Do UAE Driving Test Reform Ideas Miss The Mark?

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The National's position on the doorstep of the Federal Government has allowed the newspaper to quickly carve a leadership position in the UAE's news scene - it's been consistently breaking stories that other papers aren't within a mile of, frequently scooping them on important moves being made or studied.

One such story today is the report on reforms being considered to the UAE's driving test regulations. Possible changes being suggested by consultants include requiring Brits, Canadians and Australians to pass a local theoretical and practical test before they can drive here, requiring taxi drivers to have two years' experience of driving in the UAE before they can drive a taxi and also allowing people to learn to drive, if they wish, with an unlicensed but experienced driver rather than being forced to go to a driving school.

Two of these reforms I totally agree with. The third is ridiculous and unworkable.

The moves are being bandied about by UK based consultancy Transport Research Laboratory, which is advising the Ministry of Interior. TRL, previously a UK government entity, was privatised in 1996 and offers counsel and services based around transport and logistics.

The reform idea that tickled me enormously was bringing in the UK practice of allowing people to learn to drive without being forced to go to a licensed instruction. In the UK, it's quite common for people to learn to drive with a family member, perhaps having a couple of 'top up' lessons with an instructor before sitting the test. These days, newly qualified drivers have to wear a green 'L' plate for a year after they qualify, as well, which I do think is a good idea.

The driving schools are obviously up in arms about that one, because they'd lose their easy source of revenue from giving a million (or whatever the mandatory number is this week) lessons to hapless learners. The standard of instruction (Sarah took some top-up lessons here and was horrified) here is often cited as being impossibly low and close to useless. I have certainly seen learner cars driven with incredible incompetence both with one and two occupants.

So I think that one would be interesting - and probably see the pass rate increase exponentially.

The Brits need a license idea, I support purely on the basis of fairness. It's not fair that we don't have to take a test while other nationalities do. If we are as superior and wonderful as we all think we are as drivers, we should breeze it. An alternative would be to widen the 'no license' requirement to any country that had professional standards of driving qualification and a similar road sign system to the UAE, but maybe that's just me being silly.

However, while I have no problem with British nationals being required to take a theoretical and practical test in the UAE, I cannot fathom the reasons that TRL's Britta Lang gave to The National - “The knowledge of local road safety requirements is quite incompetent. Many people don’t know the road signs and are not aware of the safety requirements.”

That's an unsustainable assertion (unless it's based on extensive research of the knowledge of local traffic signs among those newly awarded with their first residence visa, which I doubt) and an odd one, to boot. The traffic signs in the UAE are based on British signs, using the same colour coding and shapes for mandatory, advisory and cautionary signs. I can think of no traffic sign (please do prove me wrong) in use here that wouldn't be instantly recognisable to any Western driver, except perhaps the 'mind the camels' sign, which would require at least a passing knowledge of the shape of a one-humped ungulate.

In fact, in order to comply with local safety requirements, I have had to learn a number of new skills, including pulling over when the Nissan Patrol up my arse flashes and beeps at me, watching out for blind maniacs with a death wish crossing six lanes of motorway without signalling, predicting when taxis are about to stop on a sixpence with no warning because they've spotted a fare and the principle that swapping lanes puts you instantly in the wrong no matter what circumstances cause the collision, including willfully driving into you because 'it's my lane'.

In order to survive as a driver in the Middle East over the past 20 years, I have had to unlearn pretty much every rule of driving taught to me in my home country. I have no problem sitting a test here. I have a huge problem being told it's necessary because I don' t understand the traffic signs and safety requirements.

But the daftest proposal, and one that showed how outside consultants with no experience of the local environment can go impossibly wide of the mark, was that of insisting that taxi drivers should have two years' experience of driving in the UAE before they're taken on.

It's surely obvious to the most idiotic, drooling incompetent that only employing taxi drivers with 24 months' experience of driving in the UAE is a completely unworkable proposal and should never have made it past the unwise contribution the lippy intern made to the first working group discussion. And why you would propose safety legislation for taxi drivers when every misbegotten escapee from Tora Bora, Helmand and Swat is currently bombing around the UAE in bald-tyred, battered deathtraps hefting tons of rock, shit and cement, passes me by entirely.

In fact, the most sensible proposal in the whole article was made by a driving school owner, who presumably hadn't been consulted by the consultants. Ehad Esbaita, general manager of Emirates Driving Compan, suggested that professional drivers should have to undergo a more rigorous course of instruction and certification and that this would have an instant effect on road safety in the UAE.

I thought that one idea alone was worth everything the consultants had to say and more.

Border Rats

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I am fascinated by the emergence of a new border crossing between Dubai and Sharjah. As you likely know, a 20Dhs surcharge has been levied between Dubai and Sharjah and vice-versa in an attempt to cut down on the problem of cabbies refusing to take inter-Emirates fares. This is mainly because of the fact they have to return empty: Sharjah cabs can’t pick up in Dubai and vice-versa. There’s a certain wisdom in that because if you didn’t have that rule in place, and enforce it with extreme severity, every single cab in Sharjah would be spending all day in Dubai, where the pickings are far richer.

Of that Dhs20, in Sharjah at least, Dhs15 goes to the company and Dhs5 to the driver to compensate him for the inconvenience. The idea goes back to the days when the traffic in Dubai was horrendous and a return to Sharjah would easily take an hour or more. Now the traffic’s flowing, it’s almost irrelevant – but it remains in place. Alongside any small carrot offered to the drives by this surcharge comes a big stick – drivers are fined by the company for refusing fares (as well as a whole rake of other misdemeanours).

Now cost-conscious passengers are taking cabs to the Sahara Centre shopping mall, which sits on the Sharjah/Dubai border and then walking across the short sandy piece of wasteland that dips down to Dubai. There, Dubai taxis are now queuing up to take ‘em to their destination. Problem solved – no Dhs20 surcharge. And, to many people in the Emirates, saving Dhs40 on a shopping or sight-seeing trip is a big deal. The taxis don’t really mind, either – they never made much, if anything, out of the damn surcharge in the first place.

It’s like a sort of dusty Checkpoint Charlie, an exchange of prisoners across the border wastelands – at the weekends and rush-hours, a shuffling horde of surcharge escapees meet waiting cabs, like sand flowing between the marbles of the system.

Now the informal border-crossing arrangement has sprung up, we can perhaps look forward to the growth of a ‘speed bump community’ – some enterprising souls will start flogging candy floss and newspaper twists of roasted peanuts, then they’ll become semi-permanent and before you know it, we’ll have the new border township of TwentyChips.

RTA Renews Licenses Online

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"Hello, RTA."
"Hi. I need to renew my driving license. What documents will you require?"
"You can go to the nearest centre, yours is at Co-Op opposite Safa Park, Sir. You'll need the old license, a passport copy, Dhs 100 fees and an eye test. For the eye test, you need to visit an optician and you will require your passport and a photograph of yourself."
"And that's it?"
"Yes, sir!"

Wow!

How much has changed around here? When I originally got the license (way back when, you don't need to know, right?) it had taken a major internationally co-ordinated effort, the resources of three small Latin American countries and the best part of a whole morning hanging around in hopeless queues, processing paperwork and being videoed in large empty rooms filled with smiling policemen - and that was with the efforts of my powerful sponsor's mandoub.

So off I toddled. I got the eye test from a wiry thin Syrian optician whose hacking cough shook his gaunt frame every two seconds.

"Cover your eye. Read the letters."
"E O N F V W"
"Okay, now cover other eye. Read letters."
(puzzled) "Errm. E O N F V W"
Okay. You pass. Dhs 25.

I went upstairs to the RTA centre and proudly handed over my old license, my passport copy, my eye test (with stamped photo stapled to it to prove I wasn't using Gary Gilmore's eyes) and my Dhs 100.

The nice girl tapped on a keyboard and then smiled pityingly at me.

"You must pay twifty-ten Dirhams."
"Whaaat?"
"Yes," she smiled beatifically. "Your traffic fines. Of course you must pay these."

Of course. All the documents I'd need except one omitted vital element. Luckily, the Co-Op is festooned in ATM's, so one cash scoop and about ten minutes later, I was photographed and in possession of my new license - but short twifty-ten Dirhams.

Now Gulf News tells us that the RTA is to introduce an online renewal service. All you have to do is get the eye-test and apply online by attaching a photo and the fee. The optician can send your eye test direct to the RTA, apparently. And your license gets posted to you in four days.

How will they match the applications with the eye tests without losing them or breaking them? How will they handle the payment of fines given they have no e-payment portal worth a hoot? How will they handle licenses 'lost in the post'? We have yet to find out.

But to be honest, given that the Salik portal still couldn't process online payments by Visa last time I tried (and screwed up the time before that), I'd actually rather go the Co-Op route and get a license in my hands in ten minutes more than it takes to go anyway for the eye test - and get a lovely smile into the bargain.

Funny, isn't it, that the 'old fashioned' physical process is not only safer and more reliable than the online one but also faster. Rather turns one's preconceptions about the transactional Internet on their head...

Radar Speed Traps. Fail.

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The UK is the radar camera capital of Europe with 4,309 speed traps in the country by 2007 – up from 1,571 in 2001. There are over 430 speed traps in London alone. By comparison, Germany has some 3,000 cameras and France has under 1,000.

UK media report that despite the massive rise in fixed radars, the decline in road deaths in the UK has been slower than in other European countries, with the government conceding that speeding is a contributory factor in only 6% of road accidents and a causatory factor in some 13% of fatal crashes.

At the same time, papers like the Daily Mail (recommended reading for people who lean to the extreme right of politics, by the way) report that speeding fines are generating over $200 million per annum.

The UK’s Institute of Advanced Motorists believes that there is too much dependence on radars in road safety – ‘Speed cameras are not the be-all-and-end-all of road safety’, their spokesperson told the Mail.

It’ll be interesting to see where that leaves motorists in Dubai and Sharjah, where the proliferation of both fixed and mobile radar cameras has reached epic proportions. I rather suspect that we’re going to see the innovation eulogised by those responsible for it in a blitz of publicity based on non-independently derived statistics – but that would fly in the face of the clear statistics from Europe which clearly tell us that revenue-generating though they may be, radars are not the solution to road safety.

Dubai Sharjah Block Offical

The RTA has finally officially owned up to blocking the rush hour short cut through the desert between Sharjah and Dubai in today's Emarat Al Youm, which carries a story on the blocks.

Many of you will by now know this as 'the snicket' having read about it here. Oh! And here and here and here, too! Let alone here, here or here! In fact, I realise that I've been writing about the snicket since here back in May 2007!

Well, now they've apparently told Emarat Al Youm that they've blocked the desert because of the large volume of traffic that used the snicket. I must have missed those large volumes clogging up the roads because I never once saw the snicket causing a jam or any other disruption to the traffic until they started blocking it - apart from some tailbacks caused by some ill-considered temporary speedbumps that had been placed before the roadworks on the Dubai side which are now, in any case, complete.

According to the official quoted by EAY, they've done it for our own safety.

That's interesting, because the only explanation I had heard for the move before was some flibble about buried electrical cables.

I didn't see a single accident on the snicket until I started seeing cars that had smashed into the concrete blocks they had put just over the other side of sandy hillocks or that had torn off bumpers or caused other damage trying to get through the blocks.

But it's nice to know we're safer now, anyway...

Snicket Watch

Three new routes through the barriers open up over the past 72 hours, all three blocked by the unseen hands of evil during the day today. But some wag finds a weakness and we all get through again.

All your base are belong to us! Ha!

Yes we can!

Does anyone know who's trying to block the desert stretch between Dubai and Sharjah? It's really most odd that anyone would go to these extremes just to stop a few people in 4WDs taking a short-cut.

As I've mentioned before, there are extensive earthworks out there right now that look more like trench warfare than a few hundred yards of sandy snicket - ditches and high piles of sand interspersed with a huge number of concrete barriers that stretch for kilometres along the Sharjah side of the border. Every day someone finds a new way through, every day the JCB moves in and either piles huge heaps of sand or dumps a few more concrete barrier blocks on it.

But we're still getting through. For now. It's become a source of perverse satisfaction to beat 'em, to tell you the truth...

Blockheads

I have posted a number of times about the sandy snicket that affords relief to intrepid 4WD-owning commuters bypassing the Sharjah-Dubai traffic. Here, for instance. Or here, here and this memorable moment here on the day I caught one of the employees of Dubai's beloved traffic regulator, the RTA (Road and Transport Authority), who regularly use the snicket to escape the chaos they are at least morally partially responsible for.

And then they started to try and block it. Quite who 'they' are remains a mystery. The increasingly insane attempts to block the short cut have meant that this small stretch of inter-Emirate sand is now littered with concrete blocks, barriers, quite extensive sandy berms, trenches and a constant flow of people insisting on crossing anyway. We're a hard lot to stop when we've got an alternative to sitting on the road for 2 hours jostling with every other poor sod on his way to work. (My other alternatives are, BTW, move to Dubai or ship out. I'm not doing the National Paints Shuffle or the Ettihad Road car park every day. No way.)

It's been quite fun, in its way. Seeing the new set of obstacles every night and then finding a way around them really does mix a little fun, a smidgen of winding down after the day adventure and perhaps even a splash of eff-you rebellion.

But it's getting beyond a joke now - the entire stretch is so built-up, blocked off and messed around that people are really damaging their cars trying to get through. The sand's soft, the driving's technical and 9/10 of the border rats are getting stuck. As of today, with the addition of a new set of barriers and impediments, there are only two possible ways through and both are 'difficult' drives.

And I am damned if I will let them win. Whoever 'they' are.

Damned.

Somme

It's become a battle of wills, the War of the Snicket.

The sandy short cut between Eastern Dubai and Sharjah has been dug up on the Sharjah side, trenches laid across all the accessible areas and earthworks pushed up either side of them. Another tranche of trenches were added to the open desert areas yesterday and sand piled up against any breaks in the fence With the berms and trenches snaking through the landscape, it looks more like the Somme than a short cut out there.

But there were a couple of routes through last night, a group of young nationals camped out by the more difficult pass, whooping with delight when people got through and waving encouragement when they got into difficulties. I must say watching a Hummer get into a stuck is quite impressive: it's the weight of the thing, a massive, slo-mo belly-flop.

There's a certain spirit to it all, a sort of "We've got a short-cut and you're not gonna block us!" indefatigable defiance. They can keep on piling up sand and digging trenches, but you'd be surprised at what a good 4WD can do in careful hands. Quite who is behind this is a mystery, though. If this is the hand of officialdom, surely a couple of bad-tempered coppers and a book of tickets would achieve in a day what this comedy has failed to achieve all week. Although I'm not sure that a 'driving on the sand' charge would stick, would it?

Having said that, the car workshops will be having a field day this weekend. There are an awful lot of car parts sticking out of the soft sand these days as tens of cars get bogged down or screw up in their quest to stay out of the long lines of traffic that glitter across Dubai and Sharjah every morning and evening.

Trial

I’m sorry to go on about the traffic, the last resort of a blog scoundrel, but I can’t help it. It’s been a fact of life ever since we first moved out to the Emirates, back when the Sharjah/Dubai road traffic could get so bad that you could be held up in queues for at least 15 minutes. Scandalous, eh?

But today’s traffic. Now, that’s really traffic. We’re talking about two hour bumper to bumper snarl-ups that are starting at 6am and lasting 3 or 4 hours. Aggressive lane-swapping, frustration and general bad-temperedness make the whole process, for those that endure it, a twice-daily joy. It’s the world’s ‘Dubai talking point’, although poor old Sharjah is fast eclipsing Dubai for sheer traffic hell, despite the RTA’s efforts.

Now Sharjah Police has closed the exit from the infamous National Paints roundabout, forcing any traffic wishing to exit the Emirates Road at that point to take the Mileha Road, which is already partially blocked by roadworks and reduced to a single lane. This then feeds up through the Univesity City, a road restricted by frequent large speed bumps. An alternative is the U-turn in front of Sharjah English school and the feeder road that goes from the previous Emirates Road junction through the industrial area and past the school. Result: a school mired in awful, dangerous levels of confused traffic. It was madness as people tried to muddle through, jostling for some way to get back to their route home.

According to Gulf News’ story on the move today, it is a ‘trial’ to ‘estimate traffic movement’.

So it was ‘a trial’ to see what would happen if you closed the congested National Paints roundabout and re-routed the traffic through roads themselves blocked by roadworks.

An experiment.

I wonder what’ll happen if I bash myself on the head repeatedly with this large meat tenderising hammer? *whamwhamwhamwham*. Interesting. It appears to be causing not inconsiderable pain...

Am I the only person around here thinking that perhaps if they had told people they were going to do this first, if they had proper signage announcing and directing the diversion and if they had announced the move to the public with an awareness campaign, then the initial consequences would have been at least slightly less traumatic?

National Paints is a fine company and its products are most excellent. But avoid its roundabout...

Revenge

The sandy snicket that provides daily relief to hundreds of 4WD owners dragging their sorry asses between Sharjah and Dubai was blocked over the weekend. Piles of sand, cones and tape and trenches have been placed across the open areas of sandy hillocks between the two emirates. Many people only found out about it on their way in to work today. And golly, was the result impressive or what!

The whole area was reduced to a scene of the most marvellous chaos you have ever seen in your life. Cars all over the place, more stucks than the Gulf News Fun Run and an incredible, huge collection of frustrated, pissed-off people bashing about in an area of increasingly churned-up, soft sand.

So that's a couple of thousand more cars joining the daily car parking fun on the Ittihad, Emirates and Dubai by-pass roads. I can't see what harm they were doing using the snicket, but who's to question the unseen hands that have decided to cut the short cuts?

There's no chance this had anything to do with me outing the guy from the RTA who uses the snicket is there? No? Oh, OK. Good. I wouldn't want that on my conscience...

Jams

It's constantly building - jam today and more of jam tomorrow...

There’s an awful lot of talk about the traffic in Dubai, but next door things are quietly getting pretty damn grim.

The closure of the middle and upper stretches of Sharjah’s main road, Al Wahda Street has been accompanied by roadworks on, as far as I can see, pretty much every major road in the city – particularly those leading East. There are major diversions in place on Book Roundabout (Officially Cultural Square, because as eny fule no, roundabouts are square – at least they all are in Sharjah), the road that connects with Dubai’s Beirut street, the Ajman road (and the connecting road past Swiss Cottage/the Al Owais Majlis) and the roads past the vegetable market.

The result has been absolute chaos, particularly in the mornings. Here’s the rub: when you ‘plan’ a city so that all the schools and universities are located outside the main city, to the east, you may want to think about having some roads open that lead - errr – east. But there’s one. A single, sad little road. The route in question, the Dhaid road, has been expanded (it took ages) to become a three-lane highway. But that’s nowhere near enough to cope with the volumes of traffic it’s being asked to handle right now. It’s the major, and only unencumbered, access to the Emirates Road, the 611, the airport and to the Universities, as well as to anywhere in the interior and the East coast.

The only alternative road, the Mileiha Road, leads from the Emirates Road at the infamous National Paints roundabout, so it’s pretty much inaccessible for much of the morning due to the massive volumes of traffic clogging up the entire road network around that area. Including all the saps that bought the Ras Al Khaimah '45 minutes from Dubai’ line. And there are roadworks on that road, too!

If something happens, then, on that one clear road East (which is fast clogging in multi-kilometre snarl-ups up of its own accord as early as 6.15am and getting earlier daily), the consequences are disastrous. We’re looking at people spending two hours and mlre in traffic before leaving Sharjah: schools where classes aren’t starting until an hour after they should because parents aren’t able to get through the snarling, aggressive lines of awful traffic and at multi-kilometre tailbacks that make the Ittihad Road look attractive.

And then, compounding all this, we have the added delight of Sharjah’s drivers. Arguably Less rigorously held to account than drivers are next door, these boys just love the hard shoulder, push their way around using sheer weight and will instantly create six lanes of traffic at any point whenever two lanes are narrowed to one. And because the Dhaid road leads to the University, you can chuck in a couple hundred FJ cruisers driven by hotheads with dangerously high testosterone levels every morning, too.

Nope. You lot in Dubai have got it easy, right now.

Traffic

If you've got a 4WD, there's a sandy snicket between Sharjah and Dubai that lets you miss all that nasty, snarled up traffic in the mornings; the roadworks, the congestion, the Salik gates and all that other 'orrible commute to work unpleasantness that are part of the miserable day for thousands of people.

I've been waiting to snap one of these boys for a while, but I got 'im this morning.

It's bad isn't it, when even the 'solution' has to avoid the 'problem'?

(Note for puzzled non-UAE residents: the logo on the car belongs to Dubai's traffic regulator, the RTA...)

Stealth

With the car in the shop and Al Habtoor getting ready to take a significant chunk out of me in return for the usual skimdisksreplacebrakepads experience, I'm travelling to work this morning with Mr. G. and about a million other poor bastards. Sharjah is gridlocked and there are roadworks every which way you go. It's madness. However, it's an ill wind and all that - a two hour journey gave us plenty of time to catch up on the arms trade (Pakistan is apparently awash in Rs10,000 AK47s, compared to an ex-factory price ten times that), murdered Lebanese starlets and, of course, what's new in taxi-land.

Although I thought, given the number of conversations I've had with Mr G. on the subject, that I had a relatively good grounding on the iniquities of the transport companies, I didn't know, for instance, that the drivers are forced to go to the taxi company's own garage for minor repairs and pay for them themselves at rates fixed by the company. As the company garage is operated as a profit centre in its own right, drivers are finding that these simple repairs are coming with a pretty hefty price tag.

This, surely, is yet another classic example of the fact that these drivers are, in fact, indentured labour.

Mr G is also quite gleeful with his new mobile: operator Du apparently gave the taxi company 1,200 SIMs for the drivers and Mr. G. is delighted at the per-second billing as he makes a load of short duration calls such as 'I am outside the villa now, Sir' and the like.

Personally I'm less than impressed with this stealth marketing. Not only are they giving the damn things away now, they've kiboshed the Du Test with my taxi driver!!! Grrr!!!

Death

Sharjah's Al Wahda Street. It used to be where Dubai came for the night out, you know. Honestly. It was a really kickin’ place by night – even today, its cellars can tell some stories from back then. After the big change in Sharjah, Al Wahda Street had to fall back on its other trade – being a second Beirut. During the civil war, so many families made their homes in Sharjah and Al Wahda Street was where they loved to live, eat and shop. There were classics: Red Shoe, Old Shoe, Bird, Valencia, Penguin – mad shoe shops, sharp suit shops: tailors that called you ‘Seer’ and knew what they were doing and more slicked back hair and Lebanese shop assistant attitude than you could shake a stick at. Everyone used to ‘do’ Al Wahda Street for clothes and stuff. It was just class – Al Aroubah Street was always Indian, all saris and souks, but Al Wahda was where you’d do the maddest Mediterranean magnificence.

At one stage in the '80s, some wag produced a spoof UAE job application form. It was one of those things that plays on the various nationalities that make up the 'entrepot' that everyone used to go on about so much. You had to tick your nationality and give your address. If you ticked Lebanese, it directed you to the question, "Where on Al Wahda Street do you live?"
It was funny because it rang true - Al Wahda Street was always a Little Lebanon. And that's what made it wonderful.

Shopping on Al Wahda Street was just a total pleasure; it always rewarded an evening’s wander, dipping into the stores, dropping by at Al Mallah for a shawarma or fatayeh and maybe a jooce cocktail. It was always part discovery, part entertainment – flashing neon lights and amazing, flashy fashions. And during the very height of the civil war, it was a place where a community in diaspora still lived as if nothing was happening, as if their families weren’t sitting in the cellars listening to the crack and thud of gunfire above and living off cream crackers or whatever else they could get their hands on that day. Somehow, Al Wahda Street's zeitgeist was to escape the civil war but was of it. It’s sort of complicated.

And now it’s gone. Dead. A few sad, gasping vestiges of what was life and drama, laughter and celebration still remain, but they won’t outlast the roadworks. The traffic problems and then the sliproad started the rot, the parking metres confirmed it as a rot. Now the Wahda Street Masterplan Phase Four or whatever they’re calling it has really screwed things. Wahda Street is dead, extinguished by a strange and cack-handed attempt to do something, anything, with Sharjah’s traffic.

In the meantime, possibly the strangest and most dangerous diversion in the country now takes traffic from Dubaiwards up through the backroads between Al Wahda Street and the Industrial Estate: the mad two and three and two lane route snakes past shops and workshops, godowns and sideroads. Men on bicycles career around the corners, cycling against the traffic and groups of shalwar khameeses scurry across the road as the cars try and work out what they’re supposed to do in the face of a total lack of road markings and signage, let alone lighting. There are few barriers and those that are there have come askew. It’s a Wacky Races alleyway of death through the backstreets and someone’s going to get hurt pretty soon.

Is this really the best thing to have done? Is this really the apogee of urban planning? I really do wonder...

Trucked

The scenes outside our local ADNOC have started to become apocalyptic: a line of 45 buses stretches out onto the sand-roads behind the petrol station, blocking access to our house from the main road: the line of trucks on the other side stretches out just as far, curling into a strange mandala of decorated, jangling, garishly painted flat-backs. We’re looking at well over 100 vehicles stacked up for the final approach to cheap diesel: Dhs10 per gallon less than Dubai’s filling stations. For a lorry with a 100 gallon tank, that’s a lot of Mars Bars. Every ADNOC’s the same - a line of waiting diesel consumers stretches around the back, down the road - any which way they can, really!

Lugubrious taxi driver Mr G says it’s because Dubai won’t buy refined product from Abu Dhabi and insists on importing the stuff. Interesting, the thought that this could all be down to a sort of family squabble.

Whatever the reason (and we have been rather short of investigative insight from our trusted ‘analogue’ media sources on that one, so Mr. G.’s speculative take is the best thing I’ve heard), the insane queues continue. It must be awful driving one of those orange tankers queued up outside Dubai Shitty City: ten hours to dump your load and then another five hours to fill up with enough diesel to get through the next day.

Paying Salik would be a relief for them: in fact, I could afford to let both queues cross Salik at my expense and still have credit left over, thanks to the muddled administration of the toll that likes to say ‘It’s not our fault our system doesn’t work’...

Silence from the RTA continues. Gulf News' report on Salik's failings today just makes me feel even better about my chances of recovering the money they took as a result of their screw-up.

GnnnnnNNNNN!

Taxi

Right. Here comes a question I've been meaning to ask everyone I know for a while now...

What is WRONG with ‘illegal taxis’? The Dubai Road and Transport Authority (RTA) has been insisting on car poolers jumping through hoops of fire whilst visibly chewing on photocopies of their grandparents buttocks so that they can stop the societal evil of illegal taxis. But the very reason for a market developing in illegal taxis is that there is a clear and unfulfilled market need. Whatever happened to ‘laissez-faire’ – the attitude that built Dubai?

Nobody sensible would take an illegal taxi in a market where there were well-regulated legal taxis that offered a prompt, clean, efficient and pleasant service at a reasonable price. But if someone wants money for a ride and I'm willing to pay it and be outside the regulated environment, then that's my lookout – my risk and my choice to make. The better the ‘regulated’ taxis, the less likely I am to go ‘unregulated’.

If the regulated taxis were a bunch of irresponsible, rude, self-serving bahoos that won't pick up fares, won't travel to a range of places, won't abide by the regulations, don't know their way around and generally try and fleece all and sundry, then I'd be very tempted to do the unregulated thing. Particularly when trying to travel in difficult traffic in what must be growing into one of the world’s most hellish rush hours – an experience unrelieved by the existence of any viable public transport. Particularly cross-Emirate public transport. Because if there were a cost effective viable public transport option, punters would surely be taking that rather than an unofficial taxi! No?

So the very market for unregulated (‘illegal’) taxis is created by the inefficiencies of the regulated (‘legal’) market. If there’s a market in illegal taxis, it’s surely a clear sign of failure on the part of the RTA, isn’t it? Or have I got this all wrong because I’m not a ‘traffic expert’?

Informal markets exist when formal markets fail. And most formal markets start as informal ones. It’s called innovation!

Using regulation to stifle market innovation is something that we've seen before (Skype), but it don't make it any the less ugly...

Toll

I can see bloggers' keyboards melting down today: the news that two new Salik gates are to be installed is virtually guaranteed to get 'em going. Well, it's certainly done the trick for this one, as you can see!

The news comes on a busy front page for Gulf News, which is more than usually lively. Kylie's 40, Suu Kyi's shameful detention is to continue, a new Bond novel has been written by Sebastian Faulks (and launched with a bonkers, brilliant, publicity stunt), Bahrain has decided to stop issuing work permits to all Bangladeshis following the murder of a Bahraini by a gentleman of that nationality and a Dubai nightclub is to operate a 'you're in if we like the look of you' door policy (and the difference is...).

What larks, Pip!

But it's still Salik that tickles me pinkest. The new gates are part of the second phase of the Salik system, Dubai Roads and Transport Authority (RTA) boss and 'traffic expert' Matar Al Tayer told Gulf News and anyone else who happened to be listening. This is the very second phase that Al Tayer dissembled about when asked about future plans by media back in January: a second phase that clearly had always included more toll gates. Why on earth the RTA cannot clearly and simply communicate what it is planning is beyond me.

One of the new gates is an additional gate on the Sheikh Zayed road, while the other one will add a charge for the Al Maktoum Bridge: the bridge that most people use to avoid the Al Garhoud Bridge Salik gate. Having effectively forced traffic onto Maktoum, the RTA now notes that Maktoum is busy. They really are clever little bears.

Part of the announcement appears to be the undertaking that motorists will be charged only once for passing through the two successive gates on the Sheikh Zayed Road. I'll be interested to see how they implement that one. Will you have a time limit to cross the two gates for no additional charge? And what happens if there's a crash and you're held up?

Gulf News reports that the reason for the second gate on the Sheikh Zayed road is that people have been driving around the original gate, another piece of human behaviour that has apparently surprised the RTA. The new gate is, we are told, "the only solution" to the problem. Although an alternative solution would be to resite the Barsha gate, no?

There are more gates on the way, for sure. Except the RTA absolutely refuses to be transparent (let alone consultative) about its plans and our media appear unwilling to get to the facts. One journalist I know who chatted to Al Tayer following an interview some time ago says he was told off the record that it was Al Tayer's goal to increase the cost of car ownership in Dubai to Dhs 10,000 a year. If it's true, that surely needs to go on the record.

I suppose I'd better do a Salik Talking T-Shirt now...

T-Shirt

The art of conversation is a difficult one to get right. Being interesting is something we all frequently fail at and this is nowhere more true than at social occasions such as parties. I have found myself increasingly engaged in conversations that I simply don’t want to have any more, simply because the topic has been boiled to death so many times previously that it seems pointless to once more go through the weary motions. And so I have invented the Talking T-Shirt. All you have to do is download the PDF file attached at the end of this link and print it out onto T-Shirt transfer film. Then iron the transfer onto a plain white T-Shirt and you will never, ever have to talk to someone at a party about Dubai traffic again. Just point at the T-Shirt and conserve your energies for the pursuit of that Brunette from Barsha.

No, no, please. No thanks necessary. I consider it a public service...

And now, thanks to NZM, the blindingly obvious (to NZM, not to me!) solution of a JPG file, so you can click on the pic below and print out from that if you don't want to go linking externally to PDF files!

Rotters

I've moaned about the radar rotters on the Academic City road before. They're a real pest: an unfair speed limit of 80kph on a two-lane stretch of unencumbered blacktop means it's littered with cops and their radar cameras. It used to be just the one of them, but now there are several and they're almost always there - it's got to the point where traffic slows down near anything stopped on the hard shoulder.

You could argue that we should all be observing the speed limit, but it's such a silly speed limit - it's actually hard to drive through a desert highway at under 100kph. And I found out why today. A five-year study by the American Federal Highways Authority "found that the 85th percentile speed-or the speed under which 85 percent of drivers travel-changed no more than 1 to 2 mph even when the speed limit changed 15 mph." In other words, the average driver calculates the safe speed of a road and drives at that speed, almost irrespective of the speed limit. So an unnaturally low limit (the Academic City road, for instance) results in making otherwise safe and responsible drivers technical violators.

This, of course, doesn't concern the radar rotters - they're making loadsamoney! These cameras can notch up some serious money, babba! And watch out for the new fines - they can get really high - particularly when you're catching people doing 120kph in an 80 limit because they're driving down an open desert road with nothing but sand dunes all around them. That's Dhs500 a time!

Which must explain why I am exposed to wide-pattern squidges of radar anything up to ten times on my way to work every day - and never less than five. That's up to twenty exposures to a 200m spread beam of radar every working day. There's no proof this is bad for you. But there's no proof it's good for you, either.

And there is a great deal of evidence that radars aren't the solution to bad driving, that accident figures don't reduce with the use of radar and that, in fact, radars can contribute to higher rates of certain types of accident.

And no, just in case you're wondering, he didn't catch me. I slowed down in time.