Not what it says on the box

Some may remember the mad, frenetic dash to get my first book, Space, to the top of the pile over at Harper Collins' authonomy peer-review writers' website.

The rationale behind authonomy seemed simple enough. Using language like 'Publishing contract, anyone?' (that language has since changed, incidentally, to 'Get Read. Get Noticed. Get Published'), authonomy allowed writers to post up some, or all, of their books and then solicit votes from other users of the site. The more votes you get, the nearer to the top of the pile you get. And if you are a 'top five' book at the end of the month, your book is forwarded for review to a Harper Collins editor.

Now Harper Collins is a huge publisher that doesn't even look at unsolicited, unagented manuscripts. And most unpublished writers would chop off their left legs to get their work in front of an editor (it's a date!) at a publishing house as powerful as HC. The expectation is that if your book's any good at all, you'd get asked for a 'full read' (heavy petting) or even get through to negotiating a contract (you're smoking a fag together by now).

But it turns out that HC was just teasing. I got to the top of the pile thanks to the support of a huge number of people, many of whom were genuinely impressed and amused by, and liked, my book. I enjoyed myself immensely doing it, by the way.

Like other people who've made it to 'the editor's desk', I put a huge amount of effort into it. And don't get me wrong - I've learnt a huge amount from the experience and made some really cool contacts and pals as a result. So for that, I can only thank HC for the site.

But the HC review of my book (next to the gold star on the book page) was slapdash and odd. And many other writers who'd got to the top of the 'greasy pole', as some called it, got the same feeling. Now, over 25 chart-topping reviews, five months, into the exercise, HC has not asked for ONE full read from a writer whose book reached the top, let alone taken anything further to any degree.

Yesterday, HC sent me a note offering me the chance to put my books up as POD (Print on Demand or Publish on Demand) books on authonomy. Soon, according to the email, all books on authonomy will be available as POD books but for now only 'a few early adopters' have been offered the opportunity - and a 'gift' of the first 10 books free.

Working with blurb.com, authonomy will add a button to each book's page, which currently allows you to read the book, watchlist the book or back the book. They'll add 'buy the book'.

Which potentially means that the whole exercise was purely about populating a new POD site with a community of unpublished authors who can now upload their books to sell them, at an unusually expensive cost to the author per book (limiting the profitability for the writer), to people who come clicking to the site.

This was arguably never about publishing contracts or talent spotting. It was never about 'Beating the Slushpile', as authonomy claims in its graphics and claimed in its original 'blurb'. It was about creating a POD site so that Harper Collins could hedge its bets against the 'new revolution' of Internet based publishing and digital publishing.

Worse, the exercise exposes some interesting values from HC and its approach to social websites. At no stage did it share its roadmap with the writers populating the site. At no stage did it seek our input, advice or approval. It just rolled out what it was giving us and we were expected to be pathetically grateful to receive it. All the way to the offer to become a POD book and sign away our rights in return for being part of a huge publisher's experiment.

Many of the writers I know on authonomy are disappointed, upset and angry at the move. It's not why we went there (there are established and, from a profit sharing point of view, better POD sites out there) in the first place. And people feel that while it's maybe not been directly dishonest, HC has hardly been transparent about its intentions for the site and the writers (some 3,500 and more) who have put their work on it.

And HC certainly hasn't been inclusive at any level - in fact, it communicates with the people on the site either through a sysadmin's alias ('Rik') or the alias 'authonomy'. We've never seen people - even the editors who review the books are anonymous. I'm sure HC thinks its being terribly funky and Web 2.0, but it's not. It's missed the first rule of these types of engagements with a community. Foster a community, be part of a community, engage with the community.

HC hasn't, because it doesn't respect that community enough. Lets face it, we're just wannabe's on the slushpile anyway. But I rather feel that it might just find that community pushing back a little now. Many people have had enough of being treated like the carvers in front of Gormenghast - even more so when it's become clear that the Groans don't want any of our carvings.

Someone on the site asked recently, 'Is authonomy a con?'. I'm afraid my answer is 'yes', I feel it rather has been.

PS: HC asked that I keep their offer to myself for the moment. I don't feel able to respect that request.

PPS: Authonomy-topping author Dan Holloway's manifesto for changing publishing is here. It's got some good thinks in it...

Webcam

A Webcam over Gaza.

You can go here and get a tiny little idea of what it must to be like to sit in your building and look out over a city that is slowly being blown back to the dark ages.

A normal looking city. Pretty Jordanian, really, no?

Full of ordinary people. Families. Decent people. Good people. Bad people. Smart people. Dumb people.

You know, people.

They've been living in blockade for 18 months. A blockade, effectively sanctions, that has been more tightly applied than those of Iran or, back in the day, Iraq. A blockade that has been so absolute, it has even included banning media and cutting off supplies of fuel to the only power station. Food is scarce and fuel to cook it on even scarcer. Now the water shortage is starting to bite deep.

So they can only sit by (because there is no work) and watch the black plumes of smoke rising over the buildings, watch the occasional streak of silver in the sky, the rumble and the little puff before the sound wave of the explosion hits. And then watch as the puff turns into black, roiling clouds of smoke that will rise up into the dirty air and smear across the skyline.

Now you can join them. Leave the camera on in a tab so that you can listen to the traffic noise, the honks of lorries and then the crump of high explosive and the sirens that follow it.

Now you, too, can be in Gaza.

Green

I found this NIB in today's soaraway Gulf News (800g):

SYMBOLISM
In recognition of the World Future Energy Summit, January 19-21, Abu Dhabi National Exhibitions Company (ADNEC) will turn its website green to symbolise Abu Dhabi's world leadership in energy production and the importance of the evolving global future energy market.

I was still wiping the tears from my eyes when I remembered something from my session last night over at EMDI, where 20-odd hapless PR and communications students were subjected to an extraordinary two-hour performance of insane gibbering and kazoo playing by your humble correspondent.

You see, I like to go through AME Info and pull random press releases from the site to critique in writing-focused training sessions. And so I thought, well if GN ran this as a NIB, somewhere out there in the great sea of wonder that is the Internet, there must be a press release with more of this marvellous material in it. And so, indeed, there is.

Here, to round off the enjoyment of the many connoisseurs of fine things wot visits this blog, is the quote from that release:

"We are always looking for innovative and exciting ways of supporting the events which are held at Adnec, particularly our most important shows such as WFES. Thousands of people visit our website every week and by turning the site green for the duration of the show we are demonstrating our support to the event."

Turning a website green is innovative and exciting. Oh, good grief. My sides actually hurt.

NB: This blog post has been turned green to symbolise breathless excitement.

Complacent

In a breathtaking display of brass neck, The Emirates Identity Authority has yet again announced that it's our fault we haven't elected to stick needles in our eyeballs in order to register for ID cards.

In fact, an EIDA 'senior official' apparently told Gulf News (650g) that complaceny was visible after GN's report that no fines would be imposed - and that such complacency would 'create problems'.

The website fails, the application application is a joke, the whole fulfilment process consists of asking people to queue for hours waiting for a limited number of appointments to actually make an application to be doled out and then they accuse people of complacency when they decide not to play the game?

The deadline that would absolutely not be extended oh no over my dead body no way José that is so not happening buddy has, of course been extended until February 28th. Emiratis, who started first and who make up a smaller proportion of the population, get more time for some reason - their deadline is the 31st March. And while 80% of expatriate professionals haven't registered, almost 80% of Emiratis, apparently, have. So 80% of us now have six weeks until the next 'we're serious this time' deadline.

Having created a situation where nobody in their right mind wants to go through the pain and frustration of applying, what is EIDA doing? Speeding the process up? Streamlining it? Actually FIXING the broken website so that people can MAKE appointments online as was originally intended?

Nope. It's sitting back and being, oh what's the word? Yes! That's it!

Complacent.

Disconnected

The result of any search performed through Etisalat's seach function this morning: 'Cannot get connection'.

I know the feeling...

BTW: This comes courtesy of pal Derek. I wouldn't dream of trying to use Etisalat's search function myself...

Crock

Every morning I connect my laptop to the wireline network in the office. For some reason I can't get wireless to work at work. Every evening I go home and connect to my wireless network. My not at work network works. With one tiny little 'issuette' every time I use it.

For some reason I have always equated Windows Vista to the voice of Barney the Dinosaur. You know that, 'Heyyy, li'l buddy! Let's have some fuuun!' voice.

So every evening, I'm delighted to be told, 'Heeeyyy! Li'l buddy! I don't see no network! You want I look at the proooblem for you? Huh? Huh?'

I have no option but to press 'yes'. Although I know all too well what the problem is.

'Heeeyyy! Li'l buddy! Lookin' for your problem. Hang on tight! Here we gooo!'

Sigh. I know what comes next. Wait as reassuring colours swoosh on the screen.

Ping!

Heeeey! Guess what? I found your prooobleeeem! Your wireless is switched off! Wow! You want I switch it on for you?'

You switched it off without asking me, you fatuous purple bastard. Yes.

'Cool! I switched it on for you and, guess what, I solved your prooobleeem!'

I hate you and want to see you eviscerated slowly using a blunt, rusty fork.

So the cartoon above really cheered me up no end. I do commend to you following the XKCD site, wot is where I got this cartoon from, daily as it consistently rewards. Thanks to Eliot for the tip!

Goons

I've just taken a 'phone call from a goon called 'Rob' from Dubai claiming to be building a database for British Airways of people who wish to subscribe to "BA's low price offers for Westerners and Europeans".

The colleague who passed the call to me, as most of my colleagues are, was Arab. And so wouldn't qualify.

I think Rob got a bit more than he bargained for when I lost the head with him entirely. That's a racist policy that would, assuming 'Rob' really was calling from BA, have British Airways hung out to dry in the UK media, let alone opened up to action under the Race Relations Act.

Sadly, when I asked to escalate, Rob put me on hold and then dropped the line. Because I'd have loved to have had a few more choice words with Rob's manager, too.

Only in Dubai...

Sammy

Chirpy Freesheet 7Days appears to have started campaigning for the release of TWSFKAS (The Whale Shark Formerly Known As Sammy). The whole thing seems to have been kickstarted by a piece in Friday's edition and has now gathered pace quite nicely.

As all right minded people know, Sammy was a Gulf News (690g) campaign that ended abruptly with the news that the whale shark being held by the bouillabaisse-themed Atlantis hotel was to be released Some Time In The Future.

The fact that the whale shark is a rare, CITES-listed 'threatened species' has annoyed quite a few conservationists, according to the reports. And so 7Days has joined the fray and taken up where GN left off.

Whether its new-found ardour for the story will last remains to be seen. For instance, try searching Gulf News' website for 'whale shark' or 'Sammy'...

Socialite

Here are some ‘social media’ predictions for 2009, just for fun. Why social media? Well, my first prediction is that we’re going to see a lot more fuss about ‘social media’ here in the Middle East in 2009. And the trick there will be sorting the wheat from the chaff – because you’re about to see a load of ‘experts’ talking with great authority on the subject. And, as usual, the expertise on offer will all too frequently be scant. I recently had an advertising agency offer to ‘infiltrate the forums’ on behalf of a client, for instance. That to me is a signal of quite how bad it’s going to get before we settle down and work out who are the practitioners delivering new and insightful programmes using the social media tools that are revolutionising communications practice elsewhere in the world.

So I think we’re probably going to see one or two high profile social media gaffes in our region, quite a lot of weighty pronouncements and agencies rushing to show how they can package their ‘unique insight’ into the social media paradigm for clients. This is what my very good friend Gianni Catalfamo, the uber-geek and European Web 2.0 guru, calls 2.0Wash. Like Greenwash that preceded it, 2.0Wash is when every programme contains a blog, just because, well, they should all contain a blog these days...

In the meantime, I think we’ll see an increasing pressure on regional telcos to stop blocking these social media networks – orkut, flikr and other important components of the ‘Web 2.0’ mix remain blocked. These blocks continue to contribute to retarding our region’s use of some of the most powerful communication tools to emerge since Thomas Caxton started thinking about Ps and Qs.

My final social media prediction for 2009 is that we’ll start to realise quite how powerful the grassroots movement towards using these tools can be. It’s already happened in other world markets and it’s late arriving here precisely because of the blocks. But more people in the Middle East are using FaceBook than read any single newspaper. More people in the UAE are using FaceBook than read any single newspaper. And FaceBook is only one of many, many social media platforms...

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Barry

When brother in law Ritchie asked if we'd mind hosting his sister Breda and husband Barry for a couple of days on their way through Dubai to Ireland and the UK, we readily agreed. Although we didn't know them, any friend of Ritchie's is etc. etc.

The reason they were travelling is so that Barry could say goodbye to everyone, because he was suffering, and had suffered for the past ten years, from cancer.

Now, I'm not very good with that kind of stuff and I can't say that I was looking forward to their visit. As it got closer, I convinced myself that we were in for a couple of days of awful sadness.

And then we picked the two of them up at the airport. Barry started his trip by telling me he'd just carried 40 days' supply of morphine through UAE Customs and nobody had batted an eyelid!!! Given the state of DJ shoe soles around here, I thought that was bloody funny.

I didn't stop laughing, or smiling, for the next 72 hours. Not only were our visitors delightful company, Barry was nothing short of inspirational. Although he'd get the odd twinge of pain in his back and needed to take enzymes to aid his digestion, he was more on top of a disease so chronic that an x-ray of his skeleton showed the cancer was so widespread it was like 'someone had thrown a handful of sticky rice grains at it' than I could ever have imagined. He'd been fighting it for ten years and was still beating it back.

A silver-haired charmer, Barry's face was lined but I could never work out whether they were laughter or pain lines. And it didn't help that he was either laughing or smiling most of the time. You could see the Lothario who swept Breda off her feet all those years ago, and who was still sweeping her off her feet. Full of inquisitiveness, particularly about the many aspects of life in the Emirates, which tickled him enormously, Barry took in Hatta and Mahatta alike with a twinkling, blue-eyed curiosity. His sheer bravery, self-effacing manner and his charm lit up our lives for 72 hours. We were talking about flying to Australia this Easter to go see the two of them.

Yeah, you're right, you do know where this is going.

He died half an hour ago, eight months after saying goodbye.