A Bunch of Bankers

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

My bank has a new toy. It’s an automated calling system that puts a call in to me if one of our three joint accounts we hold becomes overdrawn. I get a call that then places me on hold until someone at the call centre becomes free and picks up the line.

So I, the ‘customer’, am made to hang around like a jerk on the end of a line until they can find the time to talk to me?

Is this what they call customer service?

And then I get dopey the call centre clot telling me that my account is Dhs50 overdrawn and asking when can I ‘normalise the situation’. Needless to say, I point out to the clot on the line, the other two accounts are significantly in funds, which you’d have seen if you cared enough about your ‘Status’ customers to give even a cursory glance at the account status before putting calls in to them on a Friday morning about insignificant overdrafts.

Taking that quick look at the account status before placing the call would have taken a great deal less of the bank’s time and effort than the FIVE calls I got from them on Friday regarding the same issue. It would also have avoided a lot of unpleasantness for their call centre staff. One of them, deliciously, called after I had authorised a transfer from another account to restore the balance of the account that was causing so much apparent heartache. ‘Oh, you see the system doesn’t update properly’ she told me just before I let her have it.

I did tell her it wasn’t personal and I didn’t see why she had to apologise to me – it was the bank’s issue and I wanted her to escalate my complaint. She hasn’t, of course, but I have.

The world’s local bank? HSBC? The biggest bunch of numpties I have ever dealt with, they continue to blight my life with every single contact I have with them. The only thing you can rely on is their constant failure to provide even the most basic level of service and banking facilities without embroiling their customer in needless heartache, anger and frustration.

Why don’t I move? Because last year I finally snapped and went to Lloyds only to find they couldn’t even open an account without screwing it up. As so many people have told me – they’re each one worse than the other.

No wonder the useless bastards all needed bailed out...

Kitchenomics

Social media punishes attempts at one-way communication precisely because it is social – an ongoing, online dialogue between people.

Put yourself in the kitchen at a party – everyone in there is chatting away and then you jump in shouting your head off about how wonderful you are. End result? If you escape being punched, you’re lucky. But people will be aggrieved at you for being so rude.

You’re generally welcome into the kitchen, but social behaviour dictates that you listen to the people around you, work out what’s being said and then make a contribution that will ensure you are accepted as a valid and welcomed member of the group. You can’t have a party yourself until you know enough people to invite, so there’s always an element of spending time in other people’s kitchens before you can be confident that you know enough people to invite over to your party.

If everyone in that kitchen knows who you are, for instance if it’s your kitchen, then you could well get away with crashing in – but you’ll fast get a reputation for being obnoxious and loud at parties and people may well start avoiding you. Even if you’re known, it’s safer to behave with respect and tact rather than going around shouting slogans at people.

If you insist it’s your kitchen and you have the right to lock everyone in and shout assertive brand-enhancing slogans at them, nobody will ever come to your party again. If you make playing party games conditional to being in the kitchen, people will avoid the kitchen and also your parties.

In fact, one of the most important things about good parties is that you give up your right to your kitchen entirely – strange people will stand around in it and have conversations that have nothing to do with you. And they will enjoy themselves and consequently be delighted when they're invited back.

The value to this is that, managed properly, you can also engage in that conversation and perhaps gently steer it around to a topic that’s more valuable to you – but it helps to have invited the right people to the party, and therefore into the kitchen, in the first place. And to treat them with respect and as peers.

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Rat On Board PIA Flight Causes Passenger Violence

Image via Wikipedia

It's not often I quote a news report totally verbatim but this, thanks to pal Angus, just begs to be digested in full and at leisure.

I particularly love the reaction of the passengers on the delayed Dubai flight.

I have edited not one word from the below. And they're not even taking the Mickey - here's the link so's you can confirm I'm on the straight and narrow!

Another rat found in plane

By: Amraiz Khan | Published: April 27, 2009 LAHORE - Yet another rat was spotted in a PIA aircraft prior its take-off from the Allama Iqbal International Airport on Sunday.

The flight PK-758, which was scheduled for Lahore-Karachi-London air-route, had come from London at the Lahore airport. Unlike the last incident wherein business class passengers of PK-258 saw a rat, this time, it was the pilot himself who spotted the dubious movements of the mouse.

This was the second mouse infested PIA flight. The pilot later refused to operate the aircraft any further till the removal of the rat, said sources in the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA).

The plane wherein the pilot found the mouse was scheduled to fly back to London as PK-787. But due to his refusal, the Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) management arranged another 777 aircraft to cover the same route. The 777 aircraft was originally supposed to operate as PK-203 for Dubai at 8:45 am, but in order to make it available for London the PIA management delayed the 777’s Dubai operation by 1:00 am, April 27.

The passengers of the Dubai flight started protesting when their flight was delayed. The CAA had to call police and ASF when the protesting pasesngers became violent.

As per details, the pilot of the flight PK-758 saw the rat on board and refused to operate it back as PK-787 Lahore-Karachi-London, saying that it could be hazardous for the flying.

As per sources in the PIA and CAA, the airport management tried to convince the pilot for further flight but he refused to do so, saying that the presence of the rat could cause an mishap.

However, after a short discourse the pilot became ready to take the flight as ferry flight (with no passengers and cabin crew) to Karachi.

*** OH NOES! IT GETS BETTER! ***

Thanks to eagle-eyed Twitterpal Kawthar, I can now share the FOLLOWUP story. Hang on there, readers, this is going to be a bumpy ride!

Another rat found in plane

By: Amraiz Khan | Published: April 27, 2009 The panic-stricken PIA Flight Control located at Karachi cancelled the Dubai-bound PK-203, to be operated by another Boeing 777 with 300 passengers, most of whom had checked-in or were in the process to do so. This caused a lot of anger amongst the passengers, some of them with visa restrictions to enter by 26 April, while most of them had prior business commitments in Dubai.

The police and ASF were called in to calm the agitators after they came to know that London bound passengers were given preference, when PIA decided to detail the Dubai bound aircraft for London flight, while delaying the Dubai flight till 1 am on 27 April, which will be operated by a Boeing 777 returning from New York as PK-712.

Meanwhile, the rat infested Boeing 777 was ferried by PIA to Karachi, without any passenger, since it was not cleared for normal operation by the CAA.

The PIA sources have disclosed that rats find their way into planes by means of cargo containers lying at cargo sheds. Other places for their entrance are the catering vans and Avio Bridges from where passengers embark.

When contacted the PIA spokesman said that no rat was witnessed in the plane but plane was operated as ferry flight to Karachi because of some technical reasons. But the Civil Aviation Vigilance section confirmed the presence of mouse in PK-758.

Another update, July 2009!!!

MORE rats found on PIA flights! And the cheeky buggers are trying to blame HEATHROW! Here's the link - and above is a nice history of rat infested flights that haven't been near good old LHR!

RTA Renews Licenses Online

Image via Wikipedia

"Hello, RTA."
"Hi. I need to renew my driving license. What documents will you require?"
"You can go to the nearest centre, yours is at Co-Op opposite Safa Park, Sir. You'll need the old license, a passport copy, Dhs 100 fees and an eye test. For the eye test, you need to visit an optician and you will require your passport and a photograph of yourself."
"And that's it?"
"Yes, sir!"

Wow!

How much has changed around here? When I originally got the license (way back when, you don't need to know, right?) it had taken a major internationally co-ordinated effort, the resources of three small Latin American countries and the best part of a whole morning hanging around in hopeless queues, processing paperwork and being videoed in large empty rooms filled with smiling policemen - and that was with the efforts of my powerful sponsor's mandoub.

So off I toddled. I got the eye test from a wiry thin Syrian optician whose hacking cough shook his gaunt frame every two seconds.

"Cover your eye. Read the letters."
"E O N F V W"
"Okay, now cover other eye. Read letters."
(puzzled) "Errm. E O N F V W"
Okay. You pass. Dhs 25.

I went upstairs to the RTA centre and proudly handed over my old license, my passport copy, my eye test (with stamped photo stapled to it to prove I wasn't using Gary Gilmore's eyes) and my Dhs 100.

The nice girl tapped on a keyboard and then smiled pityingly at me.

"You must pay twifty-ten Dirhams."
"Whaaat?"
"Yes," she smiled beatifically. "Your traffic fines. Of course you must pay these."

Of course. All the documents I'd need except one omitted vital element. Luckily, the Co-Op is festooned in ATM's, so one cash scoop and about ten minutes later, I was photographed and in possession of my new license - but short twifty-ten Dirhams.

Now Gulf News tells us that the RTA is to introduce an online renewal service. All you have to do is get the eye-test and apply online by attaching a photo and the fee. The optician can send your eye test direct to the RTA, apparently. And your license gets posted to you in four days.

How will they match the applications with the eye tests without losing them or breaking them? How will they handle the payment of fines given they have no e-payment portal worth a hoot? How will they handle licenses 'lost in the post'? We have yet to find out.

But to be honest, given that the Salik portal still couldn't process online payments by Visa last time I tried (and screwed up the time before that), I'd actually rather go the Co-Op route and get a license in my hands in ten minutes more than it takes to go anyway for the eye test - and get a lovely smile into the bargain.

Funny, isn't it, that the 'old fashioned' physical process is not only safer and more reliable than the online one but also faster. Rather turns one's preconceptions about the transactional Internet on their head...

Have the Brits Betrayed the Gurkhas?

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

A small treasure in my insanely extensive book collection is a thin volume called ‘Clangers’, a collection of Second World War anecdotes about cock-ups, misunderstandings and SNAFUs in the British forces.

One of the stories in the book relates to the Gurkhas, the fierce, tough kukri-wielding soldiers from the Himalayas that have long been valued by the British Army for their remarkable tenacity, courage and loyalty.

They are, incidentally, to be found in Oman among other places, where they have had a long history of service.

Their officer announced to the men on parade that there was to be a difficult and dangerous mission behind enemy lines. So much so, that it had been decided to ask for volunteers. They were to be flown in Lancaster bombers and dropped from a height of tens of thousands of feet far behind the front line – and would have to fight their way back.

When he finished, he asked any man who wished to volunteer to take one step forwards. Not one man moved – a massive shock to the officer. Then the light dawned and he announced that parachutes would be provided – the entire regiment took one step forwards to a man.

Apocryphal or not, it’s a story that epitomises the bravery of the Gurkhas and the respect in which they are held. Even to enter the regiment requires an amazing degree of toughness – recruits are required to run uphill for 40 minutes carrying over 30Kg of rocks in a rucksack.

But the 200-years of service and bravery the Gurkhas have given Britain are not, apparently, valued by the British government, which is refusing to grant the right to settle in the UK to Gurkha soldiers. Despite a court ruling last September that specifically gave the Gurkhas that right, the government continues to evade its responsibilities – including a new document that limits the right of settlement to those who have served over 20 years in the regiment. Only officers, therefore, would qualify – a rifleman is not permitted to serve more than 15 years.

More here, including a petition that you can sign up to (your voice apparently doesn’t quite count for as much if you’re non-resident, but don’t let that stop you!). Do feel free to lend your voice to the many appalled citizens of the UK who do not associate themselves with the government’s craven and indefensible filibustering, prevarication and duplicity in dealing with people that have given the country such service.

Judas or journalist?

Image by pythonboot via Flickr

I'm not sure how many silver coins are worth a gold one, but let's just put it at 30 for the sake of a decent headline.

It's a fine day when Emirates Business 24x7 is the only newspaper to expose a company that blatantly offers journalists the gift of gold for turning up to a press event, but that's precisely what reporter Dima Hamadeh did today. Her story 'outs' the World Gold Council and its PR company for sending a press invitation that promises all attendees to a WGC media event would receive a gold coin.

When taken to task by Hamadeh, the account manager at the agency responded with: "Why does it offend you? We have done it for years, not only for award announcements but for other events by the WGC as well."

The appropriate note of contrition perhaps lacking there, then...

Another PR person quoted in the story tells Hamadeh that "A lot of journalists call to know what they would be getting as a gift..."

Now that's news to me - in my 12 (grief) years in public relations I have never been asked by a journalist what gift is on offer at an event. In fact, I just checked around the Spot On office, and nobody else has, either. I can tell you that the answer to such a question would be very short indeed.

What on earth is the point of even wasting time talking to a roomful of journalists who have just pitched up to collect their bribe? What's the value of the debased coverage they would give you in their debased media? Besides, if you can own them enough to travel across town and listen to you for an hour for a coin, just send them the damn coin and the rubbish you want them to publish and save everyone some time, no?

The Middle East PR Association, MEPRA, stipulates a limit of $50 for media gifts - set as a reasonable limit for a small gift expected to represent a token of appreciation or thanks. The limit was set in response to a growing culture of outrageous attempts to bribe media, including gifts of consumer electronics such as games consoles, mobile phones and DVD players.

But gold coins are so much subtle, don't you think?

Now. Which publications have covered the World Gold Council jewellery design competition, Auditions? And can their journalists confirm they didn't take the coin?

The New UAE Media Law is .Not. Law

Image by Amy.Ng via Flickr

The New UAE Media Law has been passed by the Federal National Council, according to the Emirates news agency WAM.

The WAM story, filed just now, says that some 60% of the law has been modified, but doesn't say how the law has been modified or indeed whether the controversial 'harm to the economy' clause has been softened or clarified - or whether the 60% modifications were to the version of the law that's being debated or whether they were the original revisions that took place in the two years the law was, to use Gulf News subs' favourite phrase, 'on the anvil'.

We'll doubtless see more on this tomorrow. The law itself has provoked widespread media concern - and it does not, as far as I am aware or can find out, recognise the 'e-world' (for instance bloggers, forum commentators or, say, Twitterers) in any way. So whether you can go to jail for blogging or Tweeting something because you're not a journalist and therefore not entitled to the protection of the law (that protection including huge fines) or not is still totally up in the air. Let alone where a journalist that blogs something stands.

Up until now, the party line has been that regulations will 'clarify' the law. But we haven't yet seen how clear the law, in its final form, truly is. Let's hope that one of tomorrow's papers gets to publish the full draft as approved by the FNC so we can see how the world has moved on since the UAE Journalists' Association published its voluntary Code of Ethics in October 2007...

** As has been noted on this blog before, 'post in haste, repent at leisure'.

Indeed, the new 'law' news from WAM is, as the (sadly) anonymous commenter on this post quite rightly pointed out, not really news. The President has not, as far as we know, signed it off. And so it's not a law. It's just the same old document (unseen) that we've all been waiting for along with some more comments on how it's going to be a wonderful law that we're all going to really enjoy living with. I'm going to hold on getting a red face over this until we see tomorrow's coverage from UAE media. This'll be interesting...

U.A.Q. F.U.N. R.I.P.?

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The news that small and perfectly formed Emirate Umm Al Qawain is to close all bars and nightclubs appears to signal a new, more conservative approach.

It seems to be something of a KT 'scoop', BTW.

Long a favourite weekend haunt for the Lebanese community, UAQ had two 'proper' hotels, a couple of improper hooch-holes and a marina and equestrian club. It also sported the 'UAQ Tourist Club', which evolved from a barasti bar and Friday barbecue joint (run by a quite insane-sounding German person with a white hat) to being a fully-fledged beachside leisure and hotel outfit.

I learned to ride at the Equestrian Club back in the '90s - it was part of the UAQ Marina - a 'dry' entertainment venue, but a pleasant enough place to while away a beach-side Friday. The place was run by 'old school' couple Suzie and Peter Wooldridge, Peter was ex-military and had previously been stationed in the UAE apparently. It will be a very long time indeed before I forget Suzie's posh Brit voice booming across the sandy expanse of the riding school, 'Mexicaaan reeeiiinnss Arleygzaaarndar! Meeeexicaan reiins!!!'.

It was a nice little club and the stables were responsible for rescuing a number of horses, including failed yearlings, rodeo horses and even a couple of shell-shocked Lebanese nutters that had survived Israeli bombardments in the civil war. It was always fun to 'draw' one of those in the 'which horse do I get today' sweepstake. You could tell you were getting a nutter because they had white marks around their necks where they had tried to slip their rope halters during the bombardment - it's a little known fact that brown horse hair grows back white over scarring.

(Don't you learn the most marvellous things from this blog now and then, huh?)

My favourite of all was a 21-year old lippizaner called Samir. A contrary old bastard, Samir had been a beginner's school horse for long enough to know every trick in the book about how to plod around the school at his own pace no matter how much you squeezed or hupped. There were only two ways to get him moving: feed him Pepsi before the lesson or give him a smart crack on the arse with the crop. Some days it'd take both. I'd constantly touch him in the wrong places with my clumsy beginner's feet and end up doing involuntary dressage step dances across the school. The real treat when the weather was good was taking off the saddles and riding the horses bareback into the lovely waters of UAQ creek for a post-ride bathe in the warm, salty water.

They had two camels there called Larry and Alexander that they'd trained to do dressage. Funny.

Back then, a great Friday would consist of a ride out followed by a trip up to the Tourist Club, a barbeque lunch and a beer or two, perhaps a schlep out onto the creek on a jetski or one of the Club's boats and then a toddle home.

And then Suzie and Peter had a falling out with 'authority' and left, Peter selling his Porsche for a knock-down 'quick sale' Dhs 10,000 (always regretted not going for that one). Soon after, the land by the riding school was converted into chalets which always had something of a whiff of sulphur about them. Chalets that appeared to serve a 'certain type' of tourism. I shall say no more at the risk of offending the many sensitive and gentle souls amongst my readers.

I suspect the appearance of those chalets was pretty much when the rot started to set in. The KT news that some '25 nightclubs' were to be involved in the March 1st shutdown order came as something of a shock. 25 nightclubs? In lovely, quiet Umm Al Qawain?

The nightclub cleanup's fine by me, but I do hope they'll be leaving the 'old' outlets there - something that the KT story doesn't clarify.

People used to go up there and enjoy themselves quietly, not distressing, upsetting or disturbing anyone as they enjoyed the beaches and the rich marine life of the huge UAQ creek (turtles, marlin and mangroves).

And nobody, certainly, needed to worry about the provenance of the young lady accompanying you... But then I suppose they were more innocent times, no?

One For The Ladies

Of the many wonderful things to be found in the diverse and rich playground that is the Internet, this is one of my favourite things today. It was advertised on my phone bill and piqued my curiosity because of the whiff of egregious sexism it carried with it.

It's Etisalat's 'My Bouquet' service, a special range of offers for the little lady.

The advert on my phone bill offers the chance to win a pink Blackberry Pearl - because girls only like pink, don't they? Of course they do, lads.

But then we have the actual My Bouquet section of Etisalat's website (Interestingly, if you search eim.ae for "My Bouquet" it doesn't return the service as a result. Nice.), a true phenomenon of targeted marketing. For a start, it's got flowers on it - and everyone knows the girls love a flower every now and then! Especially those ones from Emarat, eh chaps?

"My bouquet is carefully designed to best serve the need of the women" Etisalat declaims on the site, which is illustrated with a (licensed, I hope!) picture of a sappy-looking Nancy Ajram. And how right they are! There are three bouquets, Lilac, Tulip and Orchid, which are perfect for the need of the women.

Lilac lets the women talk internationally for 1.6 hours. Tulip lets the women talk internationally for 5 hours and Orchid lets the women talk internationally for 8.3 hours. There are some reward point thingies and the chance to win that lovely, desirable and oh! So female! Pink Blackberry.

So there you go ladies! Now you can win a pink Blackberry and talk for a long time on the 'phone!

PS: I coloured this post pink especially for the ladies! This segmented marketing lark is a DODDLE once you understand your target audience, isn't it???

Dubai and Negative Media

The recent spate of negative media coverage on Dubai has been an interesting phenomenon to watch on so many levels. Firstly, it has served to polarise opinion in the city itself and people have come together in a surprising and, as far as I can see from friends, colleagues and the like, strongly consensual reaction. The pro-Dubai lobby consists of cynical, snarky and critical journalists, bloggers and Middle Mirdif in general – people who last year queued up to whinge, moan, complain and generally put the boot in wherever possible. I might be accused of being in that company.

A second interesting result has been the way in which those new converts to the Cause That Is Dubai have reacted to the articles. They’ve been commenting on them. A few short years (months, even) ago, they’d only have had the opportunity of writing a strongly worded Letter to the Editor, which would quite likely have been ‘spiked’ by the ‘Reader’s Editor’ – in fact one particularly splenetic Dubai blog is subtitled ‘Because my letters to the editor never get published’*!

Nowadays newspapers have woken up to the Internet and have started to post articles up with a facility for reader comment and feedback. Two** of the worst anti-Dubai rants have run recently in The Guardian, the now infamous Germaine Greer ‘Bus ride’ piece and the more recent, and no less uninformed, Simon Jenkins ‘Ozymandias’ piece which combined ignorance and pretension in a quite charming way. And both have seen their ‘comments’ sections closed after a tide of angry riposte from people that knew a lot more about Dubai than the writers in question. The Guardian has even been forced (I can tell you, most ungracefully) to correct a couple of the more glaring howlers in the Greer piece.

This is important. The Guardian is now arguably little different to Wikipedia – the process of two-way communication and egalitarianism that the Internet is increasingly empowering is starting to change newspapers and the way we consume them - it’s become self-correcting. This doesn’t stop the print edition from carrying the rubbish uncorrected. But nobody’s reading that anymore anyway, are they?

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

* The Real Nick has changed the subtitle of his blog since this article was printed, just to mess me up.

** This was also printed pre-Johann Hari and pre the excellent Chris Saul's parody of Hari's piece, which I do commend to you most heartily.

Wordle

This is a Wordle word cloud of ze blog, found among all the other junk, dross, fascinating stuff and bonkers bits and bobs that clutter the Web thanks to DXBluey.

I am deeply amused by this. But then I have a mental age of 6...

UAE Unblocks flikr?

Image via Wikipedia

There has been much confusion over this one: www.flickr.com remains blocked by the TRA, but you can access the site (well, you could at the time of writing) by using this link (thanks to Nagham!).

However, any attempt to click through to an image results in a block. I used 'trees' as my test subject, as I thought I might as well kick off with something subversive - and got the usual cheery message.

So flickr remains blocked, our little burst of optimism has petered out and life goes on as usual, without the ability to effectively do Yahoo! Image Searches.

Somehow, someone, somewhere (in a very big, secure, server farm in the States, I rather think) has missed a link. But they got the rest of it down pat, thank you very much.

Go home people. There's nothing to see here. Move along, move along...

JG Ballard

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JG Ballard has died, aged 78, following a long battle with cancer.

Ballard's work has long had sway over me. He skittered across styles and genres, producing some of the most compelling fantasy work, The Terminal Beach being one of the first things I came across - a book published in the year I was born and one which has, along with Vermillion Sands, The Drowned World and The Crystal World, stayed with me since I was a kid.

Ballard's world was one of almost frightening, inxplicable desertscapes, jungles and fractally twisted textures, of alternative realities and surreal thought. His worlds were terminal, unsustainable, post-cataclysmic, his human characters always surrounded by, challenged by the destruction wrought by erosion, change and altered states.

From the man that systematically blotted out everything around him, creating a comfortable whiteness (killing his wife in the process) to a man left alone as the only survivor, apart from a shadowy, uncreachable figure that wanders and dances out of his reach) in an earth that has been turned entirely crystalline, Ballard's work was fired by almost incredible imagination.

His work is sometimes, despite being set a million mental miles away from any right-minded person's reality, redolent of its era - try Crash, an early 1970s book that sexualises cars and an obsession with car crashes in a disturbing study of man and technology twisted together in the ultimate bond.

Empire of the Sun was an oddity - the story of his childhood incarceration after the invasion of Singapore, it's autobiographical and probably his only 'straight' work. The Spielberg film of it is awful. The Kindness of Women is another book that sits oddly on a bookshelf containing The Drowned World and Vermilion Sands.

Latterly, his writing shifted to dealing with themes of sex, drugs and death in suburban dystopia. Well, I mean, why not? Cocaine Nights, Super-Cannes and Millenium People would make compelling reading for anyone living in the Arabian Ranches (God, Ballard could have created the bloody Arabian Ranches for all we know) or Green Community, the Greens, Palms or whatevers in The Projects. These are the types of communities he created, populating them with suburban career people whose outward lives masked terrifying cabals of criminality and violence.

I always thought he'd come to Dubai. I'd have loved to have seen his face when he saw the perfect dystopia - somewhere so close to his writing that he'd have been sent into shock, Vermillion Sands and Cocaine Nights intertwined with Crash. I wonder if he'd have liked it, loathed it or just been stunned that we're all living in what was, ultimately, JG's reality.

Anyway, he's gone now. And we've lost an incredible, defining imagination and talent.

Obama's First UN Boycott

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The US government, the Obama administration that sparked such hope (and fear, possibly!) in the Middle East is boycotting the United Nations’ 2009 Durban Review Conference, being held in Geneva from the 20th-24th April because the document that is to form the basis of the conference debate, the Draft Outcome Document, reaffirms the 2001 Durban Declaration. The US together with Israel, is being joined in its boycott by a 'coalition of the willing' that includes Canada and Australia.

The Draft Outcome Document was the result of preparatory committees, meetings and conference proceedings involving the entire United Nations – including the US, which had already negotiated major changes to the DOD before it walked. It is based on the 2001 Declaration which resulted from the 2001 World Conference against Racism, Racial Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related Intolerance, that took place in Durban, South Africa. The US and Israel walked out of that conference, although an overwhelming consensus of world governments and NGOs remained and ratified the Declaration.

The 2009 Conference has the enthusiastic backing of the UN, as does the 2001 Declaration: “The outcome document of the 2001 World Conference, the Durban Declaration and Programme of Action (DDPA), which was adopted by consensus, is the most comprehensive and valuable framework for addressing racism, racial discrimination, xenophobia and related intolerance.”

Many people, including Barbara Lee, who heads the black caucus in Congress, have huge reservations about the Obama administration’s decision. Lee has been widely quoted by media as being deeply dismayed: "This decision is inconsistent with the administration's policy of engaging with those we agree with and those we disagree with… The US is making it more difficult for it to play a leadership role on the UN Human Rights Council as it states it plans to do. This is a missed opportunity, plain and simple."

The offending text from the Durban Declaration and Programme of Action, 2001, is not being quoted in any of the news coverage I’ve seen of the US government decision, particularly not outlets such as CNN. So I thought it might be worth finding out what it actually says that is so objectionable that it would spark a walk-out from a major UN conference. The two extracts below neatly sum it up:

Relevant Extracts from the 2001 Durban Declaration

62. We are conscious that humanity’s history is replete with terrible wrongs inflicted through lack of respect for the equality of human beings and note with alarm the increase of such practices in various parts of the world, and we urge people, particularly in conflict situations, to desist from racist incitement, derogatory language and negative stereotyping;

63. We are concerned about the plight of the Palestinian people under foreign occupation. We recognize the inalienable right of the Palestinian people to self-determination and to the establishment of an independent State and we recognize the right to security for all States in the region, including Israel, and call upon all States to support the peace process and bring it to an early conclusion;

64. We call for a just, comprehensive and lasting peace in the region in which all peoples shall co-exist and enjoy equality, justice and internationally recognized human rights, and security;

65. We recognize the right of refugees to return voluntarily to their homes and properties in dignity and safety, and urge all States to facilitate such return;


150. Calls upon States, in opposing all forms of racism, to recognize the need to counter anti-Semitism, anti-Arabism and Islamophobia world-wide, and urges all States to take effective measures to prevent the emergence of movements based on racism and discriminatory ideas concerning these communities;

151. As for the situation in the Middle East, calls for the end of violence and the swift resumption of negotiations, respect for international human rights and humanitarian law, respect for the principle of self-determination and the end of all suffering, thus allowing Israel and the Palestinians to resume the peace process, and to develop and prosper in security and freedom;


The DOD is the document negotiated in preliminary committees and meetings that will set the agenda for the UN Durban Review Conference debate. It’s perhaps interesting that the Obama administration is sending the clear signal that this stuff is not only considered to be alien to its policies and views, but that it’s not even up for debate.

Terror Alert

Image by Paul Keller via Flickr

So our man, let’s call him Paddy, buys a replica AK47, one of those welded ones that trade in the UK across the counter, openly, for around £80 - the Lord alone knows why, but he does.

Paddy takes the gun to work to show his mates on the construction site (in London) that they're working on and colleague Moikey uses Paddy's mobile to take a snap of yer man goofing around with the gun. Fun had, the fake shooter's pushed under a desk somewhere in the site office and everyone forgets all about it.

Paddy, a strangely avid AC/DC fan, manages to lose his mobile down at the pub one night, about three weeks ago, but thinks no more about it as he's busy at work and has to somehow fit in a hectic schedule of AC/DC gigs. In fact, over the next three weeks he travels to Barcelona and Amsterdam to AC/DC concerts and then goes to New York travelling for work.

Unknown to Paddy, there’s trouble afoot. For Paddy's mobile has been handed in to the polis when it was found down at the pub and they've discovered a photo on it of the owner hefting the world's favourite terror/mafia/mad Afghani Taliban gun - the simple, efficacious and eminently reliable Automat Kalashnikova Model 47. And, to their delight, the owner is... IRISH!

Woken up at 5am yesterday morning by an Armed Response Unit storming his house, torches strapped on guns and all, Paddy was, perhaps a little understandably, bemused. But not as bemused as the (mostly Irish) lads at the site were when another bunch of flak-jacketed, gun-toting heavies pitched up at work today in squad of jam sandwiches demanding that the puzzled team ‘Show them the gun’.

Once everything had been made clear, the temperature dropping to something approaching normal and the orange boiler suits and cable ties put away, one of the coppers who had been ‘looking after’ Paddy during his short arrest did admit that Paddy had been a hell of an expensive guy to follow.

Because for the past three weeks Paddy, the happy AC/DC-mad building lad, has been followed around the UK and across Europe by an increasingly puzzled crack squad of Her Majesty's Finest, intent on uncovering the link to Mr. Big, the Real IRA, the rag-heads or whoever else was behind Paddy, the gun-toting heavy from Dublin, Fair City.

They must have been killing themselves tracking a pissed and cheering Paddy through the crowds at those AC/DC gigs in case he was making contact with the rest of his cell, let alone having to chase him on his inexplicable jaunts across Europe and the States. You can almost see Plod getting all excited as Paddy drives through the grey, damp morning on his way to the ferry, his death's-head cutoff with studded bits and faded denims packed safely in the boot and Highway to Hell booming in the car.

"He's on the move, Sarge! He's off ter Amsterbloodydam!"

The whole stupid incident has all been an incredible waste of time, effort and public money. And all this on the day that a German tourist in London was forced by police to delete the pictures on his camera in case they breached security. The tourist, a former professional news photographer, avers the snaps were not only all completely innocuous, many were of his young son.

We’ve all gone mad, people. Quite, quite mad

Radar Speed Traps. Fail.

Image by hugovk via Flickr

The UK is the radar camera capital of Europe with 4,309 speed traps in the country by 2007 – up from 1,571 in 2001. There are over 430 speed traps in London alone. By comparison, Germany has some 3,000 cameras and France has under 1,000.

UK media report that despite the massive rise in fixed radars, the decline in road deaths in the UK has been slower than in other European countries, with the government conceding that speeding is a contributory factor in only 6% of road accidents and a causatory factor in some 13% of fatal crashes.

At the same time, papers like the Daily Mail (recommended reading for people who lean to the extreme right of politics, by the way) report that speeding fines are generating over $200 million per annum.

The UK’s Institute of Advanced Motorists believes that there is too much dependence on radars in road safety – ‘Speed cameras are not the be-all-and-end-all of road safety’, their spokesperson told the Mail.

It’ll be interesting to see where that leaves motorists in Dubai and Sharjah, where the proliferation of both fixed and mobile radar cameras has reached epic proportions. I rather suspect that we’re going to see the innovation eulogised by those responsible for it in a blitz of publicity based on non-independently derived statistics – but that would fly in the face of the clear statistics from Europe which clearly tell us that revenue-generating though they may be, radars are not the solution to road safety.

Fractal Khasab

Geek snap alert! Amazingly fractal image of the Musandam peninsula, including the remote town of Khasab, taken by NASA...

The Falls of Dochart

Image by snappybex via Flickr

At the end of Loch Tay, nestled in the roaring, freezing spring melt-waters of the Falls of Dochart, is the island of Innis Bhuie (inchbhui or any other spelling you fancy). This is where you will find a mausoleum containing the remains of various old Chieftans of the Clan MacNab - it's the last remnant of the swathes of Clan MacNab land around Loch Tay.

To take a walk onto the island, which is protected by an iron gate, you used to have to pick up the key from the sweetshop in the village of Killin. Nowadays there's a visitor centre and you get the key to the island from there.

Not today. The village was filled with fire engines - one of the white pebble-dashed semi-detached houses in the village was spewing smoke from its ruined roof, the blackened spars jabbing up from the top floor as firemen sprayed great coronas of water over the house, spraying the smoking roof of the house next door as they tried to bring the fire under control and at least preserve the other house.

The visitor centre was closed - we were told that the burning house belonged to the lady that runs it. We climbed the wall onto the island instead and stood, looking through the trees and over the roaring green-brown waters to her burning house, feeling terribly sorry for her loss.

Advertising Agencies Tell The Truth

The excellent AdNation website carries the story, based in parts on quotes surfaced by Gulf News on Friday, that now another client is disowning the work submitted to the Dubai Lynx awards by large Middle East agency group Fortune Promoseven - in fact by the group's Qatari operation, FP7 Doha.

If you haven't been following the Lynx story, you can catch up with it on AdNation or Campaign Middle East's blog. Basically it turns out that agency FP7 Doha entered award-winning work that turns out not to have been commissioned by Samsung, which was embarrassed by the work (Depicting, amongst others, a scene of Jesus photographing nuns that resulted in a national outcry in election-tense Lebanon) - from an agency that wasn't even the company's agency!

The Lynx jury is now widening its investigation into the disastrous 2009 awards to look at other agencies' submitted work.

A massive embarrassment for the advertising industry as a whole, this year's awards have made the widespread practice of entering 'fake' work for awards excrutiatingly public. By 'fake' I mean entering advertising campaigns that have not been created for clients, approved by clients or even run in media that clients have paid for.

It all boils down to the advertising industry's unhealthy obsession with awarding 'creativity' rather than real-world campaigns that achieve results for clients. I don't know whether that is a Middle East phenomenon or a global thing, but I can tell you that watching UK advertising over the past couple of days has hit home to me just how 'creativity' is totally lacking in the Middle East's advertising. I'm looking at truly creative, clever advertising that connects with people and is entertaining, challenging and clever - and it's made me appreciate how bad the advertising I see back in the UAE every day truly is. (This point was actually made by a high profile Dubai Lynx judge on his blog - and subsequently sadly retracted).

Of course, it's only FP7 Doha to blame. The rest of the Lynx awards entries will be cleared by the investigating judges because no other agency would have entered work that hasn't run, hasn't been comissioned by clients, approved by clients or even produced for clients that are clients.

Carry on working as usual. There's nothing to be concerned about. As long as agencies have been honest about their entries and put forward 'real' - valid - work.

You have all been honest now haven't you, chaps?

YooKay

Travelling around the UK for the next couple of weeks, I can predict that the service will be erratic for a while blogwise and the content, if any, may become a little UK-centric.

On which theme, if you should find yourself travelling from Dubai to London Heathrow, I'd like to take this opportunity to recommend EK029. It departs at 9:50am, so with a sneaky online check-in, you're looking at avoiding any of those nasty early morning risings to make the airport. Arriving just past 2pm in the UK, you've still got the 'best of the day' ahead of you.

That is the sum total of wisdom and insight I have for you today. You may well want to cancel your subscription...

Hooters

I have wanted to share this for some considerable time now. It's one of my favourite press clippings ever. It's not just that former Hooters waitress Jodee Berry is suing her employer because she was promised a new Toyota for winning the beer sales contest and was blindfolded and led to the car park where they had put a Toy Yoda.

No, it's the look of cold, vengeful fury on her bilked little face that I love. That and the Yoda in her life...

It still makes me smile when I read it...

UPDATE

Thanks to former Alainite Brn, I can now share this link to the invaluable Snopes, which reports that Jodee settled on the matter for a sum that according to counsel would allow her to go to a Toyota dealership and "pick out whatever type of Toyota she wants."

Which is a hoot indeed, no?

Fear

I stole this idea from Gianni. This is the Google Trends chart for Internet traffic from the UAE over the past year containing the word Hope plotted against the word Fear.

Lookity there! That's when we discovered the MEANING of the word fear!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was it that we finally recognised we were in a recession? That the UAE would cop for it as well?

Or is it that fear started the day that Barack Obama was confirmed as the new President of the United States of America - November 5th or point E on the graph above. Did we really start fearing as he brought his message of hope?

Play Nice!

OK, so it's not quite Momentary Awe, but I thought this image of a Snicketeer coming through was much nicer with a touch of equalisation - he's driving past one of two JCBs that reappeared on the snicket yesterday, clearing a wide open strip of sand to the Dubai side of the concrete barrier and reblocking the openings we've been using. The resources that the RTA is willing to put behind this strange and inexplicable action are really quite impressive.

If this were the Berlin wall, it'd be the firing zone. And, you know, it all does look increasingly ugly and Berlinesque.

I'd kept quiet about the fact that we were still getting through in the hope that the RTA would play nice and just ignore the few of us intrepid enough to take the more adventurous crossings that remained, but no, they just couldn't let it go.

So yes, we have still been getting through the snicket and yes, the spirit of desert freedom that is in the soul of the people of the UAE is still in them and they persist in taking this little drive in the sand. And some of it must have rubbed off on me, because I've been out there with them slipping through the barriers and skipping off to work with a little song in my heart at another days' little act of defiance.

And you know what? I don't think this is one they'll win, to be honest...