Strange Searches

Image via Wikipedia

I like to take an occasional look at how people get here to this dusty little corner of the Internet – the results are almost always rewarding in some strange way. There are a number of perennial favourites - I still ‘own’ the immortal nmkl pjkl ftmch and this picture of a plastic chicken is still highly popular – as well as some new delights. And people searching for words like mafsoum, akid and mafi still land here, which is a giggle!



Souks
Keeping this blog going for years has finally paid off. If you Google souks, this moany little collection of near-daily offcuts is number seven search result in the world out of something a little over 400,000 results. Tada! I am now a recognised and leading authority on souks! I shall have a sheriff badge made.

Cow Aorta
If you’re looking for cow aortas, believe it or not, this is the world's number one place to find them thanks to the RTA’s slightly strange looking sustainability campaign trophy thingy.After that, you get about 98,000 scientific journals and things talking about real cow aortas.

Klazart Authonomy
It is amazing to me that anyone’s still interested in this! Gamer Vineet Balla, AKA Klazart, ‘gamed’ the Harper Collins authonomy website in early 2009 by inviting a horde of gamer buddies to vote his book to the top. This resulted in a great deal of authorial brouhaha at the time, but oddly someone, somewhere, is still interested in the incident. Someone also found this here fusty wee blog by searching ‘how to move to rank 1 on authonomy’. I wouldn’t bother, mate.


Someone else also found da blog by Googling 'Eva Bartholdy' which pulled me up short - she's  a character from my first book, spoof international thriller Space (which, incidentally, made it to the authonomy editor's desk and was part of the proof that the editor's desk thingy wasn't really worth it in the first place).

Womin fack animal
Somewhere in the world, a drooling pervert with acute dyslexia got this instead of what he was looking for. And I am glad.

fake indian driving license in Australia
Don't ask me. It lands on this.  I get a lot of fakes - fake cheque books, fake plastic coconuts, fake driving tests, fake numerologists, fake plastic tokens, fake soybean plants, fake windscreen cracks, fake Hiltis and fake camels. Fake camels really does boggle the mind...

people you know and trust are somewhat fake?
Part of the Great Fake Series, this one had a slightly sad and betrayed air to it. Luckily it lands on advice from me of no value whatsoever.


us food is crap
Number three search result in all the multiverse! I'm quite proud of that.  I'm equally proud that hundreds (if not thousands by now) have searched for the ingredients of, or directly for, Pringles and Aquafina - and got to my posts outlining quite how both of these mildly egregious products are manufactured.

Sexy Tweets
Okay, I wrote a post about how to Tweet Sexy.  I wonder if the Googler in question got what he/she really wanted?


nimble 80286
If you persist to the second page of search results you get this, but why anybody would want to search for a diet bread and a processor beats me.

Phillipa Fioretti
Through no fault of her own, people are starting to search for my writer friend Pip and landing here. This won't last as she is soon to be playing in much more stellar company - her first novel, The Book of Love, goes on sale in Australia on April 1 and, of course, I am hoping that it is going to sell like billy-o, thereby relegating her fleeting involvement in this shameful little blog to the millionth page of search results after all those glowing reviews by otherwise hard-bitten critics.

eeste
God alone knows what it is and in which esoteric language, but searching for 'eeste' gets you this post on ve middul eeste pee aar awordes, the title inspired of course by one Nigel Molesworth. Maybe it's the brilliant new name for Vegemite after they dumped iSnack 2.0...

To all of you who have been deceived into coming here because of the strangeness of SEO, I am sorry but there is nothing of much use to anyone here. To those of you that keep coming by for some mad reason of your own, thank you for your visit. Don't forget to wash the handbasin on your way out for the convenience of other guests.

Lobby Lounge Rant

Image via Wikipedia

So I'm in the hotel lobby lounge having a meeting. As usual, I am accompanied (as is increasingly the case) by my notebook and I need Internet access. As usual, access is blocked until I pay the hotel for a password and go through a browser based validation. It's Dhs30 an hour (or a tad over $8). Most hotels sell guests 24 hours for Dhs 100 ($27), but at this rate 8 hours' access alone would cost Dhs 240 ($66). Let us not forget that the Japanese pay $0.27 per megabit per month.

As usual, the lobby lounge waiter tells me that the cards are sold by the business centre. I have taken to pointing out to lobby lounge waiters (or meeting room assistants or rooftop bar cocktail waiters) that I am not sitting in the business centre - I am in the lobby lounge where wireless is provided and therefore it would seem to make some sort of sense that the lobby lounge staff would be able to fulfil a request for that service just as they would a cup of tea or an indifferent club sandwich. It's not a business service any more, people - it's critical to most businesspeople.

I know, I know - I'm just being grumpy. But Internet access is not only important to many of us these days, it is increasingly something we will use on our mobiles as well as our notebook computers. It is increasingly as unthinkable for a service provider such as a hotel to charge for Internet access as it would be to charge for water or light - not only in the rooms but in the public spaces where meetings are constantly taking place between increasingly connected people.

If I can't have free Internet access in the lobby, then at least consider getting me online for a reasonable cost and without forcing a pointless rigmarole involving the business centre and the many permutations of cash payments, seperate invoices and stumbling waiters that invariably accompany the (frustrated) expectation of someone living in the Internet age...

Al Khaleej Strikes Again

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Journalist Anwar Abdelkhaliq, writing in today's Arabic daily Al Khaleej, attempts to once again set the bar even higher with an exclusive scoop interview with the Dubai Shopping Festival. Having previously nailed scoops with Dubai Summer Surprises mascot Modhesh Al Modhesh and the Burj Khalifa, Al Khaleej has certainly cornered the market in celebrity interviews and Anwar today does a sterling job of following in that fine tradition.

The journalist is minding his own business when the phone call comes on his mobile. Wows! It’s the Dubai Shopping Festival on the line! The Festival arranges to meet the journalist on Seef Street at 5pm. The journalist’s daughter wants to come to the interview because her mommy told her about the Festival. The journalist calls the Festival to let it know his daughter will be coming. The area was like a wedding, with people from all nationalities having fun. He looked around to find his Festival friend, describing the music and people, the perfume market antiques market and so on at great length.

The journalist is puzzled. Despite all this fun and laughter, he can’t seem to find his friend the Festival. He puts in a call: “Where are you?”

“I’m next to you!” says the Festival, who obviously has a tremendous and rather coquettish sense of humour. “Follow me to Riqqa Street where I am now – there are thousands of people here who won’t let me leave.”

The journalist is excited at his scoop, the first time in 15 years that the Dubai Shopping Festival has agreed to speak. Along with his daughter he rushes to Riqqa Street. “What’s this?” asks his daughter.

“This is the joy that the Festival brings!” says dad.

“Now I know what mummy meant! But don’t say that your friend didn’t show up! He’s all around us in the fun and joy we see!”

Undaunted, the journalist calls the Festival again in pursuit of his scoop – the first talking Festival interview. “I won’t disappoint you!” says the Festival. “Meet me in Global Village. First you have to go to Jumeirah Beach Walk where my heritage is displayed – your daughter will love it!”

“Don’t worry my daughter! We shall meet the Shopping Festival in Global Village!” says the excited journalist.

The journalist finally meets the Dubai Shopping Festival at Global Village. “Are you ready for the interview?” gushes the journalist.

“Completely!” affirms the Festival.

“Why this place?” asks the journalist.

“Because this is where the Arabs unite – I’m very concerned with Arab Union,” says the Festival. “On this land is where the Iraqi people became one!”

The Iraqis are divided by policy, apparently, but united by Dubai – as are the Lebanese and Syrians in this great mixture of peoples – “This, my friend, is why I came into existence!” says the Festival, using litotes to great effect.

“I owe my 15 years of success to Dubai and its wise leadership and people who allowed me to become such a great event. It is because of Dubai that I am the number one shopping festival in the Middle East. People from all over the world come to watch my annual celebrations awaited by everyone thanks to Dubai.”

Unbowed from following his hard-nosed journalistic instincts, our man yielding the pen that is mighter than the sword throws in a curve ball. “They say you are just an occasion for buying and selling stuff.”

“This is the wrong way to look at things!” Thunders the Festival. “Sure, there are opportunities to shop but I am a greater expression of joy than this, with events every year! I came to tell the world that this Emirate is a land of love and peace and to tell the world that our winning trade is the basis for peace in the world!”

“Where is your daughter?” asks the Festival, demonstrating a surprising ability to make sudden and oblique changes in conversational direction.

“She’s over there playing with a group of friends.”

“Don’t worry, she’s safe – the Al Ameen service provided by Dubai Police for parents’ protection ensures peace of mind!”

The journalist is dedicated, obviously, to putting the hardest questions to the Festival and smacks it round the head with the immortal: “So what do you think of the launch of the Metro and the Burj Khalifa?”

“I see them as the best response to people addicted to rumours. Projects and achievements keep happening – they don’t stop and won’t stop. Days will pass by and I will celebrate my 100th birthday with Dubai’s head high and embracing the sky just as its tallest tower embraces the clouds,” says the feisty Festival.

“Who do you blame for this?”

“To the old people at the wedding who do nothing but talk when our motto is ‘do nothing but work’, I say come to Dubai to see the malls and parks – talk to the people who say that Dubai is in the heart and mind together.”

“Is this why you have talked this year?”

“I was provoked by these people who are blind. Dubai will remain great in spite of them.”

The journalist gathers his papers, delighted at his scoop. And we must share in his delight as we benefit from the wise words of the world's only talking Shopping Festival. That award for great journalism during Dubai Shopping Festival is surely in Al Khaleej's bag now!

Next week: we interview Jebel Ali Free Zone...

Health Warning: This article is an extract from the original Arabic rather than a verbatim translation. For the full effect go to Arabic lessons or get a colleague as talented as Marwa Yehyia to translate it for you so that you can dash down the better bits whilst trying to maintain your composure enough to type.

Crédit Agricole - Green Washing

Sean Connery via last.fm

I have to admit to finding the Sean Connery-voiced Crédit Agricole TV advertisements mildly annoying. The theme is consistent - scenes of awful doomsday industrialisation are played over Sean baby's trademark Shcottish vocal - in fact, he's hamming it up so much that he sounds like a cheap voice-over artist trying to sound like Sean Connery - and then suddenly, with the exhortation that it's 'time for green banking', we're shown 3D animations of some mad bastard's nightmare 'green world' where people are made badly out of polygons and all surfaces are rendered using 1980s graphics technology.

I've been meaning to take a look at the company's website for a while now and find out quite what 'green banking' is. And now I know. It's rubbish.

Crédit Agricole does nothing that any other major corporate wouldn't do. It's got a diversity program. It's carbon offset. And it finances wind farms. That's about it - and pretty much any large financial or other corporate today would be in a position to make similar claims. In fact, Crédit Agricole's own 'green banking' website lays claim to 'green banking' as an 'alternative way to conduct banking business' on the following three pillars:

Its origins. Crédit Agricole was founded by the merger of local banks dedicated to providing finance to farmers. Seriously - this is CA's primary claim to being a greener bank than others. The idea that French farmers are green is mildly interesting given that they're lobbying for the introduction of GMOs and are more agri-industrial than they are cutesy organic homesteads.

Its organisation and culture. There is no reason given on the website why Crédit Agricol's organisation and culture are in any way 'greener' than anyone else's. In fact, there is no reason given whatsoever for any green credentials to be attributed to the bank's organisation and culture. This would likely be because Crédit Agricole's organisation and culture aren't really 'green' in any meaningful way.

Its identity. And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the payoff. Crédit Agricole is green because its identity is green. We're green because we say so is the message behind all of those millions and millions of dollars in international advertising.

Behind Sean Connery's trademark lishp is that one marvellous message. If you've got enough money, you can just repeat unsustainable assertions at your compliant audience and they will eventually come to accept your liesh.

Jusht shay it will be sho and it will be sho...

When Silence Ain't Golden

Image by keira-anne ♥ via Flickr

Well, I was having a nice quiet start to the day when I got a call from La Swann wanting to talk on air about the Burj Khalifa elevator incident and how the communications aspect had played out.

Crisis management takes many shapes and forms, but generally is called for when something happens that is deeply regrettable in some way. Managing a crisis these days is about getting as much dependable information out as you can - fast. By being communicative, you earn the right to get your story out in full - to mitigate the hard facts with some explanations.

I've seen my fair share of these, from explosions and deaths through to recalled products and political screw-ups. Everyone's first reaction is to stick their fingers in their ears and shout lalala until all the nasty people go away. When you've endangered lives, when you've attracted the attention of the world's media, sadly, that's simply not an option - and no professional PR practitioner would consider it as an option for one picosecond.

So what do you do?

In minor and/or simple issues, you'd tend to be 'reactive' - you'd answer questions when they're asked, typically with a prepared statement. Where you've got a major problem on your hands (any issue involving danger to human life being a Great Big Red Flag), you get out there and communicate.

Typically, you'd want to say what happened, how and why it happened, what you've done to ameliorate the effects and how you're working to ensure it won't happen again. Critically, if there has been danger to the public, you have the opportunity to express regret and concern for those affected - and what you're doing to help them deal with the consequences.

Trying to get by with issuing a statement that does not recognise the facts is a short term fix that will rarely, if ever, work - particularly these days when everyone with a mobile is a TV crew. Rather than getting one hard hit with your side of the story told alongside the unpleasant facts, you're begging for a drip feed of stories that are wholly negative.

If you preserve your silence while that negative coverage is breaking, you are effectively positioned as arrogant and uncaring. News expands to fill a vacuum, so your silence encourages investigative reporting which will tend to be negatively skewed precisely because your silence ensures that your side of the story is not being told.

Because today's world is a fast-moving little place, news can globalise in minutes flat. That means having a sound crisis communications plan in place. This starts with imagining the unimaginable, planning for the very worst (including the unthinkable. It's funny how often the unthinkable happens) and then answering the million dollar question - how would we react if this happened?

There are a lot more questions to answer, too. Questions like who do we care about? What are our policies and procedures? Who owns this problem?

You actually need to put procedures in place, define reporting and escalation paths and have a team assigned for the unthinkable. You need to have 'dark sites' in place - websites that can be cut in to replace your standard home page so that relatives, friends and other concerned people can get access to information. You need to be able to scale quickly to respond to requests from media - local at first, but very quickly global. You need to have statements in place, at least in draft, so that you can minimise the time you spend wondering what on earth to say. Where appropriate, you need to have advice lines up fast and other facilities to help people deal with the incident and the concerns it raises with them.

For me, the most valuable part of this whole extensive (and, yes, expensive) exercise is forcing organisations to actually think about the unthinkable - and how it could be avoidable. If more organisations went through this structured process, I believe that more of the unthinkable could be avoided. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get people to take this whole process seriously, by the way. Until, of course, they get that phone call...

Official. I Sympathise With Gulf News

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In reporting the recent 'incident' at Dubai's Burj Khalifa today, Gulf News appears to have gone as far as it felt it could. In the face of unhelpful and possibly even mendacious statements made on behalf of the tower's developer and management company, Emaar, the newspaper has managed to collate a number of eyewitness reports of something having taken place that went way beyond the 'routine maintenance' that we are being expected to believe has closed the observation deck on the tower.

The official statement, quoted by Gulf News is: "Due to unexpected high traffic, the observation deck experience at the Burj Khalifa, At the Top, has been temporarily closed for maintenance and upgrade. Technical issues with the power supply are being worked on by the main and sub-contractors and the public will be informed upon completion."

Gulf News reports eyewitnesses as hearing a 'really loud noise and what looked like smoke or dust coming out from one of the elevator doors' and paramedics being called to the scene. That's hardly the stuff of 'maintenance and upgrade' is it?

Once again, I suspect we are about to see an attempt at obfuscation result in widespread media coverage - the eyewitness reports are stacking up and now social media interest is also perking up quite nicely. GN's story was enough to raise some very real question marks - and now people are going to start looking for answers. They're not going to have to look very far, either.

Geekiness Beirut Outbreak

GeekFest Beirut was truly a wonder to behold. There are photos on the FaceBook page from those what got Twitpicked on the night, and this Photobucket from Fady Nammour gives a pretty good feel for the ‘vibe’ – at a guess something like 120 people streamed into Beirut’s uber-funky Art Lounge to find displays of digital photography as well as the art that literally festoons every space at ArtLounge.

There were loads more GeekTalks, starting with an odd rant from yours truly, going through to an overview of Creative Commons licensing from graphic artist Naeema Zarif (Naeema designed the cool new GeekFest logo, posters and stuff) and cartoonist/blogger Maya Zankoul and then a look at some of the projects being undertaken in Lebanon by the UNDP’s CEDRO, thanks to Elie Abou Jaoudeh.

Ayman Itani spoke on the human/technology aspects of communications, while Elie Haddad’s talk on the potential of mobile applications continued the telecom theme. George El KHabbaz threw a few F’UX into proceedings with his GeekTalk on user experience (that’s what an UX is, folks) and how it needs to be designed in from the beginning of processes (Ha! Tell HSBC that).

Isaac Belot topped the geek charts easily with his in-depth and totally geeked-out presentation of the technologies that lie behind filming in 3D. That one even had the true geeks bug-eyed.

The evening finished with a short, boisterous and totally fun presentation from artiste extraordinaire (and designer of the GeekFest Twitter Icon and, I hope, T-shirts) Joumana Medlej (@CedarSeed). Joumana’s work is stunning, her cartoon strips are brilliant and the auction of a book of her early drawings and development sketches pulled in a fast and furious bidding war to top out at $300 – even the barman got into the act. Yes, there was a bar too and it did a brisk trade at that.

So what was the ‘vibe’ like? Different to GeekFest Dubai, for sure – and I can’t quite put my finger on how it was different. The Beirut guys did a lot more collaboration on many aspects of the event and so there was a wider sense of ownership. There’s no doubt that they’ve had an impact on GeekFest Dubai, particularly with the contribution of the graphic art elements, the ID design from Naeema and Joumana’s iconography.

It looks increasingly likely that there will be other GeekFest events springing up around the region now. And I think that’s possibly going to be very interesting in a number of ways that we haven’t really thought through yet!

Beirut, Beirut!

We are, as my niece would say, 'one sleep away' from GeekFest Beirut and I have to confess to being a tad excited. The building blocks of tomorrow night’s event would appear to be, in as much as they’ll ever be, in place and it promises to be a fun-packed evening of diversity, deep thought, art and expression that is going to be utterly fascinating!

The GeekTalks are starting at 8pm in Room One and include:

The Quality of Disintermediation
A millennium of disintermediation, how technology is challenging the world to change
Alexander McNabb

Creative Commons
Naeema Zarif, Maya Zankoul

CEDRO Sustainability projects in Lebanon
Elie Abou Jaoudeh, CEDRO, UNDP

Our Relationship with Information, past and present, personal and business
How information has evolved and its effect on personal self-expression and business communication.
Ayman Itani, Telephone.com, LAU

What the F'UX?
User experience presentation. Using an everyday object to reflect the online UX and a simple guide to build a good ux. Room 1 The Talks
George El Khabbaz

At the same time in Room Two, there’ll be a rolling digital photography exhibition by photographers Fady Nammour, Toni Yammine, Lara Zankoul and Mherigo Krikorian. Alongside this, there's a TechnoCase going on from GeekFest early adopter Nokia.

At around 10pm there’ll quite possibly be a 3D film presentation by Isaac Belot at BassBrass.org followed by an exhibition of Ten Devil Woman and other work from leading Lebanese artist Joumana Medlej. The evening’s last, but by no means least, ‘happening’ will be an auction of a prototype sketchbook from Joumana's Malaak comic series in aid of @lebfunraising..

Huge props to UNorganiser Alexandra Tohme and to the many people in Beirut who came together around this event in a remarkable collaborative effort. I just know this is going to be very cool.

Oh! And thanks to the lovely website hosting folks Moodeef.Com!

GeekFest Beirut takes place at Art Lounge in Beirut on the 6th February 2010 - you can follow @GeekFestBeirut on Twitter, Facebook or mess around in the Google Group.

Do We Treat Our Taxi Drivers Badly? Hell, Yes!

Image by Qiao-Da-Ye賽門譙大爺 via Flickr

I have frequently posted in the past about my regular cabbie Mr. G and the iniquitous conditions that cabbies work under in the UAE since private cabs were banned and replaced by the taxi companies. These companies have been treating cabbies effectively like indentured labour, fining them huge amounts and saddling them with all sorts of charges and 'extras' that most people out here expect as part of their conditions of employment.

Gulf News has reported on one group of cabbies who have filed a complaint against their employer, oddly enough going as far as to name the company. The report is doubly surprising given the reaction of the company when GN contacted them for comment.

The drivers are complaining that their salary, a nominal Dhs300, isn't actually paid as they're employed on commission and are made to pay over Dhs3,000 for their visa, Dhs 1,000 for their uniform (must be designer brand stuff) and Dhs 26 a day for 'operational costs'. If they don't make a minimum of Dhs 1,200 a day, they're fined Dhs 200. They're complaining that they have to work 12 hours a day and beyond to keep their heads above water.

Given that our safety is in their hands, 12 hour shifts seems dangerous - and I know that Sharjah cabbie Mr G not unusually works 16 hour shifts, 365 days a year.

The company's response to Gulf News was brilliant.

"They work 12 hours, seven days a week because we consider them partners and not employees," Metro's GM told GN, going on to confirm that drivers must also pay for operational costs, which include insurance, plate registration, car cost, car maintenance and for all needed expenses.

The taxi companies are, apparently, 'working on getting rid of signing the labour contract'. Now there's a solution!.

For a company charged with egregious behaviour, unfair practices and treating its staff appallingly to respond with 'Hell, yes!' is pure genius.

We're re-writing the rulebook of PR by the day, folks... By the day...

More Great News for Media. Not.

Image by the_repairman via Flickr

Gulf News carries the story today of the award of Dhs 100,000 to a Saudi Prince in compensation against Al Arabiya TV for choosing NOT to air an interview with him. According to Dubai Civil Court, quoted by GN, Al Arabiya had "failed to adhere to the media code of ethics and breached the nobility and morality of journalism."

The nobility and morality of journalism? Are they having a laugh?

This was the appeal in the case, which went through the Civil Court last year. It is the latest in a number of precedents and announcements that are of concern to media in the Middle East as it tries to perform something approaching a mild version of what an unfettered media would be doing.

According to the GN piece, Arabiya brought Prince Dr Saif Al Islam Bin Saud Bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud to Dubai to record an interview, which it subsequently promoted but chose not to air. The Prince wrote a letter to Arabiya, which the channel apparently ignored. As a consequence, according to the prince's lawyer, the prince suffered "...moral and social damage on the prince's status as a royal and academician. His fame was affected before his family, students and the social circles to which he belongs."

"According to article 293 of the Civil Procedures Law, the claimant is entitled compensation because the defendant damaged his reputation and social status."

The channel's argument that, as the producer and copyright holder to the work, it had the right to do what it wanted with it fell on deaf ears.

The case goes to the court of cassation now, so all is not yet lost, but this is yet another worrying precedent at a time when bad news for media has been breaking here, in Jordan and in Kuwait.

It is by no means unknown for a journalist to carry out an interview and then not run it - newspaper, radio, TV and all. For instance, if the interview is deadly dull (and boy have I seen a few of those) and lacks any content of interest to the reader. Or if it veers so far off topic that the journalist hasn't got enough to hang the piece on. I have also seen interviews not run because events have overtaken the interview and rendered it irrelevant. And, yes, I have also seen interviews not run because journalists have been lazy or daft and generally just goofed it up.

But the right to run the piece or not, to do a news in brief or a double page spread, to be nice about you or to be horrid lie entirely with the journalist. By undertaking an interview, spokespeople sign up to a well defined 'bill of rights' that includes the fact that the interview may well not run and also may well not run in the interviewee's interest. There's a whole load of stuff you can do to try and ensure that you give good interview and so get coverage. But there are no guarantees. None whatsoever. It's a contact sport and only a fool would engage with media without any appreciation of that media and how it comports itself.

At the end of the day, the journalist (and his/her editor) are responsible for providing us with stuff that we want to read/watch/listen to. It's their job to increase their audience by delivering great content. And so it's only right and proper that what content to use when is entirely their decision.

Now we would appear to be questioning that, and it is not good news at all.