A Shiny Car No More

"Oh hello, it's you. My secretary said it was a Mr Brown."
"I gave her a false name. You were busy for three days solid when I was using my real name."
"She said you wanted to buy a Shiny. But you've already got a Shiny."
"Like I said. You wouldn't see me."
"So you're not buying a Shiny."
"No."
"You're just coming to complain about your old Shiny, aren't you?"
"On the nail, I must say."
"Right. Out with it then."
"You've arrested my gardener for washing my car."
"I should hope so, too. If he was washing cars, he should be an accredited car washer."
"Well, he's not. He's a gardener. But he washes cars on the side. It's been a perfectly satisfactory arrangement for years now and I don't see why a real estate developer is able to dictate who does and does not wash my car."
"We've only got your best interests at heart, you know. This sort of criminality usually starts small, but there's no knowing where it'll end up. Nip it in the bud, we say. Gardeners garden, car washers car wash."
"But there are no car washers. I'd have to take it to a petrol station and pay Dhs30 to get it washed. The gardener washes it every day for a hundred dirhams a month. Why are you even getting involved in the who or how of washing my car?"
"We're the developer. We're responsible for contractors and services."
"But you're just restricting us all the time. You said we could dare to dream and live to love with an executive lifestyle in the heart of the new economic miracle! You said it was about the freedom to live a life of dreams. But I can only have my shiny painted Dubai beige, I can't have my own satellite dish, I have to use your telecom provider, your gardeners, your contractors and your maintenance company. Where are the freedoms? I can't even get my car washed the way I want."
"I'm sorry, but the law's the law. He's an illegal car washer moonlighting out of company hours and we won't have it. You're lucky we don't fine you for employing illegal labour."
"I suppose you'll be telling me I can't plant this tree in my garden next."
"What tree?"
"The new palm tree my gardener's planted."
"Oh, that'll have to come out. He's not an approved gardening contractor."
"HE'S MY GARDENER!"
"I thought you said he was washing your car?"
"He was."
"Well, he'd be a car washer, then. Right lads, come on, back it up. We'll have this thing uprooted in no time! You'd better pop indoors and have a nice cup of tea and calm down. Meanwhile, we'll have your grassy patch back to the approved uniform green sward in no time."

(Blame this story here)

Shiny New Access Control System at International City

(Photo credit: Donna Cymek)

"I can't get to my Shiny. The door's locked."
"Really? Try using a key."
"What are you doing with that magnifying glass?"
"Inspecting you. Right, thanks for dropping by for this little chat. Always lovely to see you."
"No, hang on. I'm not talking about the key to my own door. The door to the whole building is locked."
"Yes, that's right. It's to stop overcrowding and illegal subletting. Only one person per 200 square feet will be allowed to occupy any apartment or villa."
"But this is my freehold property. If I want to share it, that's entirely up to me."
"Not according to the accepted practice of nmkl pjkl ftmch. That's what we're applying here."
"Hang on. When you sold me this Shiny it was freehold and then you said it was usufruct and now it's nmkl pjkl ftmch. What does that mean?"
"It means we have the right to inspect you, to use CCTV cameras to monitor you and an access control system to stop people coming to your apartment. And to fine you if you or your tenants don't comply with our regulations what we make up every now and then."
"Why don't I go and live in a concentration camp?"
"We just branded it differently. We hope you're daring to dream and loving life itself."
"So where's my access card then?"
"You can't have one until you've been properly inspected."
"Well you just said you were inspecting me."
"And so I have. Here's your satisfactory inspection form. Now remember, inspections are daily and you'll be fined Dhs108 per square metre if you decide to let the property and your tenants overcrowd it."
"You mean I'm responsible for policing my tenants' adherence to your arbitrary regulations if I rent my 'freehold' flat out?"
"Of course. That's only fair, isn't it?"
"So where's my access card?"
"You have to apply for it. Right. Super to see you again, do give my regards to everyone."
"Where? Where do I apply for it? What do I need to apply? How long's the queue going to be? What's it going to cost? Where do I collect it? How long does it last for? What about visitors who want to come for tea and cakes? How do I apply for an access card if I want to let my apartment to a tenant?"
"Lalalalalalalalalalalala. Gone yet? Lalalalalalalalalala."

* International City is installing an access control system.

Overhead At The Radio Station

Big Shiny Tunes 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

"Hello, didn't expect to see you here!"
"Well, you know, like to pop in and say hi now and then. How's tricks?"
"Fine, thanks, bumping along quite nicely, actually."
"How's the Shiny?"
"Oh, you know, can't really complain. Because every time I do your secretary drops the line."
"Oh, gosh. Sorry to hear that. I'll have a word with her. Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about Shinies."
"Oh, right?"
"No. I came to talk to you about Ferris wheels."
"Ferris wheels? You mean like big wheels? The London Eye and all that? Why are you wincing?"
"If we could avoid talking about The Competition, that'd be great."
"Competition? For what?"
"The Dubai Eye of course. The world's largest Ferris wheel. It's going ahead. 210 metres of rotating circular wonderfulness with a ginormous LCD screen displaying premium advertising. It's a beezer scheme. We reckon it's worth a good three million tourists a year. What a marvel, eh?"
"Well, yes, I suppose so."
"Only there's a problem."
"Really? I'm not sure how I can help with that sort of thing. I do radio, not Ferris wheels."
"Well, that's the point, actually. It's your radio station. We can't have two Dubai Eyes, you see? And I'm afraid 103.8 is going to have to, well, you know, rebrand."
"Rebrand? But we're Dubai Eye Radio! The UAE's first and only talk radio station! We're news! Talk! Sport! We've been called Dubai Eye for simply ages! We were here first!"
"Yes, yes, all very interesting. But we've called the big wheel Dubai Eye and you're going to have to change. You can't have two Dubai Eyes when people Google us, let alone look us up on Google maps. We want 'em to be offshore from JBR, not hooning around out by Arabian Ranches."
"Call it something else. Weren't you going to call it the Great Dubai Wheel? Call it that again!"
"Look, that's a project that got cancelled. We don't go raking up Projects That Got Cancelled, right? It might remind people of the Shinies that didn't get finished. You're just going to have change your radio station's name and that's that. In fact, we want to help, so we've picked a name for you. You don't have to thank me, it's all part of the service. They're putting up the new signs outside now, actually."
"This is all rather out of the blue, I must say. Change our name to what?"
"Dubai Ear."
"Are you mad? Dubai Ear? That's the worst thing I've heard since the last ad break!"
"Well you are a radio station. Never quite saw eye to eye with the whole Dubai Eye thing myself. Dubai Ear is much more appropriate for a radio station. The listeners will be all ears! Hahaha! Geddit? "
"What if we hate the idea?"
"Oh come, come. Here are your new business cards. You'll get used to it. We've had a production company in London do you all new sweepers and stuff. 'Dubai Ear. You'll love what you hear!' Great isn't it?"
"You're barmy, you are. Completely barmy."
"Calm down, now. You'd hate to find your Shiny's been painted pink again because of a new Mandatory Pinking Order. Have a nice day. And give my best to the team at Dubai Ear, will you?"

(Part of an occasional series of Shiny dialogues. What's a Shiny? You'll have to read these to find out! :)

The Great Meltdown

I'm not sure what it is with me and technology right now, but following on from the recent Great HTC Self Destruct, my PC has now decided to pine for the fjords.

It all started yesterday with some strange behaviour over a hotel's WiFi network. Whether it was triggered by malicious software, a failed AVG update install or the Will Of The Gods will forever be a mystery, but the machine descended with great rapidity into a constant cycle of great meltdowns, gibbbering fits of tearing around the room pulling its hair out and screaming obscenities followed by curling up in the corner and wailing silently to the heavens before lapsing into long periods of insensibility. It is not, to boil the situation down to its essence, well.

I have long been a fan of IBM laptops, a product choice originally made because of the inevitable sound of indrawn breath through teeth that would accompany every presentation at my lovely client's premises. It got wearing eventually and I succumbed to the black keyboard with the little red button. The move was propitious - these babies are reliable, take a pounding without complaint and just, well, deliver. I have no reason to think that Lenovo has let quality go, but there's little doubt that my current machine, a T61, has for some time been End Of Life. Its hard disk is almost full, the keyboard's worn shiny and MacBook Air users titter when I pull the great slablike wodge of scratched matte black plastic with shiny edges from my enormous laptop bag.

It's a bit like breaking up with a girl you've come to dislike but can't quite muster the energy to go through with the scene. It's a huge relief when she takes the plunge before you. So it is with my PC - it actually feels good to be letting go. The pain has been considerably lessened by the agency's move to Google mail and Docs, although I hadn't quite managed to wean myself away from Office. Now I'm going to see how far I get using the iPad, although I know it's not going to deal with the heavy lifting terribly well - and especially not the video editing or book stuff.

The PC, in the meantime, is sitting curled up in the bathroom, occasionally spitting at passers-by but mostly just staring at the tiles with a lunatic fixaty. I've got the data off it, so I don't care any more.

Anyway, it never really understood me...

Back In Station

Disney (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It's like a tetanus jab - every time you do it again, it feels worse. It's a sort of disorientation, a mixture of homecoming and going away, of relief at familiarity jumbled together with doubt and loss. What the hell are we doing here (the question we asked each other across a green table cloth in the President Hotel one night some nineteen years ago) and it's good to be back fighting each other against the background of flight-weariness and the strange unreality of leave fading away.

It's hard to talk about being back to reality when you live in Disneyland, but leave is hardly time in the real world. You've got money and time on your hands, everyone's pleased to see you (they haven't seen you for months, so they're naturally excited. If they saw your ugly mug every other weekend it'd be a different story, wouldn't it?) and you can pretty much suit yourself. The long-distant memory of the grey daily grind of life in the UK is forgotten as you have your 'Cider with Rosie' time off. That feeling of homesickness you get landing back in the Emirates is actually a hankering for a distorted vision of home that's even more unreal than Lalaland, The Home Of The Shiny.

We actually went to the real Disneyland, part of a glorious week in Paris and a chance for little niece Ellen to meet Mickey Mouse, which was a moment of pure magic for a wee girl. I didn't tell her his head comes off, she's too young and there's plenty of time for that yet. I can only marvel at the genius of an organisation that can make you queue for forty five minutes to meet a dancer in a mouse suit then gouge you twenty Euro for a photo of the meeting on the way out. Genius of a truly evil order.

We also spent a brilliant (if heart-rendingly expensive) week in Sweden, which is too long a story to tell. If you ever find yourself in Stockholm, stay at The Grand and eat at Fem Sma Hus in Gamla Stan. Don't ask questions, just do it.

They've opened a Carrefour around the corner. It's hot. I've got the manuscript of Beirut - An Explosive Thriller back from Robb The Editor and there's a load of work to be done before it's ready for publication.

I've got a paw on the hamster wheel and a gentle shove confirms that familiar old squeak is still there. Time to hop on again...

Shiny Happy ID Card

Day 70 - Marmoset (Photo credit: zzathras777)

"Hi. I'm here to apply for my Shiny ID card."
"Have you filled in the form using the online application application?"
"No."
"Well, you have to do that."
"Can I just not apply here?"
"Yes. As of yesterday you can apply here, but not tomorrow."
"So why did you tell me I had to do an online application application?"
"The requirement for an online application application applies to online applications."
"So what do I do?"
"Join that long, shuffling queue of listless people there."
"The one headed for the door marked "Nowhere"?
"That's the one. Do you have three photographs of yourself countersigned by a marmoset?"
"No. I was hoping you'd tell me what I'd need as the website is very confusing and changes every day."
"You'll need those pretty sharpish, there's a deadline you know."
"What is it?"
"Yesterday."
"But there's no point in me applying then!"
"Yes there is, you'll incur fines of Dhs25 a day to a maximum of Dhs1,000. That'll be Dhs25 please."
"What for?"
"Your first day's fines."


"Okay, here we are. Three photographs countersigned by a marmoset."
"Don't be silly, marmosets can't write. We changed that requirement oh, at least an hour ago."
"Just take them. What else do you need?"
"Your passport, passport copy, visa, visa copy and the online application printed out. Two copies of a copy of your copy copy and three pinches of peppermint snuff."
"There we go!"
"Right. Join that queue then. You've got plenty of time."
"I thought there was a deadline?"
"It got extended again."
"So what happens now?"
"Join the queue. At the end of the queue is a man who'll send you to another queue."
"Can't I just join the other queue straight away?"
"No. There's a system."


"Okay, I've queued for hours, punched and stamped my papers, I've been bioscanned and now I've finally got the card. What can I use it for?"
*blank look*

Amazing backstory linked here.

Poo Smells Shock Horror

English: The Sewage treatment plant next to International City (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Blog posts are like taxis, I find. You sit around for ages waiting in the wilderness and then fifteen come all at once.

Among the many sources of amused inspiration today come two very different stories inspired by Dubai property developer Nakheel. The company is, by no means for the first time, embroiled in negative coverage of its iconic Palm devlopment, where tenants are yet again having facilities withdrawn from them by the developer because the owners of the properties haven't paid service fees.

I did a 'shiny' post about this one before, but it seems insane to me that tenants should bear the brunt of the developer's ire when they are clearly not to blame and in no position to influence owners. The police came along and told the developer's people not to be silly and so calm was, at least, temporarily restored.

The kicker for me was Gulf News' story about residents of International City (another Nakheel development) complaining about the smell from the Al Awir Sewage Works.

Hang on. You decided to move to a location that is quite clearly smack bang next to Dubai's biggest poo farm, just downhill (and therefore downstream) from a ginormous great landfill and now you're complaining that it's smelly? The 25 year old plant manages over 300,000 cubic metres of waste a day. This is the place where, in the mad boom years, hundreds of tankers would queue up for kilometres to unload. There's no mistaking it - it's quite clearly a place that does what it says on the label.

The plant's management has been working gamely to reduce the odour from the works and claims they have made a 98% reduction through various upgrades and odour-reducing technologies. And there's little doubt they are to be warmly applauded for that effort.

One resident told GN, "The smell has reduced, but still it has not stopped. We hope that the authorities are able to stop it from all sources in this area and we are able to breathe fresh air."

So there we have two sides to the coin. One bunch of residents being treated unfairly through no fault of their own. And one bunch whingeing about something they must surely have been aware of from the first moment they arrived in the area for a 'look see'.

Incidentally, and apropos of not very much, I once lived near a place called Billing in Northamptonshire. A natural depression in the English Midlands means the average rainfall on Northampton is higher than elsewhere in the country. It can be a dreary, awful place in the Winter months. Billing was notable for two things. A very large sewage treatment plant and the Billing Aquadrome, which was a caravan park.

I always wondered how awful the place you lived in must be in order that you'd consider a caravan in a land-locked, rainy depression wafted with the constant, awful miasma from a shit farm  as a holiday destination. And then, one day, it hit me. They must all live in tropical paradises and Billing was their 'change is good as a rest'...

Blocked

road_block.jpg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(This here piece is wot started me off)

"I'm trying to park my car, but the parking bay's been blocked."
"Yes, that's right."
"What on earth do you mean? The parking bay came with my Shoreline Shiny!"
"Control and regulation of the Shoreline car parks is essential for the protection, security, safety and wellbeing of residents."
"What in heaven's name are you babbling about? I've got a car full of shopping and I want to get to my Shiny!"
"You can't. It's been blocked."
"Look, I know that, it's why I'm in your office talking to you! Unblock it!"
"Careful with that temper now, sir - remember last time I had to mace you."
"Unblock my parking space, for pity's sake! Whatever happened to a distinguished life of leisure and relaxation by the blue waters of the Arabian Gulf?"
"We can't. It's the regulations. We have the right to regulate car park access and will take all legal steps to do so. Owners who have paid their service charges and collected their cards have nothing to worry about. However, as we have said many times before, people who have paid their service fees cannot be expected to continue to subsidise those who have not."
"Why are you reading from that piece of paper?"
"I'm not. Look, I sympathise, really I do, but your landlord has clearly not paid his maintenance obligations, so we've had to block your space to make him pay."
"I don't get this. How does hurting me get him to pay?"
"We're obviously depending on you hurting him in turn."
"I can't, can I? He doesn't even live in Dubai. What can I do? Refuse to pay the rent? Then he'll evict me."
"Not our problem, really, is it? Anyway, car parks are not part of the sales agreement."
"You mean like the beaches? What about the roads, do I have the right to use those or are you going to withdraw them as well?"
"There's no call for sarcasm, sir. You'll have to lobby your landlord."
"What if I lobby you? Because you're here and he's not and I really don't see why your dispute with him should involve me!"
"We're only the master developer. You'll have to talk to your landlord. Now move along, sir, there's a queue of people behind you who want to complain as well - as we have said many times before, we don't see why one tenant complaining should expect to stop other tenants complaining who have not."
"Unblock my parking space!"
"Lalalalalalala."

(Shiny posts passim)

Shiny Happy Poop

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

"That'll be two hundred dirhams, mate."
"What are you on about? I'm just enjoying my shiny! Two hundred dirhams for what?"
"Dogs, that's what. We've introduced fines for having dogs off the leash and not cleaning up their poop. So give me two hundred dirhams."
"But I haven't got a dog!"
"What's that over there, then? Scotch mist?"
"Well, it's a dog, but..."
"So. Two hundred dirhams. I'll take cash or we'll just add it to your cooling bill. Of course, if you don't pay it, we'll cut off your electricity and water..."
"But who gave you the right to introduce and levy fines? You're a property developer, not a legal system!"
"As well as your cooling."
"But that's not my dog."
"Well I don't see anyone else around here, do you? So it's your dog, matey."
"I want to appeal!"
"There's no appealing this. Blimey, you're a callow one, aintcha? You can appeal if you're dealing with a properly constituted legal system, but this is a series of totally arbitrary regulations foisted on you by a property developer. Not that we'd ever say that in public, you understand."
"So whatever happened to 'dare to dream of a new future of freedom and choice' and 'iconic living that expresses your individuality'?"
"Oh come on, nobody takes that stuff seriously. Anyway, we never expressly said you could keep dogs at all. You should be glad we're tolerating your odiferous canines."
"I keep telling you, I don't even have a dog! This is outrageous! My Shiny never had the bathroom you promised, you keep putting up the maintenance fees, then you tell me what colour I can paint it and tell me which telco I have to use. You stopped me hanging a flag off it for the world cup and refuse to allow me to change the exterior. You even tried to tell me what newspapers I can read. This is just more abuse of my rights by a developer that seems to think it owns me! All in the name of FREEhold?"
"Now don't go giving me attitude, Sir, or I might have to invoke the abuse of development company staff regulation that allows me to mace you and then take your car away."
"But that's not even my bloody dog!"
"Think we're Peter Sellers, do we? Right. I'll add it to your cooling bill. Oh dear, oh dear."
"What is it now?"
"It's just done a poop. That'll be another two hundred."

(Shiny posts passim)

GeekFest Sharjah - It's A Wrap!

GeekFest Sharjah is over and it was fun. Official.  There are so many people to thank, I'm just going to get on and do it. To Nick Rego who made GameFest happen, selflessly giving up his evening so that other people could play silly dancing games, to Ali and the brilliant origami workshop team from JUKI, to the speakers and especially those (Nick, Rasha, Qais, Alexandra, Hanan and others) who braved The Impossible Journey from Dubai and in the process discovered the traffic has changed and a twenty minute drive in slow traffic is perfectly bearable when there's a GeekFest at the end of it. Rupert Bumfrey, very much the catalyst behind GeekFest Sharjah happening, gets a nice perspex award and all. To TechnoCase mobile types Nokia, supportive as always, another bright, shiny thank you.

The talks, as usual, were popular, fun and engaging, starting with a live music performance thanks to creative community website TripleW, which was different! Qais Sedki entertained, Alexandra Tohme provoked and I showed a 1937 movie about Sharjah Airport which rarely fails to fascinate watchers. Catalin Marin's post-processing workshop went down a storm - his stuff is always popular at GeekFest and he's got quite a fierce reputation among PhotoGeeks for his technical wizardry but also for his readiness to help others and share his knowledge. The team from Sharjah Museums came by and shared the amazing diversity of exhibitions and cultural programmes they're working on, which was lovely. They also brought chocolate, which is always appreciated! For what it's worth, I have been consistently delighted and impressed by the youth, commitment and enthusiasm of the Sharjah Museums people and if you haven't had a look at what they've got to offer the culturally interested visitor seeking a number of interesting day trips, you're just plain daft.

To Giuseppe and the team from Al Maraya go the biggest vote of thanks, they worked hard to help everything get off the ground with style and put up gracefully with the unstructured mayhem that is UNorganisation. I did try to warn them...

The turnout wasn't stellar, about 70 people pitched according to Mariecar from Gulf Today (being a journalist, she counted them), although that's how many we catered for in a pessimistic food order - an interesting result given the GeekFest announcement post on this very blog notched up over a thousand page views.

They've decided they all want to do it again in late May, but bigger and better. I'm looking forward to that, because GeekFest Sharjah had a strong cultural and artistic vibe to it that was unique and refreshing.

Strangely, tonight I got home to an email confirming GeekFest Jeddah, previously postponed, was going ahead as a two-stream event (geeks and geekas) in mid-April. There's a GeekFest Beirut in the pipeline, too.

And no, I didn't talk about Olives. Well, just the once...

Shiny Satisfaction Survey

Image by Tracy Hunter via Flickr"Hello. I'm calling you from Dubai Ltd. We're conducting a satisfaction survey. As you likely know, 82% of customers are happy with Dubai.ae according to Khaleej Times and we just wanted to know if you're satisfied with your Shiny too."

"Well, as you mention it..."

"That's great, well thanks for your feedback, we'll just add you to the 'totally delighted' column and then we won't need to bother you again."

"But I didn't say I was delighted with my Shiny."

"But you are now, aren't you?"

"Well, actually-"

"See? I mean, who could want for more, eh? Sun, sea, sand. The cooler weather and dusting off the barbecue, the woman of your dreams at your side and an iconic lifestyle where you can dare to dream and come back for more."

"Well, yes, but-"

"Secure and safe, well paid, fat and coddled in a nice warm cocoon of feelgood. So well off you'd almost feel guilty about whingeing about the downsides..."

"True, but..."

"Look, I tell you what. I'll put you down as "pretty delighted".

"What are the other categories?"

"Umm, fairly delighted and delighted."

"And what about rising visa costs, greedy developers sucking me dry with insane maintenance charges, negative equity and an electricity bill that defies quantum physics?"

"We've got Modhesh. Brand equity like that doesn't come cheap, me bucko. Come on now, time is money."

"Sigh. Put me down as delighted then."

"Nice to talk to you. 'Till the next survey, then."

"Bye."

ENOC/EPPCO - Thrown Out of Sharjah?

Image via WikipediaThe Emirates National Oil Company and the Emirates Petroleum Products Company, better known to us all as ENOC/EPPCO, or the ENOC Group, are facing a deadline to get their forecourts pumping fuel or face closure, according to today's papers who all delightedly slapped the news on their front pages.

As Mark Twain once said, "Never pick a fight with someone who orders ink by the barrel."

According to the reports (The National does by far the best job of reporting the story, BTW), the Sharjah Executive Council through the Sharjah Economic Department set a 72 hour deadline Tuesday (it meets each Tuesday) for the company to get its stations in Sharjah working again, which would give it until tomorrow (Friday) to comply. The ENOC Group operates 82 outlets across Sharjah and the Northern Emirates. Well, operated. They've been failing to actually sell any petrol for the past month.

The National reports that the penalty for non-compliance will be the closure of all service stations and facilities operated by the company in Sharjah. That's pretty hard-core.

The whole situation has been rendered that much more ridiculous by the company's early attempt at shrugging off the problem with a little slice of the mendacity that so many organisations here so readily employ when asked anything even remotely challenging by media. It appears we're learning the lessons all too slowly - it's not just print media that matter now: when you say your forecourts are closed because they're being upgraded, you can bet your bottom dollar that there are thousands of eye witnesses out there more than willing to share the 'Oh no they're not' online - with each other and, of course, with any watching media.

After that little slice of silliness, the company has refused any comment at all, every report in the media graced with the failure of the ENOC Group spokespeople to return calls or comment. The ongoing policy of silence in the face of public concern and the questions of media haven't helped the company at all. The explanation delivered to the Sharjah Executive Council (one was, apparently) is being treated by confidential by the SEC, but the papers have enough energy experts quoting away for us to be able to substantiate what commenters to my much, much earlier posts on this have said: the issue is one of being willing and able to continue to supply petrol at a loss because the company buys fuel on international markets and then has to sell at locally regulated prices, which are substantially lower.

Given this is the case, you'd be forgiven for wondering why they didn't just go ahead and say it. If the intention is to promote a change in the regulations or to gain some assistance in subsidizing the price of fuel, what could the possible harm be of letting the debate take place in public? If the company had been open and transparent about the situation in the first place, enunciated the issue and its position, it would likely have people understanding the issue and the company's response. There's even an argument that it would have prompted a faster and more positive resolution to the whole situation by bringing it out into the open.

Now they're facing being shut down and I can't see many tears being shed - particularly if they'll be replaced by nice, shiny ADNOC stations.

Shiny Maintenance

Image via Wikipedia
"I've met some other people with Shinies and they're not happy either."
"Take no notice. They're just trouble makers and whingers. Stand for your individuality, that's what we say. In fact, it was one of our advertising slogans."
"You mean along with 'Dare to Dream', 'Live Life Lavishly' and 'Sequestrate Your Passions'?"
"Yeah, all that too."
"Well, fact of the matter is we want to form an association. What's so funny?"
"Ohh, wow, forgive me. Sorry, hang on a second. Just. Need. To. Regain. Control."
"I'm not joking, you know, so you can stop that laughing right now."
"Sorry, sorry. Just something caught in my throat. An association? You've got no right."
"Yes we do, under the Strata Law."
"Oh, that old hokum. Forget it, it'll never happen. Why do you want an association anyway? Far better to deal with us direct. I could do you a special discount, you know. As long as you don't tell the others."
"Discount? You've just put up the maintenance charges by over 100%! I never even knew when I bought my Shiny that I'd have to pay you through the nose - and whatever you arbitrarily decide to charge me, at that. Now the recession's cut down on revenue from new buildings, you're just gouging us to make up for it!"
"Hold it right there, hot-shot. You bought a Shiny from us fair and square and signed a contract to boot, so don't go saying we didn't tell you this or we didn't tell you that."
"You didn't tell us that when you said freehold it really meant youarefruct."
"Usufruct."
"Whatever. You didn't tell us that you were going to set what colour we had to paint our flats, what TV channels we could watch or what phone provider we had to have. And you didn't tell us you were going to charge us so much for maintentance, either. There's plenty more you didn't tell us, too. How about-"
":Look, is this going anywhere? You're constantly complaining about your Shiny, but there it is, good as new. And Shiny, too!"
"It's not Shiny anymore. Not since you painted it that Dubai Beige colour."
"Alright, alright. You can have your association, okay? Now can you just leave my office?"
"When?"
"As soon as possible. We'll start working on the paperwork right away."
"Really?"
"Really. Trust us. We won't let you down. Just leave your passport and we'll take care of things."
"Wow! Thanks!"
"Don't mention it."

(More info on today's GN story here!)

Oh Noes, My Shiny!

"Hi. I've come to collect my Shiny."
"Ah yes, it's you. Come in. Sit down. Tea? Coffee?"
"Neither thanks. Just my Shiny."
"Sure, sure, no problem. Just give me a second to get organised here. You sure you wouldn't like a drink? Mirinda? Teem?"
"No. No drinks thanks. Just my Shiny."
"Ahahahaa. Yes. Right. One tick then. Judith? Judith? Oh, where has that blasted girl gone. Here. Try one of these."
"What are they?"
"Dates. Traditional welcome from the mystical orient. I've got some ghawa around here somewhere. Just so that you can taste a little Arab hospitality."
"Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't want tea or coffee, Mirinda or Teem, dates or khawa. I just want my Shiny."
"Yes, yes, I know. Everyone gets so excitable about these things. I don't know. Ah! Here she is! And there you are!"
"Thank you, what's this?"
"Why, it's a nmkl pjkl ftmch of course!"
"But I don't want a nmkl pjkl ftmch. I want my shiny."
"That is your shiny. It looks like a shiny, feels like a shiny doesn't it?"
"Well, no. It looks like a nmkl pjkl ftmch. And feels like one. It's not as shiny. And why is there a string attached to it?"
"So we can stay attached to it. We'll take it back if you try and alter it or do anything with it we don't like. that's the big difference between shinies and nmkl pjkl ftmchs, really."
"But I bought a bloody Shiny from you, a proper shiny Shiny with 'Dare to dream' and 'Live to love in a graceful fairytale' and 'Your desert paradise comes to life' plastered all over it."
"It's the same thing, stop being so obdurate. It's no different."
"Except it's called a nmkl pjkl ftmch and it's got strings attached to it."
"Stop complaining."
"I will not stop complaining. I bought a Shiny from you, where is it?"
"I don't think you're making things any better for yourself you know. You'll be running out of time soon."
"Out of time?"
"Yes, you can only stay here two minutes at a time. After that we have to jab you with needles and take money from you."
"But I bought a Shiny!"
"No you didn't, you bought a nmkl pjkl ftmch. And if you don't like it..."
Omnes: "You can always leave!"

(If you want more Shiny dialogues, they're here and here and even here.)

GeekFest Update

Quick update to this week's GeekFest Dubai post - we do, in fact, have a TechnoCase. The nice chaps from Samsung Gulf are coming along to show off their nice, shiny new Galaxy S Android SmartPhone.

That should go down quite nicely, methinks...

My Shiny

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

(You might find it helps to read this first!)

"What's that on your shiny?"
"It's a flag. It's because the World Cup is on. I'm supporting my team."
"That's not allowed. Take it off."
"Why? It's my shiny. You sold it to me. You said I had to dare to dream, live to love, enjoy a new lifestyle of freedom and joy with my family. You said that I would build my dreams of the future in an iconic luxury community that redefined living."
"It's the rules."
"But it's mine! You said I was free to hold it. I'm a shiny owner, not just a borrower. I paid you good money to own a shiny!"
"They're not that expensive, you know."
"They're not now, but they were when I bought it. But bought it I did, outright and it's mine! I know my rights, I do!"
"Have you seen those Sharp Quattron ads on the TV? The really annoying ones with the smug looking guy from Star Trek?"
"Yeees. What's that got to do with me having rights?"
"Just imagine the way he says this: Well, actually, you don't. We can tell you what to do. What TV you watch, what colour you paint your shiny. Whether you put flags on it. Even what newspaper you can read, if the whim or fancy takes us. All sorts of stuff, in fact. That's the deal."
"The deal was freehold."
"The deal was shut up. You've got a shiny. Be happy. Now go away and blow a vuvuzela. But quietly. And not after 9pm."

The Inevitable GeekFest Wrapup Post

We didn't know the stupid pies were going to be that size. They were enormous things, the size of a man's outstretched hand and almost impossible to eat decorously, but by golly they were tasty! Apologies to Mr. Goat whose doctor has been nagging him about cholesterol and who was sore tempted by the cornucopia of pieness that presented itself to him as he pitched up for his evening's geekery.

The talks were once again a marvel to behold. The idea of splitting them so that the theatre at The Shelter could empty and give everyone a chance to attend a talk was brilliant (Thanks, @ammouni!) and, IMHO, worked well so we'll be doing that again. Talked to a number of people about the solution to the theatre being too small and the consensus was that it was the very intimacy of the space that contributed (along with the excellence and diversity of the speakers) to the amazing atmosphere and 'vibe' at the GeekTalks. Rabea Ataya, CEO of the highly successful Middle East recruitment website bayt.com, kicked off the evening's talks, followed by 'the Islamic Pampers guy', Mohammed F. Al-Awadhi who had the audience enraptured and marvelling with his talk which, of course, covered everything but Islamic Pampers! Mohammed Ali J, @MaliZOMG and compadre Ritesh not only delivered a great talk, but look like they're going to deliver a smart online student radio station come March 15th too! That's definitely a story to follow.

Last, but no means least, came Susan 'Amazing' Macaulay who shared the background to Amazing Women Rock, talked about some of the more popular stories the site has hosted and neatly crowdsourced a load of help from the assembled geeks!

Along with a number of notable bloggers in attendance, including such luminaries as Jordanian Hussein (Who-Sane), who sadly no longer seems to be blogging, Hellwafashion, The Amazing Susan, Kinan Jarjous and Monsignor Rupert Bumfrey, we also paid host to.. *gasp*... gamers. This worked out rather smartly, thanks in no small part to the shiny little boxes that Buffalo Technology brought along as part of its TechnoCase - gamers don't like wireless because it can be slow and erratic when put under multi-user Quake3 frag that mofo loads. Buffalo wasn't buffaloed, it's fair to say. We'll do GameFest again for sure, as long as @hishamwyne or one of the other gaming types is willing to get it together!


The Microsoft chaps had a good evening, too, I think - and raffled off some stuff at the end. While I'm delighted that a company that huge came along and joined in, I also have some enormous reservations about things like raffles - there's something 'gatekeeper' about them that makes me uncomfortable in the context of an egalitarian free-for-all event like GeekFest. We have been resolute in keeping TechnoCase participation low-key, no-logo, no branding and so on. Is this the way to go? So far the companies that have played along have had solid, good value engagements out of the whole thing and have built some impressive endorsers for themselves. I'd welcome anyone's opinions on this whole area of things.

We didn't really make enough of the ArtStuf side of things this time around and definitely will do more next time - that's at least in part down to participation from digital artists, which we're open to if you happen to know any! However, Faisal Khatib shared a slideshow of his work which was really cool.


What next? GeekFest 4.0 will be on the 22nd April and we'll plan a couple of surprises - nothing too organised, of course! People keep being nice and saying thank you for organising it, but honestly we're not kidding with this 'UNorganised' stuff - we do very little really, just keep saying 'sure' when people come up with smart ideas or ways to participate - by the way, please do feel free to do more of that, folks!

All that apart, I just wanted to say that I'm constantly blown away that something this organic and random keeps generating interest and turns into such wonderful, thought-provoking and entertaining evenings. So thank YOU! :)

Green and Greener

Image by Sky Competition via Flickr

I know I'm a bit hard on Gulf News occasionally and it does, believe me, make me feel guilty. But sometimes the chaps over at the Newspaper That Tells It Like It Is do stuff that has me shaking my head in incredulous disbelief.

Today's 450g slab of papery joy contains a shiny supplement titled 'Go Green'. It's one of those special supplements so beloved of newspapers here - the ones where you get a page of the uncritical, slavish blether of your choice printed about you as long as you advertise. The ones nobody in their right minds reads. Ever.

In fact, 54 pages (including covers) of shiny, high-ceramic glossy paper are dedicated to the green message - and, of course, not even a nod to the concept of carbon neutrality or perhaps the advantages of not wasting something like 11 tonnes of paper (if my calculations are correct, 100g per supplement, 112,000 claimed run by GN) to produce something that is purely a vehicle for printing advertising for profit. Its informational value or the fact that it is in fact a genuine attempt to educate and inspire people is something I would love to see someone try and defend.

This next bit isn't going to make me popular among a number of people, including those I count as friends.

The same issue of GN (which, incidentally, also covers the IRENA summit in Abu Dhabi) also illustrates its tabloid section with the headline 'Green Day' and a cover image of a Toyota FJ Cruiser churning up the green desert like a little blue plough, following in the tracks of many others that have destroyed the delicate plant life on the side of the dune. This car would have been one of the thousand or so cars that annually plough a great scar of tracks through the desert in the name of the Gulf News Fun Run.

The desert here is a delicate biome and never more so than when it greens after rain. To show it being destroyed by hundreds of cars, the carpet of tentative life torn up and mashed into a muddy gash next to the words, 'Participants... enjoyed the unique sight of the desert in bloom.' shows a most definite lack of understanding of the word irony.

Now I have to admit I'm deeply conflicted here. A long term resident, I often drive in the desert and have done so for many years in parties of varying sizes.

I have always had a mild aversion to the idea of a thousand cars churning up the desert, believing (probably wrongly) that smaller parties of drivers would have a lesser impact than hundreds at a time. At the same time, the Fun Run is a much-loved annual event that brings a large number of people together in their enjoyment of the outdoors - and I have to record that the marshals do ensure that litter and the like are not left behind.

But today's Gulf News gleefully slaps the word GREEN on two activities that are most definitely negative in their impact on our environment. I guess it's one thing to proselytise in naggy 'go green' editorial campaigns, but quite another to truly practice what you preach.

The Media Police

Gulf News (880g) today contains more commentary on the new draft media law of the UAE. In response to a petition from over 100 UAE academics, lawyers, journalists, human rights activists and members of non-governmental organisations, the national media council's director general, Ebrahim Al Abed has asserted that the law is a good thing.

Interestingly, the piece (which is significantly cut in the online edition, for some reason. You'll just have to shell out Dhs3 for the full skinny) adds some new fact. The National Media Council will be charged with ascertaining whether a breach of the law has taken place and forwarding the case to the courts which, if I understand his words correctly, effectively makes the NMC The Media Police.

Do you think they'll get smart new uniforms with shiny peaked caps and mirror shades?

"The National Media Council will have the responsibiliy of determining whether a possible breach of the law has occured - but it will then be for the courts to determine whether the law has actually been broken and to decide upon the penalty, if any" Al Abed told GN.

Meanwhile, another worrying development comes from the UAE Journalists' Association, which is holding a two-day conference at Dubai's Al Bustan Rotana today and tomorrow according to GN. The conference will discuss many weighty matters related to journalism and ethics, including the role of online media. In fact, talking to Gulf News, the Association's head said that:

"...trends and challenges to the media will also be discussed, such as the role of citizen journalism and bloggers. He said it was difficult to accept bloggers as journalists because they did not fall under a framework of accountability and ethics that govern responsible reporting."

Which is all very well, if 'citizen journalists' (hate that phrase) and bloggers are involved in the discussion. I certainly didn't get an invite... anyone else out there get one?

And do you WANT to be seen as journalists? Either professionally or in the eyes of the law? I know that I, for one, sure as hell don't...

30 Days

"Hi. Thanks for coming in to see us."
"Well, I was coming anyway. My Shiny's going dull again."
"That was actually the reason we asked to see you."
"Oh, cool. You're going to respray it again like last time it went dull?"
"Umm, no, not in so many words. We want it back."
"What do you mean, you want it back? No. It's mine. I bought it from you in the first place."
"Yes, but we want it back. You have to leave now and we want the Shiny back."
"But I don't want to leave. I invested everything I have here when you sold me the Shiny."
"That's the rules. What can we do?"
"But you said the Shiny would be a dream for life. That it was my gateway to new possibilities. You said I could relax in an iconic oasis of calm and dare to believe in my prosperous future. You said that I could dream a dream of dreamy dreams!"
"That was before the credit crisis. Now we all have to face economic realities."
"You said the Shiny would be mine forever!"
"We didn't. It's here in the small print, under redundancy. See?"
"But you didn't tell me that."
"We did. It's your memory at fault, that's what it is. Unless you've got something in writing?"
"No, of course not. Nobody even thought about redundancy when you sold me the Shiny."
"Well, we don't like to lecture, but perhaps you'd be better off by planning for the future rather than wandering around with your head in the clouds dreaming."
"What am I going to do now?"
"To be honest, that's not really our problem. We only work within the law."
"What law?"
"Our law."
"You're making it up as you go along."
"Right. That's enough. You're having a negative impact on the economy now. Give it back and toddle off, there's a good chap."
"I'll go to the newspapers."
"Jolly good idea. That'll give you something to pack with. Don't forget to leave the car at the airport."