacks around me. I've heard that type of laughter before, at a performance of Othello at The National - Felicity ("Felicity, Felicity, you fill me with electricity", according to Ade Edmonson at his loquacious finest) Kendal as Desdemona bursting satisfactorily out of a Nell Gwynne dress while Paul Scofield hammed it up so badly that Othello's soliloqy to his dead lover drew gales of the stuff from the audience.

This was nasty laughter, the laughter of the cut-purse about to make his move as he stalks the dark, wet streets of Elizabethan London.

The worst of them is Allison, his faux-genteel Edinburgh accent masking his guttersnipe urges, egged on by AdNation's vile Elliot ('the Bear') Beer, the two of them cackling like Beavis and Butthead as they scan the audience of hapless wannabe winners for victims. And then Allison's off, leaving his voice recorder on the table behind him so that it can pick up any snippets of gossip about him while he's absent. He's ducking and diving in the crowd, picking up quotes and snippets of snark, digging for dirt like a pig rooting out Perigord truffles, while the MC says 'ya ya ya' for the umpteenth time. I think she believes it makes her sound Arab, but it comes across as somehow more Maureen Lipman.

It's all too much. I clap maniacally for Peyman Parham as he picks up the final gong, 'Communicator of the Year', with a genuine feeling of enormous relief - Sarah would have spent the next 365 days referring to me as 'Gob of the Year' and thanks to Peyman I have bilked that dire fate. Now we could go drinking, but instead we spend hours wandering around the labrynthine Habtoor Grand Hotel in search of a bar that would accept men dressed in kandouras. What a joke - teetotal hosts that aren't allowed to join their friends in a bar. Eventually, exhausted by wandering aimlessley down the charmless marble corridors, we find a smoky joint that's a ten second walk from the place we were thrown out of. It turns out that the toilets are actually over in the forbidden bar.

Which is, I'm sure a metaphor for something.

As we celebrate Peyman's win, I'm filled with a strange sense of unease. And then I realise it's because the press aren't with us. That's a bad thing - it means they're holed up in some dark, foreboding garret 'writing up' the evening.

I fear the worst...

Writing

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I'm going to start blogging more about writing. I'm sorry about that for some of you, to whom it will possibly be irrelevant bibble, but I guess this blog was always about what interested and amused me and I've actually been missing out on quite a large chunk of what I'm made up of by not doing more about the old nasty book habit.

The hardest thing I find about writing fiction is not the plotlines or characterisation or any of the other technical gumpf that goes into it. And it's not the 100,000 words or so that some people seem to find a challenge. I always reckon if you're counting words, you're missing the point, like the many people I see talking about NaNoWriMo* getting all breathless with comments like "Up to 12,000 words now! If only I could crack off another 2,000 today!"

Believe me, I know how easy it is to churn out words and then find that all you've done is filled pages with words. Filling pages with words is a doddle. The trick is which words.

The hardest thing for me about writing books is getting my head back into reality. There I am in a South London cemetery, the smell of wet leaf-mould in my nostrils and the wet grass soaking the legs of my trousers and someone pops up and wants to talk about the price of cabbages or the weather. Or I'm in a dingy hotel room with a prostitute and someone is beeping me to move over for them.

It's not just a problem that happens when 're typing, either, the whole barrier that separates fantasy and reality gets thinner as you spend more and more of your waking time living the odd lives of your characters, poring over their situations and experiencing the smells, sights and sounds that surround them.

I suppose you'd have to own to the possibility that you might not come back one day. But being dragged back to reality when you're writing, even in your head, is always like being woken in the middle of great dream.

And by the way, no, truth is stranger than fiction... It's always a bump to come back.


* November is Novel Writing Month. The idea is to write a book, if you were ever going to do it, now being the time to do it. I recommend writing books as a leisure activity. It improves the digestion.