Piers Morgan on Dubai

I sat at a table in Jumeirah's Lime Tree Café, two anxious looking chaps from the production company facing me.

"So. Will you do it?"

"Look, I know Piers. I've worked with him on his media relations here. He'd burn me for thirty seconds' good TV. I do recognise that."

"No, no, no. You don't understand! Piers has changed!"

That made me belly laugh. I've been laughing about it since.

Piers Morgan is the famous former Daily Mirror editor who was sacked after a splash he ran about British soldiers allegedly abusing Iraqi prisoners was rubbished by the authorities. One moment he was a successful editor and public figure who'd do tea with the Blairs, the next a jobless has-been; Morgan picked himself up from the floor and has built a new and highly successful career in TV. The whole story is documented in his excellent and frequently wickedly funny memoir, The Insider: The Private Diaries of a Scandalous Decade. Love him or hate him (and, like Marmite and Clarkson, he polarises opinion), Piers came through the experience stronger and with a definite sense that he's seen the worst they can do to him and to hell with them all. I quite like him for that.

I did, in the end, agree to appear in Piers Morgan on Dubai. Filmed in luscious HD, the program looks at the glamour and fun of life in Dubai. Why on earth they wanted to talk to me (unglamorous and unfun), I don't know, but I thought it would be a chance to balance some of the egregious erks they'd undoubtedly pick up on with something at least down to earth.

Anyway, I'm a tart like that.

We drove out into the desert, a mirror-mounted camera filming me responding to our man, sitting in the back, asking questions. As we drove up into the dunes, Piers teased me about wasting my time driving around in this big sandpit. And then, as we flipped neatly over the crest of the dune and sailed down the leeward side into a huge bowl, you should (depending on the caprices of the editing room floor) hear Piers saying something like 'Erk!'.

Having just recovered from the not inconsiderable injuries sustained when he fell off a Segway, Piers didn't take very well to offroading, I have to say. It was quite an effort to get him back into the car once we'd got out to film an interview in the dunes.

We talked about stuff like groaning infrastructure, media freedom and blogging. To be honest, all these weeks later, I can't quite remember what we talked about. But at the end, Piers pulled a trick in response to my assertion that I had never been 'yanked' by the authorities for blogging - he nodded behind me and told me to look at the two guys from the Ministry of Information coming over the dunes behind me. I didn't, so he repeated it. I turned round and thereby gave them the ideal shot to end the piece: cut well, it'll look like I'm turning around in fear.

That's TV, I'm afraid. If that's how they cut it, that's fine by me. But it ain't the 'truth', folks.

Anyway, if anyone sees it on ITV tonight, please do feel free not to tell me all about it. Oh! And the production company still owes me a quid...

Bookworm

If any of you have been at all interested in any way whatsoever about the stuff I've been posting regarding Harper Collins' authonomy, then you might be interested in this guest post on Eoin Purcell's blog.

Everyone else can just carry on as normal. There's nothing for you to see here. Move along, now. Move along.

Snicket Watch

Three new routes through the barriers open up over the past 72 hours, all three blocked by the unseen hands of evil during the day today. But some wag finds a weakness and we all get through again.

All your base are belong to us! Ha!

No Shit, Sherlock

Today's edition of The National carries the stunning headline, 'Property Adspend Plunges'.

WTF? OMG!

We all love a downturn story, right? But when you pass filler ads crying out for you to call the outdoor company as you drive down the Sheikh Zayed Road and spot gigantic billboards on the way up to Mirdif begging you to 'advertise here', you can maybe get the inkling that we may be onto a trend here.

Gulf News (700g) is down to almost half its 2008 pagination, while the (700g) refers to its weight today compared to the 1.3kg weight of GN and its regular advertising supplements in November last year. Al Nisr's 'Property Weekly' is down from a December 2008 156 pages and a 54% ad/ed ratio to 84 pages and a 41% ad/ed ratio. They're pulling in something like 49 pages less a week in advertising. And December was weak for the magazine, which was pushing higher paginations earlier in the year.

And you need a bloke from PARC to tell you that property advertising's on the way down? Do me a lemon, guv!

“Before, papers were more than 120 pages, with a lot of advertising, but now all of this is reduced,” PARC's Mr Jichi told The National's Keach Hagey, throwing caution to the winds and baring his soul in a mad, confessional moment.

Memories of 2008. The sound of air being sucked through teeth and quiet, confident laughter: "SZR circuit, mate? You alright to wait for six months? That's for the premium payers, like. If you want standard rate it could be a year or more. Of course, if you were feeling generous, if you know what I mean, we could maybe get it down to five months and a bit, you know?"

Today's Gulf News carries a supplement for the Abu Dhabi Real Estate and Investment Show, which will run from the 27-29 Jan at the Abu Dhabi NEC. It's all of 16 pages. Listening to real estate people talking up the market for the next three days is going to be interesting.

Blog Crazy

I'm going blogpost bonkers today, aren't I?

I just had to share this news. I posted about football coach David Nicholson back when they had the fun run at Safa Park to raise funds for him. Today's Gulf News (800g) carries the very welcome news that David's been able to return to the UK for treatment following the fundraising efforts that raised over Dhs200,000 to enable him to be treated. Thanks to a team of close friends, led tirelessly by Susie Kermanschahchi, he'll now get the best treatment without everyone having to worry about who's going to pay the bill.

David is in a coma and has been since he suffered a heart attack last November. He couldn't afford health insurance because of his ongoing medical condition: he had bad arthritis. All the very best to him for a recovery now he's back home.

Identity

I'd just like to say that the Emirates' Identity Card website thingy appears to be working and I've just used it to book two appointments for myself and Sarah. They're both at Rashidiya in April, because Sharjah is apparently booked all year, but I'm not complaining. They're both on different days, too, because there were no contiguous appointments, but I'm not complaining. And the system just wouldn't buy a family application for two people, but I'm not complaining.

Now we can go an use the new and enhanced application application.

It looks as if it might go right this time. The site's here. I even got a text from them confirming the appointment a few minutes after I'd completed the form.

Yayyy!!!

Speed and the Barrier

How do you manage a ‘social media’ campaign? The breaking down of barriers that Internet communication has encouraged is probably faster and more fundamental than many communications managers realise. One major problem is the challenge of speed – you can no longer take a few days to respond to a media enquiry while your exec finishes travelling or deals with ‘more important’ business. In a social media environment, people expecting total access and answerability from your organisation are beating on the door right now. There’s no gatekeeper anymore, remember?

It’s also worth bearing in mind that social media is user-driven so you’re leading a conversation and, like all conversations, it will have ebbs and flows. You can’t expect relentless positivity but are aiming to have an overall dialogue that puts your position and proposition.

Another issue facing social media campaign managers is that of approvals. In the old paradigm, your agency made sure that every single communication was approved. It would never do, for instance, for the agency to be speaking in your place. And agencies, for their part, wanted to be indemnified from clients’ actions and liabilities. If you’re running a campaign that cuts across websites and interactive, ‘social’ media, someone needs to be posting, responding, commenting, Tweeting, filming and uploading content on your behalf. And that either means that you, as a campaign ‘manager’ need to be 100% engaged 24x7 in your campaign or you need to redefine the rules so that your agency has a wider scope of responsibility, empowerment and response-ability. That means you have to let your agency take more risks on your behalf, and therefore that your agency is sufficiently indemnified to take those risks. Dispensing with indemnity can be an expensive game for the hapless communicator.

Likewise, you need to be sure that you’re working with an agency that understands those risks, that gets where the pain points of social communication lie, but also that understands the issues of corporate governance in this changing environment as well as new expectations of corporate behaviour. It can be a complicated trade-off – ensuring that the company is answerable at every level and yet also responsive at every level, that it is transparent and yet decisive and that it communicates with its stakeholders appropriately, despite the immediacy and ubiquity of online ‘social’ access.

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Snow!

No words.

Amazing pictures in both the Gulf News (800g) and The National. Apparently only the second time this has happened in recorded history!

Sexist

Look, I know I go on and on about radio advertising in Dubai. But this is really too much.

Man: (sings) Happy anniversary to you!
Woman: Thank you honey!
Man: Now, close your eyes! I have a surprise for you.
Woman: OK!
Man: Open your eyes! You wanted a new refrigerator and washing machine. Here they are!
Woman: Wow! A new LG steam washing machine and a side by side refrigerator. Can we afford both?
Man: Of course! Exchange any old washing machine or refrigerator and bring a new LG washing machine or refrigerator. As part as part of their five year leadership celebration, LG is offering three exciting rewards. We also get an extended warranty on LG home appliances.
Woman: Wow!
Man: Plus we get free one year's supply of detergent powder for washing machine and a microwave oven for the fridge
Woman: Fantastic! Honey, this is the best anniversary ever!
Man: Add magic to your festivities with LG's exchange offer! Pre-register by calling blblabla. Conditions apply. LG. Caring for you in every way.

I shall refrain from adding any comment beyond noting that the woman sounds like a helium breathing chipmunk on speed and the man is excruciatingly wooden. There are no typos, this is an accurate transcription apart from the word 'steam' which I can't quite make out but which sounds like steam.

Law

A great day for press freedom in the UAE?

The UAE media law passed through the Federal National Council yesterday and the newspapers, struggling to find any positive angle on the story, can only reiterate that the new law means that journalists won't face jail terms 'for carrying out their duties'.

The draft law just needs to be ratified by the cabinet and the President to pass onto the statute books. There has been a great deal of unhappiness expressed by the newspapers over the new law, which replaces the positively archaic 'old media law' of 1980. You can find an e-copy of the old law here and wonder for yourself at how much has changed. Or then again, perhaps not.

I tried, but failed, to find a copy of the new law anywhere, but The National does give more information on its provisions that anyone else today. Sure enough, the law stipulates fines of between Dhs 50,000 to Dhs 1 million for, to quote the Khaleej Times: "...newspapers or the rest of media, or the employees of the same receiving aid or donation, or similar benefits from foreign entity without the permission of the Council; repeating publishing or launching press campaigns with bad faith, and after being warned by the Council, in a way that demerit the reputation of the country, or its foreign relations and contacts, or violates its public order, or distort its national identity; publishing news that mislead the public opinion, in a way that harm the national economy of the country; carrying false news with knowledge; violating the conditions and restrictions stipulated for practising media activities governing the licence in regard."

The law would be enforced through the courts and not by the National Media Council (NMC), which drafted it. Journalists and editors alike have expressed dismay at the lack of clarity in the law. The editorial in today's The National makes the point: "Yet the new press law, approved yesterday by the FNC and sent to the cabinet for ratification, is unclear about what a newspaper can be punished for, and how it defines whether a newspaper has published information damaging to the country’s reputation or economy. The financial system should react to just the kind of information we print in our business pages every day. And if we are not distributing information that influences the choices people make in the marketplace, then we are not doing our job."

As far as I can see, the law makes no reference to the 'e-world' and remains firmly rooted in the idea that 'the media' is content produced by licensed entities that squash ink onto dead trees and that would be held to account according to the terms of their trade license.

Where does that leave someone writing a blog, commenting on a forum or posting up to You Tube? Where does it leave the UAE's fast-growing band of Twitterers or the groups of unhappy residents airing their grievances online? Where does it leave someone posting a comment to a blog, tagging a photo, founding a snarky Facebook group (like this or this!) or publishing an e-book?

It leaves us all relatively unsure of quite where we stand, that's where, with a court system that has no provision in law whatever for online activity, a judiciary that is unlikely to be trained or cogniscent of online systems and a minimum fine of Dhs 50,000. Oh, and that's assuming that a 'blogger' will be treated as a 'journalist' and not just an unlicensed entity.

In short, I suspect it rather leaves us all, journalists and others, exactly where we were in 1980, except that now we (possibly) can't go to prison - until, of course, we can't find Dhs 1 million and then we'll presumably be banged up anyway for defaulting on the fine.

BTW, I am mildly surprised that none of our media have pressed the point about the media law and how the National Media Council views the online world. It's really quite important, chaps...

Free

The UAE Journalists' Association has told the mighty Gulf News (800g) today that it will provide legal support to bloggers facing legal action in the UAE 'provided they abide by the ethical and professional rules of the profession'. The piece comes as part of a spread on press freedom and the state of media in the United Arab Emirates.

"The new policy helps in improving the quality of blogging in the Emirates and enhances the transparency and the credibility of news reporting on cyber sites. The only condition on the bloggers to avail themselves of the services of the association is to identify themselves clearly and follow 9 ethical rules in reporting or casting their views, including offering a level playing field for different parties related to the issue of reporting.'

And what, you may as, rules are they? Thanks to GN, we find out that they are:

"Bloggers should refrain from using inflammatory language or tarnish the credibility of an establishment or individual without substantial evidences. Those who continue casting their views under vague identities will not be able to seek the association's help."

So no more anonyblogging, folks. Not if you want the help of the UAE Journalist's Association, anyway. 'Vague identities' are out. I wonder just what a 'vague identity' is...

Or 'tarnishing the credibility of an establishment'. That's a nono, too. Damn. So no criticising any companies, then. Hands off HSBC and Al Habtoor, Alexander. Let alone the RTAs and EIDAs that make our lives so very wonderful and joyous.

There's no mention of what precisely the '9 golden rules' are but I did post here about the UAE Journalists' Association Code of Ethics, which is a list of 17 rules. Strangely, it's not available on the UAE Journalists' Association website which is, incidentally, only available in Arabic. So I guess you might as well just pick the 9 you like best from that list and abide by them, folks.

Interestingly, there's also quite a grumpy editorial from GN's editor-in-chief, linked here, which is worth a read, flagging up major concerns with the much-awaited new UAE media law. I do recommend a read of this piece most heartily:

"Furthermore, the long-awaited new press law, currently under consideration to be issued soon in its final version, has failed considerably in addressing the needs of the journalistic body and the changes that have taken place so far in the country."

Hot stuff indeed from Abdul Hamid Ahmad about the new draft law that, among other things, replaces a prison term for journalists (and bloggers, then?) with a million Dirham fine.

Bye George

I'd just like to say goodbye to George Bush.

Goodbye, George Bush.

Just before he goes, here's a chance to reprise one of my favourite things written about him. I'm sorry it's written by me, but a chap's gotta give himself the occasional pat on the back, no? It's here: I do hope you enjoy reading it half as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'm sorry about the insanely heavy weight of expectation on Barack Obama's shoulders. I hardly dare to think that anyone can live up to all that. But if he comes through and is a decent, straightforward man with a gift for oratory and backed by a strong advisory team that he has the guts to go with, then he'll be a million times better than the bumbling hick cretin that has done so much damage to our world in so many ways.

The invasion of Gaza now stands as the last shameful act in a shameful and venial Presidency. It is a fitting testament to the man who chose to be the puppet with the fat fingers of right wing America up his arse.

WOMAD

ADACH 2 WOMAD!

Yayyyyy!

According to today's thunderous Gulf News (650g), WOMAD is coming to the Emirates! A three day world music festival will take place in Abu Dhabi in April, put together by the organisation to promote 'world' music set up by the rather talented Mr. Peter Gabriel. WOMAD (World of Music and Dance) has been breaking new artists from around the world, and particularly its more far-flung locales, for something like 26 years now. Everyone always goes on about how it discovered Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Youssou D'Nour, but I've always been more of an Afro Celt Sound Machine fan, myself.

The National adds that the festival will start with a gig at Al Ain's Al Jahili Fort but, like GN, gives no dates for the 3-day festival.

This is a real coup for the chaps and chapesses over at the Abu Dhabi Authority for Culture and Heritage (ADACH) and should be a truly fantastic event. We await dates and acts - but this is potentially a great platform for the region's more 'traditional' musicians, as well as artistes like Toufiq Faroukh and even possibly bands from the region such as Arab/rock fusion outfit Blend...

PS: Anyone interested in WOMAD and the gigs can log into www.womad.org and get on the mailing list or wander around in the forums and bibble about music and stuff.

Yes we can!

Does anyone know who's trying to block the desert stretch between Dubai and Sharjah? It's really most odd that anyone would go to these extremes just to stop a few people in 4WDs taking a short-cut.

As I've mentioned before, there are extensive earthworks out there right now that look more like trench warfare than a few hundred yards of sandy snicket - ditches and high piles of sand interspersed with a huge number of concrete barriers that stretch for kilometres along the Sharjah side of the border. Every day someone finds a new way through, every day the JCB moves in and either piles huge heaps of sand or dumps a few more concrete barrier blocks on it.

But we're still getting through. For now. It's become a source of perverse satisfaction to beat 'em, to tell you the truth...

Not what it says on the box

Some may remember the mad, frenetic dash to get my first book, Space, to the top of the pile over at Harper Collins' authonomy peer-review writers' website.

The rationale behind authonomy seemed simple enough. Using language like 'Publishing contract, anyone?' (that language has since changed, incidentally, to 'Get Read. Get Noticed. Get Published'), authonomy allowed writers to post up some, or all, of their books and then solicit votes from other users of the site. The more votes you get, the nearer to the top of the pile you get. And if you are a 'top five' book at the end of the month, your book is forwarded for review to a Harper Collins editor.

Now Harper Collins is a huge publisher that doesn't even look at unsolicited, unagented manuscripts. And most unpublished writers would chop off their left legs to get their work in front of an editor (it's a date!) at a publishing house as powerful as HC. The expectation is that if your book's any good at all, you'd get asked for a 'full read' (heavy petting) or even get through to negotiating a contract (you're smoking a fag together by now).

But it turns out that HC was just teasing. I got to the top of the pile thanks to the support of a huge number of people, many of whom were genuinely impressed and amused by, and liked, my book. I enjoyed myself immensely doing it, by the way.

Like other people who've made it to 'the editor's desk', I put a huge amount of effort into it. And don't get me wrong - I've learnt a huge amount from the experience and made some really cool contacts and pals as a result. So for that, I can only thank HC for the site.

But the HC review of my book (next to the gold star on the book page) was slapdash and odd. And many other writers who'd got to the top of the 'greasy pole', as some called it, got the same feeling. Now, over 25 chart-topping reviews, five months, into the exercise, HC has not asked for ONE full read from a writer whose book reached the top, let alone taken anything further to any degree.

Yesterday, HC sent me a note offering me the chance to put my books up as POD (Print on Demand or Publish on Demand) books on authonomy. Soon, according to the email, all books on authonomy will be available as POD books but for now only 'a few early adopters' have been offered the opportunity - and a 'gift' of the first 10 books free.

Working with blurb.com, authonomy will add a button to each book's page, which currently allows you to read the book, watchlist the book or back the book. They'll add 'buy the book'.

Which potentially means that the whole exercise was purely about populating a new POD site with a community of unpublished authors who can now upload their books to sell them, at an unusually expensive cost to the author per book (limiting the profitability for the writer), to people who come clicking to the site.

This was arguably never about publishing contracts or talent spotting. It was never about 'Beating the Slushpile', as authonomy claims in its graphics and claimed in its original 'blurb'. It was about creating a POD site so that Harper Collins could hedge its bets against the 'new revolution' of Internet based publishing and digital publishing.

Worse, the exercise exposes some interesting values from HC and its approach to social websites. At no stage did it share its roadmap with the writers populating the site. At no stage did it seek our input, advice or approval. It just rolled out what it was giving us and we were expected to be pathetically grateful to receive it. All the way to the offer to become a POD book and sign away our rights in return for being part of a huge publisher's experiment.

Many of the writers I know on authonomy are disappointed, upset and angry at the move. It's not why we went there (there are established and, from a profit sharing point of view, better POD sites out there) in the first place. And people feel that while it's maybe not been directly dishonest, HC has hardly been transparent about its intentions for the site and the writers (some 3,500 and more) who have put their work on it.

And HC certainly hasn't been inclusive at any level - in fact, it communicates with the people on the site either through a sysadmin's alias ('Rik') or the alias 'authonomy'. We've never seen people - even the editors who review the books are anonymous. I'm sure HC thinks its being terribly funky and Web 2.0, but it's not. It's missed the first rule of these types of engagements with a community. Foster a community, be part of a community, engage with the community.

HC hasn't, because it doesn't respect that community enough. Lets face it, we're just wannabe's on the slushpile anyway. But I rather feel that it might just find that community pushing back a little now. Many people have had enough of being treated like the carvers in front of Gormenghast - even more so when it's become clear that the Groans don't want any of our carvings.

Someone on the site asked recently, 'Is authonomy a con?'. I'm afraid my answer is 'yes', I feel it rather has been.

PS: HC asked that I keep their offer to myself for the moment. I don't feel able to respect that request.

PPS: Authonomy-topping author Dan Holloway's manifesto for changing publishing is here. It's got some good thinks in it...

Webcam

A Webcam over Gaza.

You can go here and get a tiny little idea of what it must to be like to sit in your building and look out over a city that is slowly being blown back to the dark ages.

A normal looking city. Pretty Jordanian, really, no?

Full of ordinary people. Families. Decent people. Good people. Bad people. Smart people. Dumb people.

You know, people.

They've been living in blockade for 18 months. A blockade, effectively sanctions, that has been more tightly applied than those of Iran or, back in the day, Iraq. A blockade that has been so absolute, it has even included banning media and cutting off supplies of fuel to the only power station. Food is scarce and fuel to cook it on even scarcer. Now the water shortage is starting to bite deep.

So they can only sit by (because there is no work) and watch the black plumes of smoke rising over the buildings, watch the occasional streak of silver in the sky, the rumble and the little puff before the sound wave of the explosion hits. And then watch as the puff turns into black, roiling clouds of smoke that will rise up into the dirty air and smear across the skyline.

Now you can join them. Leave the camera on in a tab so that you can listen to the traffic noise, the honks of lorries and then the crump of high explosive and the sirens that follow it.

Now you, too, can be in Gaza.

Green

I found this NIB in today's soaraway Gulf News (800g):

SYMBOLISM
In recognition of the World Future Energy Summit, January 19-21, Abu Dhabi National Exhibitions Company (ADNEC) will turn its website green to symbolise Abu Dhabi's world leadership in energy production and the importance of the evolving global future energy market.

I was still wiping the tears from my eyes when I remembered something from my session last night over at EMDI, where 20-odd hapless PR and communications students were subjected to an extraordinary two-hour performance of insane gibbering and kazoo playing by your humble correspondent.

You see, I like to go through AME Info and pull random press releases from the site to critique in writing-focused training sessions. And so I thought, well if GN ran this as a NIB, somewhere out there in the great sea of wonder that is the Internet, there must be a press release with more of this marvellous material in it. And so, indeed, there is.

Here, to round off the enjoyment of the many connoisseurs of fine things wot visits this blog, is the quote from that release:

"We are always looking for innovative and exciting ways of supporting the events which are held at Adnec, particularly our most important shows such as WFES. Thousands of people visit our website every week and by turning the site green for the duration of the show we are demonstrating our support to the event."

Turning a website green is innovative and exciting. Oh, good grief. My sides actually hurt.

NB: This blog post has been turned green to symbolise breathless excitement.

Complacent

In a breathtaking display of brass neck, The Emirates Identity Authority has yet again announced that it's our fault we haven't elected to stick needles in our eyeballs in order to register for ID cards.

In fact, an EIDA 'senior official' apparently told Gulf News (650g) that complaceny was visible after GN's report that no fines would be imposed - and that such complacency would 'create problems'.

The website fails, the application application is a joke, the whole fulfilment process consists of asking people to queue for hours waiting for a limited number of appointments to actually make an application to be doled out and then they accuse people of complacency when they decide not to play the game?

The deadline that would absolutely not be extended oh no over my dead body no way José that is so not happening buddy has, of course been extended until February 28th. Emiratis, who started first and who make up a smaller proportion of the population, get more time for some reason - their deadline is the 31st March. And while 80% of expatriate professionals haven't registered, almost 80% of Emiratis, apparently, have. So 80% of us now have six weeks until the next 'we're serious this time' deadline.

Having created a situation where nobody in their right mind wants to go through the pain and frustration of applying, what is EIDA doing? Speeding the process up? Streamlining it? Actually FIXING the broken website so that people can MAKE appointments online as was originally intended?

Nope. It's sitting back and being, oh what's the word? Yes! That's it!

Complacent.

Disconnected

The result of any search performed through Etisalat's seach function this morning: 'Cannot get connection'.

I know the feeling...

BTW: This comes courtesy of pal Derek. I wouldn't dream of trying to use Etisalat's search function myself...

Crock

Every morning I connect my laptop to the wireline network in the office. For some reason I can't get wireless to work at work. Every evening I go home and connect to my wireless network. My not at work network works. With one tiny little 'issuette' every time I use it.

For some reason I have always equated Windows Vista to the voice of Barney the Dinosaur. You know that, 'Heyyy, li'l buddy! Let's have some fuuun!' voice.

So every evening, I'm delighted to be told, 'Heeeyyy! Li'l buddy! I don't see no network! You want I look at the proooblem for you? Huh? Huh?'

I have no option but to press 'yes'. Although I know all too well what the problem is.

'Heeeyyy! Li'l buddy! Lookin' for your problem. Hang on tight! Here we gooo!'

Sigh. I know what comes next. Wait as reassuring colours swoosh on the screen.

Ping!

Heeeey! Guess what? I found your prooobleeeem! Your wireless is switched off! Wow! You want I switch it on for you?'

You switched it off without asking me, you fatuous purple bastard. Yes.

'Cool! I switched it on for you and, guess what, I solved your prooobleeem!'

I hate you and want to see you eviscerated slowly using a blunt, rusty fork.

So the cartoon above really cheered me up no end. I do commend to you following the XKCD site, wot is where I got this cartoon from, daily as it consistently rewards. Thanks to Eliot for the tip!

Goons

I've just taken a 'phone call from a goon called 'Rob' from Dubai claiming to be building a database for British Airways of people who wish to subscribe to "BA's low price offers for Westerners and Europeans".

The colleague who passed the call to me, as most of my colleagues are, was Arab. And so wouldn't qualify.

I think Rob got a bit more than he bargained for when I lost the head with him entirely. That's a racist policy that would, assuming 'Rob' really was calling from BA, have British Airways hung out to dry in the UK media, let alone opened up to action under the Race Relations Act.

Sadly, when I asked to escalate, Rob put me on hold and then dropped the line. Because I'd have loved to have had a few more choice words with Rob's manager, too.

Only in Dubai...

Sammy

Chirpy Freesheet 7Days appears to have started campaigning for the release of TWSFKAS (The Whale Shark Formerly Known As Sammy). The whole thing seems to have been kickstarted by a piece in Friday's edition and has now gathered pace quite nicely.

As all right minded people know, Sammy was a Gulf News (690g) campaign that ended abruptly with the news that the whale shark being held by the bouillabaisse-themed Atlantis hotel was to be released Some Time In The Future.

The fact that the whale shark is a rare, CITES-listed 'threatened species' has annoyed quite a few conservationists, according to the reports. And so 7Days has joined the fray and taken up where GN left off.

Whether its new-found ardour for the story will last remains to be seen. For instance, try searching Gulf News' website for 'whale shark' or 'Sammy'...

Socialite

Here are some ‘social media’ predictions for 2009, just for fun. Why social media? Well, my first prediction is that we’re going to see a lot more fuss about ‘social media’ here in the Middle East in 2009. And the trick there will be sorting the wheat from the chaff – because you’re about to see a load of ‘experts’ talking with great authority on the subject. And, as usual, the expertise on offer will all too frequently be scant. I recently had an advertising agency offer to ‘infiltrate the forums’ on behalf of a client, for instance. That to me is a signal of quite how bad it’s going to get before we settle down and work out who are the practitioners delivering new and insightful programmes using the social media tools that are revolutionising communications practice elsewhere in the world.

So I think we’re probably going to see one or two high profile social media gaffes in our region, quite a lot of weighty pronouncements and agencies rushing to show how they can package their ‘unique insight’ into the social media paradigm for clients. This is what my very good friend Gianni Catalfamo, the uber-geek and European Web 2.0 guru, calls 2.0Wash. Like Greenwash that preceded it, 2.0Wash is when every programme contains a blog, just because, well, they should all contain a blog these days...

In the meantime, I think we’ll see an increasing pressure on regional telcos to stop blocking these social media networks – orkut, flikr and other important components of the ‘Web 2.0’ mix remain blocked. These blocks continue to contribute to retarding our region’s use of some of the most powerful communication tools to emerge since Thomas Caxton started thinking about Ps and Qs.

My final social media prediction for 2009 is that we’ll start to realise quite how powerful the grassroots movement towards using these tools can be. It’s already happened in other world markets and it’s late arriving here precisely because of the blocks. But more people in the Middle East are using FaceBook than read any single newspaper. More people in the UAE are using FaceBook than read any single newspaper. And FaceBook is only one of many, many social media platforms...

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' columns in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Barry

When brother in law Ritchie asked if we'd mind hosting his sister Breda and husband Barry for a couple of days on their way through Dubai to Ireland and the UK, we readily agreed. Although we didn't know them, any friend of Ritchie's is etc. etc.

The reason they were travelling is so that Barry could say goodbye to everyone, because he was suffering, and had suffered for the past ten years, from cancer.

Now, I'm not very good with that kind of stuff and I can't say that I was looking forward to their visit. As it got closer, I convinced myself that we were in for a couple of days of awful sadness.

And then we picked the two of them up at the airport. Barry started his trip by telling me he'd just carried 40 days' supply of morphine through UAE Customs and nobody had batted an eyelid!!! Given the state of DJ shoe soles around here, I thought that was bloody funny.

I didn't stop laughing, or smiling, for the next 72 hours. Not only were our visitors delightful company, Barry was nothing short of inspirational. Although he'd get the odd twinge of pain in his back and needed to take enzymes to aid his digestion, he was more on top of a disease so chronic that an x-ray of his skeleton showed the cancer was so widespread it was like 'someone had thrown a handful of sticky rice grains at it' than I could ever have imagined. He'd been fighting it for ten years and was still beating it back.

A silver-haired charmer, Barry's face was lined but I could never work out whether they were laughter or pain lines. And it didn't help that he was either laughing or smiling most of the time. You could see the Lothario who swept Breda off her feet all those years ago, and who was still sweeping her off her feet. Full of inquisitiveness, particularly about the many aspects of life in the Emirates, which tickled him enormously, Barry took in Hatta and Mahatta alike with a twinkling, blue-eyed curiosity. His sheer bravery, self-effacing manner and his charm lit up our lives for 72 hours. We were talking about flying to Australia this Easter to go see the two of them.

Yeah, you're right, you do know where this is going.

He died half an hour ago, eight months after saying goodbye.

Blockheads

I have posted a number of times about the sandy snicket that affords relief to intrepid 4WD-owning commuters bypassing the Sharjah-Dubai traffic. Here, for instance. Or here, here and this memorable moment here on the day I caught one of the employees of Dubai's beloved traffic regulator, the RTA (Road and Transport Authority), who regularly use the snicket to escape the chaos they are at least morally partially responsible for.

And then they started to try and block it. Quite who 'they' are remains a mystery. The increasingly insane attempts to block the short cut have meant that this small stretch of inter-Emirate sand is now littered with concrete blocks, barriers, quite extensive sandy berms, trenches and a constant flow of people insisting on crossing anyway. We're a hard lot to stop when we've got an alternative to sitting on the road for 2 hours jostling with every other poor sod on his way to work. (My other alternatives are, BTW, move to Dubai or ship out. I'm not doing the National Paints Shuffle or the Ettihad Road car park every day. No way.)

It's been quite fun, in its way. Seeing the new set of obstacles every night and then finding a way around them really does mix a little fun, a smidgen of winding down after the day adventure and perhaps even a splash of eff-you rebellion.

But it's getting beyond a joke now - the entire stretch is so built-up, blocked off and messed around that people are really damaging their cars trying to get through. The sand's soft, the driving's technical and 9/10 of the border rats are getting stuck. As of today, with the addition of a new set of barriers and impediments, there are only two possible ways through and both are 'difficult' drives.

And I am damned if I will let them win. Whoever 'they' are.

Damned.

Taxi

So Sharjah taxis have implemented the Dhs20 surcharge for going to Dubai but, as far as I have seen, Dubai taxis have not implemented the charge the other way.

The charge was ostensibly to make it easier on drivers reluctant to brave the traffic and not be able to return with a fare due to the odd rule that cabs can't pick up fares in other emirates. A driver rewarded is a driver keen to serve, is the theory, no?

As Gulf News (690g) asserts, in the report linked above: "Taxi companies in both Sharjah and Dubai lobbied for the new flag-fall rate. The decision was taken to provide an incentive to taxi drivers, who have sometimes refused to make the trip between the two emirates, especially during peak hours or on holidays, leaving passengers helpless."

The truth, certainly according to the cabbies I've spoken to, is a little less poetic.

Out of the Dhs20, the cabbie gets only Dhs5. Dhs13 goes directly to the company and the rest gets eaten in 'fees and commissions'.

As usual, the cabbies get screwed over, the cab companies take our money. We get the same old woeful levels of service but get gouged again.

Amazing.

2009: Flat is the new up...

I have been hearing a few comments that 2009 will be a good time for public relations because companies will be looking to save money and PR is a better way to reach people for less than advertising.

I disagree strongly. For sure companies will be reducing budgets in 2009, although I believe there are enough people out there that understand slashing A&P to zero is not a smart reaction to a bear market. But this is a time of unparalleled opportunity, a time where brands will be made or broken. And the differentiator, IMHO, will be how cleverly companies communicate – how they explore new ideas and approaches, integrating social media and other innovative ways of reacting to customers and communicating with customers. The winners will be the companies that communicate more effectively with their customers and stakeholders throughout times of uncertainty.

You might think that a recession is a time to be conservative and play it safe. You know, do the things that you know work, perhaps just less of them. But 2009 is going to be an amazing time for those who are brave enough to try new approaches and bring innovation to play, to invest in building their brands while competitors are trying to just protect their brands using old tools and scant resources.

The need to bring a new intelligence into play means challenging existing strategies, tools and relationships. It’s going to mean re-examining the company and its communications needs, adapting processes and strategies to meet the demands of a fast-moving market and embracing fast changes in media and other channels to reach customers and the people that influence them.

This is a good time to bring in experienced communicators to work alongside your own teams, to start challenging the business from C-level down, reworking the way that the organisation talks to its audiences to drive more value into the company’s communications using smarter, technology-led direct communications and online communications tools in particular.

Advertising has its role to play, so does PR. But the opportunity is for smart communicators – whatever their discipline, client-side and agency-side. It's not just about 'this way is cheaper', because it really needs to be about 'this way is smarter'...

This piece originally appeared as one of the chucklesomely named 'A Moment with McNabb' colums in Campaign Middle East magazine.

Kidding

Now, this is about as scientific a measure of the exodus as weighing Gulf News (640g) is a measure of real estate advertising revenue, but today was my first 'proper' day back at work this year and the drive to work was significantly eased by a marked decrease in the morning traffic queues. In fact, looking at the length of them, I'd say they were about 30% shorter than in December. And, unless I've missed something big, there's no particular reason why the roads should be light right now.

So we could speculate, perhaps, that the volume of people rushing off to school/work is around 30% down?

Which is partly what makes Damac Properties' ad in Gulf News today (about 2g in) so interesting. It's a desperate-sounding little thing, offering 2007 prices to the first 50 callers for some 'delivery in 2011' property, all headlined with the immortal words, "The property boom is back with a bang!"

They are, your humble correspondent submits, only kidding themselves...

Muscat

I do love Muscat. It sort of tumbles around between the foothills of the Hajjar mountains and the Indian Ocean, dotted with palms and swept by the cool Winter breeze flowing in from the uncertain sea; it's clean and neat, strangely and yet comfortingly similar to the coastal towns of the Eastern UAE. If, like me, you've just spent a day touring Kalba, Fujeirah, Khor Fakkan, Biddaya and Dibba with relatives, you'll instantly recognise Muscat as being cut from the same cloth.

Today Oman played Kuwait in the GCC Cup (the 19th such tournament, if you don't mind. I'm here working for a client on campaigns hung around that self same contest) and managed a nil-nil draw. Which didn't stop the city's youth taking to the streets in a massive teddy-bear hugging, beeping process of cars festooned in Omani flags and streamers that jostled on into the night.

Grief, but what are they going to get up to if they actually win?

Diet

Picked up Gulf News' Weekend edition today. I scratched around in the bottom of Spinneys' newspaper rack thingy for the missing sections before I realised it was actually all there.

550g.

42% down on its November weight.

Given that I'm precisely a kilo up after the Christmas break, I have to confess to feeling rather jealous...

Papa Rashid

Sarah used to teach a small and, although he didn't know it at the time, important little boy called Rashid, who lived in Umm Al Qawain.

She really liked Rashid. He was, as she would say, a howl. Every now and then he'd come out with some new insight into his life as a really rather special little boy. And then one day he piped up that he liked going to visit his gramps, Papa Rashid, over at the 'big house', particularly because Mama Samsa used to give him ten dirhams.

Papa Rashid, known to most as Supreme Council Member and Ruler of Umm Al-Qawain, His Highness Sheikh Rashid bin Ahmed Al-Mualla, was a well-loved ruler who had the genuine respect and devotion of his people. I've heard a number of stories about his plain-speaking humour, wit and wisdom. He died in London today.

Now Mama Samsa will be mourning him and so, as a result of our time spent in Umm Al Qawain where Sarah taught at a mad and quixotic little school for two years, are we.