Search Me!

As many blogging folk will know, services such as the excellent SiteMeter track visits to one’s blog. One of the many interesting (and, many people find, scary) things SiteMeter does is track referrals – which page you came from to get here. So if you googled something and found this blog, I can backtrack and find out what you googled to get here. Having discovered this some time ago, I have got into the, slightly worrying I know, habit of taking a peek at how on earth people found this little backwater of the Web. And the results can be wildly amusing, odd and sometimes just downright unsettling.

I am very proud indeed to be able to tell you that if you google George Bush Colon, then this blog is the first result, thanks to this post. That amuses me in a huge way and I still occasionally remember the fact and break out into random chuckles, which I have noticed does rather tend to make other members of the general public behave slightly oddly towards me.

If you google Death to Modhesh, your first three links are also in this direction. And that tickles me, too – as does the fact that your first two search hits if you google yellow abomination are to this very place too!

Other first page Google search string results that point in the direction of Alexander’s silly blog include lolcats boiled (and no bad thing, either); Masafi (I know, it’s amazing isn’t it?); fake plastic chickens; public relations quotes (is that for real? That nobody else in the world has got anything better to say about public relations than the occasional fatuous reference in this - visited by a handful of people and highly marginal - little blog? Grief!), mimetics and, Fakhreddine Amman. Again, I’m slightly puzzled that such a great restaurant should be represented by idiot features here as the first thing you get when you search for it!

And now we pause for a moment of absolute insanity.

If you google ‘A Momentary Lapse of Reason’, the title of Pink Floyd’s 1987 first album after Roger Waters’ departure, the fourth search result in the Universe is… you guessed it… Fake Plastic Daftblog. The album went quadruple platinum, for gawd’s sake!

The one that worries me is the person that keeps searching for Russian girl face slash. I don’t know why, but that one just nags at me.

The things people google, eh? I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that anyone ever comes here, however inexplicable the road they took to arrive. So now you’re here, I do hope you enjoy your stay. Do wipe the hand basins and leave them as you’d wish others to find them – and don’t forget to close the door on your way out!

It's all in the Name

I have previously referred to the highly amusing letter sent by His Brittanic Majesty's Ambassador to Moscow to his mate Reggie, Lord Pembroke.

Now I have a further Turkish Name Amusement to share thanks to pal Scott who shared this link.

I can't wait for him to become Prime Minister. If he does, it'll presumably be because his name carries with it such a compelling campaign proposition. Scott actually called their campaign headquarters to try and blag a t-shirt, but no dice!

Let Us All Waft Favourable Gesture

Sherif, the leader in the fight against the yellow peril, shared another chucklesome email gem the other day: this time from a job seeker who emailed our man an unsolicited CV. I have to say, Sherif gets a more interesting inbox than I do - you may remember last week's classic contribution from his little inbox of horrors, the promotional email from an event management company that was little short of insane...

The covering email from this chap appears to have been more suited to an applicant for Director of the Brontë Society:

Respected Sir

With due deference and in all obeisance to your exalted organisation, I submit my C.V for your valuable scrutiny and estimation in respect of validity and appropriate merit of my application and your kind disposal in favour of me.

I expect with sanguinary hopes that your benign study of my application may waft favourable gesture and due consideration.

There are, I can assure you, poets out there who are crying tears of blood because they didn’t think of ‘waft favourable gesture’. So much genius, so little appreciation…

Cairene Reflections

Back for the first time in 8 years to this crazy, quixotic, frenetic, noisy, rambling metropolis where Africa meets Arabia. Soaking it all in, delighted by every twist and turn, remembering and celebrating this place that, for two years, was virtually my second home. Dappled light, ramshackle tenements, the placid Nile, scraped and bumped cars, busted sidelights and broken down kerbstones. People: everywhere people, lazing, laughing, running, scowling. Rubbish on the streets, sprawling cables above and concrete cancer eating the facades of slab-sided blocks of flats and the filigreed art nouveau buildings that butt up against them in a dizzying upwards accretion of ages. Everything seems smashed and cobbled together. Here are life’s extremes, rich and poor; sick and hearty, young and old, caught up in the uncaring torrent of traffic and the relentless, pounding tide of humanity washing up against the roads crammed with cars jostling insanely in the orange glow of the dying sun.

My last memory of Cairo all those years ago was crossing the river in a black and white cab, watching a man with his legs severed above the knees beg at the traffic lights, propelling himself on a rickety cart, pushing against the faded tarmac with a stone in his hand. Reaching the other side of the river only to catch a moment of timeless humanity: a good-looking young policeman chatting up a pretty girl, his grin cheeky and hers, cast over the shoulder and flirty, a moment, caught in the sun, of youth and pleasure. That’s Cairo.

Everyone’s on the make, over-eager to grin like a Nile crocodile at the Inglez and take his money. They’re welcome to what little I have, even the blowsy, raven-haired receptionist, caked in make-up and stuffed, like an afterthought, into a uniform bursting at the seams with her bountiful yet grudging charms.

Everywhere you go, you’re ‘Seer’: “Is this your first time in Cairo Seer?”

The Egypt Air Restaurant in the airport hasn’t changed since the 1980s: nothing seems to have moved, not even the display of slightly desiccated yucca plants, their withered leaves more like papyrus than living organism. Perhaps the ceiling tiles are dirtier than they were, perhaps not. As I have so many times before, I sit here and drink a cold beer before leaving.

This time I’m lost in space, looking out of the dirty window and wondering what it is about Cairo, this raddled old whore of a city that I love so much and yet had forgotten that I loved.

Burj Dubai Not Going to Fall Over Shock Horror

It was interesting to see the piece in Arabian Business magazine this week by Editor James Bennett, who got taken up to the top of the Burj Dubai by Emaar’s Peeaars so that his photographer could snap some neat panoramics.

James’ obvious excitement at his vertiginous treat was refreshing. You spend so much time being told that this or that project is cracking, sinking, broken, over-budget and so on that it was a pleasure to read a straightforward Boy’s Own style account of what it’s like to stand on top of one of the world’s greatest ever pieces of engineering.

We’ve had them, of course: the rumours. That the rock substrate was full of caves, that there are cracks in the base, that the water levels are all screwed up. But at the end of the day, the world’s tallest building is still piling on a floor every three days. And it is now, whatever else ye say about it, the world’s tallest building.

And it hasn’t fallen over yet, either.

But then the Burj Al Arab hasn’t sunk or rusted. And the Palm Islands haven’t been washed away. And the airport terminal hasn’t blown over. And and and.

Much as we like to enjoy the vicarious thrill of the ‘They’ve come a cropper on this one, I can tell you…’ story, you have to admit that we haven’t actually seen many of the dire prophecies fulfilled. Or any, in fact.

Which perhaps makes one wonder why we continue to be so interested in, and ready to believe, these little tales of woe to come from Jim whose mate Phil knows a consultant on the first phase of the blablabla project and they’ve bought all the wrong sort of rawlplugs…

Out of Control

Oh dear. I don't seem to be able to stop myself! All sorts of naughty 'Modhesh is Evil' scenarios are unfolding in front of me!!!

It's deep in mid-summer and I need a holiday. That's my only excuse your honour...

Proof that it IS Evil!

In celebration of the 1000th member of the chucklesome Facebook Group: proof that he is, indeed, evil.

Hmmm... I can feel a meme coming on...

PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY

Like many other people who write blogs, I started this so that I could be witty, frothy and generally entertaining. There's little doubt that blogging is, indeed, an adult version of that horrible urge that precocious children have to play the piano or show off your ability to do break dancing in the middle of mum and dad's dinner party.

But I have to hold up my hands and admit that today's post comes to you from a narrative, comedic and linguistic talent that so far eclipses my own pathetic efforts that I bring it to you unedited, unexpurgated (and un-spellchecked!). It was shared with me, for which I thank him deeply and humbly, by pal Sherif The Killer of Yellow Things... It was sent to him, genuinely, as an email...

Dear Sirs and Madams,

Who doesn’t like to celebrate! All moments can be JOYFUL moments … YOU ONLY NEED THE RIGHT TEAM TO HELP YOU CELEBRATE!!!

Summer is here and the heat has drained everyone … But why not find the time to have some fun? Enjoyment & Pleasure is what we can supply you with… from the food to lights & music … from the simplest to the most sophisticated detail … we can plan and deliver all…

- Are you preparing for your WEDDING??? With all your wedding stress do you have the time to plan??? Why not enjoy and relax, while we plan for your wedding?

- From your BACHELOR or BACHELORETTE party … to the smallest and refine detail … we are pleased to do it all for you… To make your night a memorable evening !!!

- Your wife is PREGNANT and doesn’t feel like outing, the heat, the loud music, the cigarette smoke all would be things that bother her… why not do something SPEICAL for her just because you love her… but with a clean environment… and let us take care of the simplest details for you…

- You had a FIGHT with your lover… and you think everything is collapsing around you … why go for a cliché dinner??? Wouldn’t that be something you will expect ??? why not do something extraordinary… forget about the details just have the day to re-fresh and prepare yourself for the makeup night… and we will do it all for you…

- Are you getting a DIVORCE??? Why feel sorry about it??? Enjoy it and celebrate your new beginning??? We can plan your divorce party in way that you will enjoy it even better than your wedding…

- Your wife left for the summer vacation but you are still here working and feeling LONLEY missing her HOMEMADE FOOD… why feel lonely when you can have it all even if you are left alone??? Invite a couple of friends and lets us cook for you and celebrate your loneliness …

- Your best friend doesn’t feel like celebrating his/her BIRTHDAY??? Why not to come with the right plan to make him/her enjoy what was thought it would be a boring night??? We can come up with the idea and the plan and make your friends night a memorable one…

You just past your EXAMS and you think that’s something simple??? No its not !!! its another reason to celebrate… Let us organize it for you…

We at Cateriya Catering Services do it all… from your HAPPY MOMENTS to UNFORGETABLE MEMORIES … From your WORSE DAYS to days that will only be kept as HAPPY reminiscences … We make you forget that you even went through the stress… contact us and we will take care of everything … cause you deserve to be treated like a QUEEN / KING at all times and all occasions…

If non of the above exist and IS part of your life… Than for sure you need us … we will add the spices to your life with planning an unforgettable event for you…

Rendered speechless, for once, I have no comment...

Naked

Gulf News’ report that Dubai now has a Nudist Labour Camp made me laugh until the tears ran down my face. The thought of a number of these blokes making it home from the dusty building sites and then whizzing around the stacked rabbit hutches of the labour camps like the naked bloke with the juniper bushes in The Life of Brian really appealed to me.

It really is time to go on leave, isn't it?

RTA Quote of The Year

No sooner had I finished posting up a grumpy slice of whingeing about Salik than the morning papers landed with their customary 'thud' and with them the news that the new Floating Bridge over Dubai creek was shut yesterday morning for hours, causing massive and widespread chaos and misery on the roads.

Why?

According to Dubai's RTA (Roads and Transport Authority), quoted by Gulf News: "The bridge was closed for about two hours as part of the contingency plan to conduct some technical experiments during the peak hours so as to ensure that the emergency system works effectively using the smart traffic systems."

This is the finest, rarest, premium quality doublespeak. Not even Sir Humphrey Applebey could ever have reached these heights. This obfuscatory blither is the result of the hard work of a truly brilliant team of communications professionals and I salute them all individually and collectively.